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DH is about to cut his father out of our lives.

Madam Hedgehog's picture

FIL was not an awesome father to DH, and is turning into a pretty lackluster grandparent, and a dead-beat father in law as well.

We live in the same town as BM and also DH's sister, who is BM's "bestest friend" and who hates DH for having the gall to get a divorce.

So, FIL comes in at least once a month and uses our house as a motel so that he can visit everyone, BM included.

While having an outsider stay in our house, eat our food, use our laundry machine 24/7, and talk about uncomfortable topics is a bit stressful, I have never had a real problem with his visitation schedule.

What I do have a problem with is this:

He talks about BM all the time.

He talks about the good ole days when DH and BM were married, and in front of the skids no less.

He purposefully encourages the skids to hit each other.

He purposefully encourages the skids to break all of our house rules.

He told SS6 to take a piece of cake that he WATCHED ME BAKE back home to BM because she "likes chocolate"

He preys upon any situation in which DH and I are having trouble and tries to convince DH that I am somehow being a bad wife.

He tries to stir up trouble between DH and pretty much EVERYONE DH cares about.

He tries to get DH to yell at the kids by urging the kids to do things and say things they're not suppose to do and say. He is not satisfied until DH has blown up on the kids, at which point he seems quite satisfied with the whole situation.

He lets BM roam around our house when we are gone or in the shower.

Those are my problems. DH has had several "talks" with FIL about these behaviors, and almost nothing has changed. Last time FIL came in, I had the distinct impression he was convinced that I was the problem with his relationship with DH. Never mind the fact that BM--back in the day--barred FIL from her home and from any contact with SS6 because she busted him doing drugs (he likes to sit in his car and smoke pot).

The instant the divorce happened, BM decided she had to become best friends with DH's entire family, so it no longer matters that she exiled FIL.

Anyway, I guess I feel kind of guilty about the whole mess. I know I shouldn't. At this point, FIL is not someone I want around my future kids. He doesn't respect our relationship or our house rules. He really doesn't seem to do much other than stir up trouble and then act like a poor old innocent bystander. But DH has already lost most of his family over the divorce, and now this situation with his father is making me feel very selfish and guilty. DH usually shrugs off everything and disregards his family's behavior, so I truly don't think DH would be talking about cutting his father out of our lives if I wasn't talking about being upset with FIL. But I also don't think it's fair to live my life--even in my own home--as the second wife who has to hear about the glory days of BM and DH's union (especially since it was a complete distaster). I also don't like that DH and I struggle constantly to get the skids to treat each other nicely and to use manners and then FIL swoops in and obliterates all of our progress for his own amusement.

What do you think?


cant win for losin's picture

I think the fil situation sounds EXACTLY like a skid scenerio.
Comes once a month, disrespects house rules, disrespects you and dh, "uses" your house, talks about the bm "glory" days, causes friction in your relationship with dh, causes issues among other children, even makes you feel uncomfortable in your own home! Short of shitting on himself, doin drugs in your home, it eerily is similar to a sk. Damn, even your dh doesnt seem as concerned as you in fil antics.
so what do i think?

Madam Hedgehog's picture

that's funny you mention it. i never thought about FIL as a skid--probably because my skids are pretty awesome usually--but you're totally right. it's like i won the lottery with the skids, and got a traditional craptastic skid out of father in law anyway.

you really have no idea how perfect your description is.
FIL is convinced:

the world revolves around him

DH should get back with BM even though she's nuts and they hate each other

he owns our kitchen, our tv, and our food (not to mention our booze)

he has no responsibility for his own messes

the rules don't apply to him

it's not a problem for him to sit in his car out front and smoke pot

it's not a problem for him to wander around the house smelling of pot

it's not a problem for him to let people into the house that we would NEVER invite (Bm for example)

that he has no responsibility for the drama and misery that he himself incites

* * *

wow. seriously. i'm so glad my actual skids are not the usual. i don't know what i'd do if they were more like FIL.

cant win for losin's picture

I know right!? I was reading your blog thinking, "damn, he's as bad as a stepkid. AND he visits once a month? Yup, he's just LIKE a stepkid"
Then when you were describing how YOU felt about his actions, and the situation, describing dh, etc... whew, you sounded like us other stepmom's. lol
Yes, i would disengage. Especially given the history of dh with his family and fil basically bein the only one left. Im sure dh has some typical guilty daddy symptoms. Down playing fil actions, or just plain ignoring them, kinda doesnt want to "rock the boat" out of fear from losin the last of what pathetic family he has.
Read more about disengaging. Its a life saver.

Madam Hedgehog's picture

yeah. i think DH dealt with so much TRULY INSANE BULLSH!T from the rest of his family that he pretty much ignores anything his mom or his dad do.

it's been problematic for a long time, though, because they both continue to drag BM into our everyday lives and will not shut up about her and the old days and whatever the hell else. drives me up the wall.

also, for all the reasons that i discussed about FIL.

this most recent visit, though, i think was sort of the last straw for DH. he acted like nothing happened for about 48 hours, but then he seemed to get really pissed after three days.

i really am going to read more about disengaging. i never really considered disengaging from the skids because they're usually pretty great, but it hadn't occurred to me that i could truly disengage from an adult. i like the idea though. at this point i usually hide in the office when FIL is here, but he often comes in there to tell me awkward stories and fish for a reaction. it's pretty bizarre.

cant win for losin's picture

I always think the first sign of needing to disengage is when you "hide" in your own home. When we hide we are unconsciously trying to disengage and not even know it.
That sucks for dh. I feel for him. I have a parent who is buddies with my ex fil. And even at times will still talk to my ex. It use to irritate the hell out of me but crossed over to heartache when they still did it, during and after the harassment period. (I was fearing my life during this period)
Its like wtf!!? I tell YOU my OWN parent i am fearing for my life, my safety from my ex and you flippin talk to him like your fuckin bff's????
It is hard core BETRAYED feelings, to have family continue relations with an ex, and you just dont bounce back from that ya know?
But boy for dh, to already struggle from a lifetime of wanting acceptance from your parent. Sad it kibda makes you understand a smidge these skids who still hold a flame for these absent, unstable, abusive, drama filled, etc.. bm's.

Madam Hedgehog's picture

you're totally right. i can't even imagine what DH is going through. he is sort of distant about his emotions toward situations outside our relationship, so i really am not sure what he's feeling, but i'm sure it's horrible.

i'm sorry you went through the same thing. it's so unbelievable to me that his family has built a stronger relationship with her AFTER THE DIVORCE than they ever had when they were married. it just feels like a big "F you" to DH.

and we've been going through years of harassment. she nearly hit me with her car in our driveway a few months ago. she has started every possible rumor about DH and keeps dragging him to court for ridiculous nonsense even though she basically never takes care of the kids and has plenty of money in her trust fund.

his parents still want to be her best pals. it's disgusting.

cant win for losin's picture

Ok, now im curious madam hedge.
Now that you have a "seudo skid" who matches common problems associated in the step world, i am curious on your "thoughts" to the "other side"

Meaning the other side, because you do have good skids, good relations, etc...
So your thoughts on the dark side? LoL

Madam Hedgehog's picture

you traditional stepparents are freaking saints. i am not kidding. i deal with some drama here and there from the skids--food issues and sibling rivalry mostly--but after dealing with FIL for just a week a month i can honestly say that i would probably rent a motel room anytime the skids were in town.

and it's funny because DH's behavior toward his father is more like the guilty-daddy syndrome than it is with the skids. he is a pretty strict disciplinarian with the skids and doesn't let them get by with much. however, he'll let both his parents get away with murder and act like nothing happened. and then when i ask about it, he will usually try to give them the benefit of the doubt even though they are full grown adults who know much better.

i'm pretty relieved he's gotten to the breaking point with his family. i feel guilty, of course, but it's nice to think that we will no longer have to deal with their drama and insults.

really though . . . you people are saints. that's my thought. the ranting, cussing, enfuriated (and sometimes alcoholic) stepparents here and all saints.

cant win for losin's picture

Hopefully dh has come to his breaking point. I dont think his relationship with fil is a healthy one.

Madam Hedgehog's picture

apparently, FIL used to be a really controlling abusive guy. now that he can no longer control anyone, DH think he's using the drama and manipulation as a way to put himself back at the center of things.

Madam Hedgehog's picture

you are dead on with this. the inlaws are constantly obsessing over how and when DH is going to screw up his life. then whenever he doesn't, and something great happens (house, better job, new car, wedding, etc) they are all sideways and snippy about it.

it sucks. they suck. Blum 3

also, i think that's really creepy that your BM is trying to introduce herself to your DS, especially since there is such a huge age gap between DS and SS.

Madam Hedgehog's picture

exactly. my dad is a pain in the ass sometimes, alotta of the time, but he respects our relationship and our household rules.

one of the only things my parents do that is against the rules is get into fights in front of the kids. i always tell them to take outside, and they do because they know it's bad behavior.