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How does she get away with talking to him like that?

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

SD14 TEXTS DH last night around 10:45 p.m. from her room to inform him that the color guard captain had just texted her and told her that they had practice this morning. DH texted back for SD14 to come and talk to him about it. Needless to say, DH was not happy about getting informed at nearly 11:00 p.m. at night that SD14 had to be somewhere 8 hours later, and he expressed that he was really tired of some 15-year-old (aka the color guard captain) running the show. SD14 gets a huge attitude, because apparently now she and the color guard captain are best buds, and SD14 doesn't like DH talking about her that way! DH then asks her if she texted the captain back yet to verify that she had received the message. SD14 then goes into super attitude mode!! "Well, I couldn't, because by the time I could respond back to her, my phone was on lock down! I don't know why you still have my phone on lockdown after 11:00 p.m. It should be taken off!!" DH explained that it was on lockdown because SD14 will be on the phone all night instead of sleeping if it weren't! SD14 then asserted again very rudely that it needed to be taken off of lockdown...period!

This led into about 5 minutes of DH yelling at her about who was the parent and who was the child, the whole time SD14 just standing there with her arms crossed rolling her eyes!

Then, the conversation got back to color guard. DH told SD14 that she needed to tell the coach (who is an adult hired by the band director to work part time...the guy also works as a color guard coach at another high school) that this was unacceptable...and if she had to, she needed to tell the band director that her parents would prefer email notifications when plans changed...not last minute texts from one of the girls. SD14 got into attitude mode again and told DH that she couldn't do that, that it would do no good, that the coach wants all messages to go through the captain to the girls. DH then exclaims, "Then he is an idiot!" SD14 then went on SUPER DUPER attitude mode telling DH he shouldn't say that about him...that offends her...he is her coach...etc. So, you respect your coach more than your parent? Why? Because your coach stands you up as the star of his show? Seriously...the coach is very much a part of the problem with SD14's attitude about her color guard team! As I mentioned, SD14 is always putting the other girls down saying they shouldn't even be in guard because they don't know how to do anything! That isn't what I witnessed this past Saturday at the show...I thought the girls did a wonderful job!!! I saw way, way worse performances at that competition in the novice category, which SD14's guard performs in. SD14 is NOT holding that team up, as much as she would like to believe. SD14 does have some talent...I'll give her that...but she is not the only one on that team who does! All the girls did an exceptional job in their dance and twirling! But SD14, the captain, and the coach are always putting these other girls down!

During parts of the conversation, SD14 seemed to be stumbling a she wasn't being honest. DH brought up that a schedule was sent home for practices and such, but that schedule is never followed. SD14 claimed it was because most of the girls can't ever show up, she she and the captain just work on moves together. DH brought up that the paper said very specifically, "Practice is mandatory! If you miss a practice, you lose your spot in the show." and that SD14 was very specific early on that she MUST be at every practice, and now she is indicating that this isn't the case, because all the other girls still have their spots in the show! Again, she was stumbling around...changing her story back and forth about actually being at any kind of it with the other girls or just her and the captain or not having any practice. So what is she really doing if there isn't practice, because the way she made it sound, there truly have hardly been any practices outside of the normal class period, because the other girls never show up!

Truthfully, if SD14 were my child, and she talked to me like that last night, that would have been the end of guard! If that is the kind of person guard is turning her into, then she doesn't need to be in it...period! Of course, it wouldn't have gotten this far, as guard would have been a thing of the past right after her little week of fun during winter break, when she was smoking pot and sneaking alcohol!

Oh, and the "rules" about eating have already gone to the wayside. SD14 didn't eat breakfast this morning, though she had plenty of time. That was one of the rules...she had to eat breakfast every day! DH just ignored this fact and took her on to school anyway!

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

"As far as breakfast? He should have stood by the door with keys in hand, telling her "I'm ready to go as soon as you've finished breakfast". And then if she was late because she pitched a be it. It's on HER."

EXACTLY! With her eating disorder, this was one of the rules made last week when DH FINALLY acknowledge that there was a problem! She got away with it unnoticed this morning, so I can guarantee she will go back to not eating breakfast, which means she will also go back to not eating lunch, as well. I mean, just Friday, she already got past the "no cell phone until you finish dinner" rule, because she has been using talking on the phone and "losing track of time" as an excuse for not eating dinner! Let her fall out during school one day...I will NOT go get her! I will call DH and tell him he better tell his boss he has an emergency, and go deal with it himself, because he is not enforcing his own rules. She is supposed to follow those rules, or she loses the color guard privilege...that is what was stated...she either start eating right, or she will not be in color guard, and if she continue on with this starvation crap, professional help will be sought if need be. Considering he hasn't followed through thus far, and we aren't even a week in...

Calypso1977's picture

backtalk and attitude drive me crazy. i cant stand to see SD13 speak to her dad the way she does, and i know its all because he allows it.

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

You know, in my day, when I was her age, if I had talked to my mom like that, I would have gotten smacked! And if I happen to get a bruise on my face from it, she would tell me, "If your teacher asked where you got that, tell her you back talked/lied to your mother!!" I'm not saying that is how it should be handled, but there has to be some consequence!! Like, if it were my kid telling me that the phone needed to be unlocked after 11 p.m. when I locked it because they were abusing the privilege and not sleeping, I would have said, "Oh really? You think you can tell me what to do with a phone I pay for? Guess you don't need it at all, then!" would be totally locked down so that the ONLY person she could call would be me in an emergency! We probably wouldn't have even gotten to the rest of color guard conversation at that point! I simply would not take her to practice, she could explain to her coach why she didn't get to practice, and if she lost her spot, she lost her spot!

SD14's attitude has totally gotten worse since she has been in guard!! The captain is one of the snootiest, controlling girls on the planet. At first, SD14 couldn't stand her...and now she is turning into this little brat!! I thought SD14's behavior was bad before! She seems to value this friendship more than her family, because this friendship puts her into a spotlight, and SD14 has already admitted she likes to be the center of attention! That is truly the only reason she wants to isn't for the love of art or anything is only because it puts her on a stage where people have to watch her and applaud her! It is the same reason she has done cheerleading, choir, theater, etc.

Calypso1977's picture

backtalk and attitude drive me crazy. i cant stand to see SD13 speak to her dad the way she does, and i know its all because he allows it.

Jsmom's picture

He tolerated that conversation. That is on him. 14 year old girls are the worst. But, if you shut it down, they back the hell down. Get the email of the coach and send an email yourself. Bypass her. Honestly, it sounds like you are all being played by a brat.

Sparklelady's picture

Before you even started to write about her stumbling in her story, red flags were going up all over in my mind that she's lying. Can't quite put my finger on what it is that you've written to make me feel that way, but I really to my core feel like she's telling a lot of B.S. If you care to, I would suggest doing a little digging to find out just what it is that she's lying about. Shouldn't be too hard to find the adult in charge, and confirm what the schedule actually is. If you don't want to get involved though, just have your husband check her text messages next time she makes these claims that there's a sudden change to the schedule.

It's funny, but I just know she's lying LOL.

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

I'm sure there is something that she isn't being truthful about, even if it is something as stupid as she knew earlier in the day and just got around to telling DH at nearly 11 p.m., but she didn't want to get into trouble for not remembering to tell DH earlier, so she blamed it on the captain! Or if it something more serious like she is hooking up with the boyfriend. She has a bad habit of lying...she will lie about anything, even stupid stuff that you KNOW the truth already. She leaves a cup of milk in the TV room, you call her in to pick it up, she will immediately claim it isn't hers and blame it on BS19, even though he isn't even home, and she was seen with that cup of milk just an hour earlier! The lies roll out too easily! But here lately, I think some of them may be unraveling, because more and more, she seems to be stumbling in conversations.

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Oh, I just sat there messing with my iPhone the whole time this thing was going on! When it comes to her health, I will bring to him my observations (i.e., the eating disorder) or when it is something that affects the household. For the most part, I leave her all up to him, which is why HE had to get up this morning to take her to practice, even though he called in sick to work because he was up all night with a stomach thing! The only thing I'm still stuck doing is waking her up in the morning, but I have to nearly kick DH out of bed, too. Neither of them can get up to an alarm clock! But if SD14 doesn't get up after I've told her to, I will kick his arse out of bed and tell him that she is ignoring that it is time to get up, and make him go finish dealing with her! DH always claims I don't like her...I do love her, she has been in my life since before she was a year old...but I don't like WHO she is. She acts fake, she is controlling, lying, manipulative, self-centered...I can't stand to be around people like that! So yes, if there is something I think really needs attention, I will bring it up to DH, but I'm not dealing with any of it myself any more.

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Oh, it's going to be interesting to see how SD14 reacts to this week not being about her! We were just informed this afternoon that BS19 is being signed to play football in college, at the school he wanted! Let the celebration begin!!! She is going to be so ticked that the family is making a fuss over him, as I can promise there will be a celebration dinner and such. This is a big deal...he's worked hard the last 6 years for this day!!

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Ugh! The attitude continues!!!!

DH gets home and SD14 is lying on the couch. He TELLS her to get up, and she starts being all snooty with him that she doesn't feel well and she's tired. She claims that she is tired because she has been running around all day! Really? Like DH and I don't get tired doing our jobs all day! Oh, and I still have two loads of laundry to wash, dry, AND put away, a meal to fix, pets to tend to...this is after I slept like crap all night because DH was up not feeling well. That means that DH also didn't sleep...and yes, called into work, but still had to spend his afternoon helping BS19 with his car issues (the engine ended up blowing on the car he got go $1000 about a year ago, so DH took him to try to get another, better car, especially after the college news). No...neither of us know anything about being tired or not feeling, I haven't pushed through having a headache most of the day!

Anyway...DH told her to clean her cereal bowl from her "dinner", get some carrots and eat them, and go take off her fake eyelashes. She just layed there and ignored him! He told her, "that wasn't a request!!!" Here comes the back talk and attitude. He asked her what she ate today...supposedly a burger for lunch, and she claimed she ate a sandwich for dinner. The latter is total BS, as I've been here the whole time, and all she had was a bowl of cereal. He told her again, "you're always tired because you don't eat right! You don't feel good because you don't eat right!!" He again ordered her to eat some carrots. She stomped her happy butt over to the fridge, got like 3 baby carrots, and plopped herself on the couch. She still hasn't done the other things DH TOLD her to do! Now, she is just sitting there texting!

I swear the attitude is getting worst every day!!! I think...or at least I is starting to get to DH! I'm waiting for him to be ousted to the point her butt is yanked out of guard! Oh, and as suspected, she is already having attitude about BS19's news about getting signed to play football. It is killing her he is getting any attention! It isn't like BS19 ever asks for extra attention. She just needs to get over herself and realize that this is a big time for him! This is phase 2 if his dream (phase 1 was varsity ball in high school)! If she wants support for her dreams, she needs to learn how to be happy for others achieving theirs! can be a b***h! There is a dinner planned with family for BS19 on Sunday...she better not ruin it with her attitude!

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Oh, how I wish I could! But DH will probably insist that she go. Ugh!

You know what? I don't care if she is jealous of the attention! BS19 has worked very hard for this! It isn't something he decided to do just to get attention...he has had a love for the game since he was 2! A football was the best gift you could give him, even if he already had 10 in his room! He would even sleep with a football. I still remembering him bugging me to play Pop Warner, but because of the crap we were dealing with with my ex, I could never sign him up. By the time my ex was out of the picture and DH adopted BS19, he had to wait for middle school to play. The kid has always given 110% to the game...was a captain in middle school and was varsity captain this past season. He believes in the building everyone up, that is why he was elected by his peers to lead them! He's one of those guys everyone likes because he is just a good person...thinks of others, isn't full of himself, and can be depended on. He is someone SD14 should try to learn from, rather than try to ride his coat tails to be popular!

I'm happy for BS19, and sad. Reality is kicking in that he will be leaving in a few months. He is such a breath of fresh sir around here. I just know once he leaves, SD14 will go into super spoiled mode when she is the only child left in the house! I told DH tonight, "is it just me, or is her attitude getting worse this week?" Can you believe he tried to blame PMS? He even asked her if it was "that time"! Seriously? I told him even if it was "that time" that was not an excuse to treat people like crap!

My4kidsmom's picture

You know, you should try talking to him for a couple days the way that she talks to him and see how willing he is to take it then. OR work out something with your Bio son where he agrees to talk to and treat YOU the same way he lets his DD speak to him. Just an idea that might open his eyes.

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

SD14 now apparently has even more color guard drama!! She had continued with the terrible attitude all week! Even something as simple as DH telling SD14 he loves her has been responded with an "I love you too" that sounds more like she wants to say "Whatever, shutup!"

So, SD14 is slamming around the house all evening. DH finally asks her what is up with the attitude close to bedtime. SD14 unloads this story that she had to go to tutorials this morning (which is mandatory if your grade is below a 75 in our school), and when she got to first period for guard, all the girls were giving her the cold shoulder, the coach yelled at her, and part of her part was written out of the show like the coach is trying to send her a message that they don't need her or something (her words). DH goes on to feed the rant by telling SD14 that he is so sick and tired of her coach, and the school...that everybody acts like they have their heads up their butts and if she has anymore problems, he is going to call up there and have someone's job! Really? "If I miss one more early morning practice for tutorials, he is writing me out of the show completely." Really? But he hasn't written anyone else out who hasn't come to practice? Seems there is more to this story! Personally, I hope he does, because the things she has done in the last couple of months, DH should have yanked her out of guard a long time ago!

Now, here is the REAL deal...we have had two kids go through that high school already. In 8 years, we have had very, very few problems with the school and it's staff! We only had one small problem with one assistant principle...but she was fired because she wasn't just our problem. BD22 spent 2 years in the band program under the very same band director that is over SD14. BS19 has been in theater for 3 years under the very same theater teach that is over SD14. ALL of SD14's teachers, one or both of the other kids have had...again, no problems. However, all of a sudden, there are all these problems! Low grades because teachers are losing SD14's homework! Last minute schedule changes that aren't communicated. All kinds of stuff. I can't help but wonder how much of this stuff is just stuff SD14 is coming up with to cover her own arse!

And the rest of guard giving the cold shoulder? Yeah...I don't think they did that because she went to tutorials and wasn't in early morning practice! I mean, the way SD14 tells it, most of those girls miss practices! No, I think it is because she treats the girls like she is better than all of them! I mean, it was just last week she was going on about, "None of them shouldn't be in guard! They don't know how to do anything!" I mean, DH got on to SD14 just this past Saturday that she needs to change the way she talks to people, because she ALWAYS sounds snooty! @TGIHB...I know you can relate to this from what you've said about your SD! You can't act like you are better than everyone, and expect them to like you!

Here is the worst of it...DH had to go and open his big mouth and say if things get any worse, he is pulling her out of that school, and using MIL's address to put her in a school that is on his way into work...the next town over...the school he graduated from. SD14 immediately loved this idea! Of course she does! She had done made enemies with everyone in the school and she isn't getting her way there. I know now the drama is going to get worse! Every day it is going to be something new now so that she can go to the other school. DH isn't even calling anyone at the school to check up on her stories! He is just blindly believing her...the one known to lie about anything! And now he has given her an out to the mess she has made, instead of making her deal with it! She is never going to learn how to treat people that way! How is it he doesn't see what I see? Oh, he is blinded by the idea that his princess is perfect, and how can anyone not like her because she is such an awesome person!

And last night, he tried to get me to friend SD14 on Facebook. I flat out told him no. He asked why not, and I told him straight up (with SD14 sitting right there), "I'm not into my newsfeed being filled with selfies every 5 minutes!"

As for conquering the eating disorder? Yeah, good luck for that! She surprisingly had a bowl of cereal for breakfast yesterday, but no dinner yesterday or the night before...and DH didn't even notice. It seems that SD14 has traded in her bulimia for anorexia! Great! DH is going to have to get his head out of the sand sometime! As I said in another post yesterday...I'm totally done! I'm not going to bring up when she skips meals, I'm not going to bring up the attitude...I'm basically going to go on with life as if she is not here unless something she does truly affects me or my home! Her milk glass from the day before yesterday and her cereal bowl from yesterday are STILL on the kitchen counter unwashed! Oh, and when I informed DH that I'm dedicating Saturday to filling out my son's financial aid stuff and studying for my PT certification exam, he just pouted at me..."I guess I'll go to SD14's guard performance alone!" Really? You are going to try to pull that guilt trip on me? Sorry...not going to work! I've got things I need to do, and some of it has been put off long enough (been trying to get my cert test in for months, but it seems every weekend, SD14 has something we spend all day on her, and the things I need, or want to do, get put aside).

Oh, and let me mention...if he does let her get away with changing schools, he can forget about be EVER, EVER picking her up if he is in a pinch! I'm not driving 40 miles round trip to pick her up from school because she doesn't know how to not make enemies of her school-mates!

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

EXACTLY!!! If the child can lie about a cup of milk left in the TV room or who spit on the faucet of the sink only she uses, doesn't he thing she can like about the crap at school? Seriously? EVERY TIME you have a zero, your teacher lost your homework? I would believe that one of our dogs ate it before I would believe that! And the reason the girls are mad at you is because you missed an hour of practice? When you were talking crap about all of them just last week? REALLY?

Maybe DH needs to put her in a different school, so that he can see that the exact stuff will happen there, and she will have the same stories. Oh, but then ALL the schools will be messed up!