My kitty is dying and it's all about SS right now
It's been a while since I've been on this site -- after BM moved over 800 miles away and DH was awarded primary custody of twin SS/SD9 about 18 months ago, I've had my head down dealing with our daily grind and other things that crop up along the way.
I'm crushed today -- my cat of 16 years is dying and I need to get her in to the vet to help end her suffering. She's been my best pal for so long; I'm a blubbering mess thinking about how she's hurting and scared to adjust to life without her. DH and SD9 are also really attached to her and it's been a sad time in our home. I lost a long time significant other to cancer years back. We got this kitty together and I sorta feel like I'm losing him all over again, too. I promised him on his deathbed I would take care of her; I've asked our kitty to give him a big kitty hug and sit in his lap when she sees him again.
SS9 has been especially troubled since his mom moved away. He's always been an emotional/sensitive child but it's gotten significantly more pronounced since BM departed. He takes any request/discipline/reprimand/criticism so seriously that he crumbles each time. It doesn't matter if the request is just that he close the front door, put his shoes away, or stop yelling at his sister. Everything is so intense that he says that he hates himself, everyone hates him, and recently he's added that he wishes he wasn't alive. DH has now had two separate hours long one-on-one conversations with SS where he's gleamed little tidbits, like the encouragement of secrets between SS and BM and that he wishes he lived with BM even if that meant he wasn't with his twin sister.
DH expects me to have a similar heart-to-heart with him and I feel deeply uncomfortable with this. I've already been vilified by BM and SS and I feel like this is a setup for further failure. SS has treated me very poorly, spies on us, been manipulative, lies often, and distorts facts to fit his victim narrative. My reluctance to have this "talk" with SS is becoming an issue between DH and I -- he feels that if I don't have it, I'm letting go of having a positive relationship with SS. DH has finally contacted a counselor but it may be a while before we can get in to an appointment. (SS has made it clear that he doesn't want to talk to a counselor but DH has made it just as clear that he doesn't have a choice, especially after comments like "I wish I wasn't alive.")
BM hasn't been much help. Aside from the 800 mile distance, she's not very supportive of DH's parenting and it's our understanding that she expresses these critical thoughts to SS about myself and DH. She's also in the midst of another divorce, she's trying to move within 100 miles of us, already living with a new boyfriend, and kids are so confused about all of this.
Because nothing is uncomplicated in our family -- twins found out that DH and I have been trying for a baby. SD9 was at first worried that my health would be jeopardized and we wouldn't pay attention to her but she's now acting excited about having another sibling. SS9 has made it clear that he's not okay with this and he wants us to fail. (I didn't want to tell the kids unless there was a pregnancy -- I thought it unwise to tell them with so much uncertainty.)
All of this and my sweet kitty is dying. She's so, so sweet -- it's awful to see her like this. My heart is broken in a million pieces and I don't have the head-space to argue with DH about SS's ongoing issues right now. I've become the evil stepmom and I don't think I really had to do anything to get there.