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Don’t really know how to feel, SS coming back

Chelsearg's picture

SS16 cut DH off after DH tried to have a calm conversation with him about his poor behaviour, wagging school and some serious lies he was telling. DH continued to try and contact SS but SS would not answer him at all so DH told him he's always welcome here and to contact him when he's ready. After this SS and BM made up all sorts of tales and it caused some pretty serious family drama. 
Anyhow SS and DH have not spoken in about 2 years and while I feel bad for DH, SS and his sibling here it's actually been incredibly peaceful. For over a decade we had SS almost every weekend and every single visit we would be abused by BM or she would withold SS or refuse to stick to the pick ups etc, SS was mostly a well behaved child but when he wanted to misbehave He sure could do it well and his brother was often the target. We haven't had to deal with that for 2 years and to be honest it's actually been nice not having the stress. Our marriage and home life has been the best it's ever been! DS has been so settled no longer wondering if and when he will see his brother and what mood he will be in. 
MIL has taken it upon herself to try "fix" the relationship between DH and SS, I think she's decided to do this because we are moving and she might think this will stop us going. SS is still lying to her saying he's tried to reach out to DH but that DH has blocked him which isn't true and that DH cut SS off when it was actually SS who cut contact with DH. DH doesn't want anyone interfering in it/ trying to fix it because it's not that simple of a situation and it's no one's business but he won't say anything to MIL. 
I don't know how to feel about the whole situation, of course I would love SS to be around again but at the same time his behaviour hasn't changed, he's still lying, DH is now getting abusive messages again from BMs older kids now that MIL is making contact with them. I'm scared I'm going to loose the peace that we have found and our marriage is going to go back to being strained and the gates of abuse from BM and co will open up, that our child will again be a target of his brothers careless behaviour. 

I told DH how I feel and he said it will never go back to being like that but I know for a fact he's going to tread on eggshells and allow so many of those behaviours to happen again in fear he will lose his son again. 

I feel so scared to be honest. And it's all made me realise even more how toxic the entire situation has been for over a decade!!

Survivingstephell's picture

You are moving for sure? What makes MIL think she can stop you?   Men are never very good at putting their mother in their  place.   You story is similar to mine.  OSS was a brat, wouldn't follow our rules and had a choice to make.  The peace that came after was astounding.  His negative energy was so huge and I didn't realize how huge until he stopped coming over.  I understand your dread.   DH can see SS outside of the home only.  He needs to make amends and show contrition and apologize before he's allowed back into your home.  Those things are practically impossible for a skid to do so that's how you keep the peace in your home.  

Chelsearg's picture

Definitely moving. MIL doesn't want us to go. 
Good thinking but I'm not sure if I even have the power to stop him from coming over. 
Honestly I feel bad saying it but the level of peace has been amazing.

Yesterdays's picture

You have every right to insist upon the conditions that Survingstephell has outlined. To allow him back without those changes should not be tolerated. It's a baseline of respect. If those conditions don't occur then nothing has changed. SS needs to make amends and apologize and show changed behavior. I would not allow him back without it.

JRI's picture

Forgive me if I'm not understanding correctly.  Is SS making contact only at MIL's instigation?  Or do you think he's doing it somewhat on his own?

Chelsearg's picture

MIL is telling SS to contact Hubby SS hasn't instigated it at all. SS told MIL he did try but we blocked him. Hubby had tried many times to contact him with no reply's and he is not blocked and has never been blocked. 

JRI's picture

He doesn't sound like he wants to come over so I wouldnt worry much (easy to say).   He's just saying whatever to get grandma off his back.

ndc's picture

So is SS an adult now? Is he still in school? Would he be living with you full time? It sounds like SS isn't really interested and this is all MIL's doing, but just in case I'd be setting very firm boundaries and behavioral expectations with DH.

CLove's picture

Reading your past blogs, SS sounds like a sociopath, and you are much better off. Husband can have his relationship with a$$hole spawn somewhere else or whatever, but I hope SS NEVER darkens your door again. And I hope that you someday will smack MIL with all the facts of SS sociopathic behavior.

Ispofacto's picture

DH needs to tell MIL that she doesn't know the facts and she should butt out. Tell her once, and if she ignores his wishes, he should block her.


Russell1981's picture

If your MIL continues your DH will eventually resent her for putting him into an unwinnable situation. The WORST thing you can do is re-engage someone who is unrepentant. I have seen this in every facet of life and it never works out. 

Repentance takes one, Forgiveness takes one, but Reconciliation takes Both. You cannot reconcile with someone who has done terrible things and refuses to acknowledge them. You are putting yourself in a dangerous situation. 

Keep that child out of your life.

Please be safe.

Blackpinkinyourarea's picture

He cut off contact with his child when he was 14 yrs old because he was not behaving well, as all kids are bound to do. You even said he was a generally well-behaved child.

So when kids misbehave, they get banned from their parent's home?

If your child misbehaves, you're gonna tell him not to enter your house unless he behaves again?

This is nuts.

You and your husband deserve peace. Even a child deserves a peaceful, stable home,  I don;t think your SS got that though. So maybe if your DH wanted peace, he should have protected his son and acted like a father, not told his underaged  son not to come back unless he changes his behavior. it's the parents job to help their kids modify behavior, not treat them like visitors that they can just get rid of once things get too rough. What kind of parenting is that?

And MIL may be meddlesome but probably it breaks her heart to see her son turn his back on his minor son. And it also depends on what your husband told MIL too.


Ispofacto's picture

I guess you missed the part where:

SS16 cut DH off after DH tried to have a calm conversation with him


Blackpinkinyourarea's picture

earlier this year his behaviour and disrespect got so much worse that DH told him to “grow up and don’t bother coming back until your behaviour changes”.

This is how it started. He gave his own underaged child an ultimatum like that, and now he wants to have a "calm conversation" with the child that he basically kicked out of the home. Maybe he should have had the calm conversation beforehand, instead of throwing ultimatums. Ofc now the child, being 16  (actually 14 at the time all this went down) is being far from agreeable. Did he expect that the child would magicaly change for the better on his own? It was his responsibility to nurture and guide the child to behave better! This is so messed up.

Also, imp to note:

MIL asked why SS and him stopped talking and DH said “oh I just stopped trying because he never answered blah blah” when actually it’s because he was constantly lying, being disrespectful and he would only speak to his dad if he wanted something.

So per op, they stopped talking because of the misbehavior. However, that's not what her DH told MIL when she asked. So looks like OP's adult DH lies too, after all or at least, has a different version of events than OP..Actually looks like everyone has a different version of how things went down and how things are.


Survivingstephell's picture

If you click on the OP name it will lead you back to any blogs they have so you can read the backstory.  Not everyone does it this way but this particular poster has blogs.  

CLove's picture

The SS is physically abusive and caused his younger sibling to have brain damage. In two separate incidences.

* He told them that we always say it’s his fault DS has a brain injury from him pushing him off the tramp and says that we make him cry about it. You know what we never have once even mentioned that incident to him, even when it happened he never got in trouble!!!! That hurts that he’s trying to get sympathy off our sons accident that he caused! Yes he did cause it but we have never ever spoken to him about it! 

** physically hurting his younger brother including holding him under the water at the pool to the point our son was sick for 2 days!