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Bone tired

EveryoneLies's picture

Haven't been back for about two weeks. Some updates to my last post: ESY is in SS' IEP, and we should have it happen this year too. The teacher said this year the school district is really tightening up the standard and she didn't think my SS is at risk regressing. (Untrue. He can forget how to add/subtract if not practicing daily--- and once we told the teacher this actually happened, he was put back to ESY again.)

This week I had 3 panic attacks. I couldn't explain what really triggered them, except obviously I have been on high alert for a prolonged time. SS is still refusing to learn, so we decided we at least deserve some breaks from the hw arguments. Next week we just won't give him homework----sure he will regress but we can probably have some peace. At the same time, SS' bday is coming up, and all he wants to talk about was what he wants for his bday...after we already gave him something nice before that day actually comes. I probably don't even need to announce how annoyed I was and you all can feel it. I kept my mouth shut anyway. Haha.

After doing so much already, the thought of I still need do more for this kid simply makes me angry. Sure he's on the spectrum and he didn't choose to be, but he really acts like an ass sometimes and I wonder when will actually be the time he realizes he also should take some responsibilities. 

I wish there can be times when we don't really have to "include" him, like when we go on a walk. It's supposed to be relaxing but with him on the side everything is stressful. I don't know why what "he needs" trumps anyone else's need. Or, at least I feel the society expects it to be the way. 

My thoughts are not exactly organized..I just really hate stuck with SS 24/7 right now, and it's probably going to be like this for the remaining of the year....

This is not a post complaining DH not putting in the work. We BOTH are exhausted and want a break from SS. There just doesn't seem to have way to have that happen soon.


JRI's picture

I dont know much about your SS's condition but coping must be so tremendously exhausting.  I really feel for you and DH.  I don't suppose theres a BM or grandparents who could give you guys some respite?  Are thete any support groups?  Again, no advice, just much sympathy for your tough situation.


EveryoneLies's picture

The grandparents (DH's mom and dad) are willing to help, but they are in different states. At this time we don't think air traveling is the best thing to do.

BM is only too happy not to see her son. Funny she used to call DH and complained how little manner her son had, as if she has no power to parent her own son. (This doesn't happen anymore)

SS' social group is finally approved, we don't know when it will start though....hopefully that will happen soon.


JRI's picture

I was reading your blogs.  Hope you will excuse my ignorance, but are there any good support groups?  Seems like we hear so much more about your SS's kind of disabilities nowadays, just wondering?

EveryoneLies's picture

To be honest we haven't really tried the support groups. Partially because just keeping the kids on schedule is already a lot of work,  I personally don't feel we have the luxury (or energy) to extend the days even longer to add those events to the schedule. I never asked DH about this but I think he's probably on the same line of thinking as me. (Given the fact that we both are just exhausted all the time)

Also just me, might be just in my head, but I think most of the support groups participants are bio parents of the special need kids. I'm not too sure I will feel comfortable to freely share my feelings in those groups. I don't want to be seen as a saint (because I am not) and I also don't want to be his "mom." I can't and I don't want to pretend that I love this kid. I can learn to tolerate him, but I don't think I will ever love him as mine. Which..I think will be the main difference that separates me from a bio parent. Kinda hard to describe, but I think you get it, haha.