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SD11 Lying/Sneaky

SusieCue's picture

Hello, all! :) 

I wrote about a year ago explaining that SD16 (now SD16) went to live with her older half sister (or ran away, depending on who you ask). Since then, it's just been DH, SD11 and I. For the most part, this has been working out. Less stress, SD11 has started to come into her own and develop an identity outside of being her older sister's minion, and SD16 isn't around to suck the air out of any room she's in.

However.

Because of Covid-19, SD11 was homeschooling for almost a year. During that time, she was using the family laptop for her school stuff. Over and over, she was caught going on YouTube when she should've been doing her work. Sometimes she'll lie about it. Each time she gets grounded, the number of days increasing with every offense. One day we were grocery shopping and she was acting like she was about to fall asleep standing up. It turns out she had spent the last few nights on YouTube instead of sleeping. We had to change the password on the laptop, hide the laptop, and block YouTube. 

Now, she's on a hybrid school schedule. The school has issued her a chromebook for the days that she isn't attending in person. On the days she's at home, she has a list of assignments to complete. Well, once again we caught her on YouTube using the school chromebook instead of doing her work. She is once again grounded. 

I just don't understand. Every time she gets caught we discuss it with her and then we remind her that she's being grounded for her own actions and choices. And she hates being grounded, but obvy not enough to stop being sneaky. 

Does anyone have any advice or alternatives to grounding that might help her understand there are consequences? We've tried having her write sentences, extra chores, and taking privileges away and still she is sneaky at the first chance she gets.

Winterglow's picture

You only allow the use of electronics in the living room where she can be seen. 

Left out mama's picture

This! 
she has shown she is not able to handle the responsibility of being on a computer unsupervised. 
 

On a side note, given the frequency that this is happening and she hates the consequences but keeps repeating the behavior... she may have an addiction issue. It's a real thing, she may be getting g a dopamine  release from it. It becomes a compulsion for her that she can't control on her own.

Survivingstephell's picture

Talk with the teacher about that. Seeing she is using school property, they might have a way to help you.  Put limits on WiFi at night,  for every difficult morning she goes to bed earlier and that's her new bedtime.  I have a BD 12 and I get it.  Firm rules around electronics.  

Harry's picture

At a certain time.  Put the router in your bedroom with a timer on it 

caninelover's picture

And some routers allow you to restrict certain devices for certain hours. 

So you can restrict the laptops/phones/whatever SD has access to except during the day when she is in a school session, which should be downstairs in a public area like the dining room where people can come and go at any time.  Other than that, zero internet access.  She can earn it back a little bit at a time with chores, etc. 

Rags's picture

IMHO you tie the consequence to the tool and to her school performance.  If she is using the Chrome book inappropriately she loses the Chrome book until she returns to the classroom.  She does not complete those assignments, she fails.

Lather, rinse, repeat. 

Send her teacher an email informing them that she has lost access to the Chrome book due to using it for surfing rather than for school work and will not be turning in this period's work.  If the teacher chooses to facilitate her completing the work in person at school, that is up to the teacher. Hopefully, the teacher will let her fail.

That will teach her far more than just about anything else in this case.

Access to electronics is not a right, It is a privilege that should have to be earned continuously.

IMHO of course.

IDontCare3117's picture

Taking away a necessary educational item and causing the child to fail would accomplish exactly what?  It would be the same thing as taking away required textbooks.  Finding a way, with the school's assistance, to block certain websites just might possibly be a better option.  

IMHO of course.  

EveryoneLies's picture

I just caught SS reading on his ipad during class time (and lied about it) today too.

In general we asked him to leave the device outside of his room when it's not needed. If he needs a certian device for class of course he's free to grab and use them. Reading or watching YouTube during class time however is not permitted and he can lose his device for his free time too.

But again even though we can probably prevant him from reading on an ipad during class, it's unlikely we can prevant him from reading a real book when he should not be. I am not going to follow him around for this though. Told him it's his future he's ruining, if he thinks we are joking, it's on him.

Rags's picture

My SS was one to read novels in class.  When he received a D on a progress report his mom and I scheduled a parent teacher conference with his teaching team as the progress report form instructed if a student received any grade less than a C or behavior rating less than satisfactory.

We showed up for the conference and got the teacher hairy eyeball from the entire team... except for the Science teacher.  They asked why we were there. We told them we did what the report form instructed due to SS's D.  Apparently we were the first parents to actually read the form or gave a shit enough to meet with teachers as instructed.

Unknw

So we asked the questions and led the conference.  It came out that SS was reading novels in class.  DW and I grilled the teachers on why they would allow that and why they did not invoke consequences for his choices other than "put the book away".  I told them next time to take the book, tear it half, throw it away, take his desk and make him stand at the front of the classroom on a side wall for the rest of class.  Lather..... rinse ......... repeat.

The science teacher was thrilled to have parents who demanded respectful behavior from their kid.  The other teachers were mortified.  They refused to toss his novel because "We don't want to ruin his love for reading!"  We pointed out that they obviously did not know our kid because he would read toilet paper if there was nothing else for him to read.  Then they went into the eternal cycle of "what ifs".   "What if it is a library book?" Umm pitch it in the garbage. He will replace it when he cleans our neighbors toilets and any other nasty job we find for him to earn the money to replace the book." You would have thought we were selling SKid beatings at an amusement park.  Oh, noooooo!

The science teacher did pitch a couple of his books and take his desk a couple of times.  No more D's on progress reports.  He extricated his head from his butt and flew straight.  The science teacher received complaints from a couple of his teaching team mates.  They claimed that he did not read novels in their classes so punishing him wasn't necessary.  We pointed out that he did not have novels to read because the science teacher had thrown them away and made him stand for class where he could not hide a novel or do anything without the hairy eyeball of the teacher and all of the students on him.

15+ years later... and the kid is a voracious reader.  Most importantly he has learned to keep his entertainment and relaxation time separate from his work time.

IMHO the main motivator for him to not read novels in class and do keep his grades up was being made the center of attention by having to stand through class. This kid hated attention and would do whatever it took to stay invisible and in the middle of the pack.  

EveryoneLies's picture

Your line about reading toilet paper made me laugh out loud lol ( i needed it, thanks).

I encourage my SS to read too. I don't even care what types of book as long as the content is age appropriate. My SS is in SpEd and he told us the classes are too "easy."  Well guess what, he didn't even have a B for those "easy" classes. I'm all for if you are straight As and really nothing to learn in class, feel free to read (but of course, the teachers have to be on board too). Cs or Ds or oh the horror Fs do not come with joy and privileges.

Rags's picture

My Skid is not SpEd. He just sought and fought for the middle and anonymity.  As an extremely smart and observant kid he figured out in a hurry that if he nailed his grades for the first 6 weeks of a semester (always straight As for the first 6 weeks) he could do absolutely nothing for the next six weeks and pass on to the next semester and ultimately to the next school year while doing exactly what he wanted to do half of the time.  Every semester, he did the same thing for many years.  He was always exceptionally polite and well behaved and his teachers loved him. Then the second 6 weeks would start and his teachers were taken totally aback and were at a loss as to what was up with him.  He was still extremely polite and well behaved, he just did absolutely nothing.  We gave them clarity and advised that they take his desk, stand him at the front of the class room and put the spotlight on his lack of performance and he would immediatly go back to straight As so he could fade back to anonymity.  They were always mortified and set him up with the school counselor, were convinced he was on drugs, and wanted to know 

After fighting this same battle through his sophomore year of HS we sent him to an environement where willful underperformance and anonymity were instantly and continually painful.  He thrived in Military School.... until his Spermidiot sabotaged his success... but... that is a tale for another thread.

Eventually SS realized that anonymity was not what he truly wanted for his life and embraced holding himself accountable for his choices and performance and selected a career and enviornment where he really had no choice but to live up to his potential.  He has been in the USAF for nearly 10 years and is kicking butt.  He just re-enlisted for another 6 years which will get him to a final 4 year enlistment for full military retirement.  His mom and I are extremely proud of the man we raised and that SS is committed to being.

My SS once made a comment to us when we were all dealing with a 6wk period of straight Fs.  His version of your SS's "classes are too easy" comment.

"Mom, Dad, you know I can do it, I know I can do it, my teachers know I can do it... so why should I have too?"   That left me speechless which is a rarity for me.  The answer was .... "because we said so and because to graduate you have too". We went on to another couple of years of intermittent stellar performance and struggles but ultimately we landed on the right blend of oversight, consequences, and fear of an unknown adult future to get him successfully through high school... ultimately with honors.  That final few years of our minor SKid journey included military boarding school, zero electronics, a trip to a homeless camp to introduce him to his future neighbors if he failed to graduate on schedule, and a burning platform of beck and call boy chore list hell to get him to successfully launch.

tog redux's picture

Is she not getting the assignments done? (Says the person who is on Steptalk while working from home remotely).