Are men really co clueless?
Or is it a clever ruse to get what they want? My husband treats SD 14 like she's his wife. When decisions are to be made regarding things that affect the household, he often makes them with her and then tells me about it afterward. And then he wonders why I am mad.
The latest example is this weekend. My old high school is doing their musical, and I know my BD4 would like to go. But the last two weekends in a row we have sent BDs to my parents' house so we can put in a fence. So this weekend I wanted to spend time with them. I turned down the musical. Then husband e-mails me today saying he wants to take SD14 and BD4 to another musical at SD's high school. Doesn't even know what it is (and if BD4 would be interested or over her head). I told him I wanted us to spend time with both of our daughters. He is going to be busy with something else all day. So BD1 will not see her dad AT ALL on Saturday and only briefly on Sunday (because we attend church and he doesn't and then she naps). I also pointed out that I was NOT invited to attend.
Then he e-mails me back and says, "if you want to come you are more than welcome to come." Argh. I have told him before that saying, "Well, I am doing this but you can come along if you want, or not, it is all the same to me" is not the same as an invitation. And SD will pout and be nasty the whole time if I am there. Even better, he e-mails me back and says, "I hereby invite you to join in any and all family outings, get together’s and road trips." What the hell? Invite me along on family outings? How about the husband and wife plan these things together, instead of dad and SD? That way we don't have to worry about "inviting" me. I am annoyed, again.
I would be livid
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I had a similar situation recently and I thought I was going to have to perform brain surgery on my Dh to see if he had one. It would have been a waste of time because I am convinced that he looses touch with reality when SD's or even BD wants something. I don't like to "be informed" of what is going on, I like to be consulted prior to anything being decided about what I will do or my husband will do or offer to any of the kids or BM but that does not always happen. The kicker is when they send you those patronizing e-mails to make you feel like an idiot for saying anything. UGGGG ~ You need Cruella's frying pan after I am done with it!
~Evil
Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
Confucius
I'm sorry Elizabeth
That is hurtful. I a way I can see he is trying to be funny, but people hide behind their humor when they want to avoid an honest discussion or something they feel is uncomfortable.
He wants you to just go along with his letting SD rule the roost and not make waves. He is allowing her to be over-indulged and make decisions that belong to adults. He isn't doing her any favors. She's not old enough for adult responsiblity that goes along with choices.
I assume you've tried to talk this out with him and he isn't buying it. Have you tried getting a counselor to talk to him? Sometimes a "professional" can get through when we can't.
We tried counseling
But nothing seems to get through to him. When he complains about the situation at our house, I tell him, "This is how you wanted it." The counselor said the only way our marriage was going to survive was if I let him have full responsibility for SD. But that also means discipline. She emphasized to him the importance of disciplining SD, and he just can't bring himself to do it. So nothing has changed. The funny thing is, his entire family (and mine) are on my side and see that a great deal of the problem lies with my husband's and BMs behavior. My MIL said, "Husband and BM are ruining SD."
But I am his wife, and dammit, decisions that affect the household should be made by him and I, not him and SD. If only I could get that through his thick skull!
Yes, men are clueless sometimes
Hi, just wanted to let you know that I understand how you feel and get very annoyed and frustrated, too.
Men can just be totally clueless, and seemingly even more so under the influence of their children. Ugghh.
YES, They REALLY are...
I would be livid as well and I'm convinced that men really ARE that clueless. In my house, DH makes random decisions and never consults me (pertaining to discipline, chores etc.) Oh, and my favorite is when I tell the children they CAN do something and then he talks over me and tells them they can't. It completely destroys my credibility!
I question the counselor's advice since that seems to be the problem to begin with...seems DH is taking the responsibility of putting SD needs/wishes/desires before that of his own wife. Somehow we have to get these guys out of lala land before they find themselves choosing between DW and bio-children permanently.
Elizabeth, I hate to say
Elizabeth,
I hate to say this but I'd find another counselor. I've heard that advice given to steps before about letting the bio parent do all the parenting of the skids but I've never seen it work. Usually the bio parent wants to have it both ways with the stepparent "allowed" to "parent" when it's convenient for the bioparent and skids but not when it counts. I just don't understand that advice I guess. Especially when the bioparent won't parent, as seems to be the case with you guys.
Anyone near you who specializes in stepfamilies?
Once again, a DH that puts
Once again, a DH that puts his wife in 2nd place. Geez, who raised these boys? I would be more than annoyed, especially if this happened as a pattern, not a one-time thing. Probably time for that "come to Jesus" meeting with DH that lays out some facts for him: Marriage comes first; Adults consult with each other first about activities within the household, not kids for adults; etc.
I understand that DH is trying to keep his relationship with daughter interactive and all, so he may feel like he can't win for loosing. But he's sortof taken it too far. Regardless that he's making plans for time with SD, he should talk to you first and then run it by daughter. Just b/c therapist said to give DH full reign on parenting, shouldn't mean that he excludes you or doesn't consult with you first. Afterall, whatever goes on with DH and SD does not occur in a vacuum from you. Your input should come first. Again, I think he's taken the therapist advise the wrong way. (which BTW, wouldn't have been advice that I would have taken in the first place, but that's just me.)