You are here

Infertility in a Blended Family is Especially Cruel

SAHsigh's picture

DH and I have been trying to have a baby now for years. DH has twins from his previous marriage (SS/SD9) -- I've been with DH since twins were 2.5 years old. I've no bio kids of my own.

It's been quite a journey already and it seems that we aren't done. Between the all the invasive testing, multiple doctor offices all around the state, a surgical procedure for DH, and the delays on all of this because of court actions from BM, our stress levels are already sky high. (Yes, I know, stress is bad for fertility.) DH's recent test results after the surgical procedure came back really poor and the doctor put him on a round of medication hoping that his results improve next time. We're left with the impression that this is a Hail Mary treatment to some extent.

Doctor told us that sometimes this treatment is all that's needed to perk things back up again but if this doesn't work, we're out of options between DH and I. The results from his last test weren't even good enough to pursue IVF. IVF might be an option if the medication does something but that's a whole other round of pokes, prods, and visits with doctors all over the state. Doctor told us to start talking about a sperm donor or adoption just in case. It doesn't look good...

The terrible thoughts running through my head are overwhelming. I wake up in the morning trying not to cry; I go to sleep at night trying not to panic. I never realized how awful infertility was until it was my turn (or, at least, DH's turn). My family is trying to comfort me with things like "at least you have SS/SD!" but I'm sure this forum knows how complicated that can be as a comfort. I always told myself before DH that I would be okay with adoption but that doesn't seem quite as comforting now, either. DH and I had talked about sperm donors before we went down the surgical path but there's something dizzying about that, too.

So much of being a stepmom is incomplete, unsatisfying, and disappointing. My go-to methods for stress relief are unavailable, inaccessible, or not cutting it. Despite the hell that DH, his ex, and his kids have put me through, I still love him and my SKs. I still can't help but feel left out -- DH has his two kids/I have none. BM is a holiday/summer mom -- she is the "fun" parent who always undercuts DH and I and she's always taking us to court. (She's already talking about taking us back again -- my guess is this time it'll be this summer/early fall when we'll be in front of a judge again.)

I'm running out of reasons to get out of bed in the morning.

beebeel's picture

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know how hard it is to take care of yourself when everything seems so futile. We went through much grief before being overjoyed with the arrival of our son. It was a long, hard and entirely worthwhile journey. Try to stay positive and take some pressure off if you can. Many, many hugs.

markwvualum's picture

Im sorry you are going thru this but please keep in mind everything happens for a reason. You can always adopt and there are many other options out there but thats not the first thing that crossed my mind. What is is that sometimes we think by having a child with our partner it will help with the fact that we feel so left out and invisible in our own homes. We think by having our own child with them that we will have someone to make us feel more significant, worthy, on the same level and included. Im not saying this is the case with your situation but please keep in mind if it is maybe thats a red flag. Having more children will only complicate the situation, not make it better. Please think about what is encouraging you to want to have a child in the first place and if its that you feel not on the same level, worthy, included in your own home that is the problem.

SAHsigh's picture

Yes, twins are certainly DH’s. DH had a hasty vasectomy after his divorce and decided to reverse it after we got together. In the time between procedures, his fertility dropped more precipitously than the doctors had suggested when we started down this path.

New_to_this's picture

I'm sorry your going through this. DH and I went through fertility struggles for many years and went through two IUI's (with meds and shots) before miraculously getting pregnant naturally. We want to have another, but as much as we are trying, it has not happened naturally for almost three years and I'm reluctant to have hormone shots again or try IVF.

I understand your feelings too about your stepkids. I felt the same way. It was so easy for BM to get pregnant with DH and DH's side of the family procreate like rabbits, so it was especially hard, since I felt like no one understood. I also felt like I would couldn't stay with DH long-term if we didn't have our own.

It's hard. Try and give yourself a break. Take a vacation with DH without the skids. Do things for yourself while you are trying to pregnant. Good luck.

Rags's picture

I too am a BK-less parent. You have my condolences on your frustration with your situation.

My perspective on the topic is a bit different. I love kids but have never had any urge to have any of my own. Had that happened... great. I would have engaged in it whole heartedly just as I have engaged wholeheartedly in my life without a BK.

I raised SS-25 as my own. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. The SpermClan is our version of the BM that you struggle with so I get that frustration too. Since the BM in your situation is the "holiday/summer mom" my assumption is that your DH is the CP and BM is the NCP. My wife was the CP in our blended family life and the SpermIdiot was the NCP. That did not keep the SpermClan from initiating irritating but inconsequential court actions for a number of years. Until they learned that stupidity gets punished in court.

I hope your court outcomes mirror ours and that you can put BM in her place and use the CO to keep her smacked into line.

You have my best wishes for the outcome you want from your conception quest.

Take care of you.

CLove's picture

You sound very depressed, and there is a lot going on that is sucking the energy out of you. It is no wonder getting out of bed is a chore. Kids, being themselves are much work, and two the same age and that young who are still very dependent, are twice the work. Added to that your efforts in trying to conceive! You have much on your plate to deal with.

I too have no natural children - and really miss that! TBM was able to conceive no problem - and she really doesnt do much for her children. SO does all the clothes shopping, and pays for bday parties and does all the school shuttling, and back to school shopping. Etc.

In fact - he took Munchkin SD11 out shopping for her first bras, and first pads. I was the person who taught her how to use them. I take her to museums and the beach, and nature walks. It just doesnt seem really all that fair does it? And then you always hear "life isnt supposed to be fair", etc, platitudes that dont really help, and in fact make you feel worse.

Im sorry that you have a high conflict BM - that only makes it worse. And that really sucks. Try to take some time out for YOU. A massage, a spa day, just time for yourself. I find that writing and journalising - here and other places helps to relieve the stress. People telling you not to stress - that probably makes you more stressed.

Hugs to you.

tigerlily74's picture

Dear SAHsigh, I am 100% with you on this.

I'm 43, married to DH for almost exactly three years. He's much older - 19 years to be exact. His tests came back fine.

We did two rounds of IVF in the latter half of last year. The first yielded three eggs, only one of which got fertilised and subsequently didn't stick. The second round was heartbreaking: despite being on the highest possible dosage of fertility drugs, I only produced one egg - and when the doc went in to retrieve it, he couldn't find it. The clinic then refused us a third attempt and told us nicely to take our business elsewhere.

It was always a dream of mine to drive around in a family car with two kids in the back and two dogs in the boot. Obviously, with age, I scaled that dream down to just one child. Just one. But things haven't turned out that way.

Being married to DH who has three grown children (who hate me) and three grandchildren is very, very difficult. Especially when I know DH is off visiting his grandchildren. It's so hard knowing his awful Ex-Wife is the "Mother of His Children" and will always have that title - and in all probability, I will never have that honour.

I never thought I'd be afflicted with infertility.

Big hugs. You're not alone xx

paul_in_utah's picture

Same thing happened with me and Partner. She had two kids by the time she was 21, and when we later met and started trying, were unsuccessful. We paid the IVF Robber-Barrons a pretty penny, old to find out that Partner could not sustain a pregnancy due to hormonal issues (don't worry, the Robber-Barrons still wanted our money, I mean wanted to keep trying to help us).

In hindsight, I'm glad we didn't have any kids. My Partner's laissez-faire attitude towards parenting would have caused endless conflicts, even though I would finally have been a "real" parent. It wouldn't have been worth it.