WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
You are were so helpful with my last topic "is $200 not enough for a birthday gift", so I thought I would ask this question also. My BF & I have been together for 5 years - he lived with me but moved out twice because of disagreements that at the time could not be worked thru. He has been living with a friend & pays rent to this friend (who asked him to move out) and buys groceries. So we have been seeing each other again & he has stayed here for overnight for the last 4 weeks & has not given me one cent. He eats here, packs his lunch for work from here, baths here, when we go somewhere it is in my vehicle, I pay if we go to dinner & couple weeks ago we went to the movies & I paid for addmission & popcorn!! I am unemployed & have 4 children (one in college)I am getting unemployment & child support. I do however think that I am being taken advantage. He mentioned last week about moving back in again. Hell who wouldnt want to live for free. If I would let him, we certainly would not combine our monies at this point & I would have to charge him "rent" also (my house payment is $1200 month). I dont know how i would bring this topic up, I am very passive & quiet. No wonder he can buy his kid $200 gift for his b-day (I don't even do that).
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You're being used currently.
You're being used currently. Start a spreadsheet of expenses...he can share them. just like a roommate but keep your own bank accounts and don't put your name on anything with him. Don't let him be a lead weight around your neck financially bc those kinda men will make you sink and drown everytime.
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"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
"Never let the hand you hold, hold you down." ~Aut
Thats a tough one, it sounds
Thats a tough one, it sounds like he thinks your a Sugarmomma. I would just say at this time I cant afford to support anyone besides myself and my children. I would tell him if he wanted to live with you, he is responsible for half the bills by such and such date. Ask him maybe to sign a contract or a lease type agreement for this. Also tell him you need your car, and would be more then happy to find a bus schedule for him.
--Just call me Cleopatra everybody, 'cause I'm the Queen of Denial
I am very skeptical. The
I am very skeptical. The last couple times this has happened and he moved out I was left with all the bills the we incurred, even though he said that he would help pay on them he never did. He does have a car but it is a 1994 and I have a brand new Durango that he likes to drive. Something tells me that he is also not holding up his end with his roommate now or why would he be asking him to move out?? He does have enough money to smoke one 1 1/2 packs of cigs a day though!!
Wait. What? You know the
Wait. What?
You know the saying: 'Fool me once, shame on you. For me twice...'
You say the last COUPLE of times this has happened he left you with all the bills incurred? Now you're actually considering letting this happen a third time? Comeon. I think you know what you need to do (tell him no), but you need to hear other people agree with you.
If that's the case, then I'm agreeing with you. Tell your BF no. Find his own place.
Otherwise, take any of Belle's advice below. She's amazingly smart.
***Life - It's not a rehearsal***
I think you are right I do
I think you are right I do need to hear that other people agree with me. I am not good at handling situations like this, I get emotional and choked up. It is good to have the support.
Woozers, I had no idea this
Woozers, I had no idea this happened a couple of times before. Yes I would tell him he needs to find his own place! Then maybe you could go to his house and eat his food.lol.
Just call me Cleopatra everybody, 'cause I'm the Queen of Denial
Oh Boy! I think I would be
Oh Boy! I think I would be livid!! I think he is definately taking advantage of the situation. And, personally, I wouldn't take it! You have 4 children that you need to take care of. They should be your main focus
(Please don't be offended) I would tell him to either step up and help or step out. He needs to get a job and carry his weight. Oh my goodness...I'm going to bite my tongue on this 
But really, don't allow him to take advantage of you!!
~Never interrupt your enemy when she is making a mistake.~
~No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent.~
He has a job but just not
He has a job but just not making alot of money, I get more a week on unemployment than he gets paid a week. I think that is mostly the reason I do what I do feeling sorry for him, but it is getting old. If he would atleast offer to pay something I would feel better.
You are definitely being
You are definitely being taken advantage of.
You say you are very passive and quiet -- but honey, if you do not stand up for yourself and demand to be treated with respect, no one will do it for you.
Sit down and think of what you would need in order to make this conversation easiest for you. Do you do better when you have a "script" -- or notes, or something like that? Would it be easier in your space? His? a neutral space? In front of a neutral third party?
Think of techniques to make you feel stronger -- I think the spreadsheet is a good idea. You can say "This is what we are going to do." And if he argues, you can simply say, "This is the way I'm comfortable, and it is my house. If you don't like it, then you can continue living with your friend." PERIOD.
Strength will have to come from inside you. Make the commitment to yourself to stand up for what is best for YOU. If he is the right man for you, he will CARE about what is right for you, not just what is easier for him.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
Thank you so much for the
Thank you so much for the helpful advice! I have never been good at this stuff.
You may want to consider a
You may want to consider a written agreement signed by both you and BF, with the amount of $ expected to go toward rent/utilities/groceries/etc. Write or type it out and ask him to review it. Also, determine ahead of time what amounts you are willing to negotiate (for example, if 1/2 house payment is $600 but he's only paying $500 rent now, will you accept $500 toward house payment?). This will help you if tend to be passive during discussions. Make your decisions before you engage in talks with BF, that way you won't compromise on your values.
OK, I have to change my
OK, I have to change my opinion here. I just read this ---> "The last couple times this has happened and he moved out I was left with all the bills the we incurred, even though he said that he would help pay on them he never did." I commented on the OP, but didn't notice this revelation. I have to agree with the other STalkers here. This guy is using you. Time to move on.
Thank you, I am looking at
Thank you, I am looking at it at a totally different angle now.
I don't know why "send him
I don't know why "send him to a good homeless shelter" tickled me so good but I just had the best giggle over that.
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"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
"Never let the hand you hold, hold you down." ~Aut
If you don't take care of
If you don't take care of yourself and your kids, who will? Women frequently have trouble saying what they feel in order to avoid confrontation. Girls are raised to be "nice." And women who aren't "nice" are called names. It's stupid and wrong. I've been there. I've seen my own daughter nearly destroy herself over this. So how do you move forward? Do some research on the web about assertiveness. I bet you find some good phrases to use. Do NOT continue to take care of this man. You have a chance to get this right, and you'll feel so good about yourself!
and why are you with him?
and why are you with him? is he that good in bed?
you need to lose him like a
you need to lose him like a bad habit and find someone who deserves you..