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All About Her

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

SD14 is still going on about her "starring" parts in the guard show being shortened! She still insists that it is ONLY because she missed early morning practice and the coach suddenly has it out for her. She also blames only this for her own team giving her the cold shoulder. She is truly trying to play the victim here!!

1) Just last week, SD14 was telling DH, in a very snooty tone, that NONE of the other girls should even be on the team, because they don't know what they are doing. I'm sure she talks to them like she is above them, and I am also sure she has talked about the girls to other people in school. Maybe, just maybe, they got wind of what she said and they are tired of her acting like she is better than everyone, and THAT is why they are giving her the cold shoulder!

2) Maybe the change in the show was made because the other girl has been practicing her butt off, and EARNED more star time in the show! Has SD14 thought about that. No, she would rather it be an attack against herself to gain sympathy from DH.

3) Coach got mad at her for going to tutorials instead of early morning practice? Maybe it wasn't the tutorials he was mad about, but the fact that SD14 did not inform him ahead of time that she needed to attend tutorials!! It is possible that the team was left waiting around for a few minutes waiting for her to show up...and that was time wasted that wouldn't have been if SD14 just told the coach she was required to attend tutorials to make up a grade! No, again it is better to play the victim!

And DH is playing right into the "poor me" attitude about all the guard drama! I know she isn't being completely honest, but he will not dig deeper into it...just takes his poor princess' word for it!

Last night, SD14 got all butt hurt that I was not planning on coming to the show today. Um, sorry...I have to do our taxes so that I can file BS19's financial aid application for college...and we all know how long taxes can take! I can't afford 4 hours out of my day to go watch 5 minutes worth of show! The application has a deadline, and if the paperwork does not get in, he doesn't go to college! I also have to finish studying for a cert exam that I've been putting off for months because of her activities! The way she treats me, I don't think I should be obligated to make her guard shows top priority in my life any more! She walks around here like she is better than everyone in the house, and we are here to serve her...NOPE! I'm taking my me time...regardless of how she feels, now!

Anon2009's picture

She sounds like many teen girls. Not all teen girls are like that but others are.

She's in high school. Therefore, she'll get what she dishes out courtesy of her classmates. High schoolers can really take each other down a few pegs. Let her classmates and DH worry about her and keep disengaging from her.

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Bad thing is, DH is buying her story so much, he is actually considering using MIL's address to change SD14 to a different high school, and he will drive her to school, she will take the bus to MIL's, and he will pick her up from there after work! Seriously? She has DH believing the school is the problem...though we have put two kids through that school already with far, far less drama! Her grade is low in a class due to a 0 or two? The teacher lost her paper after she turned it in! She tells us at the last minute about stuff...all on the teacher, they didn't tell her until the last minute! Guard isn't going her way? The coach is against her! Other kids giving her the cold shoulder? It is them...never her...though she has always had a very bossy and uppity attitude toward everyone! In elementary school, the VP used to tell DH SD14 would always sit by herself at lunch because the other kids though her too bossy. My kids when everyone was younger would complain about SD14 being two bossy, and that is why they didn't want her to do anything with them (they would be playing video games together, and she would bust in and demand that they play dolls with her...daughter is 8 years older than SD14, and son is 4 years older)! DH was telling her JUST LAST WEEKEND that she needed to change her tone, because she sounds very snooty when she talks to people and he "knows she really doesn't mean to" that she "really isn't that way"!

No, he isn't going to make her sleep in the bed that she made, but will be her knight in shining armor and rescue her to another school! What happens when she has the SAME problems at that school, because the problem isn't the school, but SD14?

My4kidsmom's picture

Your husband needs a wake-up call!! Can you go privately speak to the coach and the teachers and get the real story? Also we have family locater on each of our phones to where if a kid isn't home on time or your doubting their story, you can just track the phone. It pinpoints where they are and if they are driving it tells the speed they are going, that's with verizon.
Also raising 7 kids we also availed ourselves of the over the counter drug tests at Walgreens and randomly surprised them. Look through her electronics etc. Make him face the truth and then whatever he chooses to do is up to him but at least you will have done your best to open his eyes, protect her from herself, and do the right thing .

My4kidsmom's picture

All kids try blaming others for their failures. It's the patents job to help them own and learn from their mistakes. When my SS16 didn't get an assignment done and got a bad grade he said his teacher didn't give them the information so in front of my SS I emailed his teacher and quoted what SS had said and asked for an explanation. I then read him and his dad the teachers response which showed that SS was lying. This happened about 3 times with different teachers. Now all I have to say is "So if I email your teacher , he /she will tell me that's what happened?" And we get the truth very quickly. They have to KNOW that their parents care enough to get involved and hold them accountable and to guide them into honest, hardworking, young people if character. Isn't that our main job here people whether they are bios or skids??

oneoffour's picture

My OSS told his mother and us he did not get along with his English teacher for his entire senior year because she hated him and that is why he skipped class. It had NOTHING to do with the fact that he attended 2 classes out of the entire year because he spent the first hour he should have been in school getting high with his friends. Oh no! DH nearly drank OSSs kool-aid until I pointed out according to his report card he missed every single class bar 2 for an entire year. How can you 'not get along because she hates me' with someone you hardly met!

So BM scuttled along to school and made arrangements for him to get a class change for his last 6 weeks in high school so he could get the credits he needed to graduate.

Why don't you tell DH that it sounds like he needs to go down to the school and discuss this obvious unfair treatment with the principal and all the staff members involved in the obvoius victimisation. And can we all come and watch??? }:)

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Oh, believe me...I've told him! He says he's going to email the band director or coach, and get to the bottom of stuff, but he doesn't! It's just talk talk talk! Yeah, I could try to get the information, but if he isn't going to take an active role to make sure SD14 is accountable, I'll just sit back and enjoy the show! It's about the same as that crap on MTV....lol!

It is funny...DH walked into my office while I was doing the taxes (our and BS19's). He happen to see our W-2s sitting there, and suddenly got a sick look on his face when he saw that I made considerably more than he did...yeah, he knew I made more, but didn't realize it was THAT much more! Then he noticed how much BS19 made! I think the sick look was that he finally realized why I get so mad when he buys whatever SD14 asks for...because he has realized that he is spending my money on her (joint acct) and that BS19 is providing most of his stuff himself outside of the roof over his head.

Orange County Ca's picture

Tell him that you two are dividing up household expenses according to income. I.e. if you make 70% of the income then you pay that amount into the joint account and pay bills out of it. If more money is needed you'll add your seventy percent part.

The any money not in the joint account is yours and not spent on this tiara graced princess.

Then you disengage - you stop trying to raise this girl. A link below will take you to a more complete description. Millions of girls are raised in your generation and most will turn out quite well. This one probably will also. Plus its a waste of time. Far more effective to let the world kick her in the teeth:

http://steptogether.org/help.html

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

I just wish he would stop bringing the drama to me!! I'm all comfy in my bed to wind down, DH is next to me, and calls SD14 into our bedroom to talk to her!! I've asked more than once to not so that...to get up, go to HER room, and talk to her there...my bedroom should be my sanctuary!

Has anyone else here noticed that the more you disengage, the more you get accused of not liking the step? Sorry, you can't force me to like the person she has become because of your and your ex's lack of parenting!

tired and stressed's picture

My SD20 was the same way in high school and now in college. She rotates through friends on a weekly basis, of course it was always the other person's fault. Her 1st semester freshman year in college, she had a fight with her roommate. They would barely speak and of course it was the roommates fault. The roommate then got into a sorority and SD did not (of course not she is not a nice person and I know she talked bad about people so she looked better. She is not smart enough to realize that they knew the same people and liked them.) There was so much drama, she came home every weekend and she threatened to drop out of college. She also needed a car because it was "too hard" for her to take the bus home every weekend, so her BM gave her one. For her to go back 2nd semester, she had to be moved into another dorm. Her sophomore year she is in an apartment. She is in with 5 other girls, she finally has a stable friend, at least so far, but the other roommates are always having some issue.
My husband understands that SD is "difficult" to get a long with, but can't see why we can't get a long. I find it funny that he can't see the similarities.
I would find out the "real" story and make sure he understands that it is not everyone else's issue.

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

So NOW...SD14 is apparently quitting guard! She is done with the other girls, done with the coach, etc. Of course, in my humble opinion, she should have been ripped out of guard the last time she got caught drinking and smoking pot...but that is just me. So now, she is going to talk to the band director about joining the pit in band...i.e., learning how to play the murrumba, but she supposedly really wants to move up to percussion, and play snare. Keep in mind, we are talking about someone who has never played an instrument in her life! I'm not saying that she can't do it, I'm just saying that it isn't the most likely thing that the band director will allow her to be in the band without prior years' experience with an instrument. I was pleasantly surprised that DH pointed out to her that she needs to quit jumping from one thing to another...that this has been her pattern...when things don't go exactly her way, she quits and does something else! SD14 got all defensive, and tried to say that DH was trying to tell her she had to stay in guard, and he told her that, no, he was trying to get her to realize that she needs to decide to do something and do it, and even if it doesn't go her way, she sometimes needs to learn to be a little humble and ride it out until things get better. He pointed out that if he changed jobs every single time things didn't go his way, he wouldn't even have a job, because any employer would look at his record and say he jumps around too much, and thus they would not want to hire him!

DH has an early morning install to do, so he has asked me to take SD14 to her practice tomorrow morning. I'm not happy about this at all! Especially, since she is quitting...if she is quitting, just get it over with...tell the coach to take you out of the show, as you will only be in that class period until you can get things worked out. No need to go to the practices any longer!

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Last weekend, about $200 was spent on clothing for SD14 that she claims she needed. This weekend, SD14 got a new mattress (which she did actually need), while she tried to get us to also buy her new curtains, a new lamp, and all kinds of other stuff to redecorate her room...which she was told no. Today, DH's aunt and uncle were in town, and DH's aunt wanted to go shopping to get some things for her grand children and stuff...so we took them out shopping. SD14 suddenly NEEDS boots and more clothes and, and, and. When she is told flat out that we are not buying her anything today as she just went for clothes last weekend, she pretty much throws a hissy! I pull DH aside and flat out tell him that he needs to have a talk with her...thT we have a budget, and she needs to get that through her head!

Then, on the way home...she dumps on us that band is doing a trip in June and she has to have the $100 deposit in before the end of the month!! She has had this information for two weeks now...you know...before all this other money was spent on her! So now, this $100 isn't in the budget, and she MUST go on this band trip! Note...it is not mandatory! Oh, and the total trip is going to be $300. She isn't asking if she can go, she is saying she will go! I have BS19's college deposit due, need to get him stuff for his dorm, etc...we also have two trips we need to make up to the school before summer because he is going in as a football player. Each trip is $100 in gas and $100 for a hotel (unless we stay in some dump that smells like cigarettes and mold, and you have to wonder if the sheets are really clean). No...she doesn't care about these things that are an actual need...she only cares about what she wants!!

Even worse, her birthday is in 3 weeks, and she thinks she is getting an expensive family dinner, and a sleepover with a bunch of friends and food to feed them, and some expensive gift....more importantly, she thinks she is getting an iPhone because DH has made it sound like that is what she is getting. Hope he realizes that BS19 only got a $40 video game for his birthday (and was extremely happy with it), and I'm not planning on spending anything more than that on SD14! She also gets a dinner OR a sleepover...not both...that is the way it has always been with the kids!

She's also going on and on to everyone that she is so happy she will be the only child in the house soon because BS19 is leaving for college! She thinks she is going to be the center of attention, and more money spent on her! Think again, princess!!! MY money will still be going to BS19 so he can concentrate on his studies! She has this crazy idea that most of the money that comes into this house is dear daddy's...how she is mistaken as 3/5 of the money brought into this house is earned by me, and I'm under no obligation to provide anything for her!!!

tired and stressed's picture

Do they offer fundraising for the trip? Our school had opportunities for kids to help pay for their band trips.

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Supposedly there is, but doesn't cover deposit...AND because she is not 16, and the only fundraising opportunity they are using is working college basketball games on Saturdays, she has to have a parent work with her! DH I can tell doesn't really want to do it, and he's trying to get me to do it as a "bonding thing"! Gag! No way...I already have too much stuff on my plate, and HE is the parent!

Oh, and he also wants to send her to some $300 church camp this summer on top of this band trip!

I'm seriously getting ready to separate my money out of the bank account...only covering my portion of the bills! Let him figure out how to pay for SD14 without dipping into my money! He's going to have a very hard time after his share of the bills and her actual needs! I know what he makes, and what his share is...SD14 would have nothing without my help! I don't mind helping, but when it starts getting to the point that it is just assumed that I'm okay with paying for this and that without consulting me about how it fits in the budget, and then I'm made out to be the bad guy when I put the brakes on something that DH told SD14 she would be allowed to do because the money just isn't there? Oh hell no! And then SD14's spoiled princess attitude when she is told no? Double hell no!!!

Yes...they are BOTH the problem! He is about to find out my solution if he doesn't reel her in quickly!

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Oh...no more room stuff, for sure. I'm still fighting her wanting to move into BS19's room the second he leaves for college. I have a feeling it will be a huge argument, because he thinks SD14 deserves the bigger room with the bathroom off of it. I don't think she does...she doesn't take care of the room she has now or the hallway bathroom!!! He tries to claim that her room is too small for all of her stuff! STUFF? The "stuff" he speaks of is all the clothing that is laying all over the place because she refuses to take the time to hang it up or fold it and put it away in her drawers...AND the trash that piles up because she is too stinking lazy to take her water bottles, paper, makeup wipes, fast food cups, etc. to the trash like a normal person!! BS19 is just going to college, and he will only be 6 hours away. Chances are very high that he will want to come home for certain holidays and part of summer break, and it would be really nice if he had a place to sleep while home...especially since this is still his home! He's not taking a whole lot of stuff away with him to college...he will be in a small dorm with some other football players, and will probably only have room to take clothes, blankets, and his video game system...nothing else! He deserves to keep HIS room until he actually has a place of his own that he can take all of his stuff, and by that time, SD14 better already be out of this house! Yeah...it's gonna be a war!

And the clothes and mattress...DH got a little bit of a bonus...not a whole lot. So, last weekend, he had to do sound for a memorial service for one of the folks at our church at 2:00 p.m. on Sunday. He knew that SD14 wouldn't want to sit around, and that I wouldn't want to sit around. He suggested that the two of us go to the outlet mall and SD14 can get a few things. Okay...I'm game...and I'm not the cold-hearted b***h SD14 tends to make me out to be all the time. I will have to admit...she was a little more civil that usual...but of course she was...we were buying stuff. Like another poster...DH wanted me to help SD14 pick out clothing that was more appropriate. Now, this whole time, SD14 NEVER said anything about shoes! However, when DH met up with us, she did drag him to Hot Topic and beg him for more gauges that I had previously told her no to just earlier that day...gauges that cost enough to cover a pair of boots to replace the ones she says are torn up. She was claiming she just HAD to have silicone gauges because it hurt when a flag or rifle hit her upside the side of the head in guard! That was her excuse. And she had to have different colors to go with different outfits! DH gave in, and she quit guard the very next day!

My profit share is coming up next month...and it is always a pretty good amount because of my job performance rating. I'm already making it very clear to DH that I have the money earmarked...so don't even think about coming up with something he thinks that money should be spent on, or saying that SD14 NEEDS something! I'm not paying for any band trips or church camp trips...I have things of my own that I need or want...and I have things I need to get for BS19 for school (the dorm beds are the long twins which he doesn't have sheets for, it's much colder there, so he needs good blankets, he will need to have his own towels...I am trying to make it so that he doesn't have to work while he is there, because I want him to concentrate on his education and football...football is what got him into the school so he could get the education...there will be plenty of time for work once he gets that degree).

And like I said above...SD14 can forget about any kind of big birthday presents! She has broken every electronic she has ever been given. "But I need a new phone!" No you don't! That phone is only a few months old, because any phone only lasts you a few months...and I'm not about to get that girl on a data plan on MY phone plan so she can run up my bill because she doesn't ever do what she is told!!

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

I wish she would throw a fit and go back to her mother's! Seriously!

Yeah, SD14 is going around, "I can't wait until I'm the only child in the house!" Really? She already gets more attention that BS19, so it isn't like she is really hurting all that much because he is around...oh, wait, she doesn't get 100% of the attention, because DH will do things like help BS19 put his speakers in his car or something silly like that, which she sees as taking away from HER time! Forget that BS19 is hardly ever home...between school, work, his sports (as now it is track season, and he has to practice throwing after school because he does shot put and discus), his girlfriend...the only real time he is home is during his off period of school...because he has last period off...and a few hours on the weekend...other than when he sleeps! SD14 is here by herself MOST of the time, but she CHOOSES to hibernate in her room instead of spending time with DH!

I'm sure what she is really thinking is that there will be more money to devote to her. DH tries to say that SD14 is not materialistic...HA! The fit she threw this weekend? And after she was told no, there was a pair of boots on clearance at another store that she liked...boots that would have only been like $15. Because I agreed that she could get those much less expensive boots, she put it in her mind that I was agreeing to boots that day in general, and told DH, "Let me see if there is anything I like better." She found another pair that was nearly $50, and when she was told no to those, she didn't even want the $15 boots! If she couldn't have her first choice, she wasn't getting anything!!! Hello...ever hear that beggers can't be choosy? There will be about a billion times in life that you have to settle...get used to it, princess! After that, she walked around the whole next store...wouldn't even come near me or DH...with the attitude like she doesn't ever get to get anything she wants! I wanted to rip her out of that store by her ear and smack her, and if it were my child acting like that over some boots, I would have!