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Help! I’m at my breaking point with my husband’s ex gf, ex gf mom, & their son

Momof3_andastepkid's picture

This could really be such a long story, but I'll try to shorten it. From the moment I started seeing my husband, his ex & ex's mother instantly started attacking me. Mostly via social media. At first I took the high road killed them with kindness. 
Now the ex doesn't have custody of either one of her kids. So she has nothing to loose. (Only has 1 with my husband) the ex's mother has Guardianship of their son. He's now 6 1/2 years old. He's always had issues. Mainly wouldn't talk just started last year. But he's smart and such a manipulater. I loved him at first. I have done more for him in 3 years then the mom has done in 6yrs. 
I finally got the mom and grandmother To like me and it was great. I included the mom in everything I did for the kids cause I couldn't imagine not being part of my kids life. I paid for set up and cordinated their sons 5th birthday party. (Best one he ever had) first holiday year i invited them to everything even bought the mom birthday gifts from my son and her son and daughter (which she's not allowed to have contact with at all for the last 4 years) now at the time I did all this I was also pregnant with my husband and my first child together. She was so happy for us! I had my son in may. A week after I had him she text me saying she slept with my husband in the bouncy house I paid for, for her sons 5th birthday she insinuated there should be 2 babies right now but she took care of hers. She said it happened when I was putting our boys to sleep in their room. I didn't and still don't believe her. She's been trying so hard my whole relationship to get me not to trust my husband. I immediately lost all contact with her and it's almost been a year since I've said even 1 word to her.
I was pretty close up until the last few weeks with her mom the guardian of their son. My son isn't even 1 years old and I'm pregnant again (totally wasn't planned & it took me a few months to actually accept it) I'm also in construction i went back To work full time (40+ hours a week) 2 weeks before I found out I was pregnant, & I found out at 3 days pregnant. 
New Year's Eve was our "Christmas" with him and the grandmother informed us that he didn't want to visit or sleep over anymore unless she was with him. Which was extremely odd cause we basically had him every other weekend and before Covid we had him Wednesday nights Thursday mornings. After I had the baby I kept his son for weeks at a time. None of this made sense. But whatever. Fast forward to the last 14 days.... they both have started coming at me on social media. The grandmother 14 days ago wrote my husband a text insinuating that I'm the reason he doesn't come here I don't include him in anything anymore. And basically went on a rant about me said she was going to say it to me in person not in text cause she didn't want to stress me out. I then run into her at a park she commended me on everything I'm pulling off pregnant with 2 kids and working. Kissed my ass said nothing bad to me... 7 days later the son is suppose to be sleepng over. My husband text saying he was on his way. Her reply was she wasn't allowing him to go that he has anxiety cause of me that i don't let him be himself he has to wear pull-ups and he said I will yell at him. (Mind you he hasn't wore pull-ups in 2 yrs at my house and the only time I yelled about peeing was when he purposely peed on the rug and my couch. And I've told the grandmother every time I've yelled and why.) she then said the son thought it was only going to be him daddy no one else. Excuse me what? I'm his WIFE AND THIS IS OUR WHERE. WHERE THE HELL WOULD ME AND TWO BOYS BE!!! 
They baby this almost 7 year old so badly it's sick. He does nothing but throw fits yell in adults face blame everything on my son he even got away with face smushing my then 2-3 month old In the face and screaming poopie head in his face when he was sleeping. I can't take it my kids don't and will never act like that. & I'm raising strong boys I don't do well with wining and fits and I definitely will never allow a child to yell in my face. Im being the same with him that I am with my other son that's 10. But I don't even baby talk my baby yes my tone changes a bit but not baby babble. 
i now look and feel different towards the child I do not love him. He annoys me and I wish from the bottom of my heart this wasn't my husbands child. I've even said it to my husband I hate that we are connected to these toxic people. They excuse his behavior said its cause he has learning disabilities. That's all bull he just Didn't try or want to talk or smile. Now that he does when it come to his skill since 3 with legos insanely unreal he's been hold a pencil the correct way since 2 he can draw since 2 unbelievable. The only set back was talking. So using that as excusing bad behavior is just unacceptable to me. I can't keep my mouth shut anymore it's driving me crazy. When they throw things out at me on social media I react but in a witty funny nonchalant way. But even that isn't enough I wanna go 100% but again I have everything to loose she has nothing! How do I go on? How do I move on. Where should I go from here? Please someone help me! 
 

Comments

decofru's picture

First of all your DH has to be strict and very stern with his family, ex baby mama and his kids with the ex. He cannot allow them to be a problem in your life, that's his baggage he should deal with it. If a child can throw tantrums then he is very normal because that's normal behaviour for undisciplined kids. The dad needs to tell his child that he will not allow his bad behaviour or else they will be unkind consequences. 

It is never easy being in a second hand family, it's never easy being a second wife and a step parent, though situations are different for others because it all depends on the maturity, behaviour and morals of the people involved. What I can say is it takes YEARS to sort out issues. I had BM issues to sort out, Mother in law is still a problem now and so is Skid but its a whole lot better than before. 

 

The hardest part was Skid had was spoilt, ill mannered and disrespectful and irresponsible, there was definitely a lack of parenting.  It was frustrating trying to reprogram him to become a decent child and fighting with DH over him all the way. There is a time I thought he had changed but I soon realized it was all an act just to stay in good books with his dad. He is just a backstabber now. 

 

Anyway I want you to know that you are not alone and you are not wrong for feeling the way you do. What you can do is talk to your husband about your feelings and work around solutions, he should ask what he can do to make things right and you tell him or you can go for family conselling. Or you can try disenganging from his kids and block them all out and pretend they don't exist.

tog redux's picture

I'm a little confused, BM's mother has guardianship of DH's son? Why hasn't he tried to get custody?

Time for you to stop doing anything whatsoever for your SS or BM or her mother. No more contact, no more parties, no more you taking care of SS when he's over. Leave all of that to your DH and do what you need to do to protect your son.  This situation sounds highly dysfunctional, so don't take on your DH's baggage for him. If he wants to see his son, he can do all the communicating with that pack of vipers, and all the parenting too.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I would stop everything. No more communicating with BM or her mom. Block them! Stop doing for SS and leave it to his parents to handle.

You are not their doormat and shouldn't tolerate being treated like one.  Establish your boundaries and don't let these toxic people intrude on your life 

Winterglow's picture

Why are you even communicating with the bm or her mother? That's your DH's responsibility. 

Thumper's picture

BLOCK bm and BLOCK Granny---that includes access to email and any social media you may have.