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Yes let's concern ourselves with BMs marriage

SeeYouNever's picture

BM herself stays out of our life, she just crawls out from her rock periodically to demand money, but other than that it's not much of a problem. As always the issue is my meddlesomeSIL!

She called DH while driving on the way to get SD15 for the weekend. This was the first DH heard about it. MeddlesomeSIL asked if he had seen SD15s Instagram and said that it seems BM and Stepdad are fighting a lot. SD did post a sneaky video of them arguing at a restaurant but that's typical teen behavior trying to embarrass her mom, the vast majority of her posts are smug duck lipped bathroom selfies. Pretty much everything she does is a ploy for attention and MeddlesomeSIL took the bait.

The argument post made MeddlesomeSIL soooo worried so she decided to get SD15 for the weekend so BM and Stepdad could have time to themselves. DH asked why she didn't do that so he and I could have a date but she does it for the other SIL and now for BM. She had plenty of excuses which DH kept calling her out on until she said she just didn't want SD to go through *another* divorce.

When she picks up SD15 she asks where BM is going and SD15 just complains that they're going on a weekend away without her and how they drop her off with BMs parents or sister all the time. She said "My mom is away every weekend" so I hope MeddlesomeSIL felt like a fool. MeddlesomeSIL then starts gushing how SD is so beautiful and looks just like her mom. And SD says "bleh I look like a 40 year old woman" haha! But as I said earlier this is typical teenage stuff. She says that was so mean to say about her mom. How nice for her to be concerned with SDs relationship with BM while being a party to alienating her from DH! Ugh the balls on this woman. DH had enough of it too since he was basically a 3rd party listening to them talk about BM.

After DH hangs up he's obviously upset and complains that his family will all look after SD or his other sister's kids but they always have an excuse not to watch ours. BM has plenty of people and regulaly leaves her kids with them to do her own thing. His other sister has her in laws and parents there to watch the kids every week. He is particularly upset that his father spends tons of time with his sisters kids but not ours. We don't have a village mostly because we set boundaries with these people.

I said if his family gets you so worked up why do you answer them? And would you actually want them watching our kids? He said no but the unfairness gets to him. He doesnt want MeddlesomeSIL having SD without him knowing but they closed him out of that and SD is old enough to make her own choice. But maybe BM and his other SIL have problems in their marriages because their siblings and parents are so involved. Ding ding ding!


JRI's picture

It sounds aggravating. But one positive is your SD's responses sound realistic.

We had the BM who was gone every weekend, too, but no problem for her since she'd dumped the 3 kids here full time. Steplife.....

ESMOD's picture

I'm sure a lot of this goes back where his sister was a favorite as a child.. or your DH percieved unfairness in his family.

But.. you have a good glass half full perspective.  Look... we are lucky your family doesn't interfere with our lives.. yeah.. it might be nice if they were more interested in our kids.. but the flip side is having them feel like they have some kind of say over how they are being raised.. and honestly.. don't you see a lot of dysfunction with your daughter, her mom and your family?  you should be thankful we aren't a bigger part of that!

CastleJJ's picture

Be thankful that you, DH, and your kids are the black sheep of this dysfunctional family. I would want this shit show babysitting my kids anyway. This is one of those times where it is a good thing to be the least favorite. 

SeeYouNever's picture

Absolutely. My DH set the boundaries himself with his family, I wish he would be more cautious of MeddlesomeSIL though.

I think he wishes they would ask to spend more time with our kids but once we told them they can't stay over and we can't be expected to wait on them they decided we're the black sheep. They treated our house like a hotel and now they do the same to his other SIL under the guise of watching her kids. I'd say it's more trouble than it's worth.

floralsm's picture

Wow your SIL sounds so toxic. It's good your DH sets boundaries with them. DH is the black sheep of the family too.. DD2 is a bit of a lost lamb with all her cousins and my in laws fuss over SIL's babies and toddlers more than ours as they used to say to me 'DD doesn't know us very well'. Excuse me? Was that a passive aggressive comment because I don't crawl up your asses like my BIL wife? Who by the way is the most patronising person on the planet. Can't deal with my in laws. They act like a Brady bunch family and I always feel I'm the outsider of the clique and DH feels the same. I'm pregnant with our second and I have to chase them with how I am going. MiL never reaches out to me and I feel if I don't reach out myself and let them know they get offended we aren't making effort? 
The other annoying thing is they only offer to take SD and SS and never DD on her own. If they want to see DD it's when SS and SD are with us too. It would be nice to have date night with DH without the skids even there and they actually get one on one time with DD without her being completely ignored as SD and SS fights for their attention and DD gets only the remaining. 

SeeYouNever's picture

Wow very similar here. My DH gets all the passive aggressive messages from his mom about how she doesn't get to see our kids enough but when she's always got an excuse why she can't come to our house or why she can't come by herself and whole entire family has to come with her. The main reason why we set the boundaries we did was because my in-laws all travel as a pack and it's just overwhelming to have them all come at once.

My DH does have trouble saying no to them whenever SD is around because He knows they want to see her so he doesn't want to keep her from them and because SD communicates with my meddlesomeSIL so they usually already know when SD going to be around.

They almost always only see our kids whenever SD is also there. They spend time with SD by herself and NEVER with our kids by themselves. Then they guilt trip DH about it. It's like they want to be honored and revered but they don't want to act like normal grandparents unless we make everything very easy for them. My MIL Is a hoarder and my DH told her before we even got married that he is not going to visit their place unless she gets it cleaned up, and she hasn't so we haven't. Even though my DH was the one that said boundaries he still gets bent out of shape whenever he finds out how much time my in-laws are spending with my other SIL's kids or with SD. There is clear favoritism.

My parents live several hours away so my kids are not close to them either. My mom is a narcissist and my family all drinks too much so my DH is not comfortable leaving our kids with them until they are older. They still adore us though so we are not the black sheep on my side of the family.


floralsm's picture

Oh wow yep very familiar. Yes I can see how that is tricky for your DH to say no when SIL already knows and blabbed to your in laws. How frustrating. That's good your family are still accepting, we are close to my parents and I feel MiL has her nose bent out of joint over that. My parents are 10 years older than my in laws and retired so they have the time to spend the day with my DD2.

Yes my in laws are so overwhelming too. They are loud and have the herd of grandkids they are babysitting with for the day too. They hardly ever to come to our home, and yet are always at SIL's and she lives further away from them than we do? Now she's moving back to their neck of the woods we won't see much of them at all again. Not like we did anyway. 

My due date is late august and BIL just organised a big 'family holiday' to the top of Australia and take the kids to all the theme parks.. for early October. MiL is soo excited and everyone getting on board, meanwhile DH and I are silently sitting there until he says 'well we can't go. Floral would have only just given birth'. They all look like he just told them we cancelled Christmas. Then SIL said 'well you could still make it work..?' Omg. Spend how much on accommodation and flights for me to be stressed travelling with a newborn and toddler with minimal support from DH as he would be out all day with his two spending more money we definitely won't have. Nope, I won't go and DH definitely won't go leaving me home alone behind. 
So now there's a bit of a riff again because he pulled out on their annual family Brady bunch holiday trip. I don't see the big deal of them going and we just attend the next one the following year? But nope! That is typical us not making the effort and being black sheep's again. They also have no seperated marriages so do not understand what DH goes through with trying to manage shared custody. 

SeeYouNever's picture

Wow what a pain. My husband has a bunch of half sisters so they should understand how step families work but they also do the Brady bunch thing where they pretend like they are doing everything perfectly when in reality they are super dysfunctional. It's all about appearances with people like that. My FIL even expects my ML to accept all of his kids like her own even though she was the other woman for a while, and he cheated on her.

It's typical that they plan a trip like that and then treat you like the black sheep because it doesn't work for you. They were really caring and they really wanted you guys to come they would have planned it with you and taken into account that you have a young child and will have just given birth.

My in-laws tried to plan a water park trip like that when my first was just a baby. I knew that I would end up pushing a stroller and carrying everybody's crap while they all went on rides.

My DH said no a water park just doesn't make sense with an infant that's under 6 months and they made passive aggressive comments. They picked up SD and took her anyway. They do this all the time They plan things that they know don't work for us and then they take SD and they can play savior like DH and I are the mean people that Don't care enough to take her anywhere. If it feeds their ego to exclude us and have SD choose them over her own dad then they can have at it.

strugglingSM's picture

Both MIL and BIL also plan events that are not toddler friendly and then grumble if we decline...I'm sure they would both say that the whole thing is my fault. Meanwhile, when I met DH we always drove down to where BIL lived or did toddler-friendly activities because BIL had "small children". It's almost as if we do something that my children can attend we are somehow insulting SSs who are teens. 

strugglingSM's picture

Oh yes, we hear from MIL how she never sees our kids, but when I ask her to watch them, she always claims she'll call me to make arrangements and never does or she's busy or traveling when we need help. She also has nothing at my house to entertain a toddler, let alone a baby. My daughter turned 2 in November and MiL finally bought a cup for her to use...and it's not even a great one. She really only needed a couple of small plastic cups, since DD can now drink from an open mouthed cup. When I met DH, his niece was 3 and MIL had a whole pile of toys in her house, but now, she'll say, "we're just not used to babies" and then get annoyed when DD opens drawers and cabinets.

Also, we have a six week old son and DH's brother (who lives 40 minutes away) has not expressed any interest in seeing our child, has not asked how he is, etc. DH texts photos to his family and gets no response. BIL has seen DD about 4 times in 2 years and he and MIL will complain that she's not more friendly with them...well, you're essentially strangers to her, why would she want you to pick her up and give her a hug.

Meanwhile, BM calls both MIL and BIL for help regularly and they always drop everything and come running. 

It's at the point where I'm going to skip holidays rather than see these people because I'm so incensed that they snub my children. I have about a year before my daughter starts noticing and I will not have her thinking that it's her fault that these people are insufferable jerks.

Rags's picture

in the stench they perpetrate.  

He needs to keep calling them on it until they either stop their crap, or..... SD launches. Then it becomes her problem.

I have long held this position with the SpermClan and my IL clan.  They all are a never ending shit show of who is on the shitlist.  Usually the one on the shit list is the only one who is not perpetrating drama.

*unknw*Fortunately, my own family has little drama to navigate.  Just the occassional 'why has it been so long since you called or answered when I call'.   Other than that, everyone is for the most part happy and well adjusted. To steal a line my kid likes to play when he asked how he is doing.

Rags's picture

in the stench they perpetrate.  

He needs to keep calling them on it until they either stop their crap, or..... SD launches. Sadly, it won't end for SD.  Unless she writes them all off which most CODs cannot or will not do.

My SS-30 has written off his SpermClan for the most part.  Though they do occassionally find a crack in his armor and he struggles with some emotional pain over their crap.  He has three younger also out of wedlock half sibs by two other baby mamas.  Spermidiot spawn #2 is on the dole, #3 is in prison, #4 is not far behind #3.  SS-30 is living a great life.

I hope your SD can do the same.

I have long held the position your DH is taking with the SILs and the toxic elements of his family with the SpermClan and my IL clan.  They all are a never ending shit show of who is on the shitlist.  Usually the one on the shit list is the only one who is not perpetrating drama.


Fortunately, my own family has little drama to navigate.  Just the occassional 'why has it been so long since you called or answered when I call'.   Other than that, everyone is for the most part happy and well adjusted. To steal a line my kid likes to play when he asked how he is doing.