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Daddy Dearest Day - What's your experience?

2Tired4Drama's picture

Sigh ... here it is, the eve of yet another Father's Day. 

I have already noticed my SO's change in demeanor in the last few days - what with all the heart-felt advertising, feature stories on TV, etc. regarding how much we all love dear old dad.  In my SO's case, it's always a big unknown as to what (if anything) SD28 will do to recognize him.  

In the meantime, I get to live with a somewhat crabby and assy-acting man because I know in the back of his mind he is wondering (and wishing) that his princess will recognize him.  I expect she will at least send him a text, and maybe a phone call where (according to him) she usually yawns throughout and getting her to have an actual conversation is like pulling teeth.  He says most of her input in single syllable answers (yes, no, OK) to him trying to get her to converse like an adult. 

I think it's a bit more emotional for him this year since he is going to be a grandfather as SD is pregnant with first child.  I am sure in the back of his mind he is wondering what kind of role he will have in this grandkid's life. 

I am all for disengaging when it comes to SD and I don't even try to bring her up unless absolutely necessary.  But when her action/inaction is cause for his bad behavior towards me, I have to try doubly-hard not to scream:  IT'S NOT MY DAMN FAULT THAT YOU RAISED A SELF-ABSORBED A-HOLE SO DON'T TAKE IT OUT BY NITPICKING ON ME!!!

Just wondering if any of you experience the same thing - are you the emotional whipping post for these men who take it out on you in subtle or not so subtle ways, when it's actually their own ADULT children who are disappointing them?  

If so, do tell... at least we are not alone in experiencing this!

notasm3's picture

In the decade I’ve been with Dh I do not think Dh has so much has received a phone call from ss34 on Father’s Day. But ss has certainly called a zillion times asking for stuff. 

Fortunately my Dh doesn’t seem to care. I guess he’s just used to it. And he rarely does anything for ss these days after decades of trying to help ss be a better person. 

NeverBirthedEither's picture

My 20 year old step son hasn't contacted my husband on Father's day in the 10 years that I have known them. SS contacts dad every time money is owed for school or he wants to come for a relaxing visit away from younger siblings, but that's it. I think it's sad and I feel awful for my husband but all he sees is the contact, regardless of the intent

sandye21's picture

Same here.  We've been married for over 28 years and I've yet to see SD do anything for Father's Day - even a phone call.  Nothing.  Up until recently DH would run to the mailbox over and over again, and check the recorder on the phone - nothing.  And then the fun would begin, where he would get snappy or passive-aggressive with me.  I finally stopped playing the game.  If he wanted to take his anger and disappointment out he could find someone else.

I also started making a big deal of Father's Day, giving him a card and small gift from the animals.  Seemed to work but as with many of us, I am still wondering if I am going to be a target again.  Too bad we just can;t be honest and say, "It's not right she forgot you again" and "IT'S NOT MY DAMN FAULT THAT YOU RAISED A SELF-ABSORBED A-HOLE SO DON'T TAKE IT OUT BY NITPICKING ON ME!!!" but then that might open up all of the painful stuff we've both been holding at bay by not talking about it.

I sincerely hope your DH doesn't get captured and manipulated by the first child 'carrot'.  Good luck.

 

Cover1W's picture

OSD will not acknowledge the day, again.

No idea what YSD is doing, she hasn't asked for help. I'm guessing she's not going to do anything either.

I'm oot until tomorrow afternoon, but will pick up something DH likes for dinner on my way home so neither of us has to cook.

That's the day. I know it's going to bring up isseues for DH so if he wants to talk I will listen.

Gimlet's picture

Both skids are adults (technically)  but neither of them will make an effort.  

DH has been talking to his counselor about it and while he loves them and will leave an open door, he's slowly letting go.  I'm just here to support him because I am 100% over these kids. 

We will have a nice day and I'll give him space when he's quiet.  Not much more I can do about it. 

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

Yes I’m emotional whipping boy for stepkids bad behaviour. Except my DH pretends his kids don’t speak to him and blah blah, and when I asked to see a message the other day (I was puzzled cos he always says she takes a month getting back to him). So anyway the messages were all ending in xxx like they were having a love affair blurggh sd. So anyway I’m not putting up with his sulking anymore I used to feel sorry for him. 

tog redux's picture

My SS is supposed to come over tomorrow (not specifically related to Father's Day). Let's see if he even comes over, or if he does, if he says so much as Happy Father's day.  I doubt it.

momjeans's picture

Skid is here in our city/state every Father’s Day, because summer visitation. 

It’s one of the very few times during the year that I go all out for DH, gift wise. It’s really a hit or miss what skid will get or do for him with the aid of MIL. It’s usually a truly funky gift that required little to no thought and/or lunch out with skid, our bios, and the in-laws. 

I also work a half day tomorrow, so they’re free to love fest it up while I’m not around to see it. 

BM used to snub DH on Father’s Day SO HARD, back in the day and right after the CO was put in place regarding visitation. She’d already conveniently plan for skid to be, or be doing, somewhere/something else on that day. It was no coincidence. It was on purpose.

Disillusioned's picture

With OSD, DH has resigned himself to not expecting much

In the past, there was always a family get together, and usually both DH and FIL were acknowledged. 

YSD would be sweet and wonderful and OSD less so, sometimes much less so, but it was usually okay

DH knows OSD carries a lot of resentment, so on the years with much less acknowledgement from her he usually ignores it

One year she didn't acknowledge hm at all and while I know it hurt him, he brushed it off to her never ending anger, resentment and need to pay him back

This year since she's once again cut DH out of her life, he will hear nothing from her most likely but he has his head around it for the most part

Not that this won't hurt him as the day comes to an end and she has ignored him totally, and even worse that he doesn't get to see sgkids

YSD on the other hand, if DH doesn't hear from her then he will be very hurt and upset

We shall see what tomorrow will bring 

disrestep's picture

Nope, you are not alone. I had a DH with one cranky day last week. He, of course, blamed it on being tired, but I doubt it. 

My guess to what started DH's mood swing was: last week, adult skid #1 started with constant phone calls to DH, basically "begging" him per DH, to come see the gskids for Father's Day weekend. Mmmm, skid#1 using gskids as pawn, ugh. So, DH makes a stupid excuse why he can't go, because he has no man parts to tell of skid #1, what he told me that he "can't stand being around those screaming kids for hours." 

For some reason, I thought it was Father's Day and not Gskid's Day? As usual, the adult skids are making everything about the gskids and using gskids as pawn to the point where it is really so obvious. Never mind, the self-absorbed, adult jerks, do not send DH even a card on Father's Day and usually do not call him either on that day. But that goes for DH's bday and holidays too.

then, adult skid #2 and his disrespectful DW decided to enlist the help of a relative to track DH down at a job, while DH is working mind you, to ask DH if he would like to attend an annual family outing with them for Father's Day weekend, (skid#2 and their inlaws). Including the wives of these people. Of course Disrestep is not invited, but Disrestep doesn't care nor would want to go. Interesting Adult skid #2 won't even contact DH, relative of DIL has to do this. The only way the relative knew where DH was was because adult skid #2 had to tell relative.

So, after DH gives another excuse to busy body relative why he can't go, this relative informs DH he is going to bring the gskids to the job DH is at. DH says to me after, "why are they doing this?" I just looked at him and shook my head. But, that's right, it's Father's Day weekend, so let your inlaws watch the gskids.

DH now says he doesn't know what to expect next and said the relative stalking him where he is working at is odd and wonders what they will try to pull today? Busy body relative was also fishing for information about Disrestep and her family for some reason. Weird. 

Poor DH, he makes a comment we should move to a different state way up North to get away from them. My response to that was "If you feel that way, why don't you tell them what you tell me?" I know the answer to that already though...he just can't stand to be seen as the bad guy and God knows what else.

Should be an interesting day today as far as DH's mood goes.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Seems like this syndrome is not unusual.  Not that it makes it any easier for all of us, but at least we know we aren't imagining things when it comes to our DH/SO's behavior.

Now that Fathers Day is here, the tension is palpable.  My SO has been up at the crack of dawn and is doing all kinds of little chores to keep himself mentally occupied, I'm sure.   The reality is he can't stand to sit still when he is DESPERATELY wishing his princess will call him, say Happy Fathers Day, yawn a few times, and then say she has to go.  That scrap will be enough to make him happy once again.  

 

SugarSpice's picture

my dh will get cards as an after thought a few days after the holiday has passed.  the skids are all adults and know when fathers day is an yet choose not to make enough of a priority of it to get a card on time.  sometimes they dont even call.  when or if they do call dh will drop everything and get on the phone gushing like an idiot.  the skids will take this opportunity to ask for things like money.  dh gleefully complies.

in my house dh also takes it out on me when his children dont call.  the heck with that.  it dh is testy i let him have it with the naked truth that his children dont care enough to call him or get a card to him on time.  then he shuts up.

Dovina's picture

Fathers day, Christmas Day, his birthday he is all moody until he gets the royal call/ visit. They decided this year  we would all go out and Dovina can join them YAY so happy!!! NOT>  and daddeee was happy as can be and had to show SD just how appreciative he is of her...so he payed the bill for everyone. I wasnt going to open my wallet again, I already took him out the night before for a fathers day dinner.  Did he get a card from her, nope. Did he get a gift from her, nope. All that is needed is to be blessed with her presence NOT presents ;)  But hey isnt that whats fathers day is about, no need for material gifts, just a day where he can tell his DD how special she is. Hallmark Cards have it all wrong!  What a great guy. Oh and it was cold outside while on a patio. I was shivering and so was pwecious SD...guess who he gave his jacket to??? You got it, so needless to say its really chilly here now. SIGH

sandye21's picture

What is so sickening about this whole scenario is just how common this is.  I went trough this for years and every time it chipped Away my respect for DH.  I mean, would they slobber all over themselves like that for us?  And we know the answer is no.  It really touched a nerve when you mentioned how DH gave SD his jacket instead of you.  I can remember DH going out of his way to find the perfect birthstone necklace for SD - no worries about cost, then being very frugal when buying a wedding ring for me or anything else for that matter.  I'm supposed to understand that he has a limited income even though he gave me a different impression before we married.  Ya, it makes me wonder if I am the masochist queen, but then I read posts like this.

Rags's picture

So scream exactly that!  Repeatedly. Every time he gets moody about his toxic spawn and takes it out on you.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Tell him that if he will not do anything about the situation by confronting the asshole he created that you will hear not another word about it.

His pathetic pining for his reeking crotch nugget is pathetic.

Merry's picture

We have to go back to Mothers Day for this one. Out of the blue DH tells me he isn’t going to do anything special for me for Mother’s Day. He never has—I’m not his mother and I am not the mother of his children. Odd thing for him to say. 

So I had no intention of doing anything for Father’s Day. Not that I would anyway. He started getting mopey middle of last week. I ignored and went about my normal routine. On Friday he says he hopes his kids call him. I said, “I hope so too. Would you like chicken or beef for dinner?” His kids are very good about calling him, but it’s been a bit strained with the Auntie situation lately (see prior blogs). 

One skid called him on Saturday and they talked a long time. The other called Sunday evening and also a long convo. His kids can be difficult but I’d have been shocked if they didn’t call.  

All’s well that ends well at my house. 

SugarSpice's picture

bm married her lover and moved out of state, so all skids were raised by bm.  dh would run to the mail box hoping to get a card before fathers day, and was dejected and whipped when nothing arrived.  or one would show up a week late and dh would get all excited over the insult.

when skids were here summers as teens they would literally argue over the fathers day gifts they were buying for their step father, using money their own father gave them as allowance. 

Rags's picture

Wow, sad.

BioDad gave his kids money and they had been so passed that they used it to buy gifts for StepDad rather than recognizing an envolved biodad.

smh.

Even I, after decades of being the only REAL dad my SS has ever had while hte Spermidiot was ruining his own life the they lives of his three younger also out of wedlock spawn by two other baby mamas,can regnized how F-ed up that is.

disrestep's picture

So DH's mood was normal on and after Father's Day, even though not one of this adult spawn (3) bothered to even pick up the phone to call him to wish him a Happy Father's Day. 

I suspect the reason why his hateful adult brats never even called DH is because DH did not comply with their requests to attend a gskid event or an in law outing over the weekend. Now, DH is going to get the silent treatment from these selfish jerks for a while as usual.

I asked my father to go out to dinner on Father's Day, made reservations and he couldn't make it. So, I called him and went to visit him instead and brought him dinner. Why would I even think to be mad at him and not at least call him?

Not sure about anyone else, but it is just sickening to treat a parent the way the adult skids treat DH when DH doesn't do whatever they want him to. After DH devoted a huge chunk of his life working so hard to ensure the adult skids never wanted for anything, were spoiled, well fed and had the best of everything, not one of these disrespectful snots can even just call him on Father's Day, because daddy didn't do what they wanted. Ugh!

 

Katylouu's picture

...when his son was little.  I took him shopping for mother's day to buy his mother and myself a gift (lol), and I took him shopping for father's day and for later when he got a step father.  I also took him to buy his mom a gift for her birthday and we go out to eat for our birthday's beause his, mine and my kids are all in July. So July is never ending ..lol

The kids (they aren't little anymore) all get together on what they are going to buy, and they took the men (ss and my kids dad and ss step dad) fishing.  lol