You are here

Question for “school staff” or anyone Else that can provide input

Atrium76's picture

SS15 is a freshman and the most Disrespectful spoiled brat I've ever encountered. He gets weekly Detentions for being rude to teachers, Irritating other peers by taking their stuff and hiding it, Disrupts class on a daily basis, refuses to do class work when the teacher asked him. The list goes on. If SS15 is half the pain in the ass he is at home he must be a total nightmare at school. 

BM has had SS in therapy since he was 6 with a number of different Psychologist, psychiatrist social workers. This being said SS15 has a WHOLE list of "Mental disorders" diagnosis from these providers. I personally call BS the kid is just a spoiled brat. BM makes excuses for SS for his behavior because he has a "Mental disorder" and blames DH for not supporting this every chance she gets. DH knows SS is a brat. 

So my question is the "school staff" seems to buying into this BS BM is pushing. The teachers will tell DH they see the Frustration that SS15 is feeling. The school staff feel sorry for poor SS as he seems unhappy. 

Why is the school going along with BM's  BS? I can't even Imagine trying to teach a class with SS15 in it. The school knows how DH feels that SS15 is just pushing buttons and being Disrespectful But they won't agree with him that SS15 is just being a brat. 

Do you really think the teachers feel sorry for SS15 or think he's a rotten brat and just can't say it?

ESMOD's picture

While a mental disorder may be the REASON a child finds certain behavior difficult.. that doesn't mean it should be an excuse for poor behavior when there is the ability to learn coping mechanisms, medications etc.. ways to address the disorders to allow the child to function in society.. and by function.. we would mean without disruption.

Too many people see it as "ohhhh he can't help his behavior.. he has X.. or Y".  But the truth is that in many cases, the child CAN learn to operate more within acceptable boundaries.. and it may just take MORE work by parents, teachers and the child to attain the same result.  

But to those "professionals" a diagnosis without a treatment plan is worthless right?  Ok.. so he has ODD.. how do we/he deal with that?  What kinds of incentives, consequences etc.. need to happen to encourage positive behaviors?

I can see from OP's post that she feels that to a great extent, his poor behavior is a choice and not as likely a true mental disorder.. I'm not sure how 6 DR's have made diagnosis.. without there being some underlying issue.. but why no one has been able to provide any guidance on a path forward? that is a problem.

I'm sure at the school there is both frustration with dealing with a disruptive student.. but possibly they do feel sorry for a kid that has issues that are not being adequately addressed or supported?

notarelative's picture

Once a child has a diagnosis from a medical provider the school has to work with the diagnosis. Teachers cannot legally disagree with the diagnosis. Even if they felt the diagnosis was wrong, they cannot legally say that SS is just a brat. SS has a medical diagnosis and that overrides.

That they are still giving SS detention indicates, to me, that they are not giving him a free pass. They are still holding SS accountable in the limited way they can.

justmakingthebest's picture

Exactly. My sister is a teacher and will often say that 90% of IEP's are BS and parents are just lazy but they HAVE to send emails saying things like you are stating: "I can see how frustrated the child is", "It is obvious that this is hard for them", "I know they really struggle with emotions and I am seeing that in class" - when all she wants to write is "Your child is a PITA. They are spoiled and entitled and have no consequences at home and therefore I am left to deal with your little monster at school. Quit being a shit parent and DO SOMETHING because I can't beat your kid."

SteppedOff's picture

I agree entirely with Justmaking...her information is accurate.

As stated above, when there is a professional diagnosis (or in this case seems perhaps several) the school must go with it. It is rare to have a go around it for the school without lawyers and the court system.

This has become even more of a hot button issue for school staff given the incidences of violence in schools. Blame is placed everywhere and rarely where it should be for honest accountability. It is a CYA environment.

What is playing out in a Michigan school district holding the parents accountable in the law because, they in fact, ignored their child's situation, behavior, and pleas for help leading up to the shootings is an interesting follow. It is long overdue that parents aren't held accountable and blame is shifted everywhere else. Perhaps this will enact some accountability change.



lieutenant_dad's picture

Mental health diagnoses are the reason he misbehaves. But being the reason doesn't mean it should be used as an excuse. Like, I know Taco Bell is part of the reason I'm fat, but I can't blame Taco Bell for being available and delicious (to me) for being fat. I lack the discipline to eat less, make better choices, or forgo Taco Bell altogether. I also recognize that I struggle with willpower, so I know that if I want to give up Taco Bell, I'm going to need to work on myself in order to do that.

That same principle applies here. SS has reasons that make behaving difficult, even if those reasons are unrelated to his mental health diagnoses. What SS, BM, and DH need to do is come up with a plan on how to behave better in spite of those obstacles. It will require SS to make an effort on his part, but also require BM and DH to change their parenting style to best suit SS.

Parents don't tend to like that last part because they see it as they parent their way and their kid will just have to mould to it. It's not that simple and easy. Kids are full human beings like everyone else, and everyone learns/behaves/reacts differently. If you're a good manager, you adjust how you approach and mentor each of your team members based on what they need. Same as if you're a teacher, or doctor.

Clearly detention doesn't work, so what does? Does a public school with big class sizes work for SS? Would private school with smaller classes be better, or an alternative school that has more hands-on learning? Maybe virtual school is the way to go so SS can get more mental health care. Perhaps he needs to study to take his GED, drop out at 16, and test for that instead. 

The goal is make SS as productive of a member of society as possible. If school isn't working, then it's time for switch how school looks. If BM and DH aren't willing to do that (and it sounds like they may not but for different reasons), then SS is just going to flounder and the school will suffer as a result. They only have so many options, and even if they don't work, they're only able to use what they have. This is BM and DH's problem to solve, not theirs.