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Need help Figuring out Manipulating BM’s “end game”

Dawnmarie88's picture

Have over 4 years of step stuff build up since last post so will start with "most confusing". PLEASE READ ALL.

BM has always had trouble handling SS from a early age. A result of BM and Somewhat DH spoiling and cuddling SS till he became a Delinquent brat. BM had Legal and physical custody of SS and DH had visitation rights. 

Last spring winter feb 2022 SS15 pushed/Threatened BM  And she threw SS15 out of the house. DH went to court last June 2022 to get Custody and BM ONLY Agree to give temporary custody and refused to give SS any of his belongings at her house. BM Blamed SS15 behavior towards her on DH 100 percent saying DH Manipulated SS15 against her. 

Next court date Nov 2022 comes and all of a sudden BM Willingly agrees to give FULL custody to DH which came as a shock since BM has been Refusing for MONTHS. So here is the part I don't get

1. So why after 9 months of refusing to give up full custody of SS15 does BM just walk into court and gives up? BM stated she does not feel safe with SS but why did it take 9 months to figure it out when she's had no contact with SS?

2. BM is insisting on going to therapy with SS now. Why would she not wait and see how therapy went before giving up custody? 

3. BM is still refusing to give SS15 his stuff Including money he made with no reason. This is pissing SS off to no end. One would think if BM was trying to repair her relationship( Insisting on therapy with SS) BM would return SS15 belongings he wants.

So what are your thoughts?? I think BM is up to something but can't figure it out





Strebor's picture

Maybe having no contact has made her realise her life is easier not having custody? And possibly their relationship could be too far broken that she just wants to work on it being amicable hence the desire for therapy.

the belongings seems petty, like a punishment to SS for what has happened?

hard to give a full view as I haven't read the previous posts but I think she has either just given up or there is something else going on in the background that's not quite clear.

Dawnmarie88's picture

I think it has something to do with how well SS15 is doing with us and at school. With BM SS15 was failing school and being a bully. I know BM was hoping/thinking SS15 would continue to screw up at school and BM could point the finger at DH saying he's no better at being a parent. Well that did not happen. I think BM figured she had to change her tactics. 

I think the reason BM is refusing to give SS15 his stuff is she is planning on getting SS15 back and also plans on using it as leverage to Bribe SS15. I think she's going to use the therapist somehow to get SS15 back. Maybe she's hoping DH will let his Guard down. BM has Definitely not given up but I think she wants everyone to think she has but why is what I want to know


Survivingstephell's picture

How much money and what kind of stuff?  If you really want to take the wind out of her sails, replace that stuff so she can't hold it over his head.  I also realize that might not be possible.  Is she required to pay CS at least?   

This can be the worst lesson to learn about your parent, that she doesn't really give a crap about you and will steal your stuff.   

Dawnmarie88's picture

As far as replacing SS15 "stuff" we told SS we would BUT he wants his old stuff back and BM knows this. The reason he wants the stuff at his BM is because his Camera has photos that can't be replaced. His computer has stuff on it that he can't replace and can't get unless he gets his computer back. 

SeeYouNever's picture

There probably isn't any money and that's why she won't give it to SS.

My guess is an older SS is getting in the way of her social life so she way fine to let your DH have custody, but once he got it she wanted to maintain control.


Dawnmarie88's picture

BM life Revolved around Catering to SS. The fact DH remarried and refused to have a life outside of SS15 really pissed BM off. 

There is money BUT BM is refusing to return it to SS15 as she does not want SS15 to have it at our house. Why there could be a number of reasons but it plays into what ever Sneaky crap she's planning 

justmakingthebest's picture

I think keeping his belongings is her way to keep him tied to her. One day, probably when he is 18, she will give it back. But right now, she is being petty and controlling in the only way that she can be.

As for giving up, it was probably the thought of the fight over a kid that she doesn't like or want around. Not saying she doesn't love him, but she is probably just tired and realized her life is so much easier without an out of control teenager. 

advice.only2's picture

Who knows with these BMs?  When we got custody of Spawn, DH asked if he could get some of Spawn’s personal items and Meth Mouth and Grand Hag refused.  So we got Spawn new stuff and told her that eventually she might have her belongings again but that would depend on her mother and GrandHag.  Not even two weeks into custody all of a sudden Meth Mouth shows up on our doorstep at like 11 at night to drop off all of Spawn’s stuff because she can’t handle her precious daughter having nothing…okay Meth Mouth.  So now Spawn has all her belongings and Meth Mouth goes MIA.  A few weeks later Meth Mouth starts calling demanding Spawn return some items that got dropped off on accident.  We pretty much learned that Meth Mouth was just unstable (drug addict and NARC) and her little ploys and games were just to keep attention on her so that we were left off balance wondering when she might strike again.  We got where we just called the cops anytime she showed up at our house or on our street.  Honestly if you can think in unstable, unhinged and crazy you might be able to map out the end game of a BM, but since most people don’t think like that you will probably never know.

strugglingSM's picture

She probably doesn't really want to have any custody and is maybe using the "giving up" tactic to frame herself as a victim. That is she "tried and tried", but she just can't win because everyone is out to get her. 

Rags's picture

End her game.

That should be the only thought and goal.

Trying to figure out the brain processes of people is suboptimizing to the core goal IMHO.

What is interesting to me is the passing brief mention of SS-15 assaulting his mother. I get BM applying consequences to violent SS-15.  I wouldn't let him take a thing from my home if I had kicked his violent ass out of my home.  HE would have left only with the clothes he was wearing.  PERIOD DOT!

Be gone failed family spawn. 15 is far beyond old enough to know his violet bullshit towards a woman, his own mother no less, is wrong.  

I get that BM and DH are the root cause.  Though at 15, this is entirely on the Skid.  IMHO.

Good luck with this one. I hope the next 3 years are not pure hell for  you. Hopefully the next 3 yeaers goe quickly.

mapap's picture

Wow this sounds very similar to the situation i was in. BM kicked all 3 kids out. They came to live w us which was hell. That's another story. However same crap wouldn't give up custody wouldn't give kids their things. Going on 8 months later still hasn't given kids their things. Has joint custody but won't see or associate w the the kids. I think she is looking for an opportunity for revenge and will take it when least expected 

Dawnmarie88's picture

Figure out. Unlike your BM...Our BM is pushing for therapy, Involvement in school and even sending SS birthday day cards. Basically kissing SS15 ass except returning his belongings. Personally I think BM is not returning SS15 belongings as she does not want them at our house and it really has nothing to do with SS

Maxwell09's picture

I have two thoughts: 

BM is refusing to give him is things because it maintains some kind of something with SS. If she gives him his stuff then he won't have any reason to contact her or communicate with her. SHe is keeping those things as leverage.

Secondly, she is giving up full custody bc she doesn't want to actually deal with SS and his behavior. She wants you and your DH to deal with him AND if he gets set on a successful path, she will try to reclaim him and that. It boils down to image and control. When they have both they are happy, when they have one of the two, they will fight tooth and nail, when they have neither, they will wash their hands of it and blame DH and his wife, but never themselves and how they raised that child in their own house.