But I can understand you, I go through the same thing and I also have that anxiety for the future. I always hope that 18 will be the age I will get to have my own family finally, but reading your post makes me realize it's not that simple. I also don't want adult step kids and their kids to come in my house, I'm dealing a lot with the difficulties of being a stepmom, I don't want to be a step grandma later in life. And yes that time sharing is very hard. My DH is on vacation on an island with his kids rn while Im not and I can't say anything against it. 
What I want to say is that everything you are saying, feeling is valid and normal. It's that worst part of being in a blended family. 

I'm the stepGM of 6.  SD and YSS each have 3 kids.  Both made it crystal clear that BM was the major grandma, no problem.

Does your DH really enjoy childcare?  Sometimes people buy into the "wonderful baby!" scenario but not so much with the reality. My DH sounds like "loving grandpa" but did not participate in any care.  He played with and amused the kids but balked at much more.  He definitely wanted me along, probably as buffer but also to actually do the necessary.

What I'm saying is the reality may be different from what you dread.  As far as holidays go, we established our own routines, ie, cooky baking session a few days earlier then Christmas on a date other than Christmas Eve, BM's date.  It was probably burdensome for the SKs to have to attend 2 celebrations but the gifts are HERE.  Plus, I doubt BM would have wanted us there tho SD suggested it (to make her life easier).  Our SKs were sharp enough to realize that, regardless of what they thought about me, it was advantageous to their kids to go along with our plan (fun cookie baking, gifts).

I have two adult steps - OSD23 and OSS21. OSD23 would never invite her father to anything but if she does, I would not come around. OSS21 would probably try to invite me to please his father (gates to money and support) but I would flat out refuse to be around him

I am also alone (family far away, no kids) and whenever I got married, I accepted that this would not be a conventional marriage (i didnt know how much of it would be so unconventional unfortunately) and that he would have to spend time with his children and talk to his exes. I would not care if he spent every single holiday with them because that would be less work for me and opportunities to relax and travel around

My advice is that you cant depend on your husband to fill out gaps during your free time. You should simply get out (or stay in) and do things for yourself. There wont be any changes and dont even think about asking him to reduce his time with his kids or grandkids, it will be a swift no. This type of decision has to come from him not from you or else he will hate you for disrupting his family relationship

This is another one of those x million reasons why you shouldnt settle down with ppl who have kids....the codependency may ruin it all for you

Wait, is your DH contributing money to a wedding that you aren't allowed to go to, because of his ex's feelings? And he plans to do holidays with BM and exclude you? Too much nope to even specify all that's wrong here. 

Background. Met DH AFTER BM divorced him. Dated 18 months, been married 16 years.  BM practiced Parental Alienation and the usual game playing of StepHell, along with her three adult kids (at the time) while we still had two teens coming for visitation. I was grateful DH had rotational work so I'd get large blocks of not having to deal with SKs or crazy BM. The time they were around was hell; the break was needed.

After 12 years and the final "blow" of toxic crap by DHs ADULT kids, I completely disengaged from them. I let DHs kids continually "peck" at me with their hateful behaviors and that final blow cost me heavily with my emotions. It took several years to get back to my healthy self. Lots of counseling with the blessing of "DH sees his kids away from our home." He agreed thankfully because had he not, I doubt we'd still be married.

In that 5+ years since, I had no contact with DHs kids. DH has acquired 4 biological grandkids and two step-grandkids of which he was told he'd be "grandpa." I, on the other hand, was shunned from the role of Step-grand. I'm fortunate that DHs kids live 2000 miles away with only one local (one grand, one stepgrand).  He flies out once a year to see kids/grands and if they happen to come in our area, DH visits them at their relatives' homes. It's to be noted DHs kids have never really called or visited with him on a steady basis since I've known DH. Contact almost always meant they needed something...money.

As I was shunned from Grand status, I do NOT do any Grand duties. No gifts, no babysitting, no helping. I was clear with DH....you can babysit for your local son/gf but I will not be helping. It's your job to entertain, feed, change diapers, bathe, etc. He has yet to accept a babysitting job. 

Holidays? DHs kids have NEVER invited us to their homes for any holiday. It was always BM getting invited; we got nothing. In fact, if we didn't host events at our home, they would not even visit. Their coming to our home had to include something...like food, money, gifts or entertainment. And while the BM has sinced died, nothing changes for me. DH will spend his holidays with me; he can figure out how to see his kids and grands before or after said holiday. 

So, that's my story. I hope it provides some techniques and strategies for you to incorporate in your life. While it was difficult at first (not being accepted by DHs kids and then being shunned from the grandchildren), today, I'm fine with it. I have a lot more time on hand and money in my pocket (yeah, I'd have been that grandmom that just loved on that baby with time and money). 

I'd also suggest you find yourself a therapist and one that's versed in StepHell BS. This has been a major "save" for me and for us (we do joint counseling also). It seems there will always be interjections of StepHell BS, regardless of how well you protect yourself. Example: DH tried to force a reunification recently. While awkward with the first visit (son/wife/2kids), it went okay but I did not interact with them except to be civil and polite. The second visit...the two daughters (ages 30 and 40)....not good to the point, I told the youngest to leave our property. Having a counselor who knows my story, knows the dynamics of StepHell and is a phone call away is one of the pluses in my life.

Best to you. Reach out if you ever need.

Pay for SD wedding if I was not invited. I would. Not let DH play Happy Family when I am sitting at home.  That me. I don't care about his ex.  He divorced her and there Happy Family ended.  His loyalty is to you not the ex.
 I would tell DH that either you get invited to the wedding you are paying for.  And be a pain in the rear , or you are not paying for the wedding. Screw BM,, I would make sure I was in pictures, ect.  DH will not go to birthday, holidays. Ect if BM is there. 
divorce has its costs 

Some similarities in my story- 2 adults SKIDs, I am away from family, and adult SKIDs treat me not so fabulous (not hatred but simmering contempt at times.) I stopped doing everything - I used to offer up opportunities, vacations, pay for things now I flat out do nothing. IF DH has a reasonable request for something for said SKID I consider it but I have CUT them off from the gravy train. I too...went the extra mile with allowing us to pay for the wedding- our contribution was significantly larger than anyone elses and we still got burned and I was treated terribly. In the end your DH has to decide WHO is the priority. If it is his kids and ex-wife than he's goign to live a unhappy life and you may want to consider whether you really deserve to be second. I sat in the seat of second (and heck...I'll say it - I AM A CATCH!) for a decade + justifying it because they were "kids" but once the 20s hit I started to shift that - I realized I could spend the rest of my existence being second, but....WHY? They are adults. You deserve to be first and that should be what your DH is doing. You come first, they have theri families and within balance they come second. I really think you're getting short changed. I can't imagine spending my holidays ALONE- I would be in oyur same shoes with the family not being in town and nobody in the step-fam giving a rat's arse about me. 

Some alone time is great and necessary but I am not sure this is a great life for you having to be alone. 

Side note: I do think if you're not helping with babies there's a strong chance your DH will not be offering up a babysitting situation.

They really do learn early to manipulate. After years of being "grandma" I was informed I'd no longer be allowed to see the child. I never should have had an opinion. So now the manipulation is full blown when DH is allowed to visit. I've accepted this new role. It really is much easier for me, but not for DH, but as you said, steps learn from the best.

Actually, I think you absolutely SHOULD go to the wedding. You need to assert yourself as your DHs spouse and he needs to demand his spawn show you respect.

However, the major bonus is that you'd be upsetting BM and showing her that she doesn't rule YOUR roost! She needs to grow up and assume her position as ex. She needs to be shown that you are not going anywhere.

This might also give your DH the shaking up that he needs if he thinks he's going to leave you sitting at home for the holidays.

Yes, I would definitely go. Did the money for the wedding come from his savings or from joint funds?

Guilt that you're treated like sloppy seconds and the slutty homewrecker/mistress when you aren't. He has no aims to address this with sd and put his foot down and say enough, she is my wife, my present and future and partnof my family. 
 

at wedding and other events where couples are invited, you are being singled out so as not to rock the boat. Your husband has shown you repeatedly that you are sloppy seconds under the premise "I don't wanna rock the boat".

if your man had an ounce of integrity, he'd feel guilty entertaining any of this fantasy yet alone go along with it. The first time my husband went out to see sd's miniwives alone, they played the 1 big happy family on the weekend whilst i was home with 2 toddlers after a full week at sahm. 
 

that didn't sit well with my husband that in the limited time he has free on weekends, skids especially sd's were making him and actually guilting him to choose them over me and our 2 kids together.

it took him another 1.5 yrs before telling off eldest sd who was about 24 that this was enough. That we were important and if they couldn't be civil and comply to us, then they would be alone because hubby was no longer doing the 2 separate family thing

sd's made their choice, its been 4.5 yrs of no contact with them. 

You have a DH problem more than anything.

Fortunately for my, my adult skids live 800 miles away. But it was very clear that I was not welcome in their lives. DH chased after them, left me out of conversations, decisions, activities, changed plans. We've been married almost 20 years and just a few weeks ago he ended his phone call with SS by saying "someone is at the door." That was me coming home from work, and I'm pretty sure SS knows I live there. Just an example of  keeping me invisible.

Anyway, I had enough of being his wife except for when it wasn't convenient for his kids. He had to decide if he wanted a fulltime partner or NO partner. He chose the fulltime partner. He now has a mostly telephone relationship with his kids, and I'm sure they blame me for that. Oh well. DH periodically tells me how much he misses them and wants to go see them. Ok, then make arrangements. And that's the end of it until he whines about it a month or two later.

I guess you need to decide what you can and can't live with. I am a big fan of individual counseling to help work through big decisions and boundary setting.

While his kids and Ex are problematic people..the one you have the biggest beef with is your husband.  He should refuse to allow his kids to monopolize his time.. when you are being marginalized.  I am actually not saying you should be invited to the wedding if you and his adult daughter have no love lost between you.. and I don't even think that means he can't spend HIS (NOT YOUR) money to help with wedding costs. 

BUT.. you do need to have this discussion with him.  He needs to hear your concerns.. you may be going about your business.. trying to not make him feel guilty.. "oh go.. I will be fine".. when the reality is that you are not "that" fine.. and you are not interested in constantly having him run off to play family while you are left all alone.

Maybe that means you both need to go to marriage counseling? maybe he needs to do some counseling of his own to come to terms with his obligation to continue to prostrate himself in front of his kids and ex.. to make up for things that just can't be made up.  He may have abandoned them.. he may not have been in their lives as fully as he could have or should have.. but the past is the past.. they are adults now and the time to understand that our parents do the best they can under the circumstances they were dealing with.. and that parents are human.  They may even need to understand that he did not abandon them.. but could not remain married to their mom.. it's not the same thing.

BUT.. he also needs to hear your concerns.  I do not want to expect to spend all my holidays alone.  I understand that going to the wedding would not be well recieved.. and I am happy to sit that one out.  But, I don't want to feel like I will always miss out on special days.. because I am never going to be welcome..   

Your own idea of what you want comes into play when you suggest.. or don't.. that he arrange to see his kids on his own time.. and with you.. (OR NOT).. that instead of being there on the birthday.. a tradition of a meal out and gifts with grandad with out parents or BM.. that there is a Pre or post Christmas celebration for presents and cocoa etc..

That doesn't mean he will never go to any events without you.. but that it won't be 30 times a year..

When I met DH his kids were 18 and 14, now 26 and 22. And we've lived about 4 ish hours away our entire relationship (8 years) and he always had to travel frequently with his work, even when he was married to BM.

It took me a while to catch on that skids weren't just 'slow to warm up to me, that they actually don't particularly like me. That's never been verbalize,  but actions speak louder than words.

Since the 1st grand arrived 2 years ago, I've seen DH shove me onto the back burner many,  many times, unmoved by my tears when I asked him to spend time with me. That started about 3 years ago and I've wondered many times what happened to the sweet, attentive,  doting man I married. It's taken time and therapy to do some accepting of the situation as it presently is. I cannot change it and I wasted my energy and emotions trying to change it.  But that has allowed me to find some peace for now.  Is my marriage what it was or what I want it to be? No- it's changed more than I ever could have imagined it would and not in a good way.

I think seeing a situation for what it is and accepting that you can't change someone else's behavior is powerful because it does give you the power to control yourself and your life. That might look like making changes at some point, or not, but it frees you to make yourself happy. 

I have bios and a grand of my own now,  but I haven't lost my sanity like DH does, but my bios are stable, functioning adults- SD isn't and has landed herself in a bad situation that she herself can't even see and DH is overwhelmed wanting things to change...again trying to control something he can't.  And all I can do is look after what I can manage and watch the rest crumble.  Maybe these guys will wake up and realize their wives are sick and tired of being sick and tired,  but it will still have left an impact on the relationship. 

If my DH is visiting skids and I don't go for the trip,  I still know he will be at BM's house because SD semi lives with her.  He knows how I feel about that effed up situation,  so he should know it effects me and my relationship with him because he obviously doesn't care to damage it. And it does damage it.

I may eventually leave, but I haven't gotten to that point yet. I am done letting my emotions be taken on a roller coaster ride every time I blink, so I've stepped off the ride. 

He doesn't see that his kids use him financially,  either. He wants them to love him, and they do, in their own way, but he probably won't ever have the relationship with them that he wants. And in pursuing it he will continue to damage his relationship with me, his wife.

I've stopped making him my supreme priority,  too,  since I'm not his.  He can tell me that I am all he likes, but I don't feel it or see it. 

I'd tell anyone in a relationship with someone with kids to proceed with caution.  BM wasn't in DH's life for years, even several years into our marriage, then things changed with SD's behavior,  getting pregnant,  married and living with BM.  It's the stuff nightmares are made of. Even if skids aren't openly hostile, you know when you're being tolerated for the sake of appearances.  I've semi-disengaged and do only what I choose to participate in for the sake of my own mental health. 

I would personally have a problem with my husband going to events without me where his ex would be.  If he wants to play happy family with the ex, why did they ever divorce?  I get the SD doesn't like you for whatever reason, and it's her wedding so she gets to include or exclude whoever she wants but if I contributed financially to something, I would expect that my spouse be included.  Your husband shouldn't have contributed a dime if you are excluded.  

On the holidays, why is he leaving his wife at home to hang out with the stepbrats and BM?  No.  If you're going to have to spend the holidays at home alone, why bother being with this guy?  Might as well not be married.  He isn't putting you first.  He's putting the spawn and their mother first.  He should've just stayed with the BM.  You can do better by yourself, with or without cats.  You'd probably enjoy the cats' company more than his anyway since he's just interested in being up his spawn's  behinds.  People could learn a lot from animals. 

SD. Who is playing games. Will want the BM , BF, DD , brother and or sister pictures.  It's your mission to stop this craziness.  Informing DH. That this Happy Family pictures will not happen. Or he's going to have a not so Happy Family.  That why you have to take one and go to the wedding.  Showing SD if she accepts money from you she is not in control.  And setting the tone for the future 

It sounds like some divorced people, when grandchildren come along, experience a type of regret and nostalgia for what they missed with their own kids. I've heard it called "gaga over grandkids." They gravitate toward their ex because they have this idea of what grandparenthood should look like. They never adjusted those expectations when they divorced. The thing is, BM ruling the roost for wedding planning and Daddy sheepishly opening his wallet, then them both enjoying it together, then enjoying holidays together with the grandkids, that dream should have died along with their marriage. Now, if they were both single and wanting to devote their lives to the grandkids, whatever. But to bring a new person into your life, make vows to them, then expect them to live like a second-class citizen while you prioritize your previous family, that's just sociopathic. And we read about it every day! 

I'm sure there is a lot of good advice above, but I'll be honest, I didn't read it. 

#1- Your marriage has to be the first priority or you aren't going to survive it. 

#2- Your husband is contributing to a wedding where his wife isn't allowed to come? And he doesn't see the problem in that??

#3- How are you supposed to stay in a relationship with a man who doesn't respect you? Because all of this adds up to you not being valued or respected. 

In your shoes, I would be asking him if I am his first priority and if he took our vows seriously? I would be asking what he sees the next years looking like and is he just going to leave me in the cold to play happy family with his ex? Is he going to continue to allow and foster the idea that I am someone that can just be left behind and not worthy of general decency and respect from his kids?

If he didn't have the right answers to those questions, I would leave the marriage. This isn't what you signed up for. This isn't what you agreed to. This isn't the life he promised you. He isn't even TRYING to do or make it better. 

What is relevant, extremely relevant, is that your husband shoves you to the back of the shelf not only with his crap genetic products, but even further to the back of the shelf when those products of a shallow and polluted gene pool breed.

Not something I would tolerate from a spouse.

As for toxic Skidults, not something I have dealt with.  My DW and met when SS-30 was 15mos old. We married a week before his 2nd B-day.  His mom and I raised him as equity parents.  When we married we agreed that we would be equity parents to any children in our marriage. As it turned out, SS is an only child in our family.  I have the unicorn StepParent experience. A son who I raised as my own, I was the first person he ever called Dad(dy).  His mom made me his dad, and expected me to be his dad. I would have tolerated nothing less. 

My experience is significantly impacted by the long distance visitation schedule that our son had with his SpermClan.  My DW was granted full physical and legal custody at birth which was re-affirmed by court order when SS-30 was 1yo.  And again when he was 2yo.   SS had limited long distance visitation with the SpermClan for 16yrs under the CO.  7wks of visitation segmented 5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring which they did not always take.  His real life was with us. The manipulation, PAS, lies and toxic crap was intermittent based on visitation and what crap was erupting in SpermLand at the time.

My DW did not tolerate crap from them, I had her back.  

So, we did not tolerate it when SS was a child, and we would not tolerate it now. Either from him, or from the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool.  Fortunately, our son is a man of character, honor, and standing in his adult life, his profession, and his community. His mom and I are extremely proud of him.

Though I raised him as my own from his toddler years and I have always been his dad, he asked me to adopt him when he was 22yo. We made that happen, and have papers officially documenting what has always been fact. At least for 28 years of his nearly 31 years on the planet.

Do not tolerate their crap,. Neither from your DH's failed family toxic spawn, nor from your DH.

This treatment your DH is putting you through- is a deal breaker.   It's up to you how you let people treat you - but your husband is mentally and financially still attached to his previous family and not available to you as a true husband.  Life is SO SHORT!!  Make your life matter - put yourself first and put a stop to this shit!  Either it changes RIGHT NOW - or pack the Hell up and get outta there!  Seriously, Sister!  What are you waiting for?

Dh is the problem. He needs to learn how to say no. It pretty much boils down to you drawing a line in the sand, and then being prepared to enforce his punishment. 

Couples therapy is one way to go, where a third party will hold him accountable for his enabling. 

Another thing you can do is start withdrawing cash in small amounts from the joint bank account. ( you could match the amounts that he spends on the wedding, his daughter, etc to be fair.) Then buy a small fingerprint lock safe that only you can open, and putting the cash in there for your savings account. This way its off the books, in case of divorce. Consider it your leaving money, if he can't stop this bullshit.

After having read the comments and responses, how are you????

Just concerned.

How do you tell your DuH not to spend holidays with his adult kids and ex?

What I'd do is tell him that you will be going with him every time and that he'd better get his kids licked into shape and respectful to you NOW. His ex is of no importance. However, if he ever goes to an event without you where she will be present you will be gone when he gets home.

Be firm and be serious. You are NOT his bit on the side, you are his WIFE, dammit!

When my adult SKs turned on me and DH's family jumped on board, I was really clear. If I was willing to be a doormat, I wouldn't have left the father of my children. I love my DH but I lived over 40 years of my life without him and his toxic family, and I can do the next 40 the same way. When people accuse me of making DH choose between me and his family, I clarify that his family created that situation, not me. If my DH went to a wedding I wasn't invited to, it would be the wnd if our marriage. I'd be heartbroken but my dignity and self-respect would be intact.

You are not alone! I honestly also have anxiety about the future (even though my SS is 15, so not quite an adult yet). I agree with some of the folks on here that you should go to the wedding regardless of invitation, and your husband should support that. Tell him you're going with him to the wedding, and that's that. Who cares if BM is upset?! Let her be upset! If your presence makes her uncomfortable, too bad, so sad for her. Show up looking FABULOUS, and let her stew.

As to holidays, I have learned in the last few years to just take myself somewhere nice for Christmas and let my husband have the obligation of being with his son. I have no obligation to SS - he has a mom. I used to shower my SS with presents on Christmas and his birthday, and it was THANKLESS. He would always show up to my house emptyhanded, not even a card, and one year I just asked myself WTF am I doing this for? I don't owe him anything. So I started taking my leave from work during the holidays and just treat myself to a wondeful vacation. Something to consider.

I stopped reading when I saw DH is ecstatic and throwing wedding but his wife is not invited.

Nobody treats my wife like that and I'm certainly not going to enable it.

Good Luck.