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I only joint last night and I think me and fiancé are over.

Sydneymck's picture

I give and I give, Ive done so much for my partner. I stuck by him when he went to prison, I took care of his nan while he was away, he had a bad past that I accepted as people can change and people make mistakes. 

Still it’s not good enough! He left with his son last night was supposed to come home. And his son new that but then after his son spoke to his mum etc the next minute his son was like I don’t want you to go home. Why are you leaving me. Your out of order, you have to stay with me at nanny’s etc.... so my partner stayed with him last night at my mother in-laws. And now on top it if my partner didn’t go to work today because his son moaned again. He said to his son you know I’ve got to go home and I’ve got to go to work and yet again gave into him as per usual. Any time I’ve spoke to my partner today he’s in the back ground dad get off the phone and come and watch me play PlayStation, dad I want a drink get off the phone, dad, dad, dad...... 

im sure my step son knows what he’s doing. And him and his mother enjoy keeping us apart. I’ve done nothing but cry today and feel like if this was the other way around I’d be there straight away to comfort my partner. But he’s said to me I have to be more understanding! More understanding of what? I’ve never said a bad word about his ex, I’m lovely to his son and make sure he has what he needs when he’s in my home and it just gets thrown back in my face. 

I told my partner I was going to pack all of his stuff and he can collect it when he’s ready. And now he’s upset with me as he doesn’t want that. And I don’t really want that either. But wtf am I supposed to do?!

i can’t take it anymore. And I’m certainly not going to let this carry on when the baby is here and it’s not fair on my daughter. 

Comments

susanm's picture

I'm sorry that things are breaking down.   This is not an easy life.  You did not say how long you have been together and how far along in your pregnancy you are.

Sydneymck's picture

We’ve been together 2 years in January (feels like longer) . But new each other before then. 

I’m 4 months pregnant and it should be a happy time but it’s only happy when his sons not here as my partner doesn’t speak about our pregnancy around his son :( 

 

tog redux's picture

I'm guilty sometimes, in my marriage, of doing and doing and giving and giving, and then getting upset when DH doesn't reciprocate in the ways I want him to, even though I haven't asked him.  I realize that I'm a bit of a people-pleaser, and when I give, I'm unconsiously expecting the same in return - but that's the wrong way to give.  DH hasn't signed any contract saying he will give equal to what I give. And while he is very giving and loving much of the time, if I choose to do things for him, it's on me.  Doing it with a sense of expecting something back is wrong and unfair.  I didn't even realize I did that until I tried to really analyze why, whenever I get mad at him, I start thinking of all the things I do for him.

I'm not clear on exactly why you are so upset, except that your DH is spending some time with his son at his mother's house - is this a pattern? Are you wanting him to bring his son back to your house? Are you wanting him to set limits on his son? Are you feeling second best?

Or are you just wanting him to give to you what you want, because you try so hard to give to him what he wants?

Sydneymck's picture

Thanks for your message. 

I completely understand what you mean. And maybe I do expect the same back. But at the same time I love hard and I’m not saying he loves me any less as he can be very giving. I have a pattern of putting everyone before myself anyway.  But he knows what I’m like and he knows that I need emotional support also but sometimes he doesn’t do so well he doesn’t do so when it comes to his son. 

 

Its not not that I’m second best to his son. As I always will be anyway because it’s his son and I can accept that I always have done and that’s not what the problems is.  The problem is he needs to discipline his son more and teach his son that he can’t always have things his way. 

 

My mother in law agrees with me. So I know I’m not crazy. 

His son was already here for 4 days and I secluded myself to my bedroom 95% of the time so they could have there time. They even went out just them 2 together. But yet my partner still ‘needed’ to stay with him at my mother in-laws  when he took him there yesterday evening. Even though my step son was supposed to be going back to his mothers. And now it looks like there both staying there again because his son wants him to. But the way his son has said it is as if he’s only doing it to keep his dad away from me and my daughter as his son only thinks about himself. 

tog redux's picture

I'm not sure it's worth ending your relationship over at this point - I wouldn't take it so personally.  Sounds like your SO is a weak father and the boy is spoiled, but it's not quite hopeless yet, in my opinion.

Sydneymck's picture

I can’t take it anymore. I’ve tried talking to my partner a few times today and nothing good has come of it. Like I feel broken. I feel worthless, like a knowbody, I feel like a convinience. I just want to run away. 

 

It it should be my 3 year old daughter playing up. Not his 10 year old son. It makes no sense to me :( 

tog redux's picture

That's a problem, because it really has nothing to do with you. It's about your SO's guilt and need to please his son.  Have you considered getting some therapy?

Sydneymck's picture

I suggested he goes to therapy for a few sessions alone and then we can go together which he said he’s completely fine doing so. But I still don’t know if that will work. Like he will say to me I feel stressed I just want everyone to be happy. But the reason he feels that way is because of his son. 

Mans then he says seeing me happy makes him happy. But I can’t pretend to be happy anymore. And keep telling him he needs to put himself first and do things his way before pleasing others. 

 

I think your right and he does feel guilt and needs to do everything his son says. But if he keeps doing that he will lose me, my daughter and then only have a part time relationship with our unborn baby. Which he said he never wants that because he loves me and my daughter. When he talks to other people all he talks about is her and his face lights up. And he always thanks me for letting him bring her up. And always says he’s so lucky to have a beautiful woman and a beautiful daughter etc..... but as soon as the sons her the dynamic completely changes. His son doesn’t even answer my partners phone calls. And will then only call if he wants to use my partners card for something and then will call every Thursday to make sure his dad will give him pocket money when he gets picked up Friday. I just think his son is selfish and careless. 

Sydneymck's picture

wow I know I’m upset and suffering right now. But that’s a little harsh of you to say. My partners not a bad person. He just made some mistakes when he was younger. The last time he was in trouble with the law was going on 5 years ago just took a while to sort out and he’s never done a long stretch in prison. He’s never physically harmed anyone. It’s just minor things.  

 

Mans I understand his son is a nightmare but calling him that is abit much. 

fairyo's picture

You wear your giving like a badge- we have all done it from time to time.In my first marriage I gave and gave and then realised I would get nothing back- why? Because I thought giving made me a good person- I wore it like a badge and used it as blackmail. I learned that that isn't what being a good person is- over-giving on this emotionl level takes the joy from other people, mostly the right to give themselves. Instead of giving to you he's giving to his son, and you know why? His son appreciates all that giving.I don't know how old your SS is- but he sounds quite young.

I am sorry that you are exhausted through giving- some people are made that way and will give until they drop (so many on here) and I have some admiration for them- but for others giving is difficult and exhausting and makes us unhappy, because we get nothing back.

Stop giving so much to him and start giving to yourself- sort out your own life- get support from family and friends and start to put youself at the centre of things for a change.

You say that people can change- but they will only if they want to- and from what I read you make it easy for him not to change. Change yourself first- then see the changes it makes in him- and if it doesn't, then let him go.

What you do for SS gets thrown back in your face? Then stop doing those things- you want thanks? You won't get any. 

WTF are you supposed to do? Put yourself and your needs first- and that may mean insisting that he leaves, but it may not. Put youself and your children first- that's what he does. Stop playing the martyr and start being a person who respects herself. Let us know how you get on.