Infertility in a Blended Family is Especially Cruel
DH and I have been trying to have a baby now for years. DH has twins from his previous marriage (SS/SD9) -- I've been with DH since twins were 2.5 years old. I've no bio kids of my own.
It's been quite a journey already and it seems that we aren't done. Between the all the invasive testing, multiple doctor offices all around the state, a surgical procedure for DH, and the delays on all of this because of court actions from BM, our stress levels are already sky high. (Yes, I know, stress is bad for fertility.) DH's recent test results after the surgical procedure came back really poor and the doctor put him on a round of medication hoping that his results improve next time. We're left with the impression that this is a Hail Mary treatment to some extent.
Doctor told us that sometimes this treatment is all that's needed to perk things back up again but if this doesn't work, we're out of options between DH and I. The results from his last test weren't even good enough to pursue IVF. IVF might be an option if the medication does something but that's a whole other round of pokes, prods, and visits with doctors all over the state. Doctor told us to start talking about a sperm donor or adoption just in case. It doesn't look good...
The terrible thoughts running through my head are overwhelming. I wake up in the morning trying not to cry; I go to sleep at night trying not to panic. I never realized how awful infertility was until it was my turn (or, at least, DH's turn). My family is trying to comfort me with things like "at least you have SS/SD!" but I'm sure this forum knows how complicated that can be as a comfort. I always told myself before DH that I would be okay with adoption but that doesn't seem quite as comforting now, either. DH and I had talked about sperm donors before we went down the surgical path but there's something dizzying about that, too.
So much of being a stepmom is incomplete, unsatisfying, and disappointing. My go-to methods for stress relief are unavailable, inaccessible, or not cutting it. Despite the hell that DH, his ex, and his kids have put me through, I still love him and my SKs. I still can't help but feel left out -- DH has his two kids/I have none. BM is a holiday/summer mom -- she is the "fun" parent who always undercuts DH and I and she's always taking us to court. (She's already talking about taking us back again -- my guess is this time it'll be this summer/early fall when we'll be in front of a judge again.)
I'm running out of reasons to get out of bed in the morning.