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I don't day too much about DH's

Notthedoormat's picture

Oldest child, 26 yo mtf trans. They've  had a strained relationship for years because of personality clashes and polar opposite politics, but recently SK26 has been placed into a psychiatric facility due to social media posting (I'm blocked and can't see it) about sympathizing with a mass shooter. The news covered it locally and DH is taking it all very hard...  

They were estranged for about 2 years and have since worked on an amicable relationship, trying to leave sensitive subjects out of their conversations.  But SK26 never really reached out with care or concern about DH, despite DH trying, showing concern and generally just trying to be part of SK26's life.

In my opinion,  SK26 is an overgrown child, acting entitled and having extreme tantrums because of being dissatisfied with the world. But my DH is falling apart. He's functioning,  but in tears at home,  silent through dinner, angry at the situation.  I feel locked out right now and have no clue how what I'm supposed to do or how to react.

I know it's not my problem to fix, not that I could anyway, but I'm feeling very resentful of SK26 and also towards DH right now.  He's focused on the negative when there are a lot of positives in life.  

I was angry at SK26 years ago when the trans announcement was made because of the way it was done and the way immediate acceptance was demanded by SK26 with no regard for the feelings of anyone else or how this impacted the rest of the family.  I don't in the least believe that SK26 is less valuable as a person and deserves humane treatment, but SK26 was demanding what they were not willing to also give. 

I don't know what to do right now, other than sit back and watch the ship sink.


Exjuliemccoy's picture

It's so hard to watch our partners being hurt by their kids. I'm glad your skid is getting mental health support.

All you can do is focus on being a supportive wife, as you would if your DH experienced a bereavement. Keep quiet about your feelings towards skid and their behaviors, and just be there for your DH. Vent here, or to understanding friends. 


Notthedoormat's picture

I really appreciate having a place to vent.  I hate to see DH like this. He's carried a heavy heart from the beginning and has constantly worried SK26 would commit this on top of it.  Its hard to watch a strong man breaking. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I'm so sorry you and DH are having to deal with this. It must make it even more difficult when you see media reports. Would your DH benefit from therapy? That would be a place he could privately vent and maybe also get some help dealing with things. In any case, feel free to vent here and know we are with you.

Notthedoormat's picture

Years ago after SK26 came out, but he didn't feel it helped. I am going to mention giving it a try again and tell him it can't hurt to have a session and then decide.  He's a blue collar tough guy type, so I think he feels extra pressure to live upto the stereotype publicly.  He also feeling a lot of embarrassment because people from his hometown have seen the news and have sent messages asking of its his family member.  He's feeling hurt, worried,  ashamed and I'm sure lots of other things all at once.  

Usually he will talk to me, but right now he's not saying a whole lot and I try to just be there for him, not pushing him to talk, but available to listen when he does.

It's just hard....

And I'm trying to stop being selfishly upset, but tbh when this came out my life was turned upside down,  too. I stand by my husband,  but my husband was changed so much then. I think the only think I can actually do is just be here, but it feels like so little. 


simifan's picture

If he won't try therapy, how about some time in a break it or rage room? Letting out the aggression & frustration in a place that can take it might do a world of good & be something he felt more comfortable doing. 

Russell1981's picture

I have a good friend who is non-political and hates any discussion concerning politics. He had a SS that he raised who was on the autistic spectrum and he bent over backward to help him. 

Long story short. He and his wife went on a vacation and when they came back the SS21 had destroyed their house and left a note about how horrible they were as parents. He found someone online to move in with and is now transitioning mtf. 

My friend is exceptionally tolerant and would have supported him doing this, yet he had it in his mind that they were evil, and some person multiple states away convinced him to do what he did and to treat people that love and support him that way.

Some people want to be victims and you can do nothing about it. When they get this victim mentality they justify any and all behaviors. It is very hard to watch friends and loved ones go through this despite them doing everything they can to help.

Good Luck and I understand entirely the need to vent.

Notthedoormat's picture

The trans issue as 'it is what it is''s not what he would have wanted, but he's accepted it's not his life or his right to choose. But SK26 has been so full of disrespect and disregard for anyone else's feelings....pretty much behaving as if no one else has feeling about any of it.  

Early on, years ago, I urged DH to hand write a letter to SK26,  to be able to talk and express his feelings without interruption. The first and last lines of the letter were 'I love you'....but SK26, (at the time 18 or 19) texted me 'I got my dad's hate mail'....  Nothing has been good enough or accepting enough for SK26.  

SK26 did have SRS (the surgery) over a year ago and was upset that DH didn't call to check on how SK was doing....but we only knew about it from Facebook posts...SK26 didn't tell DH it was happening so DH didn't call.  

It just seems like nothing is ever enough.  My thought is that SK26 has been mortally wounded by life,  has narc tendencies and can't be pleased.  I feel like if DH's heart and bank book were served on a silver platter SK26 would bemoan that it wasn't gold.

I'm upset because I hate to see DH suffering when I know there's nothing humanly possible I can do to help. I'm just here and that's all I can contribute.  And it makes me angry that my other half is hurt so badly. 

My older DS does help fill that 'desire for a son' that DH has...he's everything he'd want in a son of his own and loves DH like a father, too...but I know it's not the same after he's been hurt by his bio kid.  

The political stuff is just wacko...we respect other people's opinions,  but when your thoughts are that people like us should be sent to re-education camps or shot...well...then we disagree,  lol. And I'm not exaggerating.  So political stuff just can't be discussed because it could get ugly and everyone has agreed that it's an off-limits topic. It stays that way for the most part.

CLove's picture

Im also sorry that your DH is going through this heartache.

My husband is also the "tough guy" type who doesnt really express his feelings very much. But every now and then he will come out with his feelings of despair when it comes to the skids, especially SD24 Feral Forger who is no contact.

It hurts to see him hurting and there is nothing I can really do except be there. Ive tried "fixing things" and it didnt work, so Im out.

Be kind to yourself and come on here - read, comment, vent/post. It really does help a bunch.

Survivingstephell's picture

Have you read the book Boundaries by Cloud?   I found it very helpful with understanding what my role was and was not in this situation with my DH.  

Rags's picture

commited die hard practitioners of Eeyore Syndrome.  Those commited to constant membership in the waiting to die club just suck the energy and zest for life out of their partners, etc...

My DW will upon occasion go into a 'woe is me' discourse. I fight hard to bite my tongue until it is time to not bite my tongue.  I have a limit on what I can and will tolerate when all around every day, yesterday, and tomorrow are predominantly positive things.  I have never had a full day that was entirely bad. Sure, there have been plenty of days that were mostly bad, but even on those days there is something that made me smile and recognize that I am dedicated to maintaining a positive zest for life.

I am blessed. I fully recognize that.

I would rather push the commited embracing of misery to a transtion point to a more positive period on more positive perspective ground.

S?-26 is living their own choices and no one has the right to force anyone else to accept anything. PERIOD DOT!  

Their idiot choices have them committed to a mental institution.  Stupid choices return stupid consequences. Being Trans is not stupid.  Blathering on social media that they support a mass murderer, that is stupid.

Losing a child to a Trans flip ihas to be tantamount to the death of the child you thought you had.  The Son/Daughter is no longer the Son/Daughter. While I would be fully supportive of a child choosing to transition, I would grieve for the loss of the original child and for damned sure I would keep my foot firmly up 'their' ass when they deviated from the standards of behavior and performance I raised them with.  Supporting them unconditionally and loving them unconditionally does not include unconditional acceptance of shit behavior (supporting a mass murderer), being a documented dipshit on social media, or trying to force anyone else to accept something wholesale without giving them the respect to let them grieve and adjust to the  transition.

Just my thoughts of course.