Back to School Day & Disengaging
I have been venting a lot since I started blogging on ST and naturally much of it is negative. On a positive note, I've also been reading A LOT of what you fine folks have to say and with your help, have been learning more about disengaging. Well, SD16 (the only one at home f/t) started back to school this morning and although I have had a couple of hiccups, I feel MUCH less stress having ramped up the disengagement. This is hard for me because I was admittedly a Mama Bear to my BS during his school years, I've been responsible for helping get SKIDS (particularly the girls) ready for the school years up to now, MR. ED is ridiculously out of touch with what needs to be done to prep his own DD for the school year, and SD16 communicates nada with her father. Here's the progress:
- GM took SD16 shopping yesterday because she said MR. ED wouldn't take her. MR. ED told GM that she was lying and was just trying to manipulate her into buying a fresh pair of kicks. He told GM not to buy them because of everything that has led up to her not having her own money (see previous posts). I heard about all this but seriously limited my commentary. Progress!
- SD16 walked in yesterday with 5-6 bags full of what looked like new clothes and at least 2 shoe-type boxes, compliments of GM. GM dropped her off, but did not come in to say hello to me and SS10 (her grandson!). Odd, but whatever. I did not go outside to greet or talk to her. Progress!
- I did mention the bags of stuff she came home with to MR. ED. Hiccup. He shrugged his shoulders. I thought to my self, "Ridiculous. Enablers. No accountability or consequences," but walked away saying nothing. Progress!
- My alarm from my cell calendar went off last night reminding me that the 1st day of school was happening today. Yes, I have all 3 SKIDS calendars on my phone and MR. ED does not. He was sitting in the same room, but I did not announce what the alarm was for. Progress!
- I know there is much to do before school starts...filling out paperwork for her Chromebook and paying for a car parking permit, etc. I said nothing and I know neither of them took care of those things. Car gets towed...don't care. She has no Chromebook to start class...don't care. Progress!
- This morning MR. ED looks out the window while getting coffee and sees SD16 in her car with the lights on. "What is she doing out there?" He goes outside and then asks me, "Does school start today? Wow, that stuff creeps up on ya, doesn't it?" I simply couldn't help myself and replied, "Yes it does start today and actually...no, it doesn't creep up on me. I have a calendar for that, but I'm not reminding you of these things anymore. Perhaps you should mark your own calendar." He said, "She did text me that she was going to breakfast with friends this morning." My thought was, "I thought she was ONLY allowed to take the car directly to school or work until she straightens up?"...but I said nothing. Gave him a kiss and walked my dog. Hiccup, but held my tongue a lot more than usual and laid down some boundaries. Progress!
- Also...I've cooked dinner the past two nights like usual and SD16 has stayed in her room. MR. ED did not call her for dinner and we had pleasant, happy dinnertime with visiting SS10 and the pup. I told him a few days ago that I will not sit at the table with SD16 and pretend like she's not been threatening and treating me like crap. I said she is welcome if she apologizes, shows genuine remorse, AND helps clean up after dinner, contributing to the household in some way. SD16 is apparently unwilling to do those things and MR. ED isn't pushing the issue, so...their choice. Boundary and expectations set and I enjoyed my evening. Progress!
This is certainly not ideal, but under the circumstances...I'll take the peace, space to enjoy my home, and clarity to focus on work today. Thanks fellow SPs for your support, advice, and encouragement!