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Maiden Name update & How do you deal with all the anger?

Madam Hedgehog's picture

I just wanted to thank everyone for their advice and support in the whole maiden name issue. You all helped me realize I was dragging alot of other issues into the situation that weren't truly related. DH and I are now doing much better, and have both made important agreements about the way we look at this relationship.

I've realized how truly, deeply angry I am about this situation. It is not a rational way to feel because there's nothing to be achieved by the anger and literally nothing DH or I can change at the moment without violating a court order or giving up on our marriage (not an option).

How do you deal with the anger? I use to be a relatively happy person, and while my DH makes me extremely happy almost every single day, there is another dimension of this living situation that seems to be turning me into someone I often do not recognize. I am so furious with BM. I am furious with DH's family. I am furious with our judge. I am furious with DH for every having anything to do with BM in the first place.

Has anyone had any luck with coping strategies? Seriously. Meditation? Counseling? Writing letters I'll never send? Writing letters that I will actually send? Standing on my head for ten minutes every morning? Pills?

I feel invaded, ridiculed, and taken advantage of basically every single day . . . and the court order is enforcing the situation. Additionally, our judge told DH we couldn't go back to court for a full year (I suppose he doesn't want to hear about it) unless something extreme happens (new job, moving to a different city, etc).

Have any of you actually gotten past the anger for good?


Madam Hedgehog's picture

i was on effexor for a few months several years ago. i'm not sure why, but it just made me incredibly tired and dizzy. that was at the peak (or what i assumed would be the peak) of BM's antics. i got off and felt quite a bit better physically (no longer tired and dizzy) but i'm still having a few issues emotionally as you've probably guessed. Smile

can you recommend any books? i pretty much devoured Stepmonster. While I don't agree with the level of importance Martin places on biology, I think she was dead-on with pretty much everything else. I'm lucky DH is much more strict with the kids and never developed that child-centric home atmosphere, but i'll admit i feel things sliding a bit in that direction sometimes and it drives me nuts.

i'd love to read more books on stepfamilies if anyone has some suggestions.

Madam Hedgehog's picture

so far i've mostly been venting and drinking as well. i think that it has finally sunk in that things are probably no going to change for the better, the judge will not get his head out of his @ss, and BM will not stop acting like a crazy person. up until a few days ago, i really truly believed that some magical factor would force a change in all this craziness. it's part of how i think i've avoided the anger for so long. but the acceptance of "hey, this is life" is apparently really pissing me off.

Madam Hedgehog's picture

nice. that has helped a bit too. reading the horror stories at this site sort of reminds me that it could be a whole lot worse.

Madam Hedgehog's picture

thanks. i'm really thinking about seeing a counselor at this point. i am so angry and it seems like nothing i do really makes it go away. usually, i just get fed up with myself and i force myself to focus on something else. but then it just comes back a few hours later, and i find myself as angry or angrier than i was before.

oneoffour's picture

I got selfish. I decided I was going to tweak photos using Picnik. So I subscribed for a year (for the grand sum of $25 .. ooooh ahhhh!) and I subscribe to any freaking magazine I want.

I can't change the BM (who just keeps to herself) but the fallout from her parenting and taking over the raising of her sons is now coming to fruition and is either going to get REALLY better or REALLY worse. I cannot change the SSs. They are who they are courtesy of the "do what you want and learn Life Lessons and it doesn't matter I will try to cover it up so I don't get shamed but if I do I can claim 'Poor single mother with teen sons' status".

I try to let things go a lot and buy stuff. Hobby Lobby etc should have a parking space just for me. When this all suffocates me (not as much as it used to but still from time to time)I go shopping at raft stores and buy stuff I will use one day but for today just looks very nice.

I always put my family before my feelings. I did it with my ex and I would do it with my DH. But now I back off. Hey, if I am that intolerable to live with I have been divorced once and didn't die. I can do it again. I will help or assist when I can (80% of the time) but sometimes the answer is no.

And if things get REALLY bad I will hang out for a while on Ebay and buy something I want... and not need.

Madam Hedgehog's picture

i like this. i know it will sound absurd, but i have recently started spending much more money on books (via kindle) and comic books than i EVER spent when i was single. usually, i am extremely thrifty and feel very guilty about spending money on things i want (and don't need). lately, however, it's been sort of an odd comfort to have things that i want when i feel that so much of what i use to want (life-wise) has gone down the drain.

Madam Hedgehog's picture

i am positive that this would help. it's part of my real frustration lately. i somehow messed up my left foot and have no been able to exercise the way i use to. as a result--to control weight gain from not working out--i've been on a ridiculous diet and that is proving to be a pretty consistent irritant as well. DH is supportive of me and my body no matter what, but whenever i start to gain weight i feel like i am turning into BM. we have pretty similar basic looks (blond, blue eyes, etc) but she is about 6 inches shorter and about 60 pounds heavier. it will sound incredibly insecure (and it is incredibly insecure) but being in better shape than BM was something that made me feel alot better about the situation previously. i think yoga would be an option though. i practiced yoga for about a year when i was younger and it really helped me feel more balanced and mellow.

forestfairy's picture

Yoga makes me feel awesome! So calm and relaxed! If your foot is messed up, try bike riding, rowing machines, things that don't have too much impact on your feet. I'm getting ready to join the gym again. I feel like crap and am actual physically craving exercise. I'm getting to the age (almost 33!) that when I don't take care of myself I can really notice it in my health and how I feel. I feel like sh#t lately, and need to get my butt in gear!

thefunmommy's picture

Yoga. After a really intense yoga session I'm too tired to get upset about anything. And some of that stuff... parts of me feel like overcooked noodles. I couldn't get worked up if I tried (barring life-threatening situations)

Madam Hedgehog's picture

i have no female friends where i live. i have never had alot of close friends anyway because i'm extremely wary of other people's motives. however, my supposed best friend of about ten years attempted to sleep with DH a couple years ago and that has put the ultimate damper on my desire to be friends with anyone, especially females. my only remaining female friend moved five hours away and is extremely busy with school and a new husband, so we don't talk much anymore and neither of us has time to hang out except every few months.

i can really feel the weight of that absence though. i really do believe in the power of "girl time." even with women who i am not particularly close to, i find it very . . . mellowing. DH and I both have had a pretty difficult few years so far as community goes. We live and work in an extremely competitive environment and it's taken a serious toll on our social lives. i'd really like to move and get away from this whole political mess, but we are sort of stuck here due to the skids.

Madam Hedgehog's picture

i have already tried to the death prayer with absolutely no luck whatsoever. it's a total downer. Smile

Shaman29's picture

MH - I can't offer you any advice because I'm still in your shoes. But I appreciate you posting this question because I need the advice as well.

Yoga, exercise and meditation. I like the writing the letters to Uberskank (not sending, just writing). I should probably write some to DH and his kid as well. I'm still really angry about a lot of things that are over and done with.

Madam Hedgehog's picture

i am going to try the letters to BM, although I'm worried i will end up with a novel worth of material. i should really try meditation again, though. i use to when i was younger (and much more optimistic) so i think it would be a good place to start.

i'm sorry to hear you are in the same place. i really wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Rhyleighblue's picture

How do you deal with the anger? I use to be a relatively happy person, and while my DH makes me extremely happy almost every single day, there is another dimension of this living situation that seems to be turning me into someone I often do not recognize. I am so furious with BM. I am furious with DH's family. I am furious with our judge. I am furious with DH for every having anything to do with BM in the first place.

-----------------> yeah. You and I are in exactly the same place. You feel all of the same things that I feel. I use my job as a nurse to distract me from my rage, but it hasn't ever gone away. I also spend my time thinking of ways to legally take the other two skids away from Bitchie. I may never succeed with those plans but they help to calm my impotent outrage and frustration. They make feel like I am taking some kind of action - even if it's all in my own mind.

herewegoagain's picture

Reading ex-Wives ex-Lives brought me ALOT of peace. It helped me realize that my feelings were NOT wrong. That I was NOT in the wrong. Yes, I still can't stand crazy...It still makes me SICK to think of DH with crazy...but when it does and DH doesn't seem to care about it or instead of listening says something stupid, I just start talking about MY usually helps me feel better }:)

Holly's picture

I went looking for help with my anger problem several months ago and the cousellor I went to used Acceptance and Commitment therapy(ACT) with me. It's a kind of cognitive behaviour therapy rather than the traditional "talking" therapy but it has helped me enormously, not just with anger but in all areas.

Having said that, it's probably not the kind of thing that would work for everybody. I also write letters or journal and break out "Stepmonster" to reread when I am in a really bad frame of mind.