Daddy daughter day disaster
Back story: my 8yo SD has refused to come down to mine and my SOS house for over a year because she hates me and my Ds8 and Ds10 (reasons are still not clear but I suspect its because Bm has told SD that BM and SO won't get back together like SD wants because of whysoserious being with SO). SO and myself have had an our baby (DD) who is 6mo and breastfed. Since she has been born SO still has continued to see SD8 on his own and hasn't spent a great deal of time with DD on without me due to this or work.
So on to the current story. SO wants to take Dd an hour drive away to the city where SD8 lives for a daddy daughter day. He'll be leaving, in my car, around 10am and returning at the earliest 7.30pm. I have expressed that I am anxious to have Dd an hour drive away, for such a long time as Dd can't manage without me when I put the Ds8&10 to bed, as SO believes it is okay to let her cry and calm down on her own. She will get so worked up to the point she is hyperventilating.
I have left her before with my mother in Dec 21 (SO was supposed to have dd but he had to go work - he works for himself btw), that was 6 hrs (I wasn't meant to be that long but it was out of my control) and dd got so wound up she refused a bottle and food and then refused to look at me when I returned for hours, it was around 11pm when she did.
I asked for a plan from my SO, not an intensive one, just some reassurance on what he's going to do if she gets that wound up again because I don't want her not eating or drinking because she's upset, and what time they will be home because of Dds bedtime routin. He was intending to go around family that he has up there but they are either busy or have to isolate coz of covid, and as I said before to come back around 7.30pm (dd can be ready for bed at 6pm some days).
Since he didn't have any support available on the day, and I wasn't comfortable with dd coming home so late, I offered the idea of picking SD up first, coming back to ours, getting dd and a picnic that I'd make for them, SO taking both girls out until dd couldn't manage without me (could be 2hrs could be 5), bringing dd back to be sorted out by me if needed while he takes SD to our local park or play in our garden, and go back out again with them both or even take sd back to her city and have an hour with her before she goes to her mums.
Well I have very much upset SO as he said last night "looks like you're getting your own way" in regards to picking sd up 1st. The heated discussion we had surrounding the suggestion was SO saying SD8shouldn't be sacrificing anything and she'll be upset about being down here, he wants sd8 to go home saying she had a great time with her dad and sister, it's 4 hrs drive for him, dd at 6mo can manage, I'm being selfish and controlling for not letting him go up to the city.
My reply to these statements was you don't think sd8 should sacrifice anything buy she is old enough to know that she'll be returning to her mum at the end of the day, whereas dd believes we are gone forever still, I'd rather he did 4hrs of travelling than 6mo doing 2hrs when he will be the only adult in the car, dd at 6mo will not manage her emotions if her needs aren't being met,if she wants me I can't do anything because SO will have my car and that I'm not thinking of me, I am thinking of a way that SO,SD and Dd can have a daddy daughter day without dd having to sacrifice anything as only 2 days ago SO said to dd while we were on our bed "you're going to hate Sunday, and the time after that, and a few more until you'll learn to enjoy it". SO protested and said I'd heard him wrong,but I repeated what he said word for word and described the conversation before and after that comment.
I guess I'm just venting and hoping someone will tell me I'm 100% right in my position or horrifically wrong and to let SO do what he pleases and don't worry about any expense Dd may encounter.
TLDR; SO wants to take 6mo ours, breastfed baby to a city 1 hrs away, for a minimum of 9hrs, because SD8 refuses to come down here. I don't think a 6mo baby should have to pander to the whims of a 8yo and SO needs to grow a pair and parent SD.