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The PRICKLY PARENT

Stick's picture

From Children of the Self-Absorbed by Nina Brown...

THE PRICKLY PARENT (this is also BM and SD's response)

"The prickly self-absorbed parent is very demanding and expects prompt and accurate compliance with her needs, whether or not these needs were verbally conveyed. Others are expected to "do the right thing", to always "do it right", without ever having an adequate explanation for what "right" means for this parent. Deviations from the self-absorbed parent's internal understanding of "right" cannot be tolerated, and the child endures constant criticism and other negative comments. This parent can also be very touchy, sensing disapproval, criticism, and blame from almost everything that is said and done, whether or not that is what was meant. As a consequence, others can always be on edge around this parent, are careful in what they do and say, and continue to try to "get it right" or withdraw physically and/or emotionally.

Behaviors and attitudes:
critical and criticizing
never completely satisfied
picky- everything must be done to her perceptions and standards
demands perfection
hypersensitive to perceived criticism
blames others when she is uncomfortable, and also blames you when you are uncomfortable
makes demeaning or devaluing comments to and about others
takes offense easily
nags"

This is our BM.. Sad

Comments

Conflicted's picture

Uh..... this actually sounds like me :jawdrop:

OMG.... SERIOUSLY.... what do I do to change this?! Something has to change.... I'm making myself and my household miserable....

Stick's picture

Conflicted!! Honey - Just by you asking for help right there... basically says that you aren't narcissistic. Generally, as I understand it - and I could be wrong - but as I understand it... Narcissists do not recognize these behaviors in themselves or try to change themselves. They do say that all of us do have some narcissism... it's just when it gets out of hand, or rules our life that it is an issue.

If you really feel this way, you could try to get the book, or get yourself some counseling.

It sounds to me like you might be just emotionally exhausted trying to take control of the situation at home because you feel so out of control.

* Hugs honey *

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Shell97's picture

This also describes the BM that I deal with....so far she fits into 2 of the 4. I am definitely going to get this book now. That way I can read the entire thing and possibly have my SD read it since she is now living with us and is seeing things differently with BM and how BM lies to get what BM wants or guilt trips/manipulates SD to get what BM wants.

Thanks for posting this Stick....it really explains a lot to me about the BM I deal with.

Stick's picture

Hey Shell! I'm so glad this helps others! It really gave DH and I both some relief.

I just wanted to send you a note to be careful or talk to a therapist about showing it to your SD. I wanted to show it to my SD over here as she is in counseling and really going through a lot with her mom.

The therapist said that SD is not ready for this. She is doing the work, and getting there. She has even asked both me and her therapist "what is wrong with my mom?" ...but it's too much for her right now.

So you may want to get it to read it for yourself.... but I'm not sure when the appropriate time is to show it to your SD.

Best wishes to you!!!

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Shell97's picture

Thank you stick. I am most certainly going to get this book for myself to read and then I will discuss it with my SD15's therapist. My SD15 is going through a lot right now too and a good portion of it is because of BM. So, I am not going to show it to SD without discussing it with her therapist first. But thank you for posting this info, it really has opened my eyes.

Jon-Boy's picture

I am picky.
critical and criticizing (I do this)
never completely satisfied (I may seem this way)(Maybe I move on to the next goal to quickly)
picky- everything must be done to her perceptions and standards (My perceptions? YOU MEAN? Uh CRAP!)
demands perfection (I want at least a good effort!)
hypersensitive to perceived criticism (Oh Gawd, yeah don't ever think you can sum me up. I will tell you what you don't understand about me.) Eh... this one I don't like about myself. I am Mr. misunderstood...
Sometimes I need to not worry about what someone thinks about me. it's a waste of energy.

I hit most of these perty much dead center, right on target.
Or is this what I percive parenting to be about?
maybe good direction and leadership can be done. And the way a child ends up, can still be bad?
If I parent? and they make the wrong choices? can I feel like this is no reflection of me?
Or would I consume my thoughts with the question, Where did I go wrong?

I hear your name called out a bunch in this web site Stick.
I guess I am starting to see why.
Good stuff here!
Thanks!

Stick's picture

Jon-Boy - I had read this response... and then read your blog about Anger! What a great blog!

If you are concerned that you are narcissistic, I don't think you need to be! As I understand the disorder, narcissistics do NOT do much self-evaluating. It's everyone else's problem - not theirs!

But your questions are interesting!! You are right... Good Parenting is not letting the kids slide. It is asking for a good effort! And everything I have read said that we all NEED some narcissism in our lives. Did you ever see A Clockwork Orange? And how the main character was sooo violent, it was disturbing and horrible. But when they took away all of his violence, they took away his ability to protect himself. I think of narcissism like that. We need enough in our psyche to protect ourselves.

Everything in moderation... just like my favorite margaritas!!

We all know the difference between asking for a good effort and demanding perfection!! An example of a Prickly parent that I would suggest is more along the lines of how BM over here criticizes SD for the littlest things. Like - SD's school pictures. Every year, BM says something to SD along the lines of "... Ohhh why didn't you smile more? " "Ugh... you wore your hair like that?" It's a gentle reminder that SD is not what BM would like her to look like in her photo. And completely damaging for no reason. Really, who cares if your 9th grade photo is not perfect??

Another example... SD being hurt by something BM did.. "Oh SD you're too sensitive. I'm just being my fun self and you are too sensitive." Indicating that SD is the one who is "faulty" and BM is the "standard"!

I fully agree that there are some kids who are going to end up bad, no matter how great their parents are. There is some genetics involved, so we can only control so much, you know? We can change nurture.... we can't change nature.

In my opinion, if we make the wrong choices, it's because we're HUMAN. I have made some bad decisions. I think we could start a whole blog about bad decisions we've all made!! ha!! That could actually be funny!!

But we are only human. We are "putting forth the good effort"... even if it's not perfect!

I think our fear of our reflection in our children is why we all stress so much... but it goes back to how much influence we really have... and how much is out of our control.

I hope you don't let the "what if's" consume you.... that sh*t will kill you if you let it!!

Thanks for the kind words! I really appreciate them! Sometimes I get called out and the reasons aren't that good!! Wink

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Jon-Boy's picture

- Stick
I did not see that movie...sounds interesting.
I won't let the "what ifs" consume me.
And I don't think I am narcissistic...

I'll ponder a thought or two till I get some answers.
(I'm just a crack head that way.) Blum 3

DoingItAgain's picture

Stick, in what you've read, do you think a parent can be narcissistic but not with their child? My EH seems to fit most of the description of a narcissist but never when it comes to his child... at least not yet. As I noted in another blog, his life revolves around the child... the child always comes first. If his child is ever hurt, he feels incredible hurt for the child... he feels this for any child hurt. But with adults? An absolute jerk!

I found this... the 9 warning signs of NPD... I think my EH fits most of this:

1) Narcissists refrain from introspection, rarely discussing memories, dreams or thoughts of self-analysis
2) Cause and effect are foreign ideas as nothing is ever a narcissist's fault. Personal accountability is an unknown concept.
3) Narcissists are unable to relate the process of how they learned a lesson about themselves or the world at large.
4) Self-improvement rarely enters a narcissist's realm as the narcissist already sees him or herself as perfect, superior and above most others. If efforts are taken, generally it is done for manipulation's purpose: to get something he or she wants. At the same time, they are very good at pointing out everyone else's faults, shortcomings or handicaps.
5) Narcissists do not share thoughts, feelings or dreams of their own. Rather if thoughts are shared, they quote others, rarely thinking for themselves. When asked to elaborate or explain how they came to such a conclusion, unless it's scripted, they cannot. Ask where the opinion came from, few will source this information as to do so takes the spotlight from them and places it on another. If feelings are shared, they'll respond with what is expected and they perceive to be the answer you want to hear based upon behavior they've seen in others. When pressed to elaborate, they cannot.
6) Narcissists consider themselves superior and never ask for collaboration in problem solving. Rather, they prefer to find someone else to do it and then minimize their contribution, taking the glory or ignoring the contribution all together.
7) When asked about their past, narcissists are vague and ambiguous. Childhood friends, siblings and others hold no importance unless they can be used to make the narcissist seem more important than he or she is.
Dirol Empathy is a foreign language. Narcissists are void of empathy and cannot "put the situation on the other foot to look at it from both sides."
9) People are tools to narcissists, not human beings. A narcissist sees no problem with using people to attain his objectives and does not care if he destroys others in the process because his needs, objectives or agenda are the only thing that matters. He is superior and everyone else is here to serve him, the legend in his own mind. The God complex illustrates why physical contact rather than long-distance relationships are needed. This type of behavior surfaces through interaction with others, specifically family and friends. If you are not there, you won't see it.

DoingItAgain's picture

From what I recall, I think his dad ran off when he was young. I don't think he has many memories of him. Mom, left the kids (3 or 4 of them) with no food in some apt or hotel until CPS found them and they were placed in foster care. I think he was around 8 at this time and was in foster care until he was 16. In the meantime, mom remarried and had another 'family' (3 more kids).

Thinking about it now, would this explain the narcissistic behavior??? Isn't NPD basically over-exaggeration of self-preservation... due from the severe trauma of his childhood?

Stick's picture

Hey Loving... I actually asked SD's therapist about NPD because while BM fits some of the criteria, she also does not fit some of the others...

However, one thing you wrote really struck me and that is how your Ex "hurts when his child hurts".

In a therapy session, BM was saying to SD ... "When you hurt, I hurt 10000 times worse!"... But we have come to realize that she doesn't hurt for SD... she hurts for herself.... if that makes any sense.

Also... SD's therapist said that BM over here is more Histrionic in her opinion. So it could be that your Ex has a combination of NPD with something else. Or, that he is viewing his children as an extension of himself. So while he feels for them, it's mostly because of the effect it has on him.. not them. I'm really very new to all of it, and just reading reading reading.

I did see that, as you say, they attribute NPD to self-preservation - severe trauma from childhood. In your Ex's case, I could see how that could definitely fit. What a horrible story. I feel so bad for him. Even if he can be a jerk.... I'm guessing it's all he knows on how to survive. It's so sad.

In our BM's case over here... it's a little weird. DH doesn't feel that his ex-wife had trauma.... he feels that she had more of the "golden child", complete spoiling, and constant attention to the tune of "you are better than anyone and DESERVE a man to support you" etc. That's the attitude she grew up with.

I wish I knew more to help Loving.... And I hope that your Ex doesn't rub off on or worse, do these behaviors to your child. SD over here asked her therapist if she was "emotionally abused". SD came away with the thought that she wasn't since BM didn't INTEND to "hurt" her. But when I met with SD's therapist, she had said to me that she did NOT give an answer to that question, Yes or No... So there is some aspect of emotional abuse as far as I can tell.

I hope that you find strength... and I hope that someday your Ex finds some peace. I don't know how people can do that to children.... and to see him grown up like that is just really tragic to me.

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Jon-Boy's picture

That explains why he feels no one can care for his child like he can.

He was abandoned from his father, abandoned from mom. who knows what he was exposed to in foster care.
There was no one in his life but himself.
I believe you told me about his best friend being sentenced with child molestation charges.
So he has been around lies throughout his life.
Who can Dickhead trust?
Not a soul...
He is in his 50's and walks this earth with a chip on his shoulder and believes there is no one who will be there for him. Except his son.
This is his only thing he has in his life.

I can see the reasons why he hates me with every bone in his body. I am the biggest threat to him right now.
His life has been full of what he has lost. How can he see anything but that. I have a different respect/view of him now. I wish I could reason with him and let him know I am not here to take his son away from him. I know I have tried to in the past, it is probably to late, it is probably useless. Not sure what to do but pray for him now.

(Father please hear me pray for Phil, please soften his heart and for him to be at peace. Help him with all his pain. give him strength to trust again. Please protect him from anymore losses happening to him.
In Jesus Name
AMEN)