Dealing with Death
I am so disgusted by the behavior of both my SO's kids, I don't even know if I can continue to even be civil when/if I see them. I began to disengage after the holidays last year, and recent events have only strengthened my resolve to continue do so.
In a nutshell, these individuals are the two of the most self-absorbed and shameful people I have had the misfortune to run across in my middle-aged lifetime.
Here's what has driven this home: My SO's father just passed away - the skids paternal grandfather. This man was the most kind, gentle and generous person you could imagine. He went through incredible hardship in his life - war, bombings, starvation, etc. but had no animosity or anger towards anyone. He was a fun-loving, kind and generous grandfather. He and his wife were together for almost 60 years, so grandmom is really feeling the loss.
My SO has a 27 year old son and a 24 year old daughter. The son cut off all contact with his dad a few years ago completely out of the blue - without any fight or discussion. The 24 daughter is self-absorbed and like her brother, has led a spoiled and pampered life. Neither of them had to work a day of their lives until they graduated college and found full-time jobs. The SD still sees her dad but only when it's convenient for her. She rarely reaches out to him and expects him to keep in touch with HER. IMO, much of this behavior has been driven by BM, who has encouraged alienation from my SO and his family.
Granddad was hospitalized for a week before his death, and initially was coherent and still able to talk. My SO sent an e-mail warning notice to both SD and SS about their granddad's serious condition, the son never even responded. (My SO even asked his daughter to have BM call SS, too, to make sure he knew about it - which she supposedly did.) When granddad then died, the son never responded either. No one has heard a peep out of him.
The SD didn't call her granddad before he died, and afterwards she never called her grandmom or her father to talk to them. She did respond to SO's email, however, saying she was sorry to hear granddad passed away and sent her "love". She then had to be prompted at least twice by family members over two days to send a few words which would be read on her behalf at the service.
The SD also said she couldn't get off work to attend the funeral but I have a feeling it had more to do with the high price of last-minute airfare since she mentioned the price in her note to her dad. I think she was waiting for him to offer to pay even though she is employed full-time and makes apx $70K a year so is not destitute. She does have an all-inclusive vacation scheduled to a legendary party locale which will go on as planned next week, however.
I can't even begin to understand the pain my SO is going through right now, with the death of his beloved father and the complete and virtual disregard his "kids" have displayed throughout this sad time. I am also deeply saddened for grandmom, because she is also getting no regard whatsoever from these grandchildren.
Not looking for any advice really. Just expressing sorrow that such a wonderful man passed from this earth without a damn phone call or significant interest from either of these two grandkids - who are adults and fully responsible for their actions.
The Bard had it right, "How sharper than a serpent's tooth to have a thankless child." I am now convinced these two are truly monsterous spawn.
If this is what parenthood can look like, I am glad I am childless.
My sisters have no
My sisters have no relationship with my father and that is horrible. These kids have no clue what a loss they have suffered. My father has come to terms with it. Your DH will to. It is sad, but I think sometimes the lack of drama is worth it with these kind of people. I love my sisters but they are not worth the stress they would place on my Dad.
Wise words Jsmom. At least
Wise words Jsmom. At least this way, OP, your DH has escaped greedy and narcissistic comments being uttered at the deathbed -- which they likely would have been with vipers like these. Then they would have rung in his ears for ever. Silence is golden here. Be glad yourself too, for it is a sign that they will not intrude on your own grief should DH predecease you. The posts on that sort of subject that come up occasionally on ST are really some of the most painful.
Poodle, JSmom you bring up a
Poodle, JSmom you bring up a good point about silence being golden. That's awfully hard to accept by their grandmother and father, though. But after this experience, I do worry what will transpire when/if something happens to my SO. I can only assume the skids will have a similar reaction to whatever happens to their own father. At least now I have a preview of their behavior.
Not raised by wolves, but
Not raised by wolves, but raised by a manipulative BM who taught the skids their paternal line of the family had less value than her own.
The fundamental point of my post wasn't "all this drama" about the funeral. It's about the fact that these self-absorbed skids don't give a damn about their father nor their father's family nor what happens to any of them.
And hopefully we can all attain your wonderful point of indifference about death and old people. As for me, I am glad I still have enough "drama" in me to mourn the loss of loved ones, no matter their age, while still celebrating their lives.
Yes, respect and honor.
Yes, respect and honor. Things these two "humans" evidently know nothing of. Many species of animals even exhibit grief at the loss of one of their kind.
And the fundamental fact is that ALL people die - including skids! }:)
First of all, my condolences
First of all, my condolences on the loss of your dear father in law. I totally get how you feel. Self centered, self absorbed skids.
My DH asked his daughter to come to the funeral home when her grandmother died. She was probably 23 at the time. She said, no she had plans. She was going to Red Lobster for dinner.
Yet, anytime she gets a hangnail, the whole world is suppose to stop and kiss her boo boo. :sick:
Red Lobster over her
Red Lobster over her grandmother's funeral. Wow. Words cannot even be expressed to describe the shamefulness of that! How in the world can a man hear such things from his adult child and still maintain contact??
Thanks, Catmom. Since
Thanks, Catmom. Since granddad was a simple, hard-working man of modest means, there is no financial reward to be haggled over. Perhaps another reason the skids don't give a crap.
LOL Catmom2!! I agree.
LOL Catmom2!! I agree.
What a sad situation... my
What a sad situation... my heart goes out to your DH - he is really in a sandwich between two pretty bitter truths: one is that he lost his father to old age and illness, and the other that he had lost his children to ... Selfishness? Brain-washing? Absence of familial bond?
It is amazing to me how all these scenarios are the same. I have posted myself and read other members' posts on the same issue - death in dad's family - and the skids are all cut from the same cloth... makes me think of King Lear, to chime in on your Shakespearean quote, 2tired.
Anyway, I am so sorry for your family's loss. The skids are adding insults to injury: instead of jumping at the opportunity to be closer to their dad and gradnma at the time of real crisis they are MIA. They are too damaged to be of any use to anyone. But it could be worse, actually, they could start actively attacking. Mine did - again, after a death in the family.
When DH's brother suddenly died 2 years ago skids showed no attempts at sharing in DH's grief or trying to comfort him, instead in response to his emails begging them to come and be with him ( he took it VERY hard, it was the 3rd death in his family in as many years) they turned on him and *verbally* smacked him until he was black and blue and practically bleeding on the floor (not literally). It was the first time i saw with my own eyes what cruelty they are capable of, and I could never warm up to them ever again.
They ARE monsters. BM has interfered with their moral and emotional development, and raised them to believe DH's family is inferior to hers. All personality-disordered BMs seem to make a point of preaching that. DH should have never allowed that hatred to take root. But these women pick passive men to marry that they can easily control. Cruel, disgusting behavior of our grown skids is an example of their fathers reaping what was sown a long time ago, under their noses, and took years to come to fruition.
I am glad your DH has you to lean on. Good for you for being childless... However, parenthood is NOT about enabling egoists. Your skids have not been raised with family values. If i was their father, i would get a hold of them and read them the riot act right now about not being there for their grandmother. It is NOT OK to ignore your loved ones at this time (no matter how little love they are capable of). I would not hesitate to tell my child to cancel all plans.... death takes priority over fun.
Pilgrim, thank you very much
Pilgrim, thank you very much for your insightful and thoughtful response. Right now I cannot imagine how much worse it can be, but I do know that it indeed could be - your example illustrates that.
You are right on both counts when saying these damaged people are the result of an amalgam of vindictive/mentally damaged/manipulative BMs and fathers who refuse to rock the BM's boat - either to avoid confrontation or because they are weak-willed.
I do believe my SO now understands the full ramifications of his non-action in response to BM's manipulations. He has essentially lost both of his children.
While I had held out hope over the past 10 years that things would change when they became adults, I no longer have that hope.
The hardest part for me is that I do agree that their dad needs to verbally kick their a$$ at this point. But I know he won't. I am a fighter and idealist by nature and let me tell you if these were my kids they would have such an earful they'd have tinnitus for the next ten years!
I know I will never ever consider either of them with a shred of respect from now on. The next time I see SD, it will take all my strength to give her a civil greeting. And that's all she'll get from me from now on. I'm done with both of them. Even if the SS decides to reconcile at some point in the future. His father can forgive him if he chooses - I won't.
Again, thank you for your post. It was most helpful for me in putting this all in perspective.