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Throwing money away

SeeYouNever's picture

SD15s birthday is coming up. I'm honestly not even sure when DH has last spoken to her or gotten a message reply. BM still asks for money monthly for SDs extracurriculars and DH pays who knows if she's still doing them.

DH has no idea what to give her and is thinking about just sending a $1000 gift card. That's a lot of money for someone that won't speak to you!  He might get a 2 minute phonecall out of this... She didn't acknowledge her Christmas gifts.

I'm of the mind that I will ask him for a big expense for our BDs around that time. I do have medical bills and a camp for one. I'm not draining all my savings paying for our kids alone. I hope it's in his budget.


Winterglow's picture

No offence but ... that is one HELLUVA lot of money for a 15 yo, whether or not she talks to him! Given her behaviour and her lack of communication (she can't be expecting anything because she hasn't called to let him know - sarcasm), I'd send her a simple card - if she wants anything in particular, she can call and ask, like any other teenager. 1000 is WAY beyond normal unless she's an heiress and you're rolling in it. If it's to come from communal family funds, I'd put the lid on that real quick.

SeeYouNever's picture

I agree and I feel like it's rewarding her bad behavior to send it.

I don't think relationships need strings attached, BUT if she actually agreed to see him and he took her shopping or something it would be better than just chucking a grand into a black hole.

Merry's picture

No, even if your DH is dripping with cash that amount of money is just rewarding bad behavior.

He can send a nice card with a heartfelt note. "I love you, I'm glad to be your dad, and I'm here whenever you're ready to talk."

But some people find throwing money at a problem much easier than dealing with their emotions. Your DH is going in the wrong direction here,

Exjuliemccoy's picture

$1000 is a ridiculous amount for a teen birthday gift. And what will your H give her for the next one, $2000? It sets a terrible president.

Never reward bad behavior. This girl is being a complete sh!t, so I think a card and perhaps a modest gift card would be fine.

SeeYouNever's picture

He was originally thinking of a $500 gift card and talked himself into $1000.

He really thinks he's getting off easy because she isn't asking for a car!! BTW she used to it's just that BM and her parents are getting one.

TrueNorth77's picture

How about $200? What a waste. He isn't obligated to buy her a car either. Especially when she won't talk to him. Either way, $1,000 is wayy too much. 

ESMOD's picture

I'm in the team 200 camp.  that is PLENTY for a kid that isn't communicating with him...   If there had been any prior discussion about her parents helping to get her a car for her Bday.. that is a different issue.but.. I would just do the 200.. and let her come to him if she wants more.

Stepdrama2020's picture

Forget the cash PERIOD and give her a book  on behavior and consequences. Or if ya want to give a $1000 buckaroos donate to a worthwhile charity in her name. That'll teach her to do good for others. 

No wonder skids get entitled because they are  rewarded for bad behavior. They figure the worse they are the more big daddio guilt will bring them cash.

I just dont get it.

SeeYouNever's picture

It really feels like it's a bribe to try to get her to talk to him. Over the years the bribe amount seems to get higher for her to even send a text acknowledging it.

DH seems to understand how it is most of the time but then holidays and birthdays come and he feels guilty and overindulges. But it's not even $1000 to make himself feel betterz he might feel better for a day or two, or even a week, but once SD won't talk to him all over again he'll feel used again.

I don't get it either.

notarelative's picture

I'm in the sending no gift camp. If you won't talk to me, didn't acknowledge my Christmas gift, I am going to assume you don't want a gift from me either.

CLove's picture

Isnt even responding to texts now. I sent a "great job have a wonderful summer" text, and zero. But back when it involved cash and bday gits, she was right on it.

At least shes smart enough to understand how that sort of works. But shes in beach town with momma and i guess the money hasnt run out yet.

Yeah, no money at all and no gift, she gets a card. 15 is old enough to understand that you invest in relationships.

WalkOnBy's picture

$1000?  Hell, I never gave that kind of gift to my own kids when they were that age, let alone a kid who wouldn't even speak to me....

My vote, for what it is worth, I am in the send a nice card with a nice note and an invitation to see her and chat.  

Rags's picture

Any thing beyond that, should go directly to the Skid and not to the other parent and is entirely at the discretion of the NCP. IMHO anyway.

We were given clarity by the Judge when we attempted to get the Spermidiot to pay for half of music intruments and lessons. Nope, CS covers the NCP's entire support obligation unless otherwise indicated in the CO.  In our case the only other financial responsibility beyond CS that the NCP had toward my SS was paying half of visitation travel and paying half of any medical related expenses not covered by insurance (e.g. Co-pays, etc...)

Know the CO.  Follow the CO.  Make the opposition follow the CO.

Good luck.

Ispofacto's picture

Another vote for no gift, nice card.

If she wants a gift she needs to have a relationship. Trying to buy her is counterproductive, she'll lose any respect for him she has left.


Cover1W's picture

Yes, that's your DH trying to buy her. My OSD got a trip to Europe with us, after not speaking to DH for over a year, and then zip afterwards. He freely admitted the trip was a "carrot" to get her engaged, but also was a hell of a lot of $$ and time and effort and forced me to be around her too. 

Guess what, it doesn't work.

SeeYouNever's picture

So much time and effort for nothing! He knows it doesn't work yet he keeps trying.

Pretty much everyone I know would probably think twice about $1000 for a gift. At that level there are conditions or deals to "earn it". I'm thinking computers, phones and other devices. The fact that he's considering this for someone who won't talk to him is mind blowing.

And then I look at our kids' college funds that he's never contributed to... Ugh


ndc's picture

Now this is where I'd be putting my foot down. Kids who can't give DH the time of day get nothing until he's regularly contributing to the college funds of your joint kids. Want to give SD $1000? Fine - AFTER you contribute $1000 to the college fund of each other child. No favoring one child in an attempt to buy her affections, especially since that is futile.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Year ago, a ST member discussed Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer, and how applicable one of his tenets (Never chase a dog, make them chase you) is to steplife. If the dog won't come, turn your back and walk away. It will follow, and THEN you praise it.

Your H is chasing his kid, and she knows it. If he wants her behavior to change, then his tactics need to as well.

Maybe share this concept with him? Also, if he does go ahead and gift his daughter that much (the fool), say nothing more. But take an equal amount for each of your bios and put it in their college funds. When he discovers this, calmly inform him this will happen every time he shows such blatant favoritism.

DPW's picture

He's chasing her like a puppy, begging her with $1000. How unbecoming, weak as a parent.

$100-200 tops. No cash. Some enriching experience to better herself.