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Daddy daughter day disaster

Whysoserious's picture

Back story: my 8yo SD has refused to come down to mine and my SOS house for over a year because she hates me and my Ds8 and Ds10 (reasons are still not clear but I suspect its because Bm has told SD that BM and SO won't get back together like SD wants because of whysoserious being with SO). SO and myself have had an our baby (DD) who is 6mo and breastfed. Since she has been born SO still has continued to see SD8 on his own and hasn't spent a great deal of time with DD on without me due to this or work. 

So on to the current story. SO wants to take Dd an hour drive away to the city where SD8 lives for a daddy daughter day. He'll be leaving, in my car, around 10am and returning at the earliest 7.30pm. I have expressed that I am anxious to have Dd an hour drive away, for such a long time as Dd can't manage without me when I put the Ds8&10 to bed, as SO believes it is okay to let her cry and calm down on her own. She will get so worked up to the point she is hyperventilating.

I have left her before with my mother in Dec 21 (SO was supposed to have dd but he had to go work - he works for himself btw), that was 6 hrs (I wasn't meant to be that long but it was out of my control) and dd got so wound up she refused a bottle and food and then refused to look at me when I returned for hours, it was around 11pm when she did. 

I asked for a plan from my SO, not an intensive one, just some reassurance on what he's going to do if she gets that wound up again because I don't want her not eating or drinking because she's upset, and what time they will be home because of Dds bedtime routin. He was intending to go around family that he has up there but they are either busy or have to isolate coz of covid, and as I said before to come back around 7.30pm (dd can be ready for bed at 6pm some days).

Since he didn't have any support available on the day, and I wasn't comfortable with dd coming home so late, I offered the idea of picking SD up first, coming back to ours, getting dd and a picnic that I'd make for them, SO taking both girls out until dd couldn't manage without me (could be 2hrs could be 5), bringing dd back to be sorted out by me if needed while he takes SD to our local park or play in our garden, and go back out again with them both or even take sd back to her city and have an hour with her before she goes to her mums. 

Well I have very much upset SO as he said last night "looks like you're getting your own way" in regards to picking sd up 1st. The heated discussion we had surrounding the suggestion was SO saying SD8shouldn't be sacrificing anything and she'll be upset about being down here, he wants sd8 to go home saying she had a great time with her dad and sister, it's 4 hrs drive for him, dd at 6mo can manage, I'm being selfish and controlling for not letting him go up to the city. 

My reply to these statements was you don't think sd8 should sacrifice anything buy she is old enough to know that she'll be returning to her mum at the end of the day, whereas dd believes we are gone forever still, I'd rather he did 4hrs of travelling than 6mo doing 2hrs when he will be the only adult in the car, dd at 6mo will not manage her emotions if her needs aren't being met,if she wants me I can't do anything because SO will have my car and that I'm not thinking of me, I am thinking of a way that SO,SD and Dd can have a daddy daughter day without dd having to sacrifice anything as only 2 days ago SO said to dd while we were on our bed "you're going to hate Sunday, and the time after that, and a few more until you'll learn to enjoy it". SO protested and said I'd heard him wrong,but I repeated what he said word for word and described the conversation before and after that comment. 

I guess I'm just venting and hoping someone will tell me I'm 100% right in my position or horrifically wrong and to let SO do what he pleases and don't worry about any expense Dd may encounter. 

 

TLDR; SO wants to take 6mo ours, breastfed baby to a city 1 hrs away, for a minimum of 9hrs, because SD8 refuses to come down here. I don't think a 6mo baby should have to pander to the whims of a 8yo and SO needs to grow a pair and parent SD.

 

AgedOut's picture

the easiest word, and yet the hardest word for us to say is "no." does his older daughter know she'll be sharing Daddy on Sunday? She might not like that plan. 

Whysoserious's picture

He's lucky I've offered a compromise really. I dont think SD knows, and she won't enjoy it because she is a mini wife and decided what they're doing usually, whereas I specifically said I'd like SO to be making the decisions for them all on Sunday as I won't be comfortable having an 8yo make decisions that affect my baby. 

Mominit's picture

The child you refer to as MY baby is also SD's sister,and your DH's baby.  Mommy instincts are strong, but you need to take a big calming breath here and remember that at 6mo the baby doesn't really care what they're doing.  If she wants to eat hot dogs from a vendor on the street and then go to the park or eat lobster and visit a museum, it's all the same to the 6mo.  Trust your husband that he's not going to put the baby's carseat under a park bench and wander off.  If you give him time to bond with all of his children he may surprise you.  At the very least, he'll get the opportunity to spend time with his infant daughter and remember how hard it is to care for an infant! Smile

Mominit's picture

I was you, I did what you're doing, and it was the worst thing I could do for my DD.  I protected her fiercely, even from her father.  He didn't watch her the way I did (he used to have her in her car seat beside his chair so he could play video games, I was irritated that they weren't "spending time together").  Everything your DH does from the length of time he allows her to cry, to the way he interacts with her is being scrutinized and found lacking.  So you crack down and explain why he can't spend time with his daughter the way he wants to.  As a result he'll spend less, and less.  And your daughter will get more firmly attached to you.  It's a self fulfilling prophecy.  So as much as you hate to hear it, yes, you're wrong here.  Feed her before she goes, express a bottle for him to take with (if you're worried about her using a bottle infants younger than 6 mo can drink from a cup or a teaspoon), and feed her when she gets back 6 hours later.   She'll be fine.  She may have a rough first day, she may have a rough second time.  But YES it's important that she learn that she can depend on her father as well as her mother.

He is wrong as well.  An 8 year old child does not get to choose to stop seeing her father!  If there is a CO, he needs to put his foot down and start adhering to it!  It is not doing her any good to be put in charge at such a young age.  He needs to let her know that she will be spending more time with her family at his house.  So perhaps this week he brings her sister to hang out with them.  Next week they hang out back in your city.  The week after that she hangs at the house for half the visit and in her city for half the visit.  And the week after that it's a full day at your house...etc. until she's finally sleeping over and back to the CO visit schedule.  He needs to keep it light and happy for the first few visits to ensure she doesn't just dig her heels in and be miserable on purpose, but he needs to be a father here, and insist on her place in his life.  If she was 12 or 13 I'd say that ship has sailed, but at 8 years old he needs to stop letting her dictate the terms of their relationship!

Winterglow's picture

He has spent hardly any time with your DD, has no idea what a baby needs (you do NOT expect a 6mo to cry it out) and thinks she should behave like an older kid, and he wants to take her away for an entire day?! He's either a masochist, a sadist or a loon. Does he even know how to change her? I would let him start by taking her in increments of an hour and working up. It would mean that she'd get used to being with him instead of you too. 

I also agree with AgedOut, your SD is not likely to be happy about having anyone else around, much less a baby who needs attention and who is liable to be very vocal when her needs are not met. There is no way his daughter is going to go home and say she had a great time if there is a baby with them. By the way, the fact that he said that makes me think that this is less about thrilling his daughter than sticking it to BM ...

shellpell's picture

I agree with this. If he hasn't spent much time with DD, he should start with short increments, not a whole day. Plus an hour ride each way if she is awake and crying would be hellish. And yes, while she is DHs child and skids HALF-sister thst doesn't mean she doesn't need her mother more at this very young age. 

Whysoserious's picture

He makes me look like I have no idea he's that good but he seems to have been taught to look after babies as thought it's the 1800s. I'm totally into the responsive parenting (just seems so natural if I'm honest.) But I do think he's living in a dream world to think she'll be okay for a minimum of 9 hrs for the 1st time. That's why I offered the compromise of bringing sd down here then getting dd after, coz if everything goes t*ts up, he's 10-20 mins away at best, not 60. 

 

No SD very loudly on Xmas eve, while her grandad and my SO were playing with dd on the swing (it was her first time) "and where's my attention?!, after having her dad for over an hour to herself on the very same day.

Whysoserious's picture

You're right I don't wanna hear I'm wrong but I wanna hear the truth more. You've written it in such a brilliant way. I'm scared because my eldest 2 were with me until about 2 except for when I gave birth to ds8 and took him for life saving surgery. But dd has a different dad who does care and wants to look after her. I am wrong aren't I. I'll be apologising for being a monster momma when he returns from work. 

 

There is no CO, no mediation and he stays at his parents over night with her some times (he asked if I'd manage on my own with dd when she was 5 days old,so he could go -he didn't go because I was recovering from major blood loss and surgery but SD was invited down here and she refused.) This time last year I tried to organise days out as a family once a month to help sd rejoin the family before dd was born. It happened twice and SO said he preferred to have SD on his own. So i stopped trying or caring about it. I think a bit of me is worried dd will take on negative traits that sd is allowed to show. That sound so pathetic when I read it aloud! 

Thank you again, for your wise words.

Mominit's picture

It's a strong woman who can see both sides of the arguement.  There's nothing wrong with being fiercely protective.  Hopefully your DH steps up to the plate and forms a stronger relationship with both his young girls!

(That was quite a reply! I have a lot of respect for your willingness to honestly consider my experience.)

SeeYouNever's picture

I would have laughed in my DHs face suggested this. In actually pumping for my breastfed baby right now. No fucking way.

While I do take my kids to daycare and I'm routinely away from my baby, it's a necessity for work. This day with SD isn't. It's extremely disrespectful to you and indulgent of an 8 year old. 

My SD wanted DH to bring our babies to her to meet, we told her if she wants to see them then she can come to our house. She lives 2.5 hrs away. 

Whysoserious's picture

Well sd was bought down to us the day after dd was born to meet dd, so she could feel special being the first person who wasn't me or SO... she refused to come in the house and said she'd only meet dd if we bought her outside to her because she hates babies. I refused that! So SD didn't meet dd until 5 months old properly,just because SD didn't want me to go with dd and SO and SO didn't want to upset SD.

Ispofacto's picture

DH should get a CO and stop coddling SD8.

But you may regret a CO, because she sounds like a brat and then she would be a brat in your house.

 

bananaseedo's picture

SHe doesn't get to say NOPE as he is the father and as such, has a right to his daughter-ask any judge.  At 6 months I assume she has started solids?  THere is no reason she can't introdue a bottle of pumped milk at this stage for dad to spend time with her.  Now, he's willing to listen to not ler her cry as much, good.  He will likely be home earlier is my suspicion and realize he overstretched, but by all means he has a right to try and fail.  I get your concern OP, but your anxiety of being away from her COULD Be feeding her own reactions torwards her dad.  If he's wanting to try, let him, and go enjoy the day with your two sons one on one.  Pack him a bottle and be done.  

The fact he wants to include her instead of leaving her behind, is a good thing, ,even if she cries more then with mom- if anything he and her have an opporunity to bond, he learns how to console her, she learns to trust dad.  It's a win-win.  I seriously doubt he will stay gone that long, and if he does and she does ok, then that's an amazing result! One hour away is not THAT bad honestly- it's a typical commute to work around my parts.  

Whysoserious's picture

I'm not saying no to him or the day out at all. I gave him a compromise that meant dds needs aren't below SDs, because her needs and wants are put above other people's regularly. If SD doesn't want me or my boys there, we're told to stay home and we do. If SD says she wants to have a sleepover with her dad, she does but she wants it at his mother's house and I don't see him for an entire weekend. It can be 9.30pm he gets home sometimes. I think that's too late for a baby.

Winterglow's picture

Please tell me you're kidding! He has sleepovers at bm's because his precious princess insists? Doesn't he see what she's trying to do?! It's time he straightened her out about a few things. 1. He is not ever getting back with her mother. 2. You and he are a package deal. 3. Adults make the rules and decisions, not little girls. 4. Little girls don't get to uninvite people - that's just rude. 5. You are now all part of the same family - deal with it. 

Rags's picture

First. What ball-less wonder allows an 8yo to refuse visitation?  DH needs to grow a set and start smacking BM with a contempt motion each and every time BM fails to surrender his daugther as defined in the visitation section of his Custody/Visitation/Support order.  SD needs to see mommy getting her shit jacked up by a Judge and to see daddy and the police at BM's door at the start of every visitation until mommy pulls her head out of her ass.

Though it is your DH that is the one who most definitely needs his head extricated from his rectum and man up.

Second.  Your DH is your DD-6mo's father.  There are bottles, she will be with her father.  And.... dad should be able to have a day with his daughters.  He will feed her when she is hungry, she will cry periodically. All babies do.  And your DH is right, she will stop crying. She will be in a car for an hour+ in both directions.  She will cry, and she will go to sleep. That is what car rides do to babies. 

You picked him to be the baby's father.  Trust that choice and give him a day with his daughters.  If I were you DH and you did not agree. I would do it anyway.

IMHO of course.

 

Kaylee's picture

I think the compromised the OP suggestedis perfectly reasonable, generous even. The dad has not spent much one on one time with the baby at all, and now wants the quantam leap of having her on his own for 9 hours? HAHAHAHA....NO! 

At 6 months old, and breast fed, baby needs her mum much more than she needs A WHOLE DAY out with Disney Daddy who, when his daughter says "jump" asks "how high?" 

The huge issue is is NOT the OP being difficult and not trusting Dad or allowing him time alone with the bub. No, the issue is, from what OP has said, is that little Miss Eight is allowed to dictate every aspect of their lives. FFS, this is ridiculous. And it's Dad that has allowed all this.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I agree. A child that young should never be allowed to dictate visitation. Wtf is wrong with these "parents?" It's not good for them to have parents who are not in control. I think it erodes their trust in the adults in their lives. Maybe a full day of trying to please a tiny tyrant while taking care of a baby will teach this guy a lesson. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

If he takes this epic journey with a baby and 8-year-old, he may just realize how much work is involved and it might be the last time. Sometimes if you give someone what they think they want, they realize it wasn't the best idea. 

Kaylee's picture

Totally agree.

From what OP has described, this guy works very long hours (by choice) and, is not really available for bonding and quality time with his baby daughter. One example is him saying he can't commit to reading her a bed time story, even occasionally.

Yet, he jumps through hoops to spend every Sunday, and sometimes all weekend, with Miss Eight, ON HER TERMS. So in actual fact, she gets far more one on one time with her Dad, than the baby does and probably ever will.

This guy needs to grow some balls, stop pandering to his daughter, and start having her visitation at his and his partner's family home. Yes, they are a family unit, and SD needs to see and understand that. And to realize that kids don't make decisions, adults do.

Carriem's picture

I personally wouldn't allow my 6 month old to travel in the car that long unnecessarily. It's not required, if SD and DD are to spend time together I wouldn't allow my SO to cut me out of the situation. I understand it's a Daddy daughter day but by the way he explained future Daddy daughter days looks like it's a weak excuse to cut you out, cater to SD8 rubbish behaviour.

I would be putting my foot down and not allowing him to try to bandaid fix this by taking your daughter out of your house for 9 hours at 6 months to spend time with SD. If he wants SD and DD to have a relationship it starts with You being accept and the entire family being accepted including your kids not just DD.  This will become a major issue for you later.

I'd offer to play happy family, cook a nice meal or go out as a family for SD to understand the family dynamics and where she fits in.

Otherwise it's just SO and SD if that what they choose but I'd remind them that it their decision not to try to integrate with the family. 
 

I have a blended family and there's just no way I'd allow this. 

 

 

 

AgedOut's picture

The SD will not be pleased when Daddy surprises her with the baby in the car. He is putting both kids into a position he needn't. I suggest he pick up SD, come back to your area, pick up baby, go somewhere for an hour or two, then return baby and take SD home. And I think that will be too much for him. A sullen 8 yr old + a needs (as they should be) baby who may not be happy & will show it does not = a happy daddy day.