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SD16 pre-failure to launch

DarkStar's picture

SD16 has always been the most “normal” one out of the 3 skids (SD21, SD16, SS15). SD21 was diagnosed ODD as a kid and she was a HANDFUL. She was the main reason I wouldn’t cohabitate with FDH and waited until she launched. I can tolerate SD21 in small doses, she has gotten much better as she grew up.
SS15 is high-functioning autistic. He has been doing much better in school and at home recently.

I was hoping that the pouty, morose, lazy, slug teenagery thing with SD16 was just a phase, but now…….there is a very REAL possibility of failing to launch. Therefore, evil SM has to get involved! If nothing else, to make sure she is OUT of the house or in school/trade after high school.

A little over a year ago, we find out that SD16 is “almost 100% sure she is transgender”. Now, this is NOT a forum on LGBT issues, any such comments will be deleted. FDH and I are open people and we have friendships and family members that are LGBT and we have been nothing but kind, loving and supportive. SD16 knows this, and I’ve warned her not to try that “she’s not accepted at home” crap just because we aren’t going along with this.
We are almost 100% sure that she is NOT transgender. Up until a couple of years ago, SD16 was the girliest girl and genuinely a happy person. She loved dresses and high-heels, makeup, hair dos, Barbies and pink cowgirl boots, the whole bit. Then last spring, the school contacts FDH about something innocuous and says “Aaron” blah blah blah. FDH says “are you sure you have the right student? My daughter is SD16.” School says, “Oh, well, that’s the name she wants to be called”
FDH texts SD16 and she responds with being almost 100% sure she’s trans. She refuses to go to counseling, refuses to talk about it. I told her that being uncertain of who you are, not wanting to wear dresses or skirts or wear makeup doesn’t mean she’s trans. Also, being a lazy SLUG doesn’t mean your trans either. She should be concentrating on school and her activities, get a frickin drivers license already, and start thinking about her plans after high school. For crying out loud, she still carries her binky and sucks her thumb around the house. She is very immature for her age and sure as shit not mentally/emotionally capable of making such a huge life decision suddenly……….OH! I’m a boy!!!

I totally blame society, social media, and yes, even the schools. All this LGBT stuff is very IN YOUR FACE all the time and it’s “cool” to be bi/trans/neutral or whatever the phrase of the day is. She belonged to an LGBT club at school and she’s not even mature enough to tell us or say the name of the club EVER. It’s just “club” day. We found out about it and just shrugged. I think she was disappointed that we didn’t fuss about it. Can’t complain to the “club” about your bigoted parents when, well, they’re NOT.
It’s sad when gay rights have FINALLY been won in many places and the hearts and minds of society are slowing getting there, too, and then it just blows up as another trend. Again, before the naysayers start chiming in, I have gay friends that HATE this “trendy” thing, too. Just a bunch of wannabe snowflakes starving for attention.

On top of it……she is flunking FOUR courses. She still has her electronics, access to Daddy Taxi, and still has her activities. That’s a whole ‘nother topic. I’m pissed as hell at FDH with how he is handling this. She got one F up to a B by turning in her homework. Claims she’s bringing up the others, too, but we will find out soon enough. She did ZERO studying over break for finals and ZERO studying over the weekend. We had early out last week for snow and one of her tests was rescheduled for today. Study? NOPE.
So, I’m all up in this business now. And suddenly FDH is all back-peddling about our rules about kids living in the house after high school…… Go to school or a trade full-time AND work part-time or out the door you go. Oh no. Now it’s all “she might need a couple of years to figure things out”. Oh HELL NO. So we argued about it and now I’m all up in SD16s bizness now. Told her if she wants to straighten out and get her head back into school, I will fade into the background. Until then, get used to me being your shadow.

If you’ve read this novel, I thank you. My head is exploding over this crap.


advice.only2's picture

Yes it's all up in their faces and now any time a kid has a problem they are suddenly something they think nobody will understand.

BD is going through this whole I'm bisexual...okay whatever, you're 13 but sure. When that didn't garner the attention she changed it to "I'm a lesbian" okay no big deal you will love who you love, but again you are only 13 stop concentrating on labels and just be you.

There were a few weeks where she started pushing the "gender" boundaries with wanting to buy boys clothes and cut her hair super short and I told her I am completely fine with whatever she wants to do, but until she is 18 she cannot claim she is a boy and wants to become a boy, I'm not entertaining that just because she wasn't getting the attention she wanted over being bisexual or a lesbain.

She stopped that and just went back to claiming she is a lesbian. I told her that's fine, but now sleep overs will need to stop since we woulnd't allow her to sleep with a boy at this age, I certainly can't let her sleep with a girl she might have feelings about at this age...suddenly the whole lesbain talk is on hold and she's upset why she can't have her friends over.

I think kids who truly are transgender for the most part are struggling in silnece because they are so damn scared about not understanding why they don't feel the way they should.

Cover1W's picture

Exactly like OSD16, started on the bisexual thing when she was 14 and she's militant (at least from our trip this last April - she was bashing anyone who wasn't bi/gay/trans/etc...and we all called her out on it) about it.  It's so cool to be different and buck the establishment.  At least for her.  While I have many friends who are LGBTQ, I don't buy it from her.  I think it's a front.  And if it's not, I don't care.  Bascially I told DH I don't care WHAT she is or WHO she sleeps with but so long as she's a b!tch I couldn't care less.

DarkStar's picture

And from what I've read and seen, transgenders knew from a very early age, like toddlerhood, that something was off with themselves and have struggled their WHOLE lives with feeling this way.  It also makes me angry, that she is claiming to be trans and being all trendy about it when others are suffering and truly dealing with this.

We don't care about the short hair or the boy clothes or wearing sports bras to flatten her chest, but FDH drew the line at the "Aaron" name.  He stated that she is a child, a minor under his care and supervision, and she will use the name she was given at birth as long as she lives under our household.  Sounds absolutely fair to me.  Fast forward a couple of months and we were attending one of her band concerts.  We look at the program, and there, under the clarinet section...."Aaron Smith"  Oh, FDH was pissed!!!!  As was I.  FDH pulled her out of "club" after that and made it very clear that she was being pulled for not doing as she was told, not anything related to or about the club itself.

futurobrillante99's picture

I thought my daughter was claiming to be bisexual just to get a rise out of me because I know that a lot of straight girls like to get attention from boys by being "bi." However, she actually dates women as well as men, so I guess she's legit. LOL

Anway, I think she was really shocked that I was fine with it and told her all I care about is that whomever she's with respects her and thinks she's as awesome as I think she is.

In high school, she tried to get a rise out of me by dating black and mixed guys. I don't think she was too happy when I said that's great and that I would love to have mixed grand children (I'm not kidding, btw).

I am not sure if I'll have bio grandchildren, but I told all my kids that if they adopt, those children will be my grandchildren nonetheless. They will be adored and spoiled. I digress.

It's hilarious that stuff kids will do to get attention or shock their parents!! LOL

missginger's picture

Ahhh remember the good old days when all the did was dress goth for a couple years...

Iamwoman's picture

Hey Darkstar, you just moved in with FDH in 2018, so maybe it's time to move back out in 2020?

Im not saying leave him. You have mentioned plenty of times how wonderful he is and how happy you are with him. That is important.

However, perhaps you can still get married, but live apart until he finishes and launches SD.

This would give you a place of your own, away from the craziness, and it just might motivate FDH to do some hard parenting in order to g et his child to launch so that he can finally live with YOU. I am getting the feeling that your FDH thinks he already has you "in the bag" since you are living together. He has everything he wants: his kids and you all in the same home.

You will need to draw some hard lines in order to force FDH to start drawing hard lines with skids.

If it backfires, and he decides he would rather spend the rest of his life with an attention seeking failure-to-launch kid, then he really will have done you a huge favor.

DarkStar's picture

Considering we're getting married in June, I think I'm going to stick it out.  *acute*

I've made my position VERY CLEAR and he is now backpeddling on his backpeddling.....last night he insisted he did NOT say "a couple of years".  He is a history revisionist and it drives me batty.  I told him the big reason why I was freaking out is because he said "a couple of years".  I am hoping that my stylish pointy boots lodged up SD16's hiney will motivate her to get the grades up and make plans for her future.....if nothing else then to get me off her back.  If not, I have many ways of making life uncomfortable for others while staying in my home and relationship.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

She turns 15 next month.  So I live in a college town that is very liberal and has a very big open LBGTQ community.  My SD20 came out as a lesbian in the 9th grade and she has a boyfriend now.  I took SD18 to Halloween Horror Nights one time and she brought a girl and they were holding hands the entire time but as we all know she just spent six months in a relationship with a male felon.  So in the 8th grade my DD joined GSA, Gay Straight Alliance at school.  All of her friends came out as a gay and I mean all of them, boys and girls.  DD hads a boyfriend in the 8th grade but this year she has come out to me as a lesbian.  I don't care if she is or she isn't.  I love her either way and I'm supportive but in my mind, I'm not buying it.  Every day I pick her up from school and she's talking to some boy and batting her eyes, and twirling her hair and flirting.  She does it all the time.  I've never seen her like a girl.  She'll get in fights with her friends who are boys and I'll say, "What is going on?"  And she'll say Carson is mad that I went to the movies with Sam.  And I'll say, "I thought Carson said he was gay?"  "Well he is but he likes me."  All the time this is going on.  So now her best friend is Ash. Ash was Ashley, the girl down the street, but is now transgender and considers herself a boy.  So they always want to have sleepovers.  I asked DD what gender Ash likes and she says Ash likes boys and considers himself a homosexual even though Ash is biologically a girl.  So I allowed the sleepover and then I spot DD and Ash holding hands on a walk outside and she says, "They are just friends who hold hands."  But you can see how hard this is for me navigate and make the right decision on who can sleepover at whose  house.  We all went out for sushi two nights ago and Ash came along and I'm listening to Ash and DD talk in the backseat about all the hundreds of trans people at their school and how some aren't even trying to look like the gender they identify with.  IT's not that big of a school and that's disproportionate for how rare being trans is.  I don't tell DD this but in my mind I honestly think my daughter has grown up very privelaged and has had a nice life and she wants desparately to be in some kind of fringe outsider group that is discriminated again so she has some kind of battle or fight and so do her friends and so this is what they've picked.  All  of her friends are pan or asexual or trans or gay or bi but none of them whatsoever call themselves straight.  My coworkers who have teen daughters the same age say the exact same thing but my coworker's lesbian daughter now has a boyfriend at 16.  A lot of people that have kids in this age group are telling me that they are going through the same thing.  But this is me, "Do I let my 'lesbian" daughter have a sleepover with her trans friend who is biologically a girl and looks like a girl but likes boys?"  That's the only real reason I care because it's hard to navigate these kinda things.  But maybe your SD is doing the same thing.  She's trying on identities  .  My own DD seemed disappointed that I wasn't mad but was supportive when she came out.          

GrabitAndGo's picture

Quite frankly, I think this whole trans thing is a fad for teenagers.  It's trendy to be trans.  I have no doubt transgnder is a real thing, but it seems like teens these days are quick to don the lable.