You are here

Daddy daughter day disaster

Whysoserious's picture

Back story: my 8yo SD has refused to come down to mine and my SOS house for over a year because she hates me and my Ds8 and Ds10 (reasons are still not clear but I suspect its because Bm has told SD that BM and SO won't get back together like SD wants because of whysoserious being with SO). SO and myself have had an our baby (DD) who is 6mo and breastfed. Since she has been born SO still has continued to see SD8 on his own and hasn't spent a great deal of time with DD on without me due to this or work. 

So on to the current story. SO wants to take Dd an hour drive away to the city where SD8 lives for a daddy daughter day. He'll be leaving, in my car, around 10am and returning at the earliest 7.30pm. I have expressed that I am anxious to have Dd an hour drive away, for such a long time as Dd can't manage without me when I put the Ds8&10 to bed, as SO believes it is okay to let her cry and calm down on her own. She will get so worked up to the point she is hyperventilating.

I have left her before with my mother in Dec 21 (SO was supposed to have dd but he had to go work - he works for himself btw), that was 6 hrs (I wasn't meant to be that long but it was out of my control) and dd got so wound up she refused a bottle and food and then refused to look at me when I returned for hours, it was around 11pm when she did. 

I asked for a plan from my SO, not an intensive one, just some reassurance on what he's going to do if she gets that wound up again because I don't want her not eating or drinking because she's upset, and what time they will be home because of Dds bedtime routin. He was intending to go around family that he has up there but they are either busy or have to isolate coz of covid, and as I said before to come back around 7.30pm (dd can be ready for bed at 6pm some days).

Since he didn't have any support available on the day, and I wasn't comfortable with dd coming home so late, I offered the idea of picking SD up first, coming back to ours, getting dd and a picnic that I'd make for them, SO taking both girls out until dd couldn't manage without me (could be 2hrs could be 5), bringing dd back to be sorted out by me if needed while he takes SD to our local park or play in our garden, and go back out again with them both or even take sd back to her city and have an hour with her before she goes to her mums. 

Well I have very much upset SO as he said last night "looks like you're getting your own way" in regards to picking sd up 1st. The heated discussion we had surrounding the suggestion was SO saying SD8shouldn't be sacrificing anything and she'll be upset about being down here, he wants sd8 to go home saying she had a great time with her dad and sister, it's 4 hrs drive for him, dd at 6mo can manage, I'm being selfish and controlling for not letting him go up to the city. 

My reply to these statements was you don't think sd8 should sacrifice anything buy she is old enough to know that she'll be returning to her mum at the end of the day, whereas dd believes we are gone forever still, I'd rather he did 4hrs of travelling than 6mo doing 2hrs when he will be the only adult in the car, dd at 6mo will not manage her emotions if her needs aren't being met,if she wants me I can't do anything because SO will have my car and that I'm not thinking of me, I am thinking of a way that SO,SD and Dd can have a daddy daughter day without dd having to sacrifice anything as only 2 days ago SO said to dd while we were on our bed "you're going to hate Sunday, and the time after that, and a few more until you'll learn to enjoy it". SO protested and said I'd heard him wrong,but I repeated what he said word for word and described the conversation before and after that comment. 

I guess I'm just venting and hoping someone will tell me I'm 100% right in my position or horrifically wrong and to let SO do what he pleases and don't worry about any expense Dd may encounter. 

 

TLDR; SO wants to take 6mo ours, breastfed baby to a city 1 hrs away, for a minimum of 9hrs, because SD8 refuses to come down here. I don't think a 6mo baby should have to pander to the whims of a 8yo and SO needs to grow a pair and parent SD.

 

AgedOut's picture

the easiest word, and yet the hardest word for us to say is "no." does his older daughter know she'll be sharing Daddy on Sunday? She might not like that plan. 

Whysoserious's picture

He's lucky I've offered a compromise really. I dont think SD knows, and she won't enjoy it because she is a mini wife and decided what they're doing usually, whereas I specifically said I'd like SO to be making the decisions for them all on Sunday as I won't be comfortable having an 8yo make decisions that affect my baby. 

Mominit's picture

The child you refer to as MY baby is also SD's sister,and your DH's baby.  Mommy instincts are strong, but you need to take a big calming breath here and remember that at 6mo the baby doesn't really care what they're doing.  If she wants to eat hot dogs from a vendor on the street and then go to the park or eat lobster and visit a museum, it's all the same to the 6mo.  Trust your husband that he's not going to put the baby's carseat under a park bench and wander off.  If you give him time to bond with all of his children he may surprise you.  At the very least, he'll get the opportunity to spend time with his infant daughter and remember how hard it is to care for an infant! Smile

stepmomnorth's picture

I think that babies can get used to being with only one parent at a time and it's healthy for them. I think the only way it will happen though is if you allow him try sometimes. I don't understand the defeat position without giving your partner the chance. He will never learn to bond and manage with the young child on his own without being given the chance. To tell him he'll fail before allowing him to try seems wrong.

However I think this is totally separate from the daddy daughter day and I do think that daddy daughter day would go best with just the dad and your SD, so that they can have that one on one time. 

Whysoserious's picture

I do agree that babies get used to being with one parent and it's good for them and I'm not trying to stop him. I want to know my baby isn't going to be left to cry until she's hyperventilating or having decisions made for her by an 8yo (she usually calls the shots on the days SO sees her).

Since dd has been born SO chose to go and spend his days off work with SD alone and if he's had a day where he could have had dd alone he's either booked in work and I've had to find someone else to have dd or just sat on his arse aying videogames, rather than going out for an hour or two with dd. To add to it, dd is breastfed and doesn't take a bottle. Based on that alone, I don't think the first time he takes her out on his own should be so far away, and for so long that it interferes with her routine. I'm really trying to be reasonable with babies needs at the heart of it all.

Winterglow's picture

About getting him to spend time with your DD ... What worked for me when I had my twins was getting them fed, bathed and ready for bed so that when he got in from work, I left him for a whole hour (didn't necessarily leave the house) on his own with them.  He got a whole hour of quality time with them and I got an hour of freedom :)  Win-win!

Whysoserious's picture

If he's here I leave her with him unless I can hear her hyperventilating. A lot of the time he doesn't get back until im putting her bed though. I asked him to be here for bedtimes so he could read to her and do the pjs/nappy while I read Harry Potter to my eldest 2 as that was going to be out 2:1 time. His reply was he couldn't commit to that coz he might be working late. So my boys don't really get time with me without dd. Sd does with SO, maybe I'm feeling salty because SD gets away with murder compared to the boys and they've had to compromise attention from me whereas it seems SD doesn't have to do that.

Winterglow's picture

He "might" be working late? NO DAMMIT, NO! We are talking about his daughter here, not some household chore! OK, if he absolutely HAS to work late ok,  but he damn well can do it the rest of the time. Ask him why he doesn't want to spend time getting to know his daughter. I'm thinking more and more that him wanting to take her out with SD is more about irking bm than bonding with his daughters.

Whysoserious's picture

In all fairness, and his own words,he feels like a t*t for starting his own construction business just before our baby was born. I have mentioned several times to him, he's a workaholic and in control of his hours so he can leave whenever he sees fit. 

Winterglow's picture

He may say that he feels bad/guilty about starting his business at that time, but what exactly is he doing to remedy that?

It would be so much more constructive (and easier!) if he tried doing baby steps to start with and not launch into an epic outing like he's planning to.

Whysoserious's picture

He's told me he'll stopping booking Saturdays and finishing on time.

This is why I thought the compromise would work for at least the first time, maybe she's fine and go further and longer for subsequent ones.

Mominit's picture

I was you, I did what you're doing, and it was the worst thing I could do for my DD.  I protected her fiercely, even from her father.  He didn't watch her the way I did (he used to have her in her car seat beside his chair so he could play video games, I was irritated that they weren't "spending time together").  Everything your DH does from the length of time he allows her to cry, to the way he interacts with her is being scrutinized and found lacking.  So you crack down and explain why he can't spend time with his daughter the way he wants to.  As a result he'll spend less, and less.  And your daughter will get more firmly attached to you.  It's a self fulfilling prophecy.  So as much as you hate to hear it, yes, you're wrong here.  Feed her before she goes, express a bottle for him to take with (if you're worried about her using a bottle infants younger than 6 mo can drink from a cup or a teaspoon), and feed her when she gets back 6 hours later.   She'll be fine.  She may have a rough first day, she may have a rough second time.  But YES it's important that she learn that she can depend on her father as well as her mother.

He is wrong as well.  An 8 year old child does not get to choose to stop seeing her father!  If there is a CO, he needs to put his foot down and start adhering to it!  It is not doing her any good to be put in charge at such a young age.  He needs to let her know that she will be spending more time with her family at his house.  So perhaps this week he brings her sister to hang out with them.  Next week they hang out back in your city.  The week after that she hangs at the house for half the visit and in her city for half the visit.  And the week after that it's a full day at your house...etc. until she's finally sleeping over and back to the CO visit schedule.  He needs to keep it light and happy for the first few visits to ensure she doesn't just dig her heels in and be miserable on purpose, but he needs to be a father here, and insist on her place in his life.  If she was 12 or 13 I'd say that ship has sailed, but at 8 years old he needs to stop letting her dictate the terms of their relationship!

Winterglow's picture

He has spent hardly any time with your DD, has no idea what a baby needs (you do NOT expect a 6mo to cry it out) and thinks she should behave like an older kid, and he wants to take her away for an entire day?! He's either a masochist, a sadist or a loon. Does he even know how to change her? I would let him start by taking her in increments of an hour and working up. It would mean that she'd get used to being with him instead of you too. 

I also agree with AgedOut, your SD is not likely to be happy about having anyone else around, much less a baby who needs attention and who is liable to be very vocal when her needs are not met. There is no way his daughter is going to go home and say she had a great time if there is a baby with them. By the way, the fact that he said that makes me think that this is less about thrilling his daughter than sticking it to BM ...

shellpell's picture

I agree with this. If he hasn't spent much time with DD, he should start with short increments, not a whole day. Plus an hour ride each way if she is awake and crying would be hellish. And yes, while she is DHs child and skids HALF-sister thst doesn't mean she doesn't need her mother more at this very young age. 

Whysoserious's picture

He makes me look like I have no idea he's that good but he seems to have been taught to look after babies as thought it's the 1800s. I'm totally into the responsive parenting (just seems so natural if I'm honest.) But I do think he's living in a dream world to think she'll be okay for a minimum of 9 hrs for the 1st time. That's why I offered the compromise of bringing sd down here then getting dd after, coz if everything goes t*ts up, he's 10-20 mins away at best, not 60. 

 

No SD very loudly on Xmas eve, while her grandad and my SO were playing with dd on the swing (it was her first time) "and where's my attention?!, after having her dad for over an hour to herself on the very same day.

Whysoserious's picture

You're right I don't wanna hear I'm wrong but I wanna hear the truth more. You've written it in such a brilliant way. I'm scared because my eldest 2 were with me until about 2 except for when I gave birth to ds8 and took him for life saving surgery. But dd has a different dad who does care and wants to look after her. I am wrong aren't I. I'll be apologising for being a monster momma when he returns from work. 

 

There is no CO, no mediation and he stays at his parents over night with her some times (he asked if I'd manage on my own with dd when she was 5 days old,so he could go -he didn't go because I was recovering from major blood loss and surgery but SD was invited down here and she refused.) This time last year I tried to organise days out as a family once a month to help sd rejoin the family before dd was born. It happened twice and SO said he preferred to have SD on his own. So i stopped trying or caring about it. I think a bit of me is worried dd will take on negative traits that sd is allowed to show. That sound so pathetic when I read it aloud! 

Thank you again, for your wise words.

Mominit's picture

It's a strong woman who can see both sides of the arguement.  There's nothing wrong with being fiercely protective.  Hopefully your DH steps up to the plate and forms a stronger relationship with both his young girls!

(That was quite a reply! I have a lot of respect for your willingness to honestly consider my experience.)

Tried out's picture

prefers her mother or other primary caregiver it means you're doing an absolutely great job as a mother (or other primary caregiver.) A child who doesn't develop that attachment is at risk for developmental delays and  attachment disorders. I've worked with kids all my life and have advanced degrees in this area. Plus I'm a mom. And a grandmother. 

Will your baby survive a day without you? Of course. But if it's not strictly necessary why would anyone think it's okay to put her through it? Especially a six month old breast fed baby! 

Your compromise is your best alternative, especially because dad isn't concerned that his baby cries. She has no other way to tell him what's wrong or what she needs and he thinks it's okay to ignore it? Would he let SD cry it out? Give me a break. Dad is expecting his wants to be more important than your baby's needs. That is incredibly selfish behavior.

Trust your instincts. Learn more about developmental stages and appropriate expectations. And keep advocating for your daughter even if it pisses her dad off. Because if you don't, who will?

 

Whysoserious's picture

I'm a assistant teacher as my job and I've done child development and psychology courses for years now so I do feel quite confident in my decision of the compromise. If she has cried for 30 minutes straight and won't eat because she thinks I'm gone forever and started to grieve,he can come home in a flash and I can help him sort her out. He can even take her out again once she's happy. I really don't want to jeopardise any relationships but the younger the child,the higher the priority they are. Not saying our other kids aren't a priority, but they should be a 8,8 and 10 at an emotional and cognitive level to understand that dd has absolutely has no chance of looking after herself. I mean, she only realised she had feet 2 weeks ago. 

I sent OH an article from psychology today with several studies saying that leaving a baby to cry can have detrimental effects on them and he took it on board, and the next time she cried properly, not a whinge, he was straight up and asking her what's upset her. So I think he's willing to learn  because he is absolutely amazing with children and loves his own dearly. I just don't think he knew. Well according to him, SD cried uncontrollably as a baby... I wonder if it was because they were taught to use the cry I out method and a detached parenting style.

Thank you, its good to know that I'm not being totally insane and unreasonable. I really want all 6 of us in the family to have good relationships with each other, not become an obstacle for them!

Tried out's picture

And it makes me sad about SD. Maybe she can learn about quality parenting from you so she doesn't continue the cycle. My granddaughter's BM is very punitive and her own wants come before anyone else's needs, including her daughter. But GD is wonderful with her little twin brothers (dad's kids from 2nd marriage) so hopefully won't repeat her mother's mistakes.

Mominit's picture

If you only let children experience what is "strictly necessary", you limit them.  I was the over-protective first time mother who did everything "better" than my ex.  And as a result he very quickly learned that nothing he did was good enough, so he was better of taking himself elsewhere.  Just like the OP's DH who takes himself off to work, or to spend time with his SD by himself.  Likely because if he does it under the watchful eye of Mom she will not be happy with HOW he does things.

I think we have to remember that we are only 1 of the 2 people who made this baby.  Only 1 of the 2 people who should be allowed to raise the baby.  So yes it's great that the baby has a strong attachment to Mom.  But as mother's we shouldn't have husband's who consider themselves lucky to spend time with their child when we allow it.  We should have equal partners who are allowed equal say in how the child is raised.

Spending time with his infant daughter will get her used to him.  If he chooses to do that by getting out of the house for a day, who are we to say no you may not!  It's HIS daughter as much as it's HER daughter.  He has the right to parent, to make mistakes, to bond his own way.  And as OP pointed out, he does listen to her.  He's willing to change his approach to allow less time crying rather than a cry it out approach.  

I volunteer with infants, I'm a mother who did it both ways (my way is best, and try equal parenting).  I'm always pleased to see a baby who is happy to go to mom OR dad.  Being tightly bonded to two people as an infant is a good thing.

Tried out's picture

right mind would suggest it's anything but good when dad is involved in her care. That's a pretty big leap. If dad was used to taking care of the baby on his own it would be a different thing altogether. There is plenty of time for that to happen in the near future. I agree with the other responders who recommended an incremental approach which will be much easier on and more developmentally appropriate for the baby.  Rome was not built in a day.

CallMeCrazy's picture

Why did you have a baby with a man you don't trust to care for her?? 
She isn't your (singular) child. She is your (joint) child. He has every right to access to her that you do. Golden uteruses aren't attractive on SM's, either.

Whysoserious's picture

Well he's brilliant with kids. Absolutely smashing at it. But since she was born he hasn't done a great deal of 1:1 time with her because he has either chosen to go work or see SD on his own. I'm not trying to limit his access at all, in fact on a few occasions I've planned to go and do something without dd and asked him to keep the time free to have her on his own. He's then booked in work because he's forgot to write it in his diary, so I've had to either take her with me, cancel or ask my mother to have her. For example,I've asked him to be home every night to have her while I read Harry Potter to my boys but for the most part, he's not been there so my 2:1 time with the elder 2 becomes a 3:1 time. Or the girls afternoon out that was booked for nearly a month and my mother had to have her coz it was an activity that couldn't be cancelled. 

SeeYouNever's picture

I would have laughed in my DHs face suggested this. In actually pumping for my breastfed baby right now. No fucking way.

While I do take my kids to daycare and I'm routinely away from my baby, it's a necessity for work. This day with SD isn't. It's extremely disrespectful to you and indulgent of an 8 year old. 

My SD wanted DH to bring our babies to her to meet, we told her if she wants to see them then she can come to our house. She lives 2.5 hrs away. 

Whysoserious's picture

Well sd was bought down to us the day after dd was born to meet dd, so she could feel special being the first person who wasn't me or SO... she refused to come in the house and said she'd only meet dd if we bought her outside to her because she hates babies. I refused that! So SD didn't meet dd until 5 months old properly,just because SD didn't want me to go with dd and SO and SO didn't want to upset SD.

Mamabearof3's picture

I wouldn't do it personally. Sounds like a mess. SD can sit in the car easier than DD. He needs to not sacrifice doing what's best for DD for SD. 

Whysoserious's picture

That's why I gave a compromise, SD already thinks she's better than the rest of us,I don't want that for dd too.

Ispofacto's picture

DH should get a CO and stop coddling SD8.

But you may regret a CO, because she sounds like a brat and then she would be a brat in your house.

 

bananaseedo's picture

SHe doesn't get to say NOPE as he is the father and as such, has a right to his daughter-ask any judge.  At 6 months I assume she has started solids?  THere is no reason she can't introdue a bottle of pumped milk at this stage for dad to spend time with her.  Now, he's willing to listen to not ler her cry as much, good.  He will likely be home earlier is my suspicion and realize he overstretched, but by all means he has a right to try and fail.  I get your concern OP, but your anxiety of being away from her COULD Be feeding her own reactions torwards her dad.  If he's wanting to try, let him, and go enjoy the day with your two sons one on one.  Pack him a bottle and be done.  

The fact he wants to include her instead of leaving her behind, is a good thing, ,even if she cries more then with mom- if anything he and her have an opporunity to bond, he learns how to console her, she learns to trust dad.  It's a win-win.  I seriously doubt he will stay gone that long, and if he does and she does ok, then that's an amazing result! One hour away is not THAT bad honestly- it's a typical commute to work around my parts.  

Whysoserious's picture

I'm not saying no to him or the day out at all. I gave him a compromise that meant dds needs aren't below SDs, because her needs and wants are put above other people's regularly. If SD doesn't want me or my boys there, we're told to stay home and we do. If SD says she wants to have a sleepover with her dad, she does but she wants it at his mother's house and I don't see him for an entire weekend. It can be 9.30pm he gets home sometimes. I think that's too late for a baby.

Winterglow's picture

Please tell me you're kidding! He has sleepovers at bm's because his precious princess insists? Doesn't he see what she's trying to do?! It's time he straightened her out about a few things. 1. He is not ever getting back with her mother. 2. You and he are a package deal. 3. Adults make the rules and decisions, not little girls. 4. Little girls don't get to uninvite people - that's just rude. 5. You are now all part of the same family - deal with it. 

Tried out's picture

double take on that, too. but she actually says his mom's, not BM. Thank god.

Winterglow's picture

Sorry, my reading wasn't so hot this morning but at least you understand why I went off on a rant!

stepmomnorth's picture

You've already labeled it daddy day disaster. It's essentially dooming it before it begins and is all very negative. Having a little faith may go a long way. 

Whysoserious's picture

That's coz when I asked for some reassurance by just a loose idea of what time he was planning to come back and for him to make the decisions for dd (SD usually decides everything on his days, not him). For that I got called controlling,selfish and manipulative. I wasn't even thinking of me, just trying to give dd a bit of a voice with her being 6mo and him not having spent even an afternoon with her on his own yet, because he's chosen to either book work in or go see SD on his own. 

Tenn9lov's picture

Forgive me if you commented on this and I missed it. Has your SO discussed his plan with sd? I mean, does sd know she will be spending her time with daddy and a 6mo old? I ask because you stated that sd refuses to come to your home and that she hates you and your ds's.

What is different about the 6mo old? Why would sd want to spend anytime with her? IMO sd would hate dd just as much as she hates you and your ds's. IMO sd would be angry with daddy for having a baby with you. I'm having a difficult time believing sd is going to be happy about spending the day with daddy and the baby.

Furthermore, IMO this father sd/dd day further divides the family. Your SO should be focusing on establishing a CO with the expectation that sd would be spending time at your home, with you, your ds's and dd. IMO it seems foolish for your SO to push a relationship between sd and dd but not insist sd establish a relationship with you and your ds's too. What does the future hold if this is allowed to continue?

 

Whysoserious's picture

I don't know if he has discussed it, but I doubt it because he doesn't plan ahead for much. We'll SD refused to come into our house to meet dd when she was a day old (mentioned that in another reply), and only met her at 5 months because SO didn't tell SD that dd and me were coming up too (notice ds aren't invited - as per usual). 

Well he said that me and ds must take baby steps with SD in regards to building a relationship again, she's apparently very fragile and we're all very horrible to her and don't include her. So I really do not see family time with all 6 of us ever again, apart from  Xmas where I put my foot down and say no all the children will be visiting his family. 

Tried out's picture

freaking nightmare you live in!

Winterglow's picture

"we're all very horrible to her and don't include her"

It seems to me that she's the one who doesn't want you around, not the opposite.

 

Rags's picture

First. What ball-less wonder allows an 8yo to refuse visitation?  DH needs to grow a set and start smacking BM with a contempt motion each and every time BM fails to surrender his daugther as defined in the visitation section of his Custody/Visitation/Support order.  SD needs to see mommy getting her shit jacked up by a Judge and to see daddy and the police at BM's door at the start of every visitation until mommy pulls her head out of her ass.

Though it is your DH that is the one who most definitely needs his head extricated from his rectum and man up.

Second.  Your DH is your DD-6mo's father.  There are bottles, she will be with her father.  And.... dad should be able to have a day with his daughters.  He will feed her when she is hungry, she will cry periodically. All babies do.  And your DH is right, she will stop crying. She will be in a car for an hour+ in both directions.  She will cry, and she will go to sleep. That is what car rides do to babies. 

You picked him to be the baby's father.  Trust that choice and give him a day with his daughters.  If I were you DH and you did not agree. I would do it anyway.

IMHO of course.

 

Kaylee's picture

I think the compromised the OP suggestedis perfectly reasonable, generous even. The dad has not spent much one on one time with the baby at all, and now wants the quantam leap of having her on his own for 9 hours? HAHAHAHA....NO! 

At 6 months old, and breast fed, baby needs her mum much more than she needs A WHOLE DAY out with Disney Daddy who, when his daughter says "jump" asks "how high?" 

The huge issue is is NOT the OP being difficult and not trusting Dad or allowing him time alone with the bub. No, the issue is, from what OP has said, is that little Miss Eight is allowed to dictate every aspect of their lives. FFS, this is ridiculous. And it's Dad that has allowed all this.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I agree. A child that young should never be allowed to dictate visitation. Wtf is wrong with these "parents?" It's not good for them to have parents who are not in control. I think it erodes their trust in the adults in their lives. Maybe a full day of trying to please a tiny tyrant while taking care of a baby will teach this guy a lesson. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

If he takes this epic journey with a baby and 8-year-old, he may just realize how much work is involved and it might be the last time. Sometimes if you give someone what they think they want, they realize it wasn't the best idea. 

Kaylee's picture

Totally agree.

From what OP has described, this guy works very long hours (by choice) and, is not really available for bonding and quality time with his baby daughter. One example is him saying he can't commit to reading her a bed time story, even occasionally.

Yet, he jumps through hoops to spend every Sunday, and sometimes all weekend, with Miss Eight, ON HER TERMS. So in actual fact, she gets far more one on one time with her Dad, than the baby does and probably ever will.

This guy needs to grow some balls, stop pandering to his daughter, and start having her visitation at his and his partner's family home. Yes, they are a family unit, and SD needs to see and understand that. And to realize that kids don't make decisions, adults do.

Carriem's picture

I personally wouldn't allow my 6 month old to travel in the car that long unnecessarily. It's not required, if SD and DD are to spend time together I wouldn't allow my SO to cut me out of the situation. I understand it's a Daddy daughter day but by the way he explained future Daddy daughter days looks like it's a weak excuse to cut you out, cater to SD8 rubbish behaviour.

I would be putting my foot down and not allowing him to try to bandaid fix this by taking your daughter out of your house for 9 hours at 6 months to spend time with SD. If he wants SD and DD to have a relationship it starts with You being accept and the entire family being accepted including your kids not just DD.  This will become a major issue for you later.

I'd offer to play happy family, cook a nice meal or go out as a family for SD to understand the family dynamics and where she fits in.

Otherwise it's just SO and SD if that what they choose but I'd remind them that it their decision not to try to integrate with the family. 
 

I have a blended family and there's just no way I'd allow this. 

 

 

 

AgedOut's picture

The SD will not be pleased when Daddy surprises her with the baby in the car. He is putting both kids into a position he needn't. I suggest he pick up SD, come back to your area, pick up baby, go somewhere for an hour or two, then return baby and take SD home. And I think that will be too much for him. A sullen 8 yr old + a needs (as they should be) baby who may not be happy & will show it does not = a happy daddy day.