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I’m filled with rage, advice on how I go about this please

Chelsearg's picture

Long story short we haven't spoken with SS16 in 2 years I have posted about this previously. 
SIL and BM became best buds and caused a huge relationship blow up in the family and basically ruined SS and DH relationship and now DH has a strained relationship with the rest of the family because no one wants to call SIL out on what she has done and is still doing because "she will cut us off" is there excuse. He has no relationship at all with SIL anymore and actually hates her. 

As a result of the strained family dynamic our son doesn't have a great relationship with the family. MIL barely speaks to DS or visits and wouldn't even let DS see them if SIL was over because she said DS isn't allowed anywhere near SIL kids because he's our child.... 

I have nothing to do with my family at all they are all involved in drugs in one way or another and I refuse to be part of that whole situation but we wish each other well on Christmas birthdays etc and leave it at that. 
 

aside from friends we class as family DS Basically only has my FIL who is off on his own with his new wife as actual family and I have been so happy that they have a good relationship albeit we live far apart so visits are limited but they talk on the phone a lot. Recently FIL visited and word got back to the family and now BM has contacted FIL asking if SS can talk to him and visit him. BM has always hated FIL and had nothing to do with him. She's messaging him claiming DH cut SS off when in fact it was SS and BM who cut DH off. She's playing this big victim spinning lies and all this other stuff and it makes me wild. She will only be making contact with him because word got back he came and seen us and it's her way of getting involved and causing trouble. 
I'm so upset over this because FIL was the only family DS really has and while I understand FIL is both kids grandfather SS Has the rest of the family and DS has no one else! 
And if they are going to reach out to anyone surely SS would atleast open contact for his brother or dad not some grandparent he doesn't really know. 
I tried talking to hubby about this and he was just like nothing will change and he's both kids grandfather and nothing he can do about it. 
Am I being unreasonable in my thoughts? How do I move forward with this and make DH understand what I'm saying? 

Chelsearg's picture

Reading back on this I sound really selfish and petty but honestly every relationship in the family has been tainted by the whole situation that went down and this was the only good relationship we had for DS with a family member and I feel like it's now going to get tainted and DS will just get shoved on the back burner or pushed away yet again. 
DH thinks FIL won't let that happen but hey we never thought we would be in this situation we are in with the rest of the family did we MIL was nana of the year once upon a time. 
The family recently had a reunion and family were all invited along except for us even though they knew we could have gone but we weren't allowed to go because of SIL. 
prior to this MIL took all the grandkids except for DS out shopping, on a big day out at a zoo and DS wasn't allowed to go because of SIL and BM. 
MIL looks after the other grandkids all the time like multiple times a week, she hasn't looked after DS in over a year because of SIL. 
It was so nice to see FIL bonding with DS when he visited and I was so greatful DS has the relationship with him I appreciate it 10000 times more but now it just feels like it's going to be ruined or something like the rest of them. 
BM was messaging FIL crying victim and pretending to be SS too, we could tell by the messages FIL shared with us and it just makes me so so so angry. 

Rags's picture

Write the shit off, even if it is family.

End of problem.

Do you really want your own child walling in this shallow and polluted gene pool?

I wouldn't if I were you.

If you do not force your child to wallow in that shit filled cesspool of genetic disfunction,  he cannot be pushed away.

You, DH, and DS have a great life and leave the shit to rot in their family stench.

Rather than tolerating this kind of crap, my DW and I called my IL clan out... collectively.  Once we called the crap for what it was, there was a couple of years of oscillating tension then the most toxic of them called for a family meeting.  That was the reset point that has resulted in a notable improvement in the IL clan dynamic and relationships quality over more than 10yrs.

If it had not resulted in improved behaviors in the IL clan, we would have been fine with just living well as our family of 3 and in being a part of my extended family.

Do not over think it. Flush the shit and get on with living well.

Chelsearg's picture

We don't really have much to do with the IL now. We don't see them really and contact is limited, we live a wee while from them now. But my FIL was seperate to all the drama and I really valued the relationship he had with DS but I'm so worried how his new contact with SS and BM is going ti taint this. I'm hoping FIL having been through seperation and child alienation will think about things but I also know he is a gullible grandad type and BM and SS are incredibly manipulative. Iv had a terrible week on top of all of this so sorry if it doesn't make sense I'm mentally exhausted 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

If FIL buys into the drama, sadly, you are best cutting him off, too. My SO's brother and SIL are best friends with BM2. They gave her information she used in an ex-parte. I took care of his daughters for a whole week but he wouldn't allow my daughter to do anything with him because BM2 was there and didn't want her around. He made his choice and he and SIL are pretty much dead to me. Hopefully your FIL has enough sense not to be pulled into this drama. If he does not in fact have enough sense, you are better off without him.

ETA if i see SO's brother and SIL, i am polite but distant. Minimal contact. A brisk "hello" or "Merry Christmas" if it's a holiday, but no conversation. 

Rags's picture

I suggest a direct conversation with FIL to align and clear the air.

If he drinks the toxic IL clan/BM/Skid Kool-Aid, flush him too.  Hopefully FIL will continue to be the lone point of sanity in the IL clan.

Minimize the stress in your life.

Give rose

ESMOD's picture

I know that you felt that your son's relationship with your FIL was special in that it was the only family connection that was still in tact.. but as  you said, FIL is grandparent to both kids.. and if he is a good man, he would be the kind of person to want to have a relationship with both of his grandsons.  And.. who knows.. perhaps he would be a good influence on SS and help him see that his mom's campaign against his son and you is not well justified?

I honestly would not make any fuss about it.. because if BM knew it bothered you? she would ramp up more right?

I might set some limits like your son can't go when SS is going due to history.. but your FIL caring about both kids takes nothing from the other one.  He isn't a girl that can choose only one suitor.

And...if you find that the toxicity spreads to your FIL.. he can be cut off as the others have been.. for your family's well being.  

Is BM doing this to spite you or your son? probably more out of jelousy or concern that your son could be "getting more" from his FIL (gifts/money).. and doesn't want her snookums left out.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I don't think you're being selfish or petty; you just know what you've missed out on and long for normal family relationships for your self and your child.

But your MIL is a vicious, twisted, hateful triangulator who takes pleasure in hurting those who cross her. The best thing you can do is block her every which way you can. Make sure she doesn't know ANYTHING about your life as obviously she will try to exert control and punish any way she can.

Regarding your FIL, maybe your H can have a talk with him to explain how MIL is targeting your little family? FIL must have some idea how toxic his ex is, right? Tell him how much you value your relationship with him and how important he is you. He should be able to compartmentalize his relationships and remain neutral.

NeverEnough321's picture

I would be upset, as well, if this were happening to me. Imagining my SIL bffs with BM?! Hard pass. I also don't think you are being petty or selfish. The situation is unfair as your son is just as much family as SS is to your in laws. 

Does FIL know about the drama? If he's divorced from MIL, he probably has an idea of what she is like. Same with BM. I can understand how you are feeling, as if FIL is the one good thing in the IL family that DS still has, and you don't want BM and SIL taking that away, like MIL. I do think you and DH should talk to FIL and maybe get ahead of it. How exactly is he the gullible type?