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My kitty is dying and it's all about SS right now

SAHsigh's picture

It's been a while since I've been on this site -- after BM moved over 800 miles away and DH was awarded primary custody of twin SS/SD9 about 18 months ago, I've had my head down dealing with our daily grind and other things that crop up along the way.

I'm crushed today -- my cat of 16 years is dying and I need to get her in to the vet to help end her suffering. She's been my best pal for so long; I'm a blubbering mess thinking about how she's hurting and scared to adjust to life without her. DH and SD9 are also really attached to her and it's been a sad time in our home. I lost a long time significant other to cancer years back. We got this kitty together and I sorta feel like I'm losing him all over again, too. I promised him on his deathbed I would take care of her; I've asked our kitty to give him a big kitty hug and sit in his lap when she sees him again.

SS9 has been especially troubled since his mom moved away. He's always been an emotional/sensitive child but it's gotten significantly more pronounced since BM departed. He takes any request/discipline/reprimand/criticism so seriously that he crumbles each time. It doesn't matter if the request is just that he close the front door, put his shoes away, or stop yelling at his sister. Everything is so intense that he says that he hates himself, everyone hates him, and recently he's added that he wishes he wasn't alive. DH has now had two separate hours long one-on-one conversations with SS where he's gleamed little tidbits, like the encouragement of secrets between SS and BM and that he wishes he lived with BM even if that meant he wasn't with his twin sister.

DH expects me to have a similar heart-to-heart with him and I feel deeply uncomfortable with this. I've already been vilified by BM and SS and I feel like this is a setup for further failure. SS has treated me very poorly, spies on us, been manipulative, lies often, and distorts facts to fit his victim narrative. My reluctance to have this "talk" with SS is becoming an issue between DH and I -- he feels that if I don't have it, I'm letting go of having a positive relationship with SS. DH has finally contacted a counselor but it may be a while before we can get in to an appointment. (SS has made it clear that he doesn't want to talk to a counselor but DH has made it just as clear that he doesn't have a choice, especially after comments like "I wish I wasn't alive.")

BM hasn't been much help. Aside from the 800 mile distance, she's not very supportive of DH's parenting and it's our understanding that she expresses these critical thoughts to SS about myself and DH. She's also in the midst of another divorce, she's trying to move within 100 miles of us, already living with a new boyfriend, and kids are so confused about all of this.

Because nothing is uncomplicated in our family -- twins found out that DH and I have been trying for a baby. SD9 was at first worried that my health would be jeopardized and we wouldn't pay attention to her but she's now acting excited about having another sibling. SS9 has made it clear that he's not okay with this and he wants us to fail. (I didn't want to tell the kids unless there was a pregnancy -- I thought it unwise to tell them with so much uncertainty.)

All of this and my sweet kitty is dying. She's so, so sweet -- it's awful to see her like this. My heart is broken in a million pieces and I don't have the head-space to argue with DH about SS's ongoing issues right now. I've become the evil stepmom and I don't think I really had to do anything to get there.

beebeel's picture

Wow. First, hugs. I'm so sorry about your kitty. Sad

Second, therapy is a must for both kids. On that topic, I would tell DH that you have no idea what you should say to his son. Suggest that you would like to hear from the therapist's professional guidance before you tried anything. This will at least buy you time for your DH to sit on it, and hey, it's not a bad idea.

As for TTC, my DH would be put on warning. He has gone against your wishes and already involved his kids. I would tell him very clearly that this is not just his decision and that if he tells anyone you are pregnant before you are ready, there will be hell to pay.

My DH told my skids I was pregnant the first time despite my many protestations. Well, I miscarried and it made an already devastating situation worse because of the self centered jerks. That betrayal still stings.

ESMOD's picture

Really sorry to hear about your kitty.

As far as the SS is concerned, it sounds like he really might benefit from some counseling. I would tell your DH that you don't feel qualified to help him through this and that you think he may need help that his family can't provide. He seems to be crying out for help and I don't think a talk with you is going to "fix" him.

Aniki's picture

I'm so sorry about you kitty. {{{{hugs}}}}

Agree with ESMOD. Sounds like SS could use some counseling.

witch.hazel's picture

I'm so sorry about your sweet kitty. Just ignore everything else for awhile and take care of her and yourself.

No matter what is going on with your ss, a family cannot prioritize one person ALL the time.
At different times, various people's needs are greater than others and require more attention.

It's not like your SS is going to change for the better if you never focus on yourself, or if your DH never focuses on your needs. Unfortunately, he should know this on his own- you shouldn't have to explain it to him, and I would not try because it will probably cause conflict and more stress for you at this difficult time. Say nothing about his focus on ss when you need him because it won't help, and spoil yourself for a little while. If you need a hug or cuddle or a nap, ask for it directly or just tell him what you need and what you are doing. Don't mention the kid.

classyNJ's picture

{{{HUGS}}} I'm so sorry to hear about your kitty.

I agree with Witch and it is YOUR time to put your needs ahead of all other in the household. Take care of you and Kitty. I know you are heart broken. Shower her with love until the very end.

Iamwoman's picture

I’m sorry you’re losing your loving kitty. Today, your kitty should be your one and only responsibility. I’m serious - everyone else can take a flying leap. You are a human being who has given far more than you’ve had to, and today everyone needs to either help you or get out of the way. Kitty first.

That being said, I can tell you from experience that once a skid has been alienated as your SS has, there is no going back. If you “talk” with him, the very first thing he WILL do is tell his bm everything you said and probably embellish with lies because he knows she likes to hear dramatic things. Even when you go to counseling, be careful what you say around the little skid. Respect that your husband loves his son, but acknowledge that doesn’t mean you have to love him too - especially if he is not interested.

As far as the pregnancy thing: your husband was out of line. Period. Let’s say you DO become pregnant, and SS finds it. He sounds like the type of kid who would poison your drink to cause a miscarriage (if not of his own accord, then at his mother’s direction). This boy should absolutely NEVER know when you’re pregnant, AND when baby is born, NEVER be left alone near the baby even for a second.

Now, go take care of the kitty and eff the rest of ‘em

CLove's picture

Im so sorry for your pain in dealing with Kitty. Many blessings for the cross over on the rainbow bridge.

Wow, sounds like you have a plateful with SS9. BM's that are toxic teach their children how to be toxic, and children are avid learners.

Prayers for you and your kitty. And future baby.
Biggrin

steppingback's picture

Take this time for yourself and your cat.
The stepchildren issue is a long term issue and will not be solved this week.
Your life and your issues are also important.
The births, deaths, weddings, new jobs in your life are JUST AS IMPORTANT
as the events in your husband's and stepkids life.
No one is just a helper in this life.

Many hugs.

Rags's picture

My condolences on the loss of your friend. It is tough losing a pet that is part of the family. I miss my Max just about every day. He didn't die, we couldn't move him internationally due to the whole avian flu thing. So, he has a new family. But still.... he will always be my Max.

Take some time for you.