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SD24 Moving Back And I'm Dreading It

FlyBoyJ's picture

So SD24 is FINALLY graduating college.  DW is over the moon that SD24 is moving "back home".  DW seems to think that the "proper parenting" this day and age is to have the 'kids' move 'home' (and live off ME) for as long as it takes for her to "pay off her student loans" and "save for a house".  Now mind you, I am dirt poor primarily because I'm expected to financially support two ADULT offspring of my DW (SD24 and SD20) who are NOT MY KIDS.  We actually rent because the area that "my girls grew up in" and I'm forced to live in is outrageously expensive (SF Bay Area), but I'm supposed to "as a parent" "help" SD24 to "save money for a house". 

I'm sorry, but I'm ready to blow a gasket!!  When I said that "I'm done supporting ADULT 'kids who arent even mine'" you would have thought I spoke blasphmy!  DW seems to think that by marrying her, I signed up to support her ADULT offspring in perpetuity.  I also know exactly what's going to happen is that SD24 will move back from college into MY home and will sleep all day and be lazy because, "she's so tired from college".  I'm sorry, I started working FULL TIME (in construction mind you so also physical) the Monday after I graduated college!

DW thinks that this is the best thing ever that her "baby is moving back home".  I know in her mind she's thinking YEARS!  In my mind, I'm saying a few months with the expectation that SD24 works FULL TIME, starts paying her own way (ie insurance, meals, etc) and that she also should start paying rent.

Am i wrong because DW sure has told me I'm a POS for thinking this way!

marblefawn's picture

No, sir, you are NOT wrong!

You need to start negotiating quickly before baby girl moves back home. Now is the time to negotiate terms of her staying with you. Once she moves back, you'll never get her out. And...there's another right behind her, so however you handle this stepkid's situation now will set expectations for the next one, so don't give this one anything you're not willing to give the other.

It's perfectly normal to expect something to change from when she lived with you as a teen to now, when she's moving back as an educated ADULT who will soon have her own income. If you're willing to allow her to move back at all, she should pay rent, have chores, maintain employment and have a target date for moving out. If she can't be out by the moving date you all agree to, you sit down again and negotiate new terms with a new exit date. Maybe then the rent she pays to you goes up or maybe you agree to lend her the first month's rent for her own apartment (she CAN rent -- she does not need her own freaking house! If it's good enough for you to rent, it's good enough for her!)

You don't have to charge her market rate for living with you, but certainly you shouldn't make living with you too comfortable or she'll never leave!

MrsStepMom's picture

This isn’t even an option. She’s looking at having to save up to 200k. The kid won’t move out until she’s 40 at least. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You huff and puff, and yet you'll allow your wife to steamroll you. Why? You're the head of your household. You're the main breadwinner. Why don't you use your power and put a stop to this?

 

Monkeysee's picture

I genuinely don’t understand how or why you stay with a woman who sees nothing wrong with financially crippling you & putting your retirement at risk for HER children. 

I don’t understand why you don’t just say no. It’s your house. So what if DW gets mad, let her. Why do you put up with this crap???

Winterglow's picture

I think it's time you started thinking of you. What do you want to do with the rest of your life? What are your options? Single? OR with your wife? Either way, it's time to tell her that you will not have her daughter in your life. You've already gone above and beyond what any stepparent should be expected to do. 

I suggest you give yoiur wife an umtimatum - if her daughter moves in, you move out. If you are the co-owner of your home, I'd also point out that if you leave, you are going to want to sell your home ... Maybe see a lawyer about your rights? If she moves her daughter in regardless, that should let you know where you stand ... definitively. Why bother trying to make a marriage work when your partner does not value you? You have to be two to want to save your marriage and if you're wife isn't on board there's no point trying to avoid the inevitable.

You need to start the ball rolling because you've been passively taking all this crap for so long you feel stuck. Well, you're not. You have options. They may not be ideal but you have options. You don't have to stand for any more.  Stop financing your stepdaughters immediately. Refuse to let SD24 move in. You have power in this situation, use it!

Step-girlfriend's picture

He doesn't even own the house, he rents because they can't afford to own since he's too busy paying for adult skids!

It's rich that as an older adult you can't afford to own a home, yet are expected to let a 24yr old live with you so SHE can save for a house.

I agree with everyone else, why aren't you standing up for yourself? You're allowing this to happen. No is an answer. It's your money. Put your foot down about what you will and will not spend it on. This is worth the fight, and a hill to die on.

Winterglow's picture

I agree entirely. I also think it's time he started looking for a place to live where it doesn't cost an arm and a leg and where there are only TWO bedrooms. Living in the Bay Area is one thing, paying for a place with enough rooms to keep adult children is quite another. Start thinking about your retirement. You can't afford to fritter your earnings away just to please your wife and her offspring.

This is definitely a hill to die on.

MrsStepMom's picture

I cannot even comprehend why you supported them one day to begin with! How was she supporting them before you? That should’ve continued. Unfortunately you’ve set it up for her to think this is reasonable by doing it when you never should have. 

That being said, stay at home until they pay of student loans and can afford a house, in the Bay Area!! So what, 20 years?? Good lord. No no no. Tell her no way, no how, and if she doesn’t like it she can leave. 

MrsStepMom's picture

I cannot even comprehend why you supported them one day to begin with! How was she supporting them before you? That should’ve continued. Unfortunately you’ve set it up for her to think this is reasonable by doing it when you never should have. 

That being said, stay at home until they pay of student loans and can afford a house, in the Bay Area!! So what, 20 years?? Good lord. No no no. Tell her no way, no how, and if she doesn’t like it she can leave. 

tog redux's picture

Stand up for yourself. Your wife can't walk all over you if you aren't lying on the ground.

And by the way, her telling you that you are a POS for thinking that way is emotional abuse. You are being much too passive here.

flmomma08's picture

What in the world.... I'm mid 30s and am still paying on my student loans. Why does she need to wait until she pays her loans off before moving out? Sure it would be easier to live at home I guess, but she is plenty old enough to be out on her own. Most student loan providers will do income-based repayment plans if that is the issue. Don't listen to the excuses. If she doesn't have enough saved to buy a house, why can't she rent? Why is this all on you? No... just no.

wildstang's picture

are placed on the planet to financially provide them ( and their kids ) a wonderful lifestyle.

Apparently you have married one of them.  And she is raising a new generation of 2 daughters to follow her path.

I would not let someone treat me that way. ( Divorced my ex of 21 years - when he thought it was OKay ) to become a SAH parent without my permission.

You teach people how they can treat you!!!!

FlyBoyJ's picture

Everyone responding to my post has stated it correctly, I am a fool.  I'm not sure what Im afraid of.  Divorce?  I've done it once, I can do it again!  I think a couple of reasons is one, I feel like I will look like a fool to my family and friends.  They didn't overtly tell me I was going to be used as a sucker by my now DW, but I can see now in retrospect that they were hinting at that to me.

Number two is I do, at times, honestly love my wife.  She can be sweet and caring etc.  I do enjoy our life together, SOMETIMES.  Its when it comes to HER kids that we have a complete disconnect.  She views her daughters as the center of the universe.  She sees being a parent as you do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING for your 'kids' even when they are grown adults.  She truly believes that as a mom, her job is to care for, protect, provide for, and SPOIL her 'children' in perpetuity.  I completely disagree with her view on parenting!  DW is the textbook helicopter parent !

She firmly believes that by marrying her, I am somehow obligated to pay for HER kids and now ADULT children!

The sad reality is that I had hoped that like most normal parents she would encourage her kids to launch and leave the nest to make their own way.  In her world however, she see's her value as a person and self worth compltely tied to her kids.  I don't see her ever changing.  I honestly think she'd be just fine with her ADULT offspring living off ME (since DW makes next to nothing from her non-serious part time job) forever.  She wants them around 24/7, wants to go out to dinner with them even when it's supposed to be a romantic evening with her husband.  She belives every vacation or event needs to be a "family vacation".

I'm honestly so sick of it!  I've put up with her spoiled brat leeches for nine years now but they are GROWN ADULTS now and I should be DONE with them!  I know the solution, I just need to do it.

Winterglow's picture

And start looking for a nice, affordable appartment in an area you like and make sure there are only two bedrooms, one for you and one for your daughter. Tell your wife that she can come too but that there is no room for her adult daughters. Given that she won't be able to afford the one you're currently living in on her own ...

Monkeysee's picture

You should be more worried about how you’ll look if you stay with this user & her two leech mooching daughters. A few good times every once in a while is not a good enough reason to tolerate this mess. 

Who cares what people think, they’ll probably my be relieved you’ve finally put an end to this! Do you want to be working until you’re in the grave? All so the woman you married gets to live her life of luxury & treat her daughters to a life on YOUR dime??

From what I remember of your posts, their actual dad doesn’t even fund them, so why should you?? Seriously dude, kick these adult skids out & get rid of the wife if you need to. She’s not worth this.

wildstang's picture

ASAP.  If you are under 10 years married.  Get out now!  Do not let it get to the 10 year point when many, many courts and jurisdictions consider it a long term marriage.

mro's picture

Check your lease. I'm sure it lists the occupants (you and DW, hopefully not SD).  Most rental agreements do not allow additional occupants without permission.

Merry's picture

Don’t you think you are demonstrating weakness by STAYING in this one-sided relationship? I get how you feel though, believe me. I stayed in a bad marriage for 19 years because I was too embarrassed to end it. 

Have you tried individual counseling for yourself? Might help you set some boundaries and make a plan for when those boundaries are crossed. Worth a try. 

Annoyed1's picture

Putting your foot down about this doesn't necissarily mean divorce. My own BIOLOGICAL parents made me pay some rent and my own bills (phone, car, gas, etc) and work full time in order for me to move back home, once I left at 18. So for you to not want this is completely understandable. To say that you're not allowing this because you "hate her kids" is gaslighting, because I know my parents didn't hate me and they did it. I would be firm with your decision. If she gets mad, let her divorce you. It's unfortunate, but she should be putting your marriage first, kids second. Period. 

somethingwicked's picture

When is your rental agreement up for renewal?

Time to tell your wife you are done being taken advantage and for granted and used and abused .If she cannot /refuses to launch her adult babies or give you a realistic time frame  when the girls will assume responsibility for themselves and make /pay their way  in the big bad world YOU will launch yourself.

If DW wishes to stay in the current rental she will be signing and paying. And you will be leaving.

Your wife needs a reality check. And a job, if she hasn't one, to  finance  the future of her adult darlings as she seems to expect you to bust your hump for her and them until death us do part. What a libido killer.

BTW where is the EX / BioFather of these  adult women?

Time for wife to lean on the EX to fund the champagne and caviar dreams  of their adult children ~ or at least the higher education aspirations. You close your wallet.Good luck.

 

MrsStepMom's picture

Agree. Plus why should he have to pay for more space than he needs?? My mother downsized after the kids were gone. She was able to sell her bigger house, buy a new, smaller home paid in full with the profits plus pay off her car and have retirement savings AND work part time instead of 60 hour work weeks. I wouldn’t wish for her to keep struggling to support me. She still sometimes helps. If there is something I want that I am putting off due to price magically some money appears in my account. She doesn’t HAVE to but just wants to do nice things for me now and then since she can afford to now. You don’t have to never help your kids again but you are done supporting them. If some major emergency occurred sure help, but otherwise they can be adults now. 

elkclan's picture

I live in one of those high-employment but high housing cost areas, too. I fully expect we will have some kids boomerang. They aren't even in university yet, but we are already dropping hints that adults are expected to pay their way - and we will be building in regular rent increases. The longer you stay, the more you pay. I have no problem with kids using our housing as a launch. But it must be a launch pad. 

tog redux's picture

She sounds very narcissistic - feels entitled not only for you to support HER, a grown woman capable of working full-time (I assume), but her adult daughters too.  And then she abuses and belittles you when you stand up for yourself.

Narcissistic and abusive people are all nice SOMETIMES, as you said - but those good times don't generally make up for the bad times.  And most people hang in there hoping the good times will eventually be the norm, but it doesn't work like that.

Narcissistic women like her are generally nice only if they are getting their way, or they want something from you. Stand up to them and your life becomes hellish.

 

FlyBoyJ's picture

You nailed it!  DW was raised by parents who clearly treated her like a princess and never told her no, then married her HS sweetheart who, although he was cheating on her all over the place, gave her a fat bank account. She was able to live without restriction on spending. She could recorate at will, throw lavish parties, go on fancy variations and on and on. She even had her freeloading parents coming along for every trip!  

So when she met me, a guy who admittedly grew up in a upper middle class area and did have a lot of nice things, but I am very different in that regard. Since the day I graduated college I have been independent. While I was there, I worked part time during school and full time at every break, my parents graciously paid for my tuition and rent. Any “fun stuff” was completely on me. I learned to budget, save and live frugally. That has carried throughout my life where, because I chose a lower paying career because it’s what I love to do, I learned to curb my wants and live on the cheap. 

DW seems to think that because she was raised spoiled, spoiled by her ex, that she DESERVES to continue to live the lifestyle she had before me. Included in that is this idea that’s pervasive in the community we live in that “kids” even well into their 30s and beyond should be “taken care of” by the parents.  In my opinion that’s not being a good parent!  In my opinion you raise your kids to launch into their own and yes at times that means cutting them off, making them work and yes, horror of horrors fend for themselves. 

DW turns it around on me though and always tells me I need to “get a real job” (I run my own small construction firm) or “get a job at a big company so you can make more money”. To those I answer, “I was doing this when you met me, but now I’m expected to change my work, which is my passion, to support your lavish lifestyle and to support your two ADULT offspring?” 

I feel so used and just like an ATM. She calls me a “parent” when it comes to paying for them but I’m not allowed to BE a parent when it comes to saying how I expect them to launch.....

Mostthanklessjobever's picture

You are truly not being respected by your DW or these 2 SD's.  I never encourage divorce but you cannot continue to live this way.  You need to put your foot down with your DW.  Don't allow them to steamroll you, you are the man of the house and deserve to be treated accordingly, not as a door mat bank account.

BTW, you do know it's ok to SAY NO to SD24 moving back into your home, right?  I faced the same thing about 18 months ago with my SD21 and I said no to my DH.  I had lived with her once and could not do it again.  If she would have moved back I would have moved out.  She had a Mother who was pushing her to live with us and I put my foot down.  She ended up living with BM for 6 months and it didn't work there either.

IMHO, adult kids living at home never works.  Even biological kids.  They need to learn how to launch and it you continually give them a soft, warm, safe place to fall they will never learn that life lesson.