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Don't Know If I Can Stand Being "StepMom" Anymore...

meshel's picture

Lately I'm at my wits end with things that have been going on. I am dissapointed in myself for feeling this way, but I think I need to take a big step back in my role as a stepmom. I have had a few things come up w/ my skids, one w/ my SD. that I posted about already, she only wants to be here when her dad is home, and not "left" with me...??? That issue has resolved itself some, new issue is w/ SS. He got his report card the other day, some of his grades slipped a little, he's been slacking off latley, complaining about the school, misses the school he went to last year when he lived w/ BM. Says kids make fun of him, the funny thing is, he had some of the same complaints last year, but anyway....He calls BM, wants to tell her about his report card, BM tells him that his sister "beat him" with her grades;note;( sister is a grade ahead, and in special classes.) That sister is doing better than him, and "don't you think it's time to come home now". BM must have forgotten the F's & D's he got when he lived w/ her. His lowest grade he has now is a C. Well , he tells me about what she said, he was upset by it, then he says "I don't care where I live, if I lived w/ her again, I would still see you." I told him that it was not an option, that he lives w/ us now, and that will not change. I did not let him know how upset I was by his comment, he was begging his dad & I to live with us last year at this time, and we went through hell to get custody of him, AND now he does not care??? Why, because our house has rules, and supervision, and we want better for him. The following sentances are total "venting",......./ I have been the target of abuse in this situation. My whole pregnancy w/ my son was overshadowed by court dates, constant stress,& worry and threats. It cost us money that we did not have, so now we are what "poor" wants to be when it grows up. I have 2 other children, that I struggle to keep up with so they don't feel like they have become "after-thoughts" with all of the energy my SD & SS take out of me. And my baby just turned 3 months old, and he needs a mommy w/ a Positive Mental Additude AHHHH!/ I just don't know what to do. SS also has some of BM bad habits, and I try in the nicest possible way to help him, and try to guide him in the right direction, and all my efforts are in vain. My DH is supportive, and tries his best to do the right things, but this wares on him as well.These are his kids, And I love them very much, and I go above and beyond for them. But sometimes I wonder if my DH wants me to be BM's replacement for them.?. That I cannot be. I cannot "fix" or change his past. I WISH!!! Most of the "caregiving" responsibility with them falls on me right now, but "my" kids need me too. I just don't know what to do....

Comments

Marie92's picture

I so get you! I'm sort of in the same situation. My DH gets his kids every Tues. and Thurs. evening for sleepover and EVERY Sat. BM is useless for these children. She does the bare minimum for these kids. I have a SS and SD. I also have 4 sons of my own. BM sends SD over with clothes that were her brother's. We take better care of them than she does. She'll send them over, and my DH has to call and ask if she wants them back. She won't call for 2 days, knowing the schedule they keep.
Sometimes we do run into trouble, like yours. My SD really has a problem with me. She's 7 going on 21 and is so much like her BM. BM doesn't dress her or SS well. I buy her pretty things to wear, and she takes them home for BM to ruin by either letting their dog pee on the clothes or turning any color clothing blue in the wash. I've told SD to just bring it back unwashed so that I can take care of it for her. My SS picks on my younger sons so much that we have to keep them apart. Funny how he doesn't pick on my oldest son who is way bigger than he is.
There are days when it's good, though. Like family nights, when we're all actually getting along.
I really have a problem with being jealous of BM for having a child with my DH. I really wish I had that connection with him, but I don't think I could handle anymore. He's a good dad to his kids, and I wish I could share that with him. I love my boys and I know that I need to concentrate on them. I do, but, sometimes I miss the old days when it was just me and the boys. Just SOMETIMES.
I just know that I understand, but I'm looking for some advice myself. So, if you have anything to say, please do!!! Thanks : )

cmw23's picture

I think that alot of SP's put way too much pressure on themselves to be the person that they are not ready to be or willing to be. Alot of times we are so in love with our mates that we think that we are going to have that same attachment to their child ( we should right because they're apart of our mates, right?) Wrong! we should not feel obligated to parent or have this strong bond of love with our mates kids. Women tend to feel that they should automatically have this gene that prepares them to be a mother regardless of wether or not it's our child or someone elses child and if we don't then there's something seriously wrong with us, which is soo wrong.
Alot of us SP's set ourselves up for heartache and pain when it comes to our skids. We try to do soo much for them and go over and beyond but we are less likely to get any credit for it, people will look at what we've done for our skids as something that we were supposed to do. I'm not saying that we shouldn't care about our skids or even love them but we should never feel pressured to do so. If you want to do anything for your skids do it because you want to and without any resentment because the minute you start doing things that you don't want to do or feel pressured to do you are going to start harboring feelings of resentment and animosity and it will probably be directed towards your skids without you realizing it. Our skids are very smart and would rather you be supportive to them and a friend then to try to be a parent ( which in most cases they already have two of ) to them but have bitterness in our hearts. We feel bad for our skids when we see one of the bioparents not being the parent that they should be, so we as SP's try to save the day. As bad as we may feel, we can't try to fix everything for our skids. It's not our responsibility. That's great if we want to but again we should never think that it's our job. If we are sp's and have our own biochildren ( brutally honest moment )our children should always come before any other child. If you're going over and beyond for the skids is costing you time and energy with your children then IMO you should really step back and look at the whole picture. Our skids (in most cases) have DH,BM and SM some biochildren don't even have the support of three or four parental figures like our skids. So we really want to make sure that our children come first because in some cases we are all they have and we would never want them to look back and think that we placed another child before them. STEPMOTHER is only a title it does not dictate who we are, what we do and what our role is. Just my 2Cents.

meshel's picture

Thank you both for your insight, I was starting to feel guilty about my feelings towards my skids, and this situation of putting my kids first....it's crazy, but because my skids "need" so much, they end up being first on the list.I can see this is a bad cycle, and will only bring fustration. I NEED to put my kids front & center, especially my baby, but it's difficult when others make you feel bad for doing so, or the skids get offended.

cmw23's picture

I completely understand how you feel. You should never feel bad about putting your own children first. Raising your children is the most important job that you will ever have and when skids are involved we try to pick up the broken pieces that their parents left behind, but in us doing this we may end up neglecting our own kids and leaving some pieces behind with our own children for someone else to pick up.