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As if I haven't had enough lately

Notthedoormat's picture

DH sprang something else on me.

Oldest skid26 (m to f trans) that was actually estranged from DH several years ago for about 2 years, may relocate to live with us for a bit.

Skidult26 has some issues and lost a job (literally lost it within days of getting the position) because of a social media post made a while back that talked about sympathizing with the Nashville mass un-aliver. Well, because of the job loss, DH offered to have Skidult26 come live with us and look for a job in our area.  On one hand, I'm a little offended that we didn't discuss it first,  though, but if my adult bio was having a hard time, I'd expect the same offer could be made.

I did tell DH that skidult's multiple pets weren't welcome because skidult doesn't care for them properly and I am not doing it nor am I having my home damaged by them. We've seen skidult leave BM's home for extended periods of time and expect BM to do pet care, leaving animals to destroy their room and that's not happening at my house.  DH agreed with me on that.

Skidult26 does have an undergrad degree and should be able to find a job here that pays well enough to move out to an apartment within 4-5 months IF skidult saves money.  I don't know much about skidult's money management skills, but they seem to have a good work ethic, and is intelligent (though lacking a bit in common sense).

We live in a fairly big city, so there will be a big adjustment for skidult,  as they are very much used to being in a small town and doesn't have a lot of driving experience,  so that will be a challenge.  

I'm ok with giving skidult a chance,  but it will be tough for me, but it will still be hard and I'm not feeling super secure in my marriage,  so that plays a part, too.

My bottom line is that I don't want to be a b!tch or a pushover. I keep looking for happy middle ground,  but dang if it's not hard to find....

JRI's picture

We've had the same thing over the years (we're 78 and 86).  Of the 5 kids in our blended family, 4 have had to move back for various periods due to poor judgment, divorce, homelessness, moving transition, hurricanes, medical issues -you name it, we've seen it.  At least your skid isn't moving back with a spouse and kids.

I agree with you about the pets.  Some notes I jotted down during an angry period with one of them: no smoking, no drugs, clean own bathroom, keep bedroom clean, no friends overnite, don't block the driveway.  Can't remember the rest.  Lol.

Notthedoormat's picture

Are going to have to give some basic ground rules for living in our house as an adult.  Definitely keeping bedroom and bathroom clean, no blocking the driveway,  no overnight guests (we may say no guests period,  since we are private people and there are plenty of public places to see friends in the area) and the like. We aren't like BM where apparently anything goes and there's a lot of enabling.  That's just not the kind of people we are in general,  though DH does in fact enable his SD via doing things for her kids.

Hopefully the house rules are an incentive for skidult to get it together,  save money and find their own place, if they do in fact like our area enough to stay here.

JRI's picture

Silly me, I thought my "rules" would be self-evident to everyone as common courtesy.  Wrong.  If I had it to do over, I would have settled on some rules, had them printed on cards, had them laminated and handed them out as people moved in.  Hindsight....

la_dulce_vida's picture

The best way to get SKID out of the house is to charge rent and save it. After 6 months of work, give them what is saved to be used for security deposit and first month's rent to their new apartment.

Survivingstephell's picture

Can you pick up a small camper for him to live in , parked in the driveway?  Make him as uncomfortable as hell so he gets out quickly.  Collect rent from him and save it so he has that down payment and first month's rent.  Make it so he has no excuses,  sign a contract so you can boot him out.  This has potential nightmare written all over it. 

Notthedoormat's picture

And saving it towards a deposit is a great idea, but our HOA wouldn't allow a camper. I definitely don't want it to feel like a hotel with all the amenities, so it will have to be at lead a little uncomfortable after a point to make sure we keep things moving along!

I definitely see the potential for disaster,  but its one of those things where if I flat out disagreed upfront DH wouldn't's like he has to see it himself.  And as a dad I know he wants to help his kid out when there's a difficult situation and I understand that. He also feels guilty for not being there for his kids as much as he would have liked, but his work travel and circumstances made it hard, from what I understand.  

I haven't had a lot of one on one time with skidult, as he just graduated high school and went into college when DH and I got together,  but I can say there have been a lot of inappropriate comments made (at like 22 or 23 this person thought it was a good idea to tell me when they were conceived when DH and I took them out for pizza when we went to visit) it could get interesting.  On the other hand,  this skidult seems to genuinely want to be independent,  so this might be just the helping hand needed to fully launch into being a functioning adult. 

la_dulce_vida's picture

Look up Rag's burning platform.

The SKID must get up and leave the house each day when the two homeowner's go to work. No access to the house (no key) and no Internet. Wifi can be found at the library or local cafe. They do not get to lay around in your house, not looking for a job.

Noway2b1's picture

2023.... it wasn't so much him as it was DH driving me crazy. As I've said before there's something about YSS and DHs guilt that makes them very enmeshed when he's here. It's like YSS reverts to 16 and DH loves it. 

Notthedoormat's picture

All the kids to be responsible and independent, but he stopped short with SD in telling her how it is. I think he will be different with skidult26 because there aren't grands in the mix that could be used against him if he makes someone mad. I think the hard part will be getting skidult to be realistic about money management, savings,  and real-life expectations.

I think skidult could get too comfortable living with us, too, and I don't want that because DH and I both work full-time and I have a preteen bio still at home as well that I am trying to teach responsibility to, so our plates are kinda full already. 

I definitely won't be doing Skidult's cleaning,  laundry or anything like that and if it's not kept up with, DH will have to step in and have a conversation with skidult.  If that doesn't work, then I'll say something myself,  but hopefully it won't come to that.  Hopefully. 

la_dulce_vida's picture

Skid should have a job lined up BEFORE moving in. It can be done. Most interviews are done over the phone or by zoom these days.

If they do not have an updated resume and aren't submitting applications actively, NO MOVING IN.

How about skid "comes to VISIT" to find a job, first. They can ONLY MOVE IN once they have a job and they have 6 months to move out on their own.

Notthedoormat's picture

I think I will suggest skid update and polish resume, apply and go from there, hopefully with zoom or phone interview,  but could come visit for interview and move once a job is secured! Love it!!!

Rumplestiltskin's picture

What would your DH say if you told him you think he should have discussed this with you first? By arranging this without you, is he consenting to have an open-door policy for your kids too? 

Notthedoormat's picture

And honestly,  I don't think he would hesitate if it were one of my kids, so that makes me more willing to try it, but I have to insist on house rules because this skid is used to a BM that would do everything except wipe their a$$. I don't have time for that and skid is going to have to figure out how to adult.  

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I used to think that about my SO. But - he was that way back when my kids didn't have any serious problems. When they had near-perfect behavior and needed little, he was always keen to show how he would help them with anything. My daughter has had a rough year, with some behavior problems, and suddenly he's wanting to postpone moving in together (which i'm totally fine with btw.) Have your kids ever had any serious issues? Has your DH ever had to really step up, or do you handle things with your kids? 

Notthedoormat's picture

But before we were married, I told him I didn't have a problem with him calling out my kids for unacceptable behavior or something they did/didn't do, as long as he was comfortable with it. And he had told them to clean up a mess or had whatever discussion as needed. He has been there for them through good and bad, tbh.

My DD went through a couple of very rough patches and DH was very supportive of me and he stepped in and back as needed because DD's bio dad was doing a great job with co-parenting and it was well managed all around,  but DH did a great job. He is tougher on YS12 because his biodad isn't a solid disciplinarian and honestly doesn't care as long as he's not in his hair. DH steps up and fills in the gap and I appreciate him for it. I have to give him credit. 

My ODS had a rough patch, too, but ODS was in the right, though he faced an issue with his school (long story, but in short he made a social media post with a picture at a shooting range - something our family enjoys doing together and a student reported it , saying it made them uncomfortable)...but DH was extremely supportive and encouraging to ODS through it (resolved fairly quickly because it was clearly evident ODS hadn't done anything wrong, but he still had a short check list of things his school wanted him to do, including sessions with school psychologist. And DH travels across the country to visit ODS for military honors award ceremonies, training graduations, and just to spend a day or 2 visiting. 

I think it's easier for DH to be more involved with my kids because he had lived with them-- and I've never spent more than 10 days at a time with either of his kids because they live in another state. 

My kids haven't had any major issues, but they have needed help and he's been there. But because his kids have grown up in situations that enabled them and thr enabling had continued into adulthood,  I don't want them to think that will fly at my house, because it won't.  I'm ok with giving a hand up to help someone,  but not supporting able-bodied adults that don't want to figure it out. Does that make sense?

Rumplestiltskin's picture

That makes sense. It's good that your DH has stepped up to be there for your kids. Idk if it's wrong or transactional to think this way but it doesn't seem as bad (putting up with bullshite) if, baggage-wise, things are somewhat balanced. As long as you know what your deal-breakers are, and make it known to your husband before they come up, it should prevent you from trying to tolerate the intolerable, leading to resentment. 

Harry's picture

Before inviting SK is just disrespectful.  That would be my number one issue.  This must not happen.  SECOND,

inviting SK with out rules is not a good move. .  Is he going to pay rent. Where food is included because he going to eat your food. And raise your food cost by one third.  DH now is required to do the majority of the house work . Since SK will be messing up the place, So you need exter house cleaning. 

Notthedoormat's picture

And not to excuse it totally,  but I do think he would be fine if it were one of my kids in this situation.  I've given it a lot of thought and he's always gone above and beyond to help my kids,  so I think that's where his thought process was when he made the offer. But I was quick to insist skids dogs can't come. We are animal lovers and have a big dog in our home,  but skid usually leaves care of their dogs to BM and I'm not doing that. The dogs aren't trained and I just don't want to deal with it.

I think it would be reasonable for us to expect a small payment to count towards utilities (maybe $50 a month) and we would waive that for the 1st month because I'm sure skid is broke. 

As for food,  I cook almost every night and there are usually leftovers,  so I'm not too worried about that,  but I think we should tell skid a weekly contribution to groceries or buying their own food is reasonable.  Especially since skid guzzles soda. Skid can provide that on their own.

There are definitely details we have to hammer out. I think 5-6 months should be the time frame for moving into an apartment,  though.  It can't be a permanent situation. 

StepUltimate's picture

Four months at at least $700/month rent, and save that to give back to them when they move out. Put it all in writing, have skidult sign, and post on the fridge with magnets.

Clarity & boundaries are your friends.

Your hubby not consulting you is a huge betrayal. 

Notthedoormat's picture

And that way skid doesn't have an excuse to not move out...there will be a nice little nest egg for a start!


Winterglow's picture

If your husband baulks at the sum, remind him that the point is to get his son ready for the outside world, not to enable him to mooch.

Notthedoormat's picture

Yes!!!!  We definitely don't want mooching adults feeling entitled to what we work for. 

Cover1W's picture

I say this over and over - put an actual lease into effect!  This defines all terms and expectations in a formal document!  It's easy to find a basic template on line.  They are an adult. This also gives them a rental history. It also gives you grounds to move them out if they don't adhere to it.

If your spouse disagrees you've got bigger problems and expect them to stay a room-mate for a long time (based on stories here).

BobbyDazzler's picture

As others have mentioned, I'd be WAY more bent out of shape due to the fact that DH gave permission before speaking with you. I don't know anything about this ss other than what you say here, but my worry (sounds like he doesn't do adulting very well) would be he won't be too anxious to leave.  I love the idea of a lease, however, if he doesn't pay rent or adhere to the lease, is your DH going to make SS leave?  Probably not.  These are always tough situations.  You absolutely have to set some boundaries and both this SS and your DH will have to respect them.  Otherwise, its a recipe for disaster and failure.

KC is not the stepmother's picture

I'd be more concerned with their social media post in support of the Nashville incident, that got them fired in the first place. These were children, yes? Wouldn't be welcome in my home, no how, no way.