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Feeling depressed - sorry post didn’t load

Chelsearg's picture

DH has always been a good dad to his now teen son however SS behaviour has been on a downward spiral for a few years. I won’t get into it all or I will be here forever however earlier this year his behaviour and disrespect got so much worse that DH told him to “grow up and don’t bother coming back until your behaviour changes”. I never thought it would come to that but it did. His behviour and disrespect started causing hurt throughout the family and started messing with our younger sons head. He was lying, some very serious harmful lies, wagging high school, physically hurting his younger brother including holding him under the water at the pool to the point our son was sick for 2 days! being straight disrespectful hitting really hard thinking it’s a “joke”, being really rude etc. Now yesterday hubby missed a call from SS and he left a message saying “call or text me I guess.... f***n asshole man”. You could tell by the tone etc that this was directed at DH no doubt about it. But hubby called him back and he said “oh I don’t remember saying it I was with my friend I said it to him” then SS chatted with DH like there has been absolutely nothing wrong. I asked hubby after the call what is happening going forwards with SS and he said “I’m not sure we will see”. 

Now I really hate to be that person who says it but over the last few months our family life has been so settled and stress free. We haven’t had to deal with SS behaviour, DS has been more settled and to be honest DH has been so much happier. I mean the whole situation with SS has always been stressful especially over the past 3 or so years as he’s gotten older and started lying. But I’m worried DH is going to sweep everything under the rug and expect things to get back to normal and SS will start staying over again like normal. DH is the sort to sweep problems away and pretend everything is fine. I’m so worried about life going back to the way it was. I have told hubby this and he got annoyed and said “I’ll sort it, it won’t etc” but he won’t sort anything he never does. I’m so worried and depressed at the thought of dealing with all this bull all over again. It actually kept me up all night and I feel like just crawling into a hole in the ground. To be honest it’s enough to make me want to pack mine and DS bags and leave and never ever look back. SS has caused so much trouble and hurt and I know DH will let it all go back to normal again. Stepping back or leaving when SS visits isn’t an option. It’s not even so much him being here. It’s the lies. He told family so many lies about the way we were treating him. He told them that we always say it’s his fault DS has a brain injury from him pushing him off the tramp and says that we make him cry about it. You know what we never have once even mentioned that incident to him, even when it happened he never got in trouble!!!! That hurts that he’s trying to get sympathy off our sons accident that he caused! Yes he did cause it but we have never ever spoken to him about it! 

What would you lot do? How would you cope in this situation? I honestly feel like telling DH that I don’t want SS and his drama here period but that won’t go down well..... 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I have a similar situation. I have set strict boundaries that YSD must adhere to before she is allowed back into my home. Being completely honest I know she won't do these things so I don't expect to see her any time in the near future. Because the reality is she doesn't genuinely want a relationship with SO and especially not with me. She just wants things from us. But rather than focus on being honest with SO and forcing him to acknowledge the truth that his kid is a selfish, a-hole. I have insisted that we take baby steps focusing on one thing at a time citing how volatile things were before she left and not wanting to repeat that. 

1. She has regular visits with SO outside the home so they can work on just their relationship.

2. Once that's established we attend family counseling together.

3. Based on the counselors input she has short visits with me and SO. 

Depending on her cooperation with the above and my satisfaction that she can demonstrate the ability to show me respect and comply with household rules, only then will we discuss visits in the home.  

Rags's picture

Time to bare it all.  If SS did not feel guilt over his cause of  your DS's injury he would not be lying about it to gain sympathy.

Nail his ass to the wall for his crap, inform DH that until SS gets professional help and provides proof that he is diligently attending therapy and goes for an extended period without his usual lying manipulative bullshit...  say a dozen years or so,  he has no pace in your home.  Not even to visit.


AgedOut's picture

I think that when SS held another child's head under the water, all bets are off. That's not lying or being mess or anything else our SKs might annoy us w/. That's physically harmimng another and I do not think anyone an blame you for being relieved that life has settled w/out him there. Dad needs to be reminded of that act, this isn't a sweep under the carpet thing. 

Chelsearg's picture

thanks for the advice everyone. It’s so nice to have somewhere to come and vent and cry. Iv actually been really struggling since this has all happened. It makes me so anxious and I just don’t think I can allow my life to go back to the way it was with all the drama and hurt. I have tasted freedom from it and as mean as it is I have enjoyed it. 

Hubby is adamant things are not going back to the way they were however he’s telling everyone things are basically fixed now and all is well. MIL asked why SS and him stopped talking and DH said “oh I just stopped trying because he never answered blah blah” when actually it’s because he was constantly lying, being disrespectful and he would only speak to his dad if he wanted something and he told family we were bullying him over hurting our son. Like tell the damn truth so people stop thinking he’s some poor little kid that does no wrong. I’m actually getting myself wound up as I type. You know what next time he comes over one wrong move and I think I’ll loose it and be telling everyone exactly how I feel. I can’t trust him near our son, I can’t trust him full stop. I use to have so much faith that he would grow up mature and be better than his mother and his older siblings she has but honestly I’m now thinking he’s going to be the worst of the bunch and the thought of dealing with all that for the rest of my life is absolutely depressing. 

Rags's picture

Over and over again every time the lying POS lies.  If your DH won't tell the truth to the extended audience, you do it.