The bitch asked for more money again. She made a financial decision without us and expects us to just “pay our half”. Same shit, different day.
I am dancing so close to the D-word and it breaks my heart. DH and I had a very frank discussion last night. Well, actually, he said I didn’t have to hate him. I denied hating him. He said “We’ve been married almost 10 years. I think I know when you’re pissed at me. I know its uncomfortable to talk about but we need to.” So, I spilled. More like the dam broke. I told him I was sick of him crippling our family so she could essentially double-dip on child support. That the arrangement they have is unfair and the only one who benefits is her. The skids get to live it up while we suffer, while our littles suffer. It’s not fair to him for how hard he has to work to keep up. It’s not fair to our littles for the things they miss because we can’t afford it. It’s not fair to me because I have to live with him complaining about being broke all the time when he’s the one forking all his hard earned money over to that bitch while we pay our bills with credit cards. I said there was nothing fair about the situation, that I was starting to realize that it was never going to change, that I was feeling beaten down and defeated by it because I felt like I’ve been screaming it from the rooftops from day one and all he’s done is ignore or dismiss me and do whatever the f*ck he wants while I get painted as a nagging bitch and evil stepmother.
I’m so tired of it. I’m starting to doubt whether I truly love my DH anymore or whether I just don’t want to make THAT drastic change. If we divorced, I wouldn’t want a dime from him, not even child support. He can save that for his precious older kids since he’s so devoted to them. Maybe I still love him a little because I don’t want to see him suffer anymore. I’m just utterly spent from being dragged down the hole with him. He honestly can’t see that what he is doing is wrong. That he isn’t just “taking care of his kids”, he’s putting us all through hardship so the older ones can live the high life.
At the onset of our one-sided conversation I said I was frustrated by life and that nothing would ever change. He flared up and said ‘Yes it will. You know it will. I’ve been counting down to the day they turn 18 just as much as you!’ I told him, no. After they turn 18 it will just be something else. He and their BM are raising them to be lazy, irresponsible leaches. They’re not there yet but I can see the path laid out. It’s already started with SD not having/keeping a job but still driving all over BFE and spending what money she does have on clothes, fast food, and movies – all the while her BM is hustling DH for insurance money for the car.
I don’t want a divorce. I don’t want to split my family apart. But I don’t want to live like this for the rest of my life. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve fantasized about the sweet relief that would come from simply packing up the littles and leaving that whole god-forsaken mess behind. And that scares me. I believe in marriage for life. In commitment and working through rough patches and doing the hard work required to maintain a lasting relationship. I’m just not sure I’m strong enough to do it anymore.