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Why all the games??

Sotired345's picture

this morning was horrible. SD is here for the weekend and truth is I just don’t trust her to do what she’s told. I told H this morning SD is to clean herself. Bottom line she has terrible hygiene and at 9 years old still doesn’t know how to wash her hands. I told him she needs to bewatched. He tells me to have a talk with her. I said no you can tell her and watch her because I don’t trust her to be told things and then do them. He’s making me whisper. I told him I can’t walk on egg shells anymore (mind you SD was spying on us and listening to every word) I told him it’s always like this. If it was just our children it wouldnt be a problem but because she’s not mine she’s going to run back to her mother tell her everything and then it’s going to be another fight. Every visitation it gets harder and harder. SD then started crying to H and accusing me of hating her. My husband then went into the other room and said “she thinks you hate her” I said “H I can’t live like this she always thinks I hate her I drop a pin on the floor and I hate her” he then asked me if I wanted to make our marriage work. I said I can’t be the enemy anymore I’m tired of living like this. I told him to do what he does best go comfort her take her out and leave me here. He is now at the movies with SD coddling her. 

I cant with the manipulation. I am a mother of two and I don’t have a job. Daycare cost too much for me to work. My son has autism and goes to a special school. I’m currently taking on line classes at home so I can get a job but it’s all just really hard. I can’t believe I made this choice to be with someone like this. Not to mention my children will now suffer. I should have seen the signs years ago and left. No matter what you do or how good you are or how many kids you have with your husband you’re always the enemy. 

SteppedOut's picture

You and your kids always have to be "second" best when it comes to the "first family". Funny, that part is always left out until you are "trapped", or they think so anyway. No matter the bad behavior. For some reason the behaviors "can't be" corrected and you are just supposed to be happy to deal with them. 

Keep up with your online classes. Look around at jobs.. maybe you will be surprised; it's an "employee market" right now.

Sotired345's picture

You know it’s not so much dealing with the bad behavior it’s the manipulation and the invasion of BM. This is the 2nd time in the past 4 months she pulled this. Crying to daddy and accusing me of hating her. It’s just so manipulative. She was literally spying on my conversation and he defended her there too. “Oh kids do that” I’m sure when her mother yells at her she doesn’t cry and say my mom hates me and my husband yells at her all the time and she’s at the movies lavishing in his attention. It’s too much double standard and she’s playing games I have no tolerance for the games. Like mother like daughter I guess. 

SteppedOut's picture

Did he want YOU to talk to her about it; she doesn't listen to you and HE is her parent.... You were being set up for failure.

Sotired345's picture

Oh yea that’s why I told him I wouldn’t do it. I told him I’m not talking to her and then he’s like “you won’t talk to her” I said no we’ve had plenty of talks with her and it has never worked she has to be monitored there is no talking anymore. Then she starts spying and then starts crying to my husband that I hate her. I mean is this really my life?? I guess it doesn’t have to be my only option is to leave. Because she’s always going to do this and I’ll always be the bad guy. Sad that nobody thinks about my children that are his kids too. 

SteppedOut's picture

So he basically turned it around on you... the problem is she won't listen to you and he is the parent and should be handling it anyway. But he turned it into "you won't talk to my daughter, you hate her". 

All the "bad behavior" she exhibits is forgotten. Now it is problem with you, not her.

Been there, done that. I didn't accept that as my life or my son's and left.

Sotired345's picture

Right exactly and then she started with the water works. My step mom hates me and this is not the first time she’s done this and every time he falls for it. It’s just getting old. You left and that’s great I wish I left a long time ago but I can’t leave, no where to go he has to leave. My son is in a very good school and he making amazing progress I can’t uproot him. 

Sotired345's picture

We haven’t gone in a few weeks because our marriage counselor wanted to see me on my own. Her mind has been blown by the things I’ve told her. She told me that my SD and her mother are doing a great job destroying our marriage. Her words not mine. That BM is manipulative and SD is learning from her. Her words not mine. I told him to come back with me this week. After what happened today I don’t know what’s going to happen when they get home but I know I don’t want to say anything to that kid. I don’t feel I need to apologize or explain anything. There’s no reason for her to be crying to daddy that I hate her every time there’s an issue and there is no reason for her to be spying on our conversation. But I know what’s next tomorrow she’ll go home and cry to her mother and that will be something and it goes round and round and round and the people that suffer are me and my children. I just almost wonder if therapy will even help us. 

SteppedOut's picture

Maybe it will be like a light switch when someone else agrees with you at how wrong her (and your husbands) behavior is. 

It's so sad, all you are doing is asking for him to be a parent to HIS child. I mean, come on, does he not want her to know how to clean herself? Does he want to eat food she has been digging in with nasty hands? Does he want your children to eat food she has been digging in with nasty hands. 

Uuugh. I'm frustrated for you! 

Survivingstephell's picture

We had a rule that EVERYONE had to wash their hands before dinner and we checked them.  Up to the wrist and we had to smell soap.  I hollared it out everytime before a meal and it just became the norm.  My BM didn't teach basic hygiene either.  I'm glad they are all aged out /estranged and I don't have to deal with dirty walls.  

When SD starts her waterworks, I would ask him in front of everyone if he disagrees with having clean hands to eat with?  Maybe its time to have sepearate meals for his and yours.  Maybe its time for SD to start making food for her father with those dirty hands.  Would he eat it??? A couple of bouts of raging diarhea might teach him.  

I have no tolerance for dirty hands.  NONE.  You need to outwit these two nitwits.  Win the battle without them knowing you won.  

You have my sympathy.  

CLove's picture

My SD12 is also a "turn on the waterworks to gain sympathy" type. And it works like a charm every time too. My SD just lied to our faces and when caught, she did the same thing. We have 50/50 and I wonder how much is being said over at HC G BMs house. SO is very clean, though.

It is so hard to be trapped in something - and with your situation, it is even harder with children involved. Keep going to therapy and sharing here - it really does help. Disengage as much as you can. That helps as well. Keeping yourself as separate and pleasant as you can. The more involved you are, the more emotional you will get, so it really helps to take the emotion out of it!

Areyou's picture

He rewarded her. This is going to get worse before it gets better. He’s misguided for asking you if you want your marriage to work just because of SD? Have a serious talk with him today. He’s creating a miniwife. You’re second fiddle to miniwife. 

Sotired345's picture

Oh he’s been doing this for years. She is a mini wife they went on a date earlier today lol, and yes it’s going to get worse. He wonders why I don’t have a sex drive. 

Maxwell09's picture

Your response to "do you want our marriage to work" should have been:

Your daughter will still stink whether I am here or not, whether there's a new a stepmom here or not. This will continue to be a problem until YOU accept the problem is her stinking and not me noticing her stinking.