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Husband issue.

Amyloo's picture

I know this website is about step children but I have no friends and no resources to talk about my issue. 

My husband and I have only been married for only 7 months. I made the stupid choice of marrying him right after our baby was born. I knew I’d regret it but I did it anyway thinking that it was what was best for our new baby. I didn’t want him to grow up with separated parents. My husband also has another son. He is two. He doesn’t have fifty percent of custody yet but he will next June. His parents are wealthy and payed for all his lawyer fees when him and his other baby mama were going to court for custody of step kid. I’ve grown sick of him. I can’t even look at him without feeling digust. He is an awful father and a lazy man child. He has a crap job and doesn’t make much money so his family practically pays for everything. He doesn’t help with our baby hardly ever and when his step son is over expects me to do a lot of the work. Last night he was tired and fell asleep at 6 while his son just played around the house. Then when nine o clock hit he just put him in his bed and went to sleep. Didn’t change his diaper or give him a bath. This morning his son woke up at 7 and he continues to sleep. It’s now 12:30  and I just got home from the gym. his son hasn’t had breakfast or lunch. He gave him some Doritos and let him eat them while he slept. He doesn’t play with him. He’ll lay on the couch and give his son movies to watch. He watch three movies yesterday while his dad slept. And two this morning. I feel really sad for his step child and a bit sad for mine as he’s going to grow up with a lazy dad who can’t take care of him. I’m growing weary of our relationship but don’t want to leave. He told me if you move out of the home you will lose rights to your child. Does anybody know if this is true? I’ve heard it’s called abandonment but I don’t know if it’s true. I want to leave but I don’t want to lose custody of my son. I love him so much. I also don’t want to leave though because if I do I’m afraid my son won’t get the care he needs like his brother and it makes me afraid to leave him with his dad  

He is irresponsible  we’re broker than broke and he took two days off last week because he was tired and needed rest  he shouldn’t be doing that as he is two months behind on child support for his baby mama and can’t evwn afford to feed his family without his mothers help  I don’t know how Togo about divorce with kids. He’s a very controlling guy and his parents will go above and beyond to make sure he gets custody of his kids. I can’t afford a lawyer. I can’t even afford to live on my own. I’m financially dependent on him and I don’t want to be. I don’t know where to start though. I need help and guidance as I try to make this transition out of my marriage. Does anybody have any resources or know where I should begin? 

He has no idea I want to split. I just can’t take it anymore. I’m not on the house title or the cars and I’m afraid I’d be without both those things. 

Areyou's picture

Find a free legal service in your county. It’s not true that you will lose your child if you leave him. When you leave make sure you have your child with you at all times and that you have a place to live.

SteppedOut's picture

You need to find a job as soon as possible. What do you mean you can't afford to live on your own...what did you do before you met this "man"? 

 

Amyloo's picture

I was a CNA and also worked in a daycare. Prices here in Colorado for a one bedroom apt are outrageous. 

SteppedOut's picture

So, where did you live before your husband? Can you go back to that situation?

Also, sleeping as much as he does is not normal; perhaps he is overwhelmed with trying to support everyone financially and is depressed? Maybe if you went back to work it would help him...and you to start gaining some independence. 

GrabitAndGo's picture

She said he has a crap job, doesn't earn much, and his family basically supporting them.  He's "overwhelmed with trying to support everyone financially and is depressed?"  Highly unlikely.  Sounds suspiciously like he may have alcohol or drug issues going on.  

GrabitAndGo's picture

I didn't say that at all.  I said I don't think he's overwhelmed in the least bit.  Perhaps he needs to get a better job so his family isn't supporting him, his kids and OP.  Better yet, how about he pulls his weight with his own children?

Amyloo's picture

He is far from overwhelmed. He took Friday off and slept all day because he is tired. He doesn’t want me to work. He wants me to stay home and do all the house work. 

justmakingthebest's picture

That is a sign of abuse. You need to take control of your life. Get a job. Find a what to support yourself and your child. Stop babysitting. Tell BM that you are not available to watch SS and ask her to coordinate child care with your H. Find child care for your son. Don't allow him to dictate your life. If he says that if you are working, he won't, don't leave your son. Be a single mom, while still married and living with your H. Move into another bedroom or your baby's room. You have more power and strength than you are giving yourself credit for. 

Leaving won't mean you give up custody. It will mean that our H will get visitation though. Be prepared for that. Talk to a lawyer. Consulations are usually free and you will at least have an idea of what you are looking at.

Step-girlfriend's picture

"He doesn't want me to work. He wants me to stay home and do all the house work".

Well I would like no skids and a swimming pool filled with all the wine I can drink, but we don't always get what we want, do we?

He is trying to control you, and unfortunately some people will take advantage of you as long as you let them do it. He knows you are there to take care of his son so he won't step up until you make him. Please take steps to become independant and be able to leave him. He is a man-child. What on earth is he so tired from??

Areyou's picture

I would recommend being patient and use the next four years to get a college degree while you are living with him. When you complete your degree and get a decent paying job, get your own place and file for divorce. By then your child will be in kindergarten and hopefully you two will be so sick of each other he will agree to a divorce. I waited until my child was old enough before I finally left the ex. 

twoviewpoints's picture

Amy, you're kind of all over the place with details. 

You wrote before that 50/50 is in transition and would be complete in November. Here you say the father gets 50/50 next June (almost a year from now). So I'm a bit confused as to how this transitioning is all about nor how often your husband currently has his son. Is this period due to the child's age and something laid out in the court order?

You didn't marry your husband until after your baby was born, but did you live with him before and during your pregnancy?  Have you been caring for his older child all along, or just since your marriage. I guess I'm wondering how and/or if your husband ever had his oldest child himself without your help and how he managed to care for the child when the child was actually a baby. Did your husband's mother do the parenting for your husband before you came into the picture? I can't imagine from what you've said about your husband, that he was one to get up with a baby doing night feedings and bathing and rocking his son to sleep. 

Where are your parents? Would they help you get on your feet and a place to stay if you take the baby and leave husband. You already have your CNA so you could work, does your state help with daycare supplements?  May be able to work, go to school to advance on the nursing part? 

 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

The first thing you need to do is get a job. CNA's don't get paid well, but always seem to be in demand. Start working for a service and then see if you can find a private position. Private is going to pay better. Try nextdoor.com - it is a message board where the members all live in the same neighborhood. On mine there was an ad just yesterday looking for a private CNA. There are always people looking for babysitters and nanny's with flexible hours.

Start putting some money away, even if it is only small amounts at a time. Open a bank account in your name only in a different bank than the one you use w/DH. You need to become independent and have the finances to take care of you and your son on your own.

Do you have family or friends who you can help you - provide a place to stay if you do leave? Contact a lawyer now and get some advice on how to proceed. Google "pro bono divorce lawyer Colorado" or "pro bono family law Colorado." My county in Colorado does not provide legal aide for divorce cases, but there are non-profits that do. There are also lawyers who will do it pro bono. Google "pro bono divorce lawyer Colorado" or "pro bono family law Colorado." Start making some calls.

Google "family law" in Colorado and you will find lawyers who have websites that have lots of information on custody and divorce laws. You can learn a great deal just reading the different sites.

You might try a domestic violence hotline for some help - even though you are not in an abusive situation yet, they will probably give you some places to start getting some help. When and if you leave, take your child with you. Immediately file for child support and maintenance (what alimony is called in Colorado.)

In my personal experience in Colorado, it is still pretty pro mother, especially if she is not working.

If your SS was older it would be easier to not care for him and leave it all up to your DH. Since he is only you 2, you are going to have to provide some care or make your DH do it. I agree with the post upthread - if DH won't do it, call BM and have her come get the child.

Not to make excuses for your DH, but is there any chance he has some sort of a medical issues? Sleeping so much is not normal, it is also a sign of depression.

 

Step-girlfriend's picture

And a few other ideas:  I used to live in CO, and you are right, it’s crazy expensive. You definitely have to get a job. But just because you were a CNA before, doesn’t mean you can’t do something else. Start looking on Indeed.com and Craigslist, stat. There are tons of jobs out there, and I would apply for things that you don’t even think you have a chance at getting. I have gotten several jobs when I haven’t even had experience with them. Maybe check out being a nanny- you may be able to bring your child with you, and sometimes they provide places to stay. Or a server (good tips). At least to start. You could try Real Estate. I have several friends in CO who are Real Estate agents, and they are doing very well, plus they have flexible schedules. The class isn’t that expensive and you can get your license in under 2 months. This might mean you have to stay put until you get some income, unless you get your license while working another job, which is doable also. I did it. Just some ideas. 

Next- a single mother can always get state assistance. Low income housing, plus food. Again, at least to start. You could look for a roommate situation or rent part of a house to cut housing costs. Check out Craigslist! 

And last but not least- I used to work at a place in denver called The Gathering Place. I’m not sure where you live in CO, but in case it’s in Denver, they help out women and children with getting on their feet. It’s all free, and they can help with jobs also. And their free meals are delicious! https://tgpdenver.org

Don’t feel trapped. You can take control and get out and have a nice life, taking care of yourself and your child. It’s scary, but doable. 

 

 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

NEVER be married for a child. Unhealthy and toxic relationships create just as toxic an environement for the kids.

You need to find a way out, I agree with Blueskies. Find someone you can stay with while you get on your feet.

Leaving him doesn't mean losing your child. He may have visitation, but ou will still get to see your child. Do this for both of you.

Suemm44's picture

Op, you described my ex son in law. He was awful and they had twins. She finally left him yay. Just take your child and leave and do not let him have the baby unless you have in writing your custody papers. He's a controlling , lazy blow heart . I feel for you. I tried telling my daughter he'll never change