I seem to have descended into a malaise I've read all too often on this site. I'm hoping that sharing this with others in similar circumstances will, if nothing else, give me the sense that I was able to get it off my chest.
I have twin SKs (SS/SD8) that currently live with us full-time. BM moved 800 miles away in July 2016 and lost her petition to relocate SKs with her. The current CO states that twins will spend all major school holidays and the majority of summer with her and the rest of the time they will be here with DH (and myself). DH filed for CS now that custody is 80/20 and was awarded a reduced amount because he waived BM's obligation to pay for childcare. BM was pretty ticked off that he was awarded anything and appealed -- the appeal reaffirmed that she should be paying more but they gave DH some kind of monthly credit to accrue against BM should she ever try to take him back to court for custody or CS again.
Prior to this, there was a 50/50 CO in place since DH and BM divorced about 6+ years ago. The previous order had no CS provision in part because BM makes a significant amount more than DH. Details aren't really necessary but DH waived BM's CS obligations in part to "keep the peace" because they each got 50/50 time with twins and both make enough money to handle the expenses of their kids without assistance from the other parent.
Now that BM has been ordered to pay DH CS, her crazy has ratcheted up another notch. She says her and her current husband are going to file for divorce (they have a 3 year old together)and she and her soon-to-be-ex are trying to move back. She also told DH that she's going to take a lower paying job , get 50/50 custody again, and make DH pay her CS. (Side note: DH's attorney doesn't think that'll happen because she'll be assessed at her earning potential.) She's telling DH now that once her oldest son (17 year old from a relationship prior to DH) finishes school this term, they'll be trying to move back around June.
BM has always had boundary issues and my DH isn't assertive enough to get her to back off. She goes from making wild accusations and threats to DH (and sometimes me) to trying to be BEST FRIENDS (even with me). Last night she had SD8 interrupt their FaceTime communication with each other so BM could show DH what her soon-to-be-ex made on his new 3D printer and so her 3 year old could talk to him. SD8 after the call tells me that BM's "best friend" sent her a picture of the mostly melted snowman we have in our front yard and that this friend keeps sending her house listings within 4 or 5 blocks of our house. There were a few times before BM moved away where she forced her way past me and into our house when DH wasn't home. BM makes me very uncomfortable and ticks off a lot of my danger flags.
SS8 hasn't taken well to the new living arrangements. Understandably, he really misses his mom and wants her to come back (or to move there). The end result has been that he's been really, really hard to deal with. He instinctively compares EVERYTHING I do to his mom and he's been treating me VERY poorly. I used to be a lot more hands on with the twins but these days, I am trying to make myself as scarce as I can without being accused of "not being a part of the family." SD8 seems to be doing just fine with the new custody arrangement but she also misses her mom -- she's just not acting out the way her brother has been. Before anyone accuses me of it -- I am not replacing their mom and I've never tried. I'm just doin' what needed to be done and I'm not trying to pretend I'm something I'm not.
I had been trying to encourage and make arrangements for DH and I to have a date night at least once a month or so. It's been a lot for us to take on and I feel like our marriage isn't getting the maintenance it needs. DH has been rather un-agreeable to getting a babysitter. We don't live in an area where we have family readily available so I was looking into hiring a suitable babysitter. DH thinks that if we're going to get a babysitter, it should be a) his parents (they live 3.5 hours away) or b) a sleepover where the twins are sleeping at another friends' house. I've asked more about his parents helping us but when they do make themselves available, he doesn't want to "waste the time" not visiting with them. (We see them about once or twice a month.) I don't see the twins being mutually invited to a sleepover anytime soon, especially because their mixed gender twins and a lot of people have hang ups about that. To complicate matters even more, DH has been doing a ton of overtime and it's meant that I've been the only caretaker at home with them quite often -- even more so than ever before. We need a babysitter and DH found one -- ME.
I know this is a tune a lot of us have sang before but this ****ing sucks.My husband bends over backwards to "keep the peace" with BM, who will never find peace. BM is going to move back and take him back to court and we'll be doing this over and over again until the twins are adults. DH gives me lip service about the issues with SS8 but there's been and probably won't be any change in his behavior. DH agrees that it's not appropriate for BM to be interacting with him beyond what's appropriate for the twins but he's not sure where to draw the line with being polite and cutting it off so he does nothing. It's totally creeping me out that BM's buddy is taking pictures of our house and sending it to BM with listing for houses to move in just a few blocks away. It's not right that I can't get a babysitter for even just a date night. I feel used, abused, unappreciated, and overwhelmed.
For now, I'm sneaking away to the gym while DH is home.