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Sadly Another SM Gets Hurt by Adult Stepdaughter

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Yesterday, I was out with a neighbor who asked to speak to me about something that happened to her over Thanksgiving. She know a little about Twit and that we moved out here to get away from her.

I referred her to our board but she isn't quite ready so I told her I would post her story and tell her what the comments from those of us who have been through the wringer were.

Her Grandson was getting married. Her Stepdaughter invited her and her hubby for Thanksgiving Dinner. At the table the topic of the wedding came up and it seemed all of a sudden the table got quiet. My friend and her hubby were told the couple had a date selected but were "still working on the plans". Then there was a flurry of action, to the kitchen, talking, whispering, etc. Very impolite, according to my friend and it made her uncomfortable. I can understand that.

She says her SD pops out of the kitchen and announces that the couple is having a very small wedding and before she can say more the SD's hubby pulls her back into the kitchen. More whispering and the grandson being called into the kitchen. Shortly thereafter the young man tells my friend and her hubby that they will be getting details real soon.

My friend got the invite 2 days later and the wedding was 2 weeks from the day she received the invite! She says she knows they were left out because the RSVP date had already come and gone!

Boy does that sound like something my Twit would do.

Anyway, they did not go and now she and the grooms Grandfather are the bad guys.

She wants to know how we would handle this matter and if they should have gone or not.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

As I see it, and I haven't said this because I want to think it through, when the SD popped out of the kitchen saying that the couple was only having a small wedding and then got pulled back into the kitchen, that was the sign they had not been invited.

Guess my friends Hubby told his daughter that as they were left off they wouldn't be attending at such short notice. The SD thinks they were being mean about it and should have gone.

All I can say is what the h*ll is wrong with these people!

Merry's picture

If the grandfather wasn't invited because of an honest oversight, the SD and hubs would have been (or should have been) mortified and apologetic and upfront about the mistake.

But that's not what happened. They weren't invited on purpose. So when they don't show up to an event at which they were not wanted anyway, THEY become the bad guys. Classic gaslighting. They were right not to go. I'd send a lovely card and leave it at that.

hereiam's picture

It was pretty obvious that they were not meant to be invited. I would not have gone, either.

It takes a lot of nerve for them to be upset that your friend and her husband did not attend, when their attendance was not wanted the first place. :?

Stepped in what momma's picture

It also takes a lot of nerve to think they didn't have plans that couldn't be cancelled when it was 2 weeks away.
I'd straight up call them out on it and tell em' to shove it.

SugarSpice's picture

when its clear that a family member was not on the invite list its a slap in the face.

dont attend and dont send a gift.

you message will be received quite clearly.

notasm3's picture

It's obvious that they were purposefully excluded until someone accidentally let the cat out of the bag at the Thanksgiving dinner. But instead of being honest they went the route of deceit and cover up. And then had the audacity to get mad because they didn't drop everything and attend the wedding.

I'll bet their definition of the GPs being "mean" is that the GPs aren't handing over a big check.

sandye21's picture

^^^THIS!!^^^ "I'll bet their definition of the GPs being "mean" is that the GPs aren't handing over a big check." I also agree it is classic gaslighting. This is a time when you do not have to take the 'upper road'. If anyone gives your friend and slack over the wedding she should simply tell the truth - they were not invited until the RSVP time had lapsed. AND how rude they were to have not one, but two private conversation in the kitchen which excluded you in your own home. My SD used to do this all of the time. She taught me that 'turning the other cheek' with skids does not work. Now that she's been out of my life for a while, it hits me as being even more rude than when I was being gaslighted.

I am so glad for your friend that she has you, SDM. One of my friends recently opened up about her SD to me. You could see the relief on he face when I told her it was not her imagination.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Sandye - They were at the SD's house so the kitchen was the SD's. Regardless, when more people are huddled in the kitchen whispering and are at the table with the GP's you know something is up.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

You are so right about the check. Guess the SD did ask why they didn't send a gift. That in itself mortified my friend. Sadly, she is a beginner at this step stuff.

I like what my DH told Twit when she started taunting him about not being invited to her baby's upcoming wedding. My DH said that was fine because he wouldn't have to bother sending a gift.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Yes, that apparently is part of them telling my friend how terrible they were, etc. She really feels bad...and we've all been there.

I am going to have coffee with her tomorrow morning and I am going to show her all the posts that say she has nothing to feel bad about. Her SD etc. are the ones that should be ashamed of themselves.

still learning's picture

So this is the bio grandfather and step grandmother who were not invited? How rude to leave your own grandfather out of the wedding and then invite him last minute. Terrible game playing and manipulation. I hope your friend and her husband remember this and the nasty behavior is reflected when the wills are made up.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

FWIW, I told her that I hoped she hadn't sent a gift or a card because they did not deserve it. She said she sent a card, but no gift or check.

You all know my DH's motto on Twit telling him that we may not be invited to Twit's baby's wedding. He said that was great because then he didn't have to send a gift.

My friend laughed very hard when I told her this.

sandye21's picture

SDM, You may have changed your friend's life and saved her sanity. If you relate some of your experiences with Twit she will surely see some similarities with her SD. She will also be able to see some of the crazy stuff her SD is doing for what it really is rather than what other people are trying to lead her to believe by gaslighting. One of the hardest things for SMs to deal with is the self-doubt and diminished self-worth that is selfishly and conveniently created by the bio-parent and skids. Once we put our foot down and reclaim our dignity there is very little they can do to us. Please keep us posted as to your friend's progress.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Gawd Sandye - If I tell her some of the stuff Twit has pulled she might start to think that her SD isn't that bad at all.

I was just thinking about what that philosopher Neitche (sp) said. He said: "I'm not angry that you lied to me, I am angry that I will never be able to trust you again." I know that is true with Twit. It was the constant story telling, lying that upset me (well one of her many traits) because she just could not be trusted.

marblefawn's picture

If your friend is new to this, now she knows where they stand. Immediately forget about it and move on.

Weddings are such sticky stuff. Who knows really went down? I can't believe no one thought to develop a cover story before they'd all be sitting down to dinner. It sounds as if there was a disagreement on whether they should be invited - maybe between grandson and his mom? If your friend is new to the family and can't even be invited to something as important as a wedding, well, that says a lot.

Regardless, what is definite is that your friend and her husband were slighted. They can write off this chunk of family and focus on what's important in life.

Oh yea, definitely no gift! But they should send a lovely card to show they are bigger people than those who did the inviting.

notsobad's picture

I’m glad they didn’t go and didn’t send a gift. Now everyone should know where they stand.

When she gets push back from them, I’d remind SD and grandson that they were an afterthought. Ask why the invite didn’t come till after the RSVP date and straight up tell them that they are rude to even expect a gift.
You may be older but you’re not stupid!

If people are going to think you are a bitch no matter what you do, you might as well be the bitch they think you are, and be happy.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Hi all. Well, I printed out all the comments here and my friend read them over coffee. Some made her laugh very hard as she said she felt she had support.

She felt that she was being bullied into believing that she, and her hubby were mean because of what they did.

I told her that since they were not invited as all the others were, in a timely fashion, and that in todays age a lot of couples send out these "save the date" announcements, she had no call to feel bad. The SD and her son are the ones that should feel bad.

My suggestion was to cut her losses with these loser and let them go their own way. That if she would have gone to the wedding she and her hubby would still have felt bad knowing they had been left off.

As I told her: "Forget about them....they was trash".

SacrificialLamb's picture

Your friend is lucky to have you, having walked the path you have.

I live in a retirement area where many of my friends are remarried with adult skids. The stories I hear are unbelievable yet believable for this site. In the last 6 months I have heard stories where the father is told he cannot walk his daughter down the aisle/even attend the wedding unless his lady friend does not attend, skids are upset daddy is spending their inheritances by having fun in old age, skids using the gkids as hostages to get their way.

I hope your friend realizes now that she and her husband are not "mean". They deserve the same civil treatment as everyone else.

disrestep's picture

I agree with Sac lamb. Your friend and her husband are definitely not mean. The ASD, her husband and the GSKID are mean. What a terrible thing to do. What your friend got was an "unvite".

Yup, Skids using Gskids as hostages to try and get their way is what DH and I are going through. What is it with these adult Skids who cannot understand that their bio parent has a right to be happy and enjoy life with someone instead of being their on-call babysitter and ATM machine? I blame it on their whole sense of entitlement attitude and the way they treat their bio parents like they own them and they think the bio parent should be available to them whenever they want.

Maybe your friend's Dh should ask if they were meant to be invited or not.

SugarSpice's picture

bridal couples can really be greedy monsters. rather than their wedding being a public celebration of their union, they see it as a way of getting more gifts.

i know of one bride who was angry and irritated that some guests brought their gifts with them to the reception. that meant someone in the wedding party had to pack them up and drive them to the couples home. she called those guest "stupid people." she said that they could easily arrange to have the gifts mailed to their home. she was totally ungracious and unappreciative.

there was also an envelope on the gift table for people gifting card vouchers and money.

well have to see how long this marriage lasts.

with a new baby in the picture i expect her tolerance to go down to zero.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Agree totally. Sadly they are so wrapped up in themselves and their big day they think about no one other than themselves. The me, me, me generation.

But I would guess the SD was the one that gave the list of people on the groom's side (other than the grooms personal additions) to be invited to the bride; so my bet is on the SD for leaving them out.

Acratopotes's picture

Tell your friend, to simply ignore it....

they where not invited, then got a last minute invite and declined, which they are entitled to do... it's not to say if you are invited somewhere you have to go, people decline all the time,

she should not even give this a second thought, and if her husband has guts he can tell his brat daughter - you purposefully did not invite us, to make you look good you invited us last minute... you are being a bitch and that's why we decided not to come