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lieutenant_dad's picture

The little things, in general, are starting to bug me. My MIL is no different.

First, DH has a strained relationship with MIL, in large part due to her need to be in her grandkids' lives be damned how it impacts her sons. She enmeshed herself with BM, which has caused boatloads of issues for DH. These issues have been fiscal (e.g. DH would tell BM he wouldn't pay for something because he paid for something else, but MIL would pay for it and demand DH pay her back) and emotional (e.g. MIL and BM would get into a fight, so BM would withhold the boys from DH as punishment, or BM would be mad at DH so she would constantly give the boys to MIL while denying his excess time).

Since DH and I got married and bought a house, DH has really limited his contact with his mom and her presence in his and the boys' lives through him. He and BM are in a decent place, and BM knows she can't play the same games with him anymore. So MIL has been cut down to school concerts, birthdays and holidays, and the occasional dinner.

You would think that between her limited access and DH flat out telling her to stop being intrusive that it would mean she would change. Sadly, no. If anything, she has gotten more rude and more pushy with me and started chumming up to BM again.

Well, that is fine and dandy, MIL. Keep it up. Who do you think tells DH that maybe we should invite you over because you haven't seen the kids in a while? Me. Who plans the holidays? Me. Who tells you about school concerts? Me. Peeving me off is not going to get you more access to your grandkids or son.

So like I said, it is the little things that are irking me. MIL welcoming BM back to the "family name" (that actually has me laughing now). MIL interrupting my conversation with DH to make some statement that has nothing to do with what we're talking about. MIL asking BM and her family if they would like for DH and I to buy them drinks when we ran to the gas station before the last concert. MIL badgering me about the next time the boys will be over. MIL hovering INCHES away from DH and I as we were making OSS's birthday cake.

But the kicker that riled me this morning? A Facebook comment. I had posted a picture of DH and OSS and said something along the lines of "happy birthday to the eldest <DH's last name> child". MIL makes the comment, "oh, he isn't the oldest; BIL's son is".

Backstory: BIL got in a LOT of trouble with the law when his son was 3/4 and spent nearly a decade in prison. Either by mutual agreement or feeling defeated, BIL hasn't seen his son since and his son is 18/19 years old. This is a MAJORLY sore subject in the family, to the point that DH nor FIL will talk about it.

But, oh MIL. She befriended the XW. She kept in contact and went to BIL's son's graduation. She has been posting pictures and updated, etc. Fine. Her choice.

However, do NOT bring potential drama to my FB page. I have never met the kid. I have seen a few pictures, but that is it. What I posted had NOTHING to do with BIL's son, and I certainly don't want to be associated with whatever mess is BIL's relationship with his ex and son.

I'm sure you're just thinking, "but it's just a comment". Sure it is, but MIL, BM, and GBM could all be sisters with how similarly they all act. Will that comment lead to something? Probably not, but it has NOTHING TO DO WITH THE PICTURE. It had NOTHING TO DO WITH OSS! Geez, couldn't you say "aww, I love this picture of my son and grandson" like a normal person? No, you have to make a comment that has NOTHING to do with anything and just bring up questions/feelings/resentment that no one needa brought up!

Again, little things. It is never anything big, just little things that dig at deep family wounds because it makes her feel special, or makes her think that she is contributing in some way. I'm a hair widths away from telling her off myself. I have already told DH that it is on him to talk to and deal with her. I don't want to be brought into the cat-and-mouse game she (and equally BM) play. My patience has run out. I'm stepping out of the ring before I get fully dragged in.

Is it Petty? Yes. But I just don't have the will of want to deal with the BS at all - even an iota of it - anymore.


Siemprematahari's picture

No your not petty because life is too short for the bullsh!t! Also, why don't you block her from FB? I would have no contact with that miserable MIL. I'd also disengage from her as well. She seems toxic and if her own son can't tolerate her I can't imagine how you would even want to. You seem to have a good heart and mean well but when you have people like that in your life its ok to cut them out, block, or disengage.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

It's not petty. I had to hold my tongue yesterday when my MIL was basically saying we sucked for not keeping SD5 in daycare all summer... Which would have cost us $400+ a month, even though DH will be home ALL DAY (taking night classes and watching SD9 during the day). 

I think some MILs are tripping... You're not being petty! You're just not taking her Bulls***. I believe it's claled standing up for yourself...

ndc's picture

Sheesh.  If it's so important to your MIL that SD5 be in daycare, she can pay for it!  Since when is it more desirable for a kid to be in daycare than at home with a parent?  As long as the parent is paying attention to them, doing activities with them and not just lying on the couch playing video games or something, I would think time with the parent is preferable.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

That's what we thought! But she went all "This is a big mistake!!! An emergency could happen!" What kind of emergency is there... That we wouldn't want the girls with the parent over a daycare anyways?... It's confusing...

Also that's what I told my husband. LMAO. I told him if she was so dang peeved about her being out of daycare, then she's more than welcome to foot the bill to keep her there.

We have summer activities planned for them... It'll be better for her to be home with her dad and sissy.

hereiam's picture

What is petty, is your MIL making that comment to your birthday comment.

The point was OSS's birthday, but your MIL just had to get the dig in that you were wrong in claiming he was the eldest child. Who the frick cares?

It is so exhausting, having to deal with in-laws (or any family members) that are like this. I have very little to do with my husband's family. His parents are both deceased but his siblings are nutcases.

beebeel's picture

I was all surly this morning because my MIL has been up my butt about my DS and injecting drama with the skids. But I feel much less feisty now. My MIL isn't THIS bad. Uhg. At least your DH doesn't expect you to kiss her ass and he's put up some boundaries with her.

TexasPickles's picture

Get familiar with your facebook privacy settings. Put  on the old bat on your restricted list and she won't be able to see any of your posts. It is a subtle way to handle it, and its what I do with my DH's ridiculous adult children. I believe there is another setting that lets you review any post to your page before it is posted publicly, allowing you to dump her comments.


queensway's picture

Your MIL is a perfect example of what not to do to become a good MIL, She just loves to interject into a post on FB because she knows better than you. A woman like this can suck the life right out of you. You feel drained of your energy after dealing over and over with this drama. No you are not petty you are understandably sick of this woman and her ways. And I think your DH is tired of her drama and intrusion to. With a person like this the less you care about her ways the better you will feel about yourself.

momjeans's picture

I always find myself nodding in agreement when I read your blog posts about the MIL. 

My MIL is enmeshed with BM and her family for the sake of seeing skid, too. It has caused us a lot of marital problems that’s for sure. 

momjeans's picture

And I agree. It wasn’t the right time or place to post that comment. It would have majorly rubbed me the wrong way as well.