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Children Living With Father.....

meshel's picture

I was reading some posts that were put up a few days ago....about a t.v. show where a woman gave custody of her child to the father......I wish I saw that show. You all do not know how much I needed to read something like that....and all your responsis were surprisingly positive. For the past 2 years I have felt like an absolute "good for nothing" for letting my kids go live with their father. My decision was based only on their ex makes the $$ to support them in the way they deserve, and it has strengthend his bond with them. We could not stay together anymore, we both needed and wanted different things...our relationship was trashed. I did not feel that taking the kids and struggling(was stay @ home mom for 10 yrs.) 32 yrs old w/ we split...was in their "best intrest", and he knew I could take them...begged me not to, so we devised the plan for him to have "custody". To this day I live in pain, my kids are fine, their life is great, like I knew it would be, but missing them is overwhelming sometimes, not having them "under my roof" & with me all the time is really hard,BUT, despite all of this... I have made a new & better life for myself...I am a mom that my children are proud of....being free from my ex, I am "alloud" to work outside of the home, to be myself, have friends,etc. And my ex is now free to pursue what he wants (lots of $$$$ and his work) they are both important to him, and his relationship with the kids has improved, as he now spends more time with them. This is by far the hardest decision I have ever made....I have been labled by people who don't know me, I have to be careful of who I tell about this...noone really understands, and I have felt so alone & guilty. I make sure my kids know how much I love them.....If doing this .....being unselfish, and communicating with their father...showing by example that they have 2 parents who love them...will be a positive thing in their life....then I can handel any negative feelings I carry. (bring on the rain) All I know is I love them, and I will always try to do what "is best" for them... Meshel


Anne 8102's picture

God, how I hate double standards! You don't have to explain it, honey. It wouldn't have mattered to me if you were independently wealthy or just barely scraping by, had a job or never worked a day in your life, had purple hair and blue teeth or blond hair and pearly whites... you don't owe anyone an explanation and anyone who would berate you for letting your husband have primary custody doesn't know shit from Shinola, in my humble opinion. No one thinks badly about fathers who let the mothers have primary custody and no one should think badly about a mother who would let the father have primary custody. As long as the children are with a loving parent, it doesn't matter whether that parent is the father or the mother. I don't think it's selfish or wrong or negative in any way. You made a decision that you felt was in the best interest of your children, regardless of how hard it was for YOU and THAT is what makes you a great mom. Don't EVER let anyone tell you otherwise.

At first I wanted to tell you that you need to forgive yourself for making this decision, but then I realized that you don't need to forgive yourself for anything! I'm sorry for your pain, but humbled by your strength. You are among friends here.

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

Dawn-Moderator's picture

You made a hard decision but the kids are benefiting from your strength. You had time to get your life in order and that in itself helps them.

I applaud you Meshel!


meshel's picture

Thank U Anne, I have felt very alone in this decision...(some of the looks) people give me when they hear of this.....but I have come to see that unless its happening to you, you really dont know what you'll do. I have alot of "could have", "should have's".... but after I got re-married to my current husband, through his experiance with divorce, and his ex....I got to see just how bad things can get for the kids. My ex & I are children of divorce as well, and even though it is tough,( what divorce is not ?) Somehow we broke a pattern...when it comes to children suffering. Thank u again for your kind words.

Cruella's picture

I am the SM to 3 children who's father has custody of the kids. The mother is around the world and the only time she calls is to bash the hard work the DH and I do. No help she does NOTHING for them. It is not about money. It is being there for them when they need you. Just being a phone call away and working with their father. I think you really made a selfless decision. You need to stop beating yourself up for letting them go to their father. You are still their mother and no one can take that away from you. Don't listen to the judgements.

I know the pain of giving up a child for his own good. I had to let my at the time 14 year old son move to another state to live with my parents. I was a single mom with very little help and he was just beginning to get into trouble. I couldn't handle him. With a lot of tears and sleepless nights, I let my parents take him. I still hurt from that decision but you know it was the best decision I made for him. He actually thanked me!!! He is an honorable young man and Corporal in the US Army now (he is 27 years old). I couldn't be prouder. My other son also an honarable young man. Believe me all they need to know is that you are there for them.

tiff's picture

for not being selfish and putting your kids welfare first- i wish there were more of you in this world. sometimes hard decisions are the best decisions- you should feelvery proud of yourself- because although it may hurt you - you truly love your kids and want whats best for them.