feeling like DH doesnt do enough when SD is here
and it leads to SD4 following me damn near everywhere even when her dad is here, she follows me from room to room asking what I'm doing, wanting to watch a movie with me, asking me for snacks, to play with my things, wanting to hug me and sit in my lap, etc. Even when I do play with her its like not enough and she still just wants more and more of me and I know I should be flattered but jesus f*cking christ... I'm really not an affectionate person to begin with and on top of that I have a 7mo baby who is exclusively breastfed and an 8yo boy... I know SD just misses her mom because now she is with us for a full week but dammit Im getting burnt out... and so annoyed with her asking for a hug from me every 5 minutes but I also don't want her to think I don't love her. I feel like DH isn't giving her enough positive attention so she seeks me out to give it to her but I'm faking it most of the time and it's almost like its expected of me to just keep doing these things that I don't want to do because I'm the woman of the house... But by the end of the day I'm so damn cranky.
Sorry for the rant >_<
Your DH?
Have you talked to your DH about this? I think your feelings are perfectly natural, especially with a breast-feeding baby and an 8yo. He might be feeling very positive about her attraction to you and just may not be tuning into how needy SD is. I'd start with a long talk with him.
Ive talked with him about it
Ive talked with him about it before. The problem is DH thinks it's endearing how much SD wants to be affectionate with me. He loves that she's comfortable with me and doesn't see the problem with constant hugs and cuddles and kisses (not that there is a problem with it, it's just that physical affection doesn't come naturally to me, especially with other people's kids...)
And i guess i like that she's comfortable with me too but I don't wanna break her little heart by telling her that she shouldn't be all cuddly with everyone constantly
He can find it endearing all
He can find it endearing all he wants, but it's YOUR body and YOUR affection and YOUR attention. Moms of babies get touched out super fast, especially when they're breastfeeding. You're probably not super interested in being touched by anyone at the moment, let alone a child who isn't biologically yours who is using you to cope with their own anxious feelings.
Don't take that as me blaming SD. I'm not. She's responding like a 4YO would respond. But this squarely a problem your DH needs to handle. He can buy her a big teddy bear to hug and comfort with. He can teach her coping mechanisms. He can sign her up for preschool so she gets some of that nervous energy out of her system. "Endearing" isn't helping SD cope, and it's only going to drive you to become resentful.
So here is what you should consider saying to DH:
"DH, I'm glad she likes me and feels comfortable with me, but I'm touched out. I don't want extra hands on me. I have a baby hooked to my boob most hours of the day, and I had baby inside of me for 9 months. I cannot be a physical comfort to other people right now.
SD is showing us that she is anxious. She needs you to help her navigate through her feelings. You don't get to choose for me that she can use me as her coping mechanism. I'm not going to be a living teddy bear. She needs YOU to guide her through this. Hug her more, buy her a big teddy bear she can snuggle with, let's find her a preschool so she has others to engage with during the day and let out some energy, especially once my BS is in school. But expecting me to just comfort her all the time is not the solution. I can't do it. I won't do it."
If he balks, just reiterate that it's not his choice. You can help him find other ways to help SD. Even intact families find ways to engage toddlers in other activities when there is a newborn/infant around because it can be overwhelming.
He needs to step up, and you just have to put your foot down. You can be a positive influence on SD and be a good babysitter to her without being a replacement mom. If your DH doesn't like that, then he can give primary custody back to BM and relegate himself to an EOWE dad.
"Go ask your dad honey".. "I
"Go ask your dad honey".. "I'm busy.. see if your dad can get you a snack".. "I'm getting ready to feed the baby... but your dad would probably love to watch a movie with you.".
Physically lead her to where dad is and say.. "oh honey.. SD is bored.. why don't you spend some time with her" and leave.
I do this often, along with
I do this often, along with talk to DH about his much attention his daughter needs and how he needs to step it up when she's here... and he (mostly) listens. But lately he's seen dropping the ball a lot. We got into a whole argument last time she was with us because he spent the whole weekend being a cranky asshole and trying to dump her on me multiple times and then had the nerve to tell me I dont make her feel like she's welcome here. Like wtf dude, you haven't been attuned to her needs at all and I'M the one not making her feel welcome? *scratch_one-s_head*
I just want to fully disengage so bad but i'm only like, halfway disengaged because of the circumstances
So give him a list (and make
So give him a list (and make it a long one) of all the chores that you could have been doing for him to do while you are making her "feel welcome". He can't have it both ways.
He does understand that her visitation is for her to see her father, not to have her dumped on a handy babysitter (no offence intended but that is what you are in this case), doesn't he?
Today is different because SD
Today is different because SD tested positive for covid so can't go to daycare for the rest of the week. DH tested negative so still has to work. He stayed home on day 1 with her but I was still so burnt out by the end of the day. The next day he needed to go back to work so I kept her. It was fine until right around naptime where she became an anxious mess and wouldn't sleep despite having a high fever and she wanted to crawl in my lap while I was feeding the baby. I was so touched out by the time DH got home I told him I can't do this anymore and he would need to figure something out tomorrow. He knows I'm not her babysitter but I feel the resentment growing every time I tell him no...
You need to explain that the
You need to explain that the purpose of her visits is to spend quality time with her father.. not his SO. That you are already caring for two other kids and adding a third person looking to suck the soul from your body.. is not fun.
Not that you don't mind spending some time with her.. and being kind to her while she is there.. but honestly.. you have a lot on your plate.. and she needs to see him.
Maybe you tell him the solution is for him to be more present for ALL the kids in the home instead of requiring you to do all of that while plays mr cranky pants.
So make him do it all.
.