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when is it ok to deny 7yr olds birthday party?

YoungStep's picture

BM has done bday parties for SS8 & SD8 since DH split from her when kids were 2. That's fine, we have our own family and friends party her and BM does school friends. This has never been discussed or negotiated it just is and that's fine by me. So this year SS8 tells me BM said no birthday party for either because they misbehaved. I asked "well what did you do?" She explained that she is slow to get ready and distracts brother when he's getting ready. I assure her BM is probably kidding or they might be having a surprise party. DH and I are on vaccay a week before skids bday and we get 2 frantic VMs from them at 8am saying "mommy won't have a friends party for me I'm scared!" Skids NEVER call us. And BM NEVER disciplines skids. BM tells skids "well maybe your dad should have a party for you because I'm not this year!"(which BM never communicates with us) DH and I are convinced because she is such a narcissistic woman that no one going to party last year hurt her and she can't handle rejection so she didn't have one this year. 2 days before their bdays I arrange friends, food and a bouncy house. Not bad for a last minute step mom. Skids decide they don't want to tell BM because it might hurt her feelings. Its sad at 8 they know how 'touched' she is. Well, one of them slipped and told BM about the party. She sent a message through them saying 'she's mad we aren't following through with her decision to discipline them'. But then she invites her new best friend WITH her 3 kids !!! Is it me or is that crazy? To invite yourself somewhere is one thing, but to invite 4 strangers to my house is another! Luckily her friend didn't show up. Is it me , or would a 7 going on 8 year old have to do something really really bad to have a birthday party taken from them? A birthday party is a huge deal for kids! They didn't do anything horrible like stab anybody! And they are usually behaved when they are here. So is she crazy or am I a bad Step mom?

oldone's picture

No one has to have a birthday party at any age. She is certainly within her rights to not have a party.

But she has no business whatsoever telling you what you can do. And why was her ass allowed to come attend YOUR party? You need to investigate something called "boundaries".

Disneyfan's picture

Those kids played you like a fiddle.

You just taught them that when mommy says no, all they have to do is run crying to you and they will get what they want. This will bite you in the butt later.

Getting a brand new car at 16 is a huge deal for kids.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Yep, BM has always had the parties, this year she said no, that should have been the end of it. All you had to do was say, sorry BM SAID NO. Did your DH Communicate with her over this. Did either of you tell her that you were planning a party, did either of you ask her why they weren't having a party, or did you just take what the kids said as gospel. You got played and taught the kids manipulation works well. Good luck undoing that lesson.

By the way, they were SCARED because she wasn't throwing them a party. Really, you should've seen their scam a mike off with that one. They were pissed off and by hook or by crook they were having a party. But you've turned the tables now. You may be stuck throwing the parties every year. No, she had no right to invite anyone to your home without speaking to you first. That's plain rude. Next year best you make it clear if she wants to make a guest list she can throw the party. Looks like these two will from now on get a party from BM and one from dad. They did a good job didn't they.

realitycheckmom's picture

I don't see how they scammed the OP since the OP said she always has a party with DH at their house.

SMof2Girls's picture

If she was already planning a party, then why the comment about the "last minute stepmom" arranging friends, food, and a bouncy house 2 days before their birthday?

SMof2Girls's picture

Whenever SMs start these competitions with BMs, it never ends well. It's a rookie mistake .. trying to swoop in and be the awesome SM who saves the day! Unless you're willing to "save" every single day, hour, minute in the future .. don't even start down that path ..

SMof2Girls's picture

Also .. there's a lot of room between being "well behaved" and "doing something horrible like stabbing someone" that would warrant the loss of a birthday party IMHO.

realitycheckmom's picture

This is what the OP posted --->That's fine, we have our own family and friends party her and BM does school friends. This has never been discussed or negotiated it just is and that's fine by me.

I have no idea why she said she did it all at the last minute. That is a great question for the OP. Smile

EvilWickedSM's picture

I gathered that OP and DH have a family party and BM throws the party where the kids invite their friends. So, the kids scammed SM and DD into throwing a party for their friends since BM wasn’t going to. I sincerely hope they didn’t plan two parties, one for just friends and then one for family??

SMof2Girls's picture

Maybe the bouncy house, friends, and food were just a last minute addition to the smaller family party they already had planned?

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

Why is BM calling the shots though? If the kids' dad wants to have a birthday party then he can do that. She doesn't get to dictate whether or not you have a party? That's ridic.

Or am I missing something?

SMof2Girls's picture

Totally agree that Dad can throw a party if he wants to at his house.

Seems like SM threw this party together at the last minute just because BM wasn't and she thought they were somehow entitled to it, despite what BM thinks.

It creates a lot of opportunity for kids to manipulate.

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

Sure, and she can discipline in her own home and dad can do the same in his home. If Dad wants to have a party with his kids on his time then so be it.

PeanutandSons's picture

You guys are in for a long road if this scenario is representative of how these kids are being raised. No one is entitled to a huge blow out birthday party complete with bouncy houses and such. And to say they they were "scared' that bm said no, and you actually backed them up is insane to me.

You should have stayed out of what bm does at her house and continued with your small family celebration just as you have every year. Something tells me that this is all about something much more than simply one twin taking too long to get dressed in the morning. I bet there's a lot more going on that the skids didn't fess up to. And even if its not.... You should not be intentionally cancelling out her discipline efforts. Not saying that you had to deny the kids a party just because she says so, but don't scale yours up to undo her punishment.

A birthday party isn't some life altering right....and treating it as such is t doing those kids any favors. My kids have never had a huge bday party....I don't think it is necessary and encourages selfish attitudes. We have a small family party and I send cupcakes and goodie bags to school to share with their class. Done deal.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Kids 1, SM 0. This will play out bigger and better next year. Eventually SM is going to resent those kids and complain about their manipulative behaviour. But she will forget or never realise the role she has just played in creating it. Next year, no matter what, do yourself and those kids a favour and go back to your low key family party. These kids are setting it up to get dad and mum to throw them parties. They will manipulate you both by telling you what great parties you have and how much better the are than mum's parties. Therefore making you feel so good about yourself you'll throw a bigger and better party next year. The kids are manipulating you big time. Big time.

By the way, just a question. When they claimed to be scared. Did you ask what they were SCARED of. Being scared of not having a birthday party seems peculiar. I'd love to hear why they were scared. It does smack of entitlement.