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Update (break through?)

Notthedoormat's picture

In my last post I talked about the possibility of oldest Skidult moving to live with us.  Well, last night DH and I were sitting together and I asked if he'd heard from the skids. He said no, he hadn't and announced that he wasn't calling their mom to check on them, either.  Before I even gave it a thought I said "You shouldn't have to, their adults."  He agreed with me! 

He went on to ask me if I've noticed they only contact him when they want something from him. I nodded and said "yes, and I don't like it."  I stopped there because I didn't want to regret saying too much and I think he just needs to marinate in this realization for a bit. 

Hopefully he doesn't forget how he's feeling now when one of them does contact him again because he truly doesn't deserve to be hurt over and over.

He says he thinks oldest skidult changes their mind about coming to stay with us and I'm not heartbroken about it because I feel like it would have done more harm than good to their relationship, too. They are polar opposite of one another in too many ways to make life under the same roof comfortable for anyone. I'm grateful we won't have to confirm that the hard way.

Notthedoormat's picture

I really hope so!  It was absolutely thrilling to hear him say he wasn't calling BM!

BobbyDazzler's picture

Hopefully, he'll approach his relationships with skids with wide-opened eyes going forward.  Realities about our kids can be hard to accept at times. 

Merry's picture

Those introspective moments are few and far between. I hope that inner voice of his grows in volume.

Notthedoormat's picture

One of them would have him looped back in, so as much as I hope, I won't hold my breath. But it's another step forward and hopefully he keeps in mind how this story goes. It's no fairy tale.

Noway2b1's picture

Mine realizes this too, yet very easily gets roped back into paying for something. He's his own worst enemy in that way because they know all they've got to do is call for "advice" and he's offering a financial solution. 

Stepdrama2020's picture

Dh is seeing things clearer.

BUT dont get too excited 90% of these Disney dads get roped in again and again.

For now though celebrate the victory.


Notthedoormat's picture

This weekend about how neither has called but says he isn't calling them or BM. For now he's holding strong,  but we'll see how long it lasts. I suspect this pattern will continue until he learns for himself and that may never happen.  But they are his kids, so I get it. I just hope he develops adult expectations from them, too. 

ESMOD's picture

Phones work both ways though... I get he doesn't want to be treated like an ATM.. but there is nothing stopping him from picking up the phone.. or occasionally shooting his kids a text.. ask how they are doing.. any new stuff in their lives.

Kids can be very self centric.. and it can take a while before they realize their parents are individuals.. and have lives of their own.. lol

Like my OSD who has some resentment because she somehow has an idea of what grandparents are supposed to "be"..and we don't fit the bill.. 

Notthedoormat's picture

I actually told him last night that he could call or text them....but he's being stubborn about it and says he's waiting to see how long it takes them. 

Hell could freeze over for oldest is very sporadic and usually centers around skids needs. Not too different with SD22, actually.  She might keep up thr facade more, but I strongly suspect this is at BM's urging. She calls more when she's at BM's house, but slacker sil is out of jail now so she's got her head up his butt and oblivious to anyone else. Until she needs something- she'll reach out then.

Merry's picture

SS and SD were "punishing" DH for not doing what they demanded and stopped phone contact. I'd never seen DH upset with his kids before and he wasn't making excuses for them this time. After no contact for about a month (at the time SD had been calling/texting multiple times a day), DH was really upset. I suggested he be the first to contact them. I think part of his reluctance to contact them was my perception that he jumped to their commands. Which he acknowledges he did. I wanted no part of any blame in any direction (although the skids did blame me for not "allowing" DH to jump to their demands.

But somebody had to break the stalemate and DH did text and they eventually started talking again. But that's when we learned that SS doesn't respond to texts of any kind, ever. That included when I contacted him when DH was in the hospital, ICU, with a breathing tube.

But they llluuuuuuuv their father are are ssssoooooooooo close. I just don't get it.

Notthedoormat's picture

1st one was from Skidult26,  saying he/she was going to apply for jobs in our area. This was after a week of radio silence after DH extended an invitation to stay with and look for a job. I was miffed that I wasn't consulted 1st, but I understand, also.  It's his kid and he has a lot of guilt from the past.  Shortly after that,  SD didn't want to miss out on any fatherly attention so she also started messaging.  I basically ignored both.  I'm better off doing that at this point.

Rags's picture

before telling them they can come live in a home that is shared with a spouse?



I don't tell friends they can visit without talking to my wife. She does not tell her family that they can come visit without talking to me first.

IMHO this should result in an instant... NO! The inconsiderate spouse can then go inform their spawn that because the prior breeder did not use their head, the SKids are not welcome.

Lather.... rinse.... repeat.

Not applying firm consequences just feeds the idiot behaviors.

Missingme's picture

They come to hard realizations, but can't stop themselves because of habit, guilt and unhealthy love. It will be a never ending cycle. We do get reprieves here and there from DH debasement and that's something to be thankful for.