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The FINAL COUNTDOWN is this week

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

I have been around here reading but not responding.  Too paiinful right now. 

This Thursday is the DEADLINE for my offer.  Attorney has heard nothing from either his lawyer or him so he has nothing new to offer.

I have been crying bucket loads, which is good, and rereading all the cRap (because that is what it was) I stupidly put up with.

One thing in an early journal that TBX told me about Twit and her first husband really hit me hard.  I remember being disturbed about it when he told me but he wouldn't tell me more about the whole situation.  But it speaks volumes.  It had to do with cruelty to animals.  I remember asking him why he didn't do something about it when he found out, and why, in gawd's half acre he would even let Twit be with someone like that.

Man, if I found out that something like that happened my DD and grandson would be gotten away from him even if I had to drag them.  I certainly would have called the police in and not just let it go.  The fact that Twit stayed with such a character says what she is....Birds of a feather.

Remember what I posted years back about Twit and her dog?  Even back then TBX never said anything to her about letting the dogs run loose, etc.  He didn't want to get involved.

I think I heard about this when that incident happened some years back.  Keep in mind, my TBX never wanted to leave our beloved pet with her and now I realize why.....it really hit me.   

Back then I was going through so much stuff with her, her goofy behavior and attacks, etc., it didn't register on me like it should have and that is my fault.

What I am starting to see is a Twit that was showing strangeness years back and eveyone just let it go.  Her bioMother wanted nothing to do with her after she made those false allegations against the BM's 2nd husband, and instead of letting her go into the system, TBX took her.  Would have been much better if she went into a system where she could have been evaluated and seen for what she is.

 

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Feel like banging my head against the wall for being so eplitive..... stupid.

She had one dog that had a tumor on its side.  She let the tumor grow so big that the dog could hardly get up and down...I mean big.  TBX finally told her that she needed to take that dog to the vet or he would.  (Gotta give TBX that one).  Well, she did take the dog to the vet and was told to either have the tumor removed or put the dog down as it was interferring with the dogs internal organs as well as being HUGE.  Twit laughed as she bragged later, after the dog had the opperation that the tumor was over 30 lbs!  THAT is one he*l of a tumor.

Prior to TBX stepping in the only thing the poor animal could do was lay on one side and struggle to get up on wobbly legs to go outside.  Can you imagine!

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

My feelings right now are HOW THE H*LL, and WHY the Heck didn't I get out and away back then.

Now, TBX is a very kind man to animals and gets upset when he sees mistreatment.

TBX also had to step in with another one of Twit's dogs that was old.  The dog being old, had stopped eating, was wasting away and obviously indiscomfort.  There too, TBX had to step in with her and tell her that she needed to have the dog put down and if she wouldn't take it to the vet, he would.   

Rags's picture

Don't blame yourself.  You have nothing to do with that shallow and polluted gene pool.  Even BM wrote TWIT off.

That speaks volumes.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Thanks, Rags.  Hard not to at this point.

May I also say that the Twit cruelty to animals seems to extend to people as well.  Just look at her "Babies".  She ruined them because she is what she is.  I mean when FATSO started gaining all that weight I certainly would have had tests done and other things to find out what the problem was.  But Twit is cheap with a buck when it comes to care so she scimped.  Told TBX and I about how he was suicidal and she had to be careful around him.  That he told her he was going to die young.   THAT was her excuse for not getting him quality help.  WHAT THE H*LL!!!  CRAZY!!!!

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

I showed DD what I had written down about Twit's EX and the cruelty to animals.  Her response was total repulsion and she is glad I am getting far away from Twit as there is more wrong with her than even DD first realized.

Fluff's picture

For years. I rarely post myself. You sound like and clearly are a good and decent human being - you have a decent daughter who lives a decent life and supports her mother. You can't get your head around this stuff because it's NOT NORMAL!!  Please stop beating yourself up about things that were never your responsibility. To paraphrase Rags - they'll soon be in your rear view mirror and the only ones you ever need to care about are you and yours. As horribly sad as it may feel right now - at some point in the very near future - the fact that you have saved yourself will hit and relief will follow. Personally, I'd have a bottle of champagne chilling for that day. 
 

Sending prayers and thoughts for your continued strength. 

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Thank you for your kind words Fluff.  You are right, I can't get my head around it.  I am looking forward to seeing them both in the rear view mirror.  But until the divorce papers are signed, well, one nevers know.  

I do know that I will not go back to crazy land.  TBX may think that the things that he let's slide by with his Twit are okay, but they are strange.  She can "act" normal for awhile, a day or two, but then she starts to go down rapidly and rabidly.

 

Fluff's picture

dupe

sandye21's picture

I'm going through a similar experience.  It's really something when you read journals from years ago.  Things jump out at you that you let slide or if you did complain, you were ignored or put down.  And yes, we ask, "What was I thinking?!!  Why didn't I take action then and get the heck out?" 

It's all about hope and vulnerability.  I don't know what your experiences were before you met TBX but if you were anything like me, you entered into the relationship looking at the positive so much that the negative side of things seemed trivial and easy to fix.  After all, love conquers all, doesn't it?  I am stubborn, I don't want to admit defeat - even when the situation seems insurmountable.  So I continue to live life hoping for the best.  You were hopeful because you were innocent, had strong character and looked for the good in your fellow man.  Some people take advantage of this.

The dangerous thing about hope is that can carry on for decades, causing you to overlook blatant dysfunction, masking reality time and time again until the truth suddenly appears, eats you alive, takes away your identity and leaves an emotional skeleton.  But all of this makes us stronger.  Next time hope will be tempered with reality.  You will rise, SDM.  TBX is playing games, you will win.  Hold on - just a few days more.  In another year you will be re-reading those journals and congratulating yourself for being brave enough to take action.  This is the beginning of a new, happier chapter in your journal.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Sandye, do you think it is because when we are experiencing crazy, we just don't realize how bizzar it is because we are trying to make sense out of things and keep our own sanity?  Because survival adrenelain kicks in so we deal with the abnormal and it doesn't totally resonate until later?  Also it is because as we get away from it we can see it more clearly for what it was.

I now realize how TBX would try to nullify the crazy that was going on with Twit etc. by saying things like to me such as:  "You two are SO MUCH ALIKE".  Really, he would say that to me when I would be concerned about some infraction I had to deal with with Twit.  Of course, I didn't buy that at all and told him so, but he would be persistent at times, especially when she was really acting out.

When I think of that I say to myself that I raised a great DD, who has a great husband and family.  Twit raised a bunch of losers who have very low level jobs (if they can keep them) (stock boy, work for temp agency, etc.).  Fat, drunk and just plan losers.  This she plays the VICTIM card on....you know....poor me, drunkie can't keep a job so I have to let him live with us, support him, etc.  (not now though 'cause he's in jail) and I am certain that is another thing she bemoans about....how terrible the justice system is.  NEVER her fault, every one is out to get her, to cheat her, etc.  The truth is that she is out to get and cheat others.

 

sandye21's picture

"-- do you think it is because when we are experiencing crazy, we just don't realize how bizzar it is because we are trying to make sense out of things and keep our own sanity?"  Definitely!!!  At first we actually play games in our minds to normalize outrageouss behavior because it is just too much of a shock if we admit that this person is just plain wacko.  I beleive this happens in a 'family' situation rather than someone who is not as close us.  If we met a stranger who acted like Twit we would be resolved to say this person is just plain nuts and avoid futurre contact.  But when a partner is connected to them it creates a whole different dynamic and we adjust our mindframe to accommodate our partner.  If it is our partner who is not quite right, we make all sorts of excuses for them until it just won't work anymore.  Then, in retrospect we see the signals we missed and all of the crap we were sweeping under the rug bombards us big time. Once this occurs there is no going back.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

My healing began the day I let go of hope that my SDs would ever treat me well, or even see me as a person.

SDM, hang in there. You will prevail, regardless of what your TBX does or doesn't do.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

"Then in retrospect we see the signals we missed and all of the crap we were sweeping under the rug bombards us big time.  Once this occurs there is no going back."

Ain't that the truth.  It also helps, as we sort the crazy out, us get back on our feet to head back to happy, healthy and normal; but that takes time.  We have to grieve and heal.

MissTexas's picture

but honestly, you've been through the worst part of it all, and now you're gaining your freedom from all this dysfunction. Let this eclipse your concerns and fears.

Yes, unfortunately, the signs were there years ago, but to a person who's never experienced anything remotely like this, we have to educate ourselves about it. I suspected things years ago, only to realize now, I was right all along. Intuition is a powerful thing.

Please let us know how well things turn out in your favor this week. My heart is with you.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Only 2+ days to go and hopefully he signs and its OVER.  I honestly don't know why he wanted to lose everything for someone as wacky as Twit.  But, on the upside, no more TBX telling me that something Twit is doing/done is wrong, outrageous, etc., but then expecting me to continue to take it, listening to her bleat about how terrible I am (because I stopped putting up with Twit ca*p).   Flunny, I took steps to protect myself, disengaged, moved, restraining order, etc. and according to both of them I am the BAD GUY for doing so!  Yet at the same time TBX would tellme what she was doing was wrong, he didn't approve of it, etc., but when I protected myself (because he didn't) it was WRONG because the poor Twitty got all upset and went in to victim mode.  How terrible I was being to her, she was done with me (don't I wish back then), poor her, she tries so hard.  He never called her on that poor me pity party she was having with him, which makes me wonder about him to this day.  Why?  Why not set her in her place and tell her that she couldn't do that carp to me?  Oh, he talked a good game, to me, but when it came to her, well that was a whole different matter.

Craziville is gonna be in my rear view mirror very shortly.

sandye21's picture

Drama addiction is a very real thing.  " TBX telling me that something Twit is doing/done is wrong, outrageous, etc., but then expecting me to continue to take it, listening to her bleat about how terrible I am"   

When I read this I wondered why your TBX would want to move close to Twit even when he knew she had problems with the rest of the family, even when her past false accusations had been so dangeous.  Why he would insist of telling you about the things Twit did, knowing you didn't want to hear them?  Why would he expect you to take part in all of the turmoil instead of allowing you to bow out of a close relationship with Twit?  He wanted you to be in on the drama addiction that both he and Twit shared.  He and Twit fed off of each other.

Why is he waiting until the last moment to sign the papers?  You guessed it!

Google:

6 Sure Signs You Suffer from the Addiction to Drama

You Love To Gossip.

You Are Always In The Middle of a Crisis.

You're Glued to the News, Magazines And Stories About X Y & Z.

You Have a Tendency Toward Over Reacting versus Rational Behavior.

Everything is a Bigger Deal than it Actually is.

You're a Pot Stirrer.

Right now 2 days must seem like an eternity.  One thing that might help is thinking of how you are going to celebrate.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

BINGO - On all 6.  Nailed Twit on every of them.  Drama queens like Twit, have to be the center of attention.  They crave it, need it to survive.  Thus that CRAZY was willing to sacrifice her old children to her cravings for both power over them and attention. Very sad.  Twit can't let the "babies" get too far away from her as she requires them as pawns for the drama.  SICK.

What is almost funny is that if you call her on something she goes into either rage or victim mode, depending on which she thinks will get her what she wants.  Mostly what it got from me, on most occasions (hey, I'm not super human nor perfect) was to laugh at her and or turn my back and walk away.  This she couldn't stand so she would ramp it up.  One figured that as she ramped upmore and more TBX would cut the cord and send her adrift.

sandye21's picture

"One figured that as she ramped upmore and more TBX would cut the cord and send her adrift."  But he didn't because he was as addicted to the drama as Twit was.

Rags's picture

Potentially the better part of two decades of drama, tension and battle with the blended family opposition can create a predelection for drama.  If not creating it, certainly in having to deal with it constantly.

 When SS-27 turned 18 and returned home from his final COd visitation to SpermLand they stopped all contact.  It was a difficult adjustment for me.  I was so  used to the harranging shreeking calls from SpermGrandHag, the heart broken bride who would be upset then go to war to protect her son, the pre-visitation behavioral degredation and the post visitation detox when our kid would prepare and then recover from diving into the shallow and polluted end of gene pool as ordered by the courts, etc........

It took me quite a while to detune from the 16+ years that we lived under the CO.  Probably a couple of years.  

Drama can certainly be addictive.

It took me by surprise regarding how I stayed primed for battle long after we won the war, our son launched, and put them far behind him.

 

 

2Tired4Drama's picture

I do think drama can be very addictive.  One of the signs, IMO, is when you cannot seem to balance all the other positive people, activities, and opportunities that life offers and are right before your eyes.  

Being "primed for battle" can be a psychological method which should be tucked in the back of the mind, as a means of protection based on previous experience with toxic people.   It's like any other weapon at our disposal - know it's there if you need it but don't use it as your primary means of psychologically dealing with people.   If someone is spring-loaded to fall back into the drama then work needs to be done to fix that. 

Focusing all of your todays and tomorrows based on the past bad actions of one bad actor is not healthy, like my SD.   I've been dealing with skid issues for 15+ years.  I disengaged as a means of refusing to have SD in the forefront of my mind.   Being disengaged allows me to be an observer not an active participant.  If I have no contact with SD then there's no reason for the drama or invasive thoughts of her to be seeping into my daily life.    

IMO it is more important to live in the present and learn to adapt (positively) to current reality and leave behind the drama.   I do think that disengaging is the best protection and that includes training our MINDS to let go of these toxic people and move forward.   Changing the internal dialogue is paramount and is the foundation of disengagement.   

For example, if I find myself starting to focus on SD and something she did or didn't do, then I shift my thinking on the reality I'm experiencing right now which includes my loving family, friends and a happy, healthy daily environment.   If something about SD comes across my mind I immediately shift my internal dialogue to how great it is that I have a loving and caring goddaughter, for instance.   It changes my whole perspective from a negative one to a positive one. 

Sure, we all have flare-ups with skids from time to time and that's where Steptalk is a helpful community.  

This seems to work for me.  If it did not, I would be seeking out a mental health professional to work with me on fixing it.  If the mental health professional wasn't helping to move towards that goal and I didn't see an improvement within a reasonable amount of time, I'd be finding a new therapist.  

This applies to not only skids but others in life like toxic bosses, coworkers, etc.  

 

 

 

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

That is great advice and insight.  Thank you.

This will take some working on as after years of being through the Twit wringer, when I am doing something the crazy of it just pops into my mind.  Like I can't help it right now.  

With the divorce FINALLY coming to a close, et. al, I can truly work on putting this crazy period behind me.  The regret I have is that X and I had never been lured to move close to her years back, all this would never have happened.  I had absolutely no clue she was what she was.  But then we were never around her for long periods of time so she could hide her true self.  

Dealing with Twit has made me look a lot differently at my fellow mankind.   

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

How true Rags.  That is what I am experiencing now.  Gonna take some time and healing.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Well, here is the much anticipated update.  As of Thursday afternoon lawyer has heard nothing.  BUT on Friday morningthere was a message from his attorney that the paperwork was coming Priority Mail, all signed.  So hopefully it will be at my lawyer's office Monday.

I wish him well, but I just couldn't deal with being the target for the Twit everytime she got a wild hair up her nose.  One thing I keep in my mind, because it helps me, is that when she would act out at me, my now X would notice it too but tell me to be big about it, etc.  At no time am I aware that he ever called her or took her aside and told her to stop it.  It was like crazyville.  She would say some of the meanest strangest stuff about what she had done to people and everyone acted as if that was normal and just fine.

I can also say that it didn't take my DD to pick up on her strangeness, but only after we moved closer to her.

Wonder if she knows about our divorce or not?  I recall the first couple of months we were down there and she was in my living room, looking around, and started bawling.  Why?  Because, as she cried to Daddy through her tears, she was afraid everything was going to go to MY DD!!  Imagine!  Well, now she can really cry to him because nothing that was in that house or that I own is ever going to go into her greedy, grubby hands.  That ought to really pizz her off with her Father.

Funny, just that thought of having bust her bubble on that (because I have no doubt that X would have given her things that she wasn't entilted to) makes my day for now.   Happy, happy.

Rags's picture

Congratulations on your freedom and starting your life free of the TWIT show.

Be happy and take care of you.

piegirl's picture

I am so happy for you that he signed - because if he hadn't this could keep going and going and going - even though your offer had expired. Now, once you have the signed documentation, you can commence healing from this excuse for a family. You have such a wonderful DD and SIL, hold them tight along with your grandbaby and Scully too Smile

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Thanks Pie - I was concerned about that too as time went on.  But there in was the drama.....to keep me hanging until the very end.

And thank you.  I am blessed with my family.  As I look at it from that point of view, one sows what one reaps and sooner or latter the piper has to be paid.

An aside.  The offer I made financially only applies if he lives independently, if he goes into a nursing home or goes to live with someone else, it ends.  No way in h*ll's half acre am I going to give money to Twit to care for her father....NOT that she would even do it.  IMHO, where she is concerned - he's on his own.

sandye21's picture

"The offer I made financially only applies if he lives independently, if he goes into a nursing home or goes to live with someone else, it ends. "  LOL LOL LOL  Speaking about drama, wait until he is sitting there alone and realizes Twit wants nothing to do with him because he has nothing to offer, and worse yet, he might require her care - which she will never give,  No pity for self-inflicted wounds.  Please --- when this is all over, if he contacts you, don't even talk to him.  Tell him to see your lawyer and immediately hang up.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Sandlye -  is on his own now.  He is still in the tow we moved to and we had no relatives nearby.  The nearest was in Californa.  So, since he was still there when he signed the papers, I would guess he is still there.  Since it is a monthly check he has to notify me where to send it and I won't just send it to a bank.  Have a BIG stamp for the envelope that says DO NOT FORWARD.  Lawyer advised of that so it is not so easy for him to move in with, oh Twit, etc. and still collect.  There are more safeguards but, sigh, anything can be scammed I guess.  Just going to do my best.

I sillhave the home down there and SIL is making arrangements on it.  We (all of us up here) want to keep it as it is a great place to go in the wintertime, holday's etc.)  

Being a little evil here,   I bet it tees X off that the house is still there and he has no access to it at all.  Oh well, too bad.

 

sandye21's picture

What a wonderful thing to have a 'Winter' house!  Your lawyer sounds as if he or she has their stuff together.  Your XH knows if he moves near to Twit he will be disappointed.  Just wondering how you are feeling now?  Residual anger? Relief?  Perhaps excitement about moving on and having a happier life?

Just want to tell you how much you have inspired me.  Thank you.  DH says he wants to stay married.  I have set reasonable limits and sometimes it is an 'educational experience' for him, but he has a choice of 'learning' or leaving.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

How do I feel now?  Numb and tired.  This has drained so much out of me.  Now to try to heal.  Funny, I still keep expecting something to happen at times, like I have to still be on my guard.

Then I remember I am safe with people that love and care for me.

sandye21's picture

One symptom of PTSD is vigilance.  It takes time to get over all of the horrible experiences you have had through no fault of your own.  The good news is that you DO have people who care and love you to help you heal.  You are on the upswing now, SDM.  Please keep us up to date on your progress.  Many of us want to hope that once we eliminate toxic people from our lives that life will be better.  (((HUGS)))

Rags's picture

Stay the course on healing.  Before you know it the whole nightmare will be just a fading memory.

Enjoy your life.

Tin Can Zen's picture

I have been lurking here awhile, mostly drawing wisdom from your story. I'm relieved that you are finally having a measure of peace from your nightmare years. Your story brought it home for me that adult status doesn't mean maturity. Because of you, I judge the skids here on their behavior and not the worn out COD status they hide behind. Good people don't do certain things. You've been pummeled with a lot of inexcusable things. I wish you tranquility and tenderness at your daughter's home.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Thank you Zen - It has been a tough road and one I hoped I would not have to travel.  But the bizarre and crazy got too scarey for me.  Even Twit's own husband once told me that SHE never forgets!  Just another indication in hindsight that they all knew/know what she is but no one wants to cross her.