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blessedwithstress's picture

The bitch asked for more money again. She made a financial decision without us and expects us to just “pay our half”. Same shit, different day.

I am dancing so close to the D-word and it breaks my heart. DH and I had a very frank discussion last night. Well, actually, he said I didn’t have to hate him. I denied hating him. He said “We’ve been married almost 10 years. I think I know when you’re pissed at me. I know its uncomfortable to talk about but we need to.” So, I spilled. More like the dam broke. I told him I was sick of him crippling our family so she could essentially double-dip on child support. That the arrangement they have is unfair and the only one who benefits is her. The skids get to live it up while we suffer, while our littles suffer. It’s not fair to him for how hard he has to work to keep up. It’s not fair to our littles for the things they miss because we can’t afford it. It’s not fair to me because I have to live with him complaining about being broke all the time when he’s the one forking all his hard earned money over to that bitch while we pay our bills with credit cards. I said there was nothing fair about the situation, that I was starting to realize that it was never going to change, that I was feeling beaten down and defeated by it because I felt like I’ve been screaming it from the rooftops from day one and all he’s done is ignore or dismiss me and do whatever the f*ck he wants while I get painted as a nagging bitch and evil stepmother.

I’m so tired of it. I’m starting to doubt whether I truly love my DH anymore or whether I just don’t want to make THAT drastic change. If we divorced, I wouldn’t want a dime from him, not even child support. He can save that for his precious older kids since he’s so devoted to them. Maybe I still love him a little because I don’t want to see him suffer anymore. I’m just utterly spent from being dragged down the hole with him. He honestly can’t see that what he is doing is wrong. That he isn’t just “taking care of his kids”, he’s putting us all through hardship so the older ones can live the high life.

At the onset of our one-sided conversation I said I was frustrated by life and that nothing would ever change. He flared up and said ‘Yes it will. You know it will. I’ve been counting down to the day they turn 18 just as much as you!’ I told him, no. After they turn 18 it will just be something else. He and their BM are raising them to be lazy, irresponsible leaches. They’re not there yet but I can see the path laid out. It’s already started with SD not having/keeping a job but still driving all over BFE and spending what money she does have on clothes, fast food, and movies – all the while her BM is hustling DH for insurance money for the car.

I don’t want a divorce. I don’t want to split my family apart. But I don’t want to live like this for the rest of my life. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve fantasized about the sweet relief that would come from simply packing up the littles and leaving that whole god-forsaken mess behind. And that scares me. I believe in marriage for life. In commitment and working through rough patches and doing the hard work required to maintain a lasting relationship. I’m just not sure I’m strong enough to do it anymore.

Comments

tog redux's picture

Do you work? What are your finances like? Are you able to separate finances as part of agreeing to stay, and ask him to give you X amount each month to cover the bills and needs for your kids and let him use what's left for the other kids?  

Have you sat down and done a budget and showed him how much you have, how much his going out, and how in debt you are? If you've done all of that and he still shrugs his shoulders and hands over extra money to BM, then I don't know what else you can do.

If he thinks the drain on his wallet will stop at 18, he's lost his mind. There is college tuition and books, car payments, etc. 

blessedwithstress's picture

I'm the bookkeeper in the house. He's horrible at budgeting. I do work FT. We have friends who keep their finances separate and we've always thought it was strange, but now I'm starting to see the merit in it. Every time we have conversations about money it always ends badly. We have no savings. Our credit card balances are sky high. We live paycheck to paycheck and we both make decent money by today's standards. His response is always the same - he gets huffy and depressed about how hard he works without getting anywhere. When its bad enough he talks about wishing he was dead, then everyone would be better off because we'd have insurance money. *eyeroll 

I agree - the arterial bleed coming from his wallet is never going to stop - and that scares me to death. I do not care about these skids enough to live the rest of my life as a pauper because his daddy guilt won't let him say no.

SteppedOut's picture

"....bad enough he talks about wishing he was dead..."

That right there is manipulation.

Tell him to hold tight while you get another policy. 

Oh, and eff him. 

tog redux's picture

Yeah, money stuff would be a deal breaker for me.  And his utter inability to even talk about it is ridiculous.

What about marriage counseling? 

DH and I have a joint account and a joint credit card that we use for anything household related, including our pets, etc.  Then we both have separate accounts. We each put a portion into the joint account that's reasonable based on other factors (ie, he puts more money into a 401K for our retirement, so I put more in for monthly bills). Anything left over is ours - BUT, we are both frugal and sitting on lots of savings.

Maybe something like that would work. 

ITB2012's picture

"I believe in marriage for life."

This is not life. This is purgatory to support someone else's life.

This is not a marriage. This is purgatory to support a previous marriage.

 

Your DH, skids, and the ex by extension of what DH does are all using you to support the first family and not allowing you to have your own family.

Gimlet's picture

First, you are correct this does not stop at 18 for most of us.  

Second, why on Earth would he wait until 18 to make changes?  What's wrong with telling BM "No" now?  If you are putting your lives on credit cards, then he doesn't have the money for extras, period 

I agree with Tog above.  What would happen if you separated finances?  If you are not working, can you look for work ASAP? 

blessedwithstress's picture

Second, why on Earth would he wait until 18 to make changes? 

Because he set a precedent when they first divorced and refuses to rock the boat now. He's afraid to piss her off...which blows my mind because he sure doesn't care about pissing ME off and I'm the one he shares a bed with every night. 

Oddly enough, he has a friend at work who is on the brink of divorce. Guess what the final straw was for that couple? The husband made a significant financial decision that involved giving money to the child after they'd already agreed NOT to do it, but the husband went ahead and did it anyway! If the parallels between that situation and ours aren't obvious to him, then he's being willfuly blind.

Kes's picture

I know exactly how you feel, been there.  Divorce settlements regarding CS in my country (UK) are made generally between his and hers lawyers, but DH insisted on giving grasping, greedy NPD BM far far over the odds in CS than he needed to.  And all through their growing up he continued to foot bills he didn't need to pay. Teens in this country, (UK) normally never get cars bought for them or insurance paid for, and if they want to go to higher education they get a student loan, parents are not expected to pay. However, guess who ended up forking out over £60k for SD24's first degree so the poor ickle diddums didn't have a nasty student loan to pay back?   since then she has also done a Masters degree (student loan) and a drama course of all things (£12K) - I insisted DH didn't pay for that one - apparently step father paid, more fool him, huh? 

The gravy train has now well and truly hit the buffers, and SD24 is squawking all over the shop about having to pay her own way. Like your SKIDs, mine were raised to be lazy, irresponsible leeches.  More by luck than judgement, SD22 has actually been holding down full time employment for the last 2 yrs but I imagine her sister will still be sticking her paw out for handouts well into her 40s.  

Sorry, ended up talking all about me! Well done for telling your DH exactly how you feel.  He should know how close you are to jacking it all in. 

Merry's picture

I can feel your pain from here. 

If you haven’t done a budget, that’s your first task. Make the budget then WORK the budget. Have weekly budget meetings with DH so he has to see exactly where every penny is going. 

I have to do this with my DH — and all our kids are grown and off the payroll. I resent the hell out of it but not doing it is the road to bankruptcy. 

So far it’s been easier for him to keep BM happy and you unhappy. You need to up your game so that he has an attitude adjustment. 

Monkeysee's picture

So far it’s been easier for him to keep BM happy and you unhappy. You need to up your game so that he has an attitude adjustment. 

Exactly this. If you’re thinking of divorce, if you didn’t mention it as part of your talk with him (and good for you for being so honest), it absolutely needs to be said. I had a come to jesus discussion with my DH before we got married because he was constantly putting BM first ‘for the kids’ or to not rock the boat. Said he wanted a ‘peaceful life’, and of course *I* was the nagging b*tch who was ruining it all.

I told him he could have peace with one of us, and if it wasn’t going to be me I was done. He chose me, and has been choosing me consistently since.

Your DH is being an irresponsible @ss by giving BM & your skids everything they could ever possibly ask for. I will never ever EVER understand how a parent could put their first kids so far ahead of their younger ones, and yet we see it all the time here. It’s such a horrid double standard, and completely unfair to both the current partner & younger kids. If you aren’t going to put anyone else first asides from the Ever So Holy First Family, then do EVERYONE a favour and stay single. Or stay with the BP. You & your kids deserve better, and the Holy First Children do not deserve more just because their parents divorced. Boo-f*cking-hoo. 

I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I hope you make it plain as day that if this continues you’ll be out the door. Never mind waiting until 18 or redoing your budgets, honestly he needs to know you mean business. The disrespect & double standard has been going on long enough. 

Harry's picture

At 18,  It’s just bigger amounts of money needed.  As car, cai insurance, college, weddings.  Houses. And future GK.  Either you set up a budget right now.  Where DH gives you his fair share of living expenses each month. Or this is how life is going to be 

lieutenant_dad's picture

File for bankruptcy, put a freeze on all new credit, and separate your finances. If you don't want to divorce, then get out of the hole that has been dug and don't allow it to be dug again. Though, if he's that bad with money, I'd talk to an attorney about your options that protects your finances from his stupidity. It may be that you'll have to divorce on paper to prevent him from racking up more debt.

And maybe you file for legal separation during the bankruptcy. Show him just how fed up you are and that his actions while you both recoup your finances will determine if the separation leads to divorce or if it leads to reunification. The legal separation *should* protect you from his stupidity if he tries anything stupid and will give you breathing room to see what you can make of your own life, even if you stay living together.

Basically, talk to a bankruptcy attorney and lay out the plan that DH will follow unless he's cool with divorce. You'll be paying for his mess anyway, so he can choose whether you address it together or separately.

hereiam's picture

His response is always the same - he gets huffy and depressed about how hard he works without getting anywhere. When its bad enough he talks about wishing he was dead, then everyone would be better off because we'd have insurance money.

And does he realize why he is not getting anywhere? He is putting himself, and his family, in this financial situation. Shame on him.

ITB2012's picture

My DH does the same thing, the huge, morose statement so that you'll swoop in, make him feel better, and take on his bad feelings and potential fix it for him.

blessedwithstress's picture

I know he's looking for a pity party. He didn't get one this time. I was too angry. 

Iamwoman's picture

My exH did this to me.

He spent all of his money, and all of mine on himself and his two adult daughters, leaving nothing for DD(6 at the time).

I separated our finances, and told him that any bills involving just him (such as his vehicle) are his alone.

I then backdated rent and told him that he will be paying rent until he has paid as much as had paid over the months, and then we would split rent.

I gave him the Internet bill since he set up with a company that I don’t approve of.

I took auto insurance, groceries, phones, and electric, to ensure nothing was shut off and we had food.

He never made a payment on anything. I divorced him within two months after that. Within the next 6 months he had his vehicle repossessed, he went back to live with his elderly parents and his two adult daughters who all lived in the same house, at the pathetic age of 50.

He was also one of those men who complained about the “unfairness” of life, yet didn’t see how his poor decisions kept him (and everyone around him) down.

He made it very easy for me to divorce him after he punched me in the face. He was upset about the separation of finances, but he wasn’t willing to change his spending/earning habits either, so I was forced to financially protect my child and myself from him.

You can’t force someone to be a better person, or to care about you more.

You can, however, choose to protect yourself and your children.

If you’re worried about divorce for religious reasons, the Bible does allow divorce in cases of abandonment, which includes constructive abandonment. Constructive abandonment is when a spouse is physically present, but has emotionally or mentally abandoned their spouse.

If he no longer cares for you, loves you, or makes you his number one priority (a few slip ups are ok, but we are talking patterns of several months here), then you have been abandoned as a spouse.

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

There are so many good comments above, so I'll just add this...

I saw on your other posts you are working with some sort of budget.  Have you and DH agreed on what the priorities really are on that budget?  I mean it's great if our teenagers can all have cell phones, cars, and look forward to debt-free college, but in reality, those are privileges and luxuries, not necessities.  If you can't afford it, you can't afford it...period. 

Even if SD17 is basically a great kid as you've said before, that doesn't mean you have to go into debt and sacrifice your marital/family harmony to provide a perfectly capable teenager with luxuries that she CAN work for herself.  If she isn't working, why does she NEED a car and therefore car insurance?  Maybe give her a deadline to get a job and foot the bill until then.  If she doesn't do it then she can take the bus to school, have a friend pick her up, get that job she's avoiding, or BM can choose to suck it up and pay herself. 

As for the money drain continuing after she turns 18...only if DH has the extra to give.  Otherwise, there are personal/student/home/car loans, grants, scholarships, work-study, and a million other resources that SHE can tap into as an adult.  If she ends up sitting around on her entitled hiney after 18, well then she can hang her head and walk into the local public assistance office.  

It just sounds to me like DH needs to come to terms with the reality of his financial situation, prioritize, humble himself and have an honest chat with SD17 about being grateful for what she has and working hard for what she doesn't.  That's never easy to admit to your kids that you can't afford a certain lifestyle, but it sounds like he is risking losing all that is good in his life because he can't say a simple, "No, I'm sorry, but I can't afford to pay for that."  That is so sad if that is what brings you to divorce.  Again, I'm so sorry you are feeling so torn right now.  I hope he sees the light!

 

Doublehelix's picture

I'm so sorry.  :(  I can relate to the general sentiment. I will never understand why men think "taking care of their kids" only applies to their first family. Unfortunately, it's probably bc they think WE are on top of it and can take care of the shared little ones. My SO constantly is saying that he wants to put more effort into SD bc he doesn't trust BM to do it - WELL WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?!  ::facepalm::

blessedwithstress's picture

Thank you all so much for your support. I feel like I'm beating my head against the wall. I've told him so many different ways that this arrangement needs to change, that his financial situation and hers have changed so drastically since their divorce that it merits re-evaluating their agreement but he won't budge. He's so certain that he's doing what is best for his kids (his DUTY as a father) that he is blind to what he is doing to the rest of us. 

On the budget note, CAN you even budget when you barely make enough to cover all your bills every week/month? I'm a passionate penny pincher and shameless cheapskate. I haven't bought myself new underwear in over a decade if that tells you anything (sorry TMI). I've laid out all our bills in a spreadsheet and try to track week by week where everything needs to go so our bills get paid on time. It is a neverending thankless juggling act to pay things on time when BM keeps asking for extra money every other week. DH promises that once the kids are 18 it will be different. "WE (as in him and me) will make the decision about how much we can afford to help them. WE will do it, not her." I won't hold my breath. I have a feeling it will still be "Well BM isn't helping them so it's up to me. I can't just NOT help my kids." Um, yes you can. Give them a place to sleep and food to eat. The rest aren't necessities and they should figure it out on their own. Am I out in left field on this one?

SteppedOut's picture

Girl, you have 2 choices:

1) Accept that only his 1st family children are important enough to provide "adequate" support and you make up the difference for your children and household.

2) Leave this jackass. You and your children will be better off financially. I can only imagine this constant stress is taking a heavy toll on you. 

Might I suggest option 2? Life is too short for all this nonsense.