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Beyond over this....

m.kelly1984's picture

So, this is my first blog entry ever. I am not sure where to start. Well, I am a step mom to two teenage boys and a bio mom to two little boys with my husband. My step children live with us full time. They have very little contact with their bio mom. We live across the country from her so she doesn't give us too much grief. 

My step children and I have butt heads since they came to live with us. My husband didn't have too much contact with them from ages 2 to 7 due to the bio mom taking off with the kids and moving them out of state. He has really bad anxiety and it was at it's worse when she took off with the kids so traveling was not an option. She is the type of bio mom who wants everything her way so, there goes 5 years of my husband knowing his children. Anyway, that is a story for another time. 

My husband loves his kids but didn't bond well with the two older ones due to not being able to see them for a long time. They came to live with us when they were 7 and 8. Now they are 14 and 15 so they have lived with us for a while now. They have some mental issues due to abandonment and abuse from their mom so we have had them in therapy since they came to live with us. We all see our therapist on a regular basis. 

Something that my step children struggle with is boundaries. Especially when it comes to someone else's privacy, feelings and possessions. I don't know how many times I have caught my older step son taking things that were not his (mostly my things). We have worked countless hours in therapy about respecting other's things and not taking what is not his. The other step son hasn't had as much of the problem but he does from time to time. 

Catching my older step son in a lie or taking something that is not his happens on the regular in our house. He is on the spectrum and has ADHD so his impulse control is at a zero. We still hold him accountable though. He knows right from wrong and he knows he is not supposed to touch what is not his. This is something that has been slowly stoking a burning rage in me because everytime I catch him in another lie or taking something, I lose more and more of my ever thinning patience. I have never bonded with my step children but I try my hardest to treat them the same as my bio kids. 

When he gets caught in a lie or taking something, the excuse is the same. "I wasn't thinking" or "I don't know" are the common answers I get. It drives me f***ing insane. I am a person that is very good at seeing another person's side if they can explain why, regardless of how bad it is. When I can't get that explanation, my understanding goes out the window and I get mad. I have lost my s*** plenty of times for these kids to know that taking my things is not tolerated. 

Yesterday, my husband and I were going to be intimate and we use toys. I was looking for the toys we use and one was missing. It was specifically one that my husband will use and I know I put it away the last time we used it. These are things that we hide in our bedroom so they are not out for all to see. It was the only item missing. I instantly looked at my husband and he knew what my eyes were saying. My blood started boiling. My husband went to my step son's room and found the toy. Both boys took it, used it and KEPT IT!! My blood boiled hotter than it ever has. Not only did they go through our stuff in our bedroom and take something that was clearly not theirs, they took something so personal for their own use. 

Now, I understand that teenage boys have more hormones than what they know what to do with. We are  parents who teach being safe and responsibility rather than abstinence.  I am not mad at what they took. I am furious that it is clear that they have absolutely no respect for their dad or I. Not for our things, feelings, privacy, nothing. This is a situation where the last straw broke the camel's back. I have dealt with this on the regular for years and I am sooo done with it. It is making me feel crazy because nothing is changing. The kids get called out everytime we catch them and they get consequences. Still, nothing changes. I feel like the only option I have is to send them to their mom, who is the WORSE person to raise them. My husband feels the same way. I don't know what to do anymore. 



notsurehowtodeal's picture

Is he given real consequences for bad behavior?

You should change your avatar to something other than a photo. It is possible to search with a photo and you don't want to run the risk of anyone in your real life finding you here. This site works so well because it everyone is anonymous.

Cover1W's picture

Lock your important and private items up. While I didn't have the issue of SDs stealing personal stuff, they had no boundaries and would get into cupboards, like where household repair things were and take things and not put them back. I am the house repair person so if something happened and our repair stuff was gone and I had to make an extra trip to the hardware store, I was beyond p*ssed especially after the second time

So I locked that sh*t up. No asking husband or warning. Solved my problem.

shamds's picture

Want them rummaging through. 
 I actually lock our bedroom door when going on holiday with hubby and ss will be home. I take the keys also sp he doesn't look through pur stuff because it became obvious he was looking through my things. 

when they have no respect for others belongings, privacy and boundaries, then you shut down access immediately and indefinitely 

CLove's picture

Perhaps cameras hidden. Plus the locks.

I have a feeling from your post that they are not really punished and suffer no repercussions for their actions. What is done to give repercussions? 

Im sorry you are going through this. Every Stepparents nightmare, to have the kids full time and they have all kinds of issues that cause them not to launch properly.

missgingersnap2021's picture

You may want to change your pic (or dont have one at all like most of us) especially since you have a child in it. 

Ispofacto's picture

They aren't going to stop.  The only thing you can do is install locks.

Kids with attachment disorders engage in all kinds of antisocial behavior and it seems like counselling has zero impact.  Especially with ADHD.  Kick him out as soon as he graduates HS.