You are here

Don’t really know how to feel, SS coming back

Chelsearg's picture

SS16 cut DH off after DH tried to have a calm conversation with him about his poor behaviour, wagging school and some serious lies he was telling. DH continued to try and contact SS but SS would not answer him at all so DH told him he's always welcome here and to contact him when he's ready. After this SS and BM made up all sorts of tales and it caused some pretty serious family drama. 
Anyhow SS and DH have not spoken in about 2 years and while I feel bad for DH, SS and his sibling here it's actually been incredibly peaceful. For over a decade we had SS almost every weekend and every single visit we would be abused by BM or she would withold SS or refuse to stick to the pick ups etc, SS was mostly a well behaved child but when he wanted to misbehave He sure could do it well and his brother was often the target. We haven't had to deal with that for 2 years and to be honest it's actually been nice not having the stress. Our marriage and home life has been the best it's ever been! DS has been so settled no longer wondering if and when he will see his brother and what mood he will be in. 
MIL has taken it upon herself to try "fix" the relationship between DH and SS, I think she's decided to do this because we are moving and she might think this will stop us going. SS is still lying to her saying he's tried to reach out to DH but that DH has blocked him which isn't true and that DH cut SS off when it was actually SS who cut contact with DH. DH doesn't want anyone interfering in it/ trying to fix it because it's not that simple of a situation and it's no one's business but he won't say anything to MIL. 
I don't know how to feel about the whole situation, of course I would love SS to be around again but at the same time his behaviour hasn't changed, he's still lying, DH is now getting abusive messages again from BMs older kids now that MIL is making contact with them. I'm scared I'm going to loose the peace that we have found and our marriage is going to go back to being strained and the gates of abuse from BM and co will open up, that our child will again be a target of his brothers careless behaviour. 

I told DH how I feel and he said it will never go back to being like that but I know for a fact he's going to tread on eggshells and allow so many of those behaviours to happen again in fear he will lose his son again. 

I feel so scared to be honest. And it's all made me realise even more how toxic the entire situation has been for over a decade!!

Survivingstephell's picture

You are moving for sure? What makes MIL think she can stop you?   Men are never very good at putting their mother in their  place.   You story is similar to mine.  OSS was a brat, wouldn't follow our rules and had a choice to make.  The peace that came after was astounding.  His negative energy was so huge and I didn't realize how huge until he stopped coming over.  I understand your dread.   DH can see SS outside of the home only.  He needs to make amends and show contrition and apologize before he's allowed back into your home.  Those things are practically impossible for a skid to do so that's how you keep the peace in your home.  

Chelsearg's picture

Definitely moving. MIL doesn't want us to go. 
Good thinking but I'm not sure if I even have the power to stop him from coming over. 
Honestly I feel bad saying it but the level of peace has been amazing.

JRI's picture

Forgive me if I'm not understanding correctly.  Is SS making contact only at MIL's instigation?  Or do you think he's doing it somewhat on his own?

Chelsearg's picture

MIL is telling SS to contact Hubby SS hasn't instigated it at all. SS told MIL he did try but we blocked him. Hubby had tried many times to contact him with no reply's and he is not blocked and has never been blocked. 

JRI's picture

He doesn't sound like he wants to come over so I wouldnt worry much (easy to say).   He's just saying whatever to get grandma off his back.

ndc's picture

So is SS an adult now? Is he still in school? Would he be living with you full time? It sounds like SS isn't really interested and this is all MIL's doing, but just in case I'd be setting very firm boundaries and behavioral expectations with DH.

CLove's picture

Reading your past blogs, SS sounds like a sociopath, and you are much better off. Husband can have his relationship with a$$hole spawn somewhere else or whatever, but I hope SS NEVER darkens your door again. And I hope that you someday will smack MIL with all the facts of SS sociopathic behavior.

Ispofacto's picture

DH needs to tell MIL that she doesn't know the facts and she should butt out. Tell her once, and if she ignores his wishes, he should block her.


Russell1981's picture

If your MIL continues your DH will eventually resent her for putting him into an unwinnable situation. The WORST thing you can do is re-engage someone who is unrepentant. I have seen this in every facet of life and it never works out. 

Repentance takes one, Forgiveness takes one, but Reconciliation takes Both. You cannot reconcile with someone who has done terrible things and refuses to acknowledge them. You are putting yourself in a dangerous situation. 

Keep that child out of your life.

Please be safe.