Just so very rude. I would stop doing anything for the ones who don't appreciate it.

The message that they do not like you nor are they even willing to tolerate your existence could not be more glaring. They might as well hire a broadcasting truck to drive up and down your street announcing it.

So on your part - just be glad they live across the country and erase them from your life. Don't spend time thinking about them even - much less spending any time or money on them. But maybe most importantly don't discuss them with your DH at all. He doesn't want to hear anything negative and you don't want to hear anything period. Just nod and change the subject if he brings them up.

I agree with you about giving - but there are so many worthy places where one can give presents to people who will appreciate them. And don't just think about Christmas. There are needs all year long.

Is there a Children's Hospital in your area? The families who are dealing with some of the most severe horrid illnesses are often so consumed that they can't find 5 minutes to buy presents for their other children - even if they have the funds. Battered women's shelters often have children living there too. These are usually women and children who often have NOTHING to their names.

I helped organize a group that provides home cooked meals every month to veterans who are living in a group home to get their lives together. Otherwise they are fed hospital food from the VA hospital that is sent across town to them - it feeds them but is pretty grim.

Of course I am now retired so I have time to do things like this now. But even when I was working lots of hours and traveling internationally for business I still found time to do certain volunteer activities. It can be time or money.

Pay back can be a b*tch. For her next birthday send her a framed collage of pictures of you with dh, both of you with your ds and the other sd. Do not include her in any of the pictures. Then write "we both enjoyed your Xmas gift so much, we thought you would like one in return. Happy Birthday." Make sure you dh also signs the Birthday card. If your dh questions why there are none of her, say "why would she want a picture of herself". Do not send anything else along with it or ever again. Erase her out of your life, she no longer exists.

I won't say it doesn't sting, but is it worth the space in our life we give it?

In the past SD2 sent a card that was printed "to Dad", but addressed the envelope to both of us (Mr & Mrs). This year she sent a collage card with pictures of her kids addressed to her father only. Was I upset when I saw it? Of course. But, then I realized I am not surprised and just don't care any more. I don't need their approval.

DH looked at the card and left it on the table. I took it and put it under the other picture cards we received. Eventually it will land in the trash. I am sure SD2 was waiting for DH to call and say how cute the kids looked. However, since they don't answer the phone (you have to leave a message and maybe they'll call you back) DH rarely calls.

I can't change what she does. I can only control my reaction to it.

I think the main one hurting your feelings is YOU.

The truth is, when you and your DH met, your SD was almost an adult. You weren't her new Mom, you didn't raise her, she doesn't love you, and that's fine. Your expectations are unrealistic.

If I had to guess, I would suppose the last 16 years of you trying to force emotions that aren't there, rather than relaxing, has likely driven wedge even harder and bigger than it ever needed to be.

It's perfectly fine that she doesn't see you as a parental figure and never did. The only issue I see in your whole complaint is that DH was excluded a guest but BM was not. However, that issue is for DH to take up with SD, and actually doesn't really involve you much. If DH doesn't have a problem with it, why do you expect MORE from SD?

It seems to me your anger is projected on the wrong places, and on the wrong person.

Time to let go of her. When people show you who they are, believe them.

Sorry for your loss of your daughter and mother.

I think it's very clear your SD does not like you. It is so normal in step-world, and I would not take it personally. I know that sounds ridiculous, because it does hurt so very personally, but put it down to the wonderful world of step-life and try to move past it

Let go of any expectations Re SD. Especially since she is an adult. The best thing to do with such pictures is do not say anything about them! Then you can slowly move them out of sight.

I could have written your post 5 years ago. I supported DH while he put SD through college, and paid for her gifts, meals out, lodging, etc., for years. I never received a 'thank you' from either she or DH for my efforts, and never once received a decent gift or card or kind word from her. She even became angry one year when DH acknowledged that it was my Birthday - I guess I stole the spotlight for a few seconds! The more I paid in money or time or thought, the nastier SD became. I finally got tired of it, told DH he could pay for his family, I would pay for mine. Plus, I quit reminding DH of birthdays, etc. DH was not as generous when it came out of his pocket, nor was he good at remembering dates.

One year SD gave DH the same 'collage' with pictures of he and SD, and a picture of her wedding, along with a large unframed photo of SD and her husband. DH handed them to me to take care of framing and hanging. His mistake. First, I hung the collage in the guest room, the wedding picture on the TV, and the large photo in the hallway. As SD's behavior worsened, the pictures moved. The large photo was moved behind a hallway door which hid it most of the time, then to the back of a closet along with the collage. The wedding picture was 'lost' when I replaced it with Christmas decorations and then "just couldn't find it." There have been a few times DH has asked about them, and I calmly say, "They're around here someplace", and leave the room.

One of the best gifts I gave to myself was to stop investing into the relationship with SD - especially any mental energy. It's been 5 years since I've seen SD (after one of her extreme tantrums),and I'm not planning on renewing communication. It gets better with each year that passes, and I can guarantee it will get better for you too.

SS30 and his GF gave DH a picture of themselves last year. DH never took it out of the car or showed it to me. I found it under a seat when I was looking for something. I didn't throw it away. But I haven't a clue where it is now, nor I'm sure does DH.

You’ve doing nothing wrong. Your own advice at the bottom of your post sounds perfect --I've decided I'm not going to be the gift giver to this SD and one of my SS's, who just shows up long enough to pick up his present and leave, so on.

Of course SM or dad’s wife is going to want to be included. It doesn’t matter when you met. And you are not at fault for having high expectations, as if to be treated like shat should be every SM’s expectations from the get-go with Stepkids. I don’t think so. Although I admit some of us here do feel that way.

But, what you do need to do is, and I’m saying this to myself too because I’m also struggling to move on from shat treatment myself: 1) Realize that SD is not going to change. Her dad has given her permission or the power to treat you like shat over the years, so SD thinks this is okay and she will continue to do so. Even if dad were to try to correct or put his foot down now, it probably won’t do much good.

2) Work on educating your DH. Let’s face it, men will get away with what they can, and of course they are going to want their wife taking the heat. Tell your DH if he won’t support you as being treated as a couple with his kids, he gets to deal with it all and I do mean it all himself. No more you buying presents, giving reminders, gift wrapping, you giving any money towards anything involving them, etc. Believe me it will be a much longer list than either you, he or stepkids realize. No more you being a doormat and paying the price for someone else’s divorce.

3) Like so many others have suggested here and keep suggesting, go where you are celebrated, not tolerated or treated like shat. Another thing, is that kids can have a lot of contempt for their dad after the divorce whether he was truly at any fault or not. A lot of going after from the stepkids has to do with them trying to get back at their dad by going after you! If you are not doing things for them, stepkids don’t have a target.

I am so sorry for the loss of your child and the death of your mother during the holidays making the time bittersweet. For your own sake, stop doing anything for these people. This daughter of his makes it patently obvious that she wants nothing to do with you, so give her that. It will ultimately be a gift for yourself as well. I am the same way, I love giving gifts, and don't expect in return, but when flat out hostile messages are sent I think it's time to stop. If you feel the need to truly do something, contribute funds to whatever your husband purchases. You will both know that you did it even if his daughter refuses to acknowledge it. I would get that collage out of the bedroom. Why do you want them in a space that is supposed to be about you and your spouse? Put the darn thing in the living room, but someplace inconspicuous if it causes you pain. Hopefully your husband realizes that you have made the effort, and will understand.

Sadly, this situation never seems to change. My one friend had two adult children, grown, married, children of their own, and they go out of their way to make any woman he meets uncomfortable. I know because I have witnessed it. The behaviors range from just pretending the individual does not exist to remarks like "who asked for your opinion" to "dad, what do you see in her?" To his discredit my friend will either hang his head or say something week like "now girls." He never defends them. It is truly dreadful. The daughters are both in their mid 30s and show no signs of changing. He also shows no signs of taking control of his own life. When I asked him why he subjects these women to his daughters he always says with great disappointment, "I thought things would be different, this time would be better!"

Save your sanity, don't deal with her.

dr joe Dispenza...utube...awesome information on how the stress these step relationships is making us physically sick if we continue to allow it...lengthy, but well worth your time....

I, too, received a Christmas gift from the SD. She had DH and I sit together so that we cold open it together. It was a collage of SD, SKIDS and even one of DH with the SKIDS, of course no picture of me. I smiled, told her it was lovely and moved on.

I need to go back to therapy to have someone to talk to. I had done really well keeping her at a distance but her manipulative ways have reared its ugly head even more than before. She recently told DH that I'm pretty much responsible for everything that's gone wrong in her life (story to be posted later). Funny, because she's 40 and I've only been in DH's life for ten years. I never knew I had that much power.