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Trying to stay calm

hachikou's picture

My husband and I and our kids' mom have a pretty friendly co-parenting relationship at this point. It used to be very hostile between them and we used to not share any sort of information at all. Now with the relationship being a lot nicer, their mom is more open about sharing what is going on in her life and problems while I do not like sharing any sort of personal problems. I don't mind talking about some aspects of my life (works, school, kids). 

I have been struggling to get pregnant. We have been on fertility treatment for over a year and are about to start the process for IVF. I did miscarrage last year and still processing the grief at times. There are a very few people who know about the miscarrage, us being on fertility treatment, and starting IVF. Family members and maybe 2 friends on each of our side probably know. I don't mind our family and friends know about IVF and I don't mind talking to them about it. But it very rarely gets brought up and I am never the one to bring up the topic. 

A couple days ago, I got a call from our kids mom regarding our daughter getting earrings. She wanted to share the news and pictures and we were all super excited. Somehow the topic shifted and she mentioned my miscarrage and fertility treatment. It caught me off guard because it still hurts to talk about my miscarrage and I was confused about how she knew we were on fertility treament and IVF. She was not being mean and she did not bring it up to be spiteful, she was in her way trying to be encouraging and told me how heartbroken she was when I miscarried. I carried on the conversation as best as I could without crying while she told me her story about trying to get pregnant her and her current husband's little girl (my kids youngest sibling with their step dad). 

During the phone conversation, my husband was at his computer desk next to me and I could visibly see him tensing up. After I got off the phone, I asked him if he told her about IVF and the fertility treatment. He at first denied it and said I told them about it. I tried to stay calm and explain I did not because I don't talk about it nor do i ever bring it up in a conversation especially with his ex-wife and her husband. My husband thought about it and I guess realized he let the cat out of the bag sometime ago. He said he thought I had already mentioned it to them and that they ket asking how I was doing and if we planned on having kids and all that so he mentioned it briefly. Honestly it was an accident. He really truely thought I told them and didn't see the big deal in them knowing since our family and a few friends know as well. I told him I don't see them as friends and I'm not comfortable with it and to respect my privacy. He apologized but the information is already out there. I'm trying to stop being upset about it since we talked about it and he apologized, but it's hard trying to stay calm.


CLove's picture

When you are connected to a whole separate family through common children, everything is "public knowledge". I really hate that aspect of things. DH has previously shared INTENSELY personal things about me for various reasons that sounded ok when he explained them, but that continues to bug me to this day even though it was 6-7 years ago that he did this.

This is where I comment about boundaries and how necessary they are. No matter how "friendly" you are with BM, always remember that you must create and enforce healthy boundaries. Boundaries are GOOD. They are not a negative thing.

Im sorry you went through miscarriage. I have no bios of my own and its a source of pain sometimes. For me, its coupled with resentment because Toxic Troll Bm had kids and is a HORRIBLE mother.  I am not allowed any parenting at all of skids. It totally sucks but Im hoping once Skid turns 18 and graduates high school there will no longer be the continual threat of court and full custody.

SeeYouNever's picture

I went through fertility treatment as well and I was terrified of BM finding out. 

It's an uncomfortable topic anyway and even more uncomfortable with an ex that has kids with your current spouse! I couldn't stand the thought of her knowing the problem was on my end since DH was able to get her pregnant and then feeling smugly superior. 

Even if BM is nice it doesn't mean you want her to know. Going through infertility as a stepparent is such a lonely experience. We can't even really share it with our spouses because they have kids and don't know what it's like to long for one and not be able to have one. I got mad at my husband several times for telling people I didn't want to know about our fertility treatment. He didn't think it was that big of a deal but of course he didn't he had a child and he had an unplanned child at that. He never had to think that something was wrong with him or worried that he wouldn't be able to be a parent. 

I'm really sorry infertility is the worst, it hurts you to your soul. I hope IVF works for you the first cycle.

Esperanza's picture

I'm sorry about your miscarriage and challenges with getting pregnant. It must be so hard for you.

I think that your DH genuinely didn't mean any harm and that the information might have slipped. The thing is that because you are all so close maybe he didn't realise it could be something you specifically didn't want to share. I can definitely see something like this happening in my situation as well, me and my DH are extremely close with my exH ( my sons dad) and we consider him family (my DH has said so himself), he is even our daughters godfather ! I always try to be very respectful of the things I share with him because I don't want to over step any boundaries regarding my DH privacy. My DH on the other hand is an over sharer ! He shares everything and usually doesn't even notice he has shared personal stuff about me.

I think you should try hard to let it go. It's seems he understands he did something wrong and apologised and hopefully he will learn to be more careful in the future...



Harry's picture

It's another thing to be friends with someone your SO had sex and lived with.   If you don't want BM to know the color of your underwear, then stop all this friends tv show stuff and actually co parent.  
And your SO is so wrong for running his mouth to his ex.  He not over her,  I would bet on it.  That's why he wants to be buddy ,,buddy with her.

superlado's picture

I know it feels awful like a betrayal.  I'm so sorry. If he's genuinely apologized and acknowledges it is a mistake that is really all you can ask for.   The cats out of the bag so to speak.  If you are not comfortable having BM talk to you about your personal experiences then don't.  Tell your husband to tell her he was wrong to give out your personal medical info and he'd appreciate it if she kept it to herself and didn't communicate to you about it. 

she is a after all the BM and She could use this against you later. You never know when the relationship will change with her.

I was also a childless stepmother. I experienced a still birth then infertility   I did 18 months of fertility treatment then did ivf. My savings account was wiped out and never recovered fully. It's so hard to go through something that's tough emotionally, physically, and financially. I understand it can be very isolating. I had a therapist after my loss and continued working with her through my infertility treatment. Therapy can be a wonderful release; I highly recommend it. They support groups just weren't my thing but I have friends who found them helpful. 

all the best to you and hoping that ivf is successful !