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For The Love Of God...WHY???

meshel's picture

Dont get me wrong , I luv my DH very much.....but today I feel he provoked a new war w/ ex. Recently her husband & I , have written all e-mail corrospondence about the kids & visitation plans, he writes them now because in the past, she cant control her temper enough to communicate, her husband is no expert, but does a better job, and it keeps her out of trouble. I write back to him because I can keep my cool (unless under personal attack) and it keeps everything buisness like. It was to be a New Year resolution......Well, their is now a problem, the last 2 e-mails sent by them, although not rude, have been kind of "dictating" in nature. I have been willing to let it go for the sake of sanity, and would rather pick my battles, so to speak. Well , my DH got fed up today, he is tired of being TOLD what to do, is tired of them using the kids to make visitation plans, they are 14,&13, they sometimes want to ask them what they think about any changes to the schedule, before giving us an answer, stuff like that. I see it as a silly way that they use to try to "control" what little they have left. My DH wrote the e-mail today, in RE: to plans about the kids, and it was not, IMO, the best response....was pretty snappy, & I know it will start a "drama-episode". It always has in the past, and it can be HELL . Sometimes I feel they are trying to make us snap, just to get something I was doing the opposite. I tried to tell him not to send it, and we disscussed what could happen, but he was pretty upset so it was no use. He even said that if it starts a war, he does not care, he will fight all over again. Soooo of course when this happens, I will have to put up w/ the "fall-out". My DH wonders why his "ex will not leave him alone" & "stay out of his life", "move on", and things like that, but then he does this today. I understand he does not want to bend over for them, and do everything they want, how they want, but I dont feel we are. And IMO, its just not worth fighting over, maybe its just me, but save it for the "big stuff" right?? This also dredges up ALOT of past anger for my DH, and some of the things she did to him in the past were pathetic, but, if I have to hear these stories again,.... I WILL ABSOLUTLY LOSE IT!!!! I love my DH, and he is a dream come true for me in all other aspects, but this, I am afraid will hurt us, and I just cant take anymore. I have an ex too, and I would never let him "own" me like this....or disrupt my family. HELP.


Nymh's picture

Your DH is still in the stage where he is allowing what they say to affect his personal feelings. It will take a while before he gets to the point where them being rude or dictatorial will not affect him so badly. If he could just keep things businesslike, everything would be fine. If he disagrees with something that they've said, there are ways to make that known without going off the deep end. But it will take some time for your DH to let go of the anger and pain to be able to control himself that way.

We can discuss things and have plans of action and know exactly what to do in case BM calls and starts her crap...but when she does finally call, and he knows exactly what he's supposed to do, BF still sometimes allows her to get him "all riled up". He participates in banter which is completely inappropriate. In short, he "falls for it". Yes, it is disappointing, and I see every instance of this as a minor setback...but they're becoming fewer and farther between, so I know we're making progress. Eventually he will have harnessed his anger and pain and won't give in to her puppet games anymore.

Eventually he will come to understand that in order for her to stay out of his life, he need to quit giving her the reins. Every time he gives in to an argument or starts a war is another battle won for BM. I know it probably doesn't help to hear that "it'll all work out" because that doesn't change the fact that it's happening now...but maybe a little light at the end of the tunnel can help you feel a little better about the situation.

Try not to focus on the here and now...maybe you could have a discussion with DH to this effect (what I've said and what I'm sure others will say below) and hopefully he will be able to see the logic?

*~So sayeth Nymh~*