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Should I be worried????

Dawnmarie88's picture

SS15 has Never been outgoing or social. The main Reason is SS15 was/is totally spoiled and never taught to do anything for himself including making friends or being part of a team.  BM was super lazy and never pushed SS15 to join a sport/activity as she could not be bother to get off the couch to make an effort. Bringing SS15 to "the park" and sitting on the bench reading when SS was little was as active as BM got. DH is not lazy but a total introvert who prefers to stay home rather than socialize. 

So now we have SS15 who has no friends, sleeps till 3pm when there's no school and watches tv from the time he gets up till bedtime. SS15 talks about kids at school but he seems unable to move on to any kind of friendship with this kids as I don't think he knows how. SS15  likes baseball and other sports but not up to the playing level of other kids his age. Also unless DH agreed to be a active part( Coach or assistant coach) and hold SS15 hand it's VERY unlikely SS15 would do it. So being 15 it's not like DH can call a peer from school for a play date. At this age there is little parents can do. 

So here's my Concern. What are the Chances SS15 will overcome this and be able to function with other people? At this age is there anything DH can do? I feel both BM and DH expected the other one to "Socialize" SS and neither did so we have a Socially 6 year old in a 15 yr old body. Is it to late to do anything?? All I can see is SS being 30 and living in my basement! 

2Tired4Drama's picture

Which is not surprising since both his parents seem to be.

One thing I'm learning is that many "kids today" are vastly different from previous generations. One of the biggest changes is there is much less spontaneous hanging around in person with other kids their age.  Thus, not as many friendships form.  So many activities are organized and scheduled.

I would think outside the sports realm to get SS more involved in the world. That can include doing a volunteer activity as a family.  Think animal rescue/care, or reading to little kids, or working on a Habitat project.  Elder care homes always need vols/visitors.

If he's not a bad kid he probably just needs a little prodding.  Once he does volunteer work, it will help with his interaction skills and confidence. 


Rags's picture

He hated leaving the house unless it was mom and dad and him together.  We started outside time for him. He would occassionally play with outher little boys in the neighborhood.  Though they did not like it much.

He was a cryer. He and three other boys were the same age. One of those boys had a little brother who was a couple of years younger.  On countless occassions I saw and heard the young one in a frustrated tone toss down the football, etc... and expound "Is he really crying again????"

So, for outside time SS would go in the back yard, sit on top of his playscape, cross his arms and just sit there.  He had an uncanny sense of time. He would knock on the back door to come back inside within a few minutes of the end of outside time.

We did not let him not socialize or remain a hermit.  Not by some grand design. His mom and I worked and engaged after school care for him.  We landed on after school care at his elementary school through the YMCA..  He did have friends. No one that most would qualify as a BFF, but he had friends. He still does not have a BFF and he is now 30yo.  His mom and I both have a few very close friends from childhood, young adulthood, and that we have made as adults. 

SS is still an introvert, but he does have pretty good social skills and can engage well with people.

I suppose he just prefers not to.

Though not planned, a few of the critical success factors we landed on for SS to develope as a comprehensively viable adult were accountability based and due to enforced standards of behavior and performance that his mom and I insisted upon.  His Jr. and Sr. year of HS at Military boarding school helped, not having a choice but to be a full time college student or have a full time job at 18yo to maintain fesidence in our home (part time school and part time work would have been acceptable as well) also helped.  Though he chose nether.

Ultimately he chose to enlist in the USAF rather than be our unpaid live in house/beck and call chore boy with an insane amount of housework ot complete each day.  We would not have kicked him out or not fed him, clothe him, etc.  But we made it extrely unpleasant to not launch. So... he launched.s

Having an escalation burning platform  sequence that forces a hesitant young adult to launch worked well for us and ultimately has worked well for SS-30.  He is kicking butt in his adult life and career.

It may be even more critical for introverts than for extroverts.


Harry's picture

Holding SS hand to get him on to a team.  Where SS can play and be part  of a ' team".   Hopefully making friends.  He can also do a travel team,

where you all go away for games, where you all become part of a group.  Where the adults drink and talk to each other   and at 15 the kids can play together. It can be a wounderful experience for all 

justmakingthebest's picture

My DS17 is not a sports or team guy. He is VERY intelligent and has always had a hard time with group activities because they do it wrong. He is president of the robotics club right now and comes home PISSED every meeting because the other kids are all "stupid". He isn't mean to anyone there, but he comes home having to fix things all the time and it makes him big mad. 

Bowling. Bowling has been the only sport he does. While it is a "team" there are handicaps for the lower level players and you are really in competition with yourself. Also, because it isn't one of the popular sports, there are surprising scholarships for playing in high school! 

I suggest giving that a shot. 

JRI's picture

Our 3 boys were all different and we had one star athlete, YSS, who adored all group sports.  OSS was athletically gifted, too, but is an introvert who did not enjoy the group activities.  DS wasnt as athletically gifted but very social.  

Ideas for those who don't enjoy group sports:  scuba, karate, motorcycle riding, skating, running.  Any of these can be group activities, or not.

I think what you are saying is that your SS isn't interested in ANYTHING.  How about pets?  Over the years, we had dogs, cats, fish, hamsters, turtles, snakes, pigeons, horses, ducks - actually, I can't remember them all but they absorbed the kids' interests.  So, DH drove the boys to pigeon shows, we took them to the ranch where we boarded the horse, I took DD to cat shows, we made trips to pet stores, etc.  

Good luck.  I'm an introvert, too, so my parents probably stressed about me laying around reading all the time.  Lol.

Winterglow's picture

Is he arty in any way? There may be other avenues to explore... 

And start by making him get up at a decent time by whatever means are at your disposal. 

Cover1W's picture

YSD16 is not interested in anything - or at least doesn't admit it to us. She does nothing really. Dropped all her friends (all 2 of them) who live near us and refuses to see them any more.  She doesn't do sports at all which is too bad because she'd be GOOD - a great runner and cyclist, but she scorns and looks down on anyone who plays or does competitions like they are stupid.  This is not DH and I at all, both of us are sporty and smart and are always doing something. 

She was in the Sunrise youth group for enviornmental awareness and action - but she really didn't do anything. She'd be online for the meeting but pretty much never participate. When DH would ask her what she DID for them she couldn't explain it. She is however, a set person for the high school drama group which doesn't surprise me. She loves building things. Can anyone say future engineer?  However she gets so involved she skips other classes and time with DH for it.

She's anti-social, doesn't do normal teen things at all, still doesn't (as far as we know) have her driver's license at almost 17, etc.

I really don't worry about it myself, not my issue. I saw all this coming looooooong ago and wasn't allowed to change anything or help her grow up. So it's all on DH and BM.