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Fiance has son he has not met but wants to be apart of his life. Causing him to be miserable but he is scared. Need advice.

tiffanymariet's picture

My fiance has a son that he has not met. Long story short, an old fling of his informed him that she was pregnant and that the child may be his. She then never made any further contact, yet nor did he. A 1 1/2 year later, my fiance recieved a Child Support Case against him. He went through all the proper procedures and had the paternity test that confirmed it was his and now pays child support. Here is where it gets a little complicated. When she was pregnant, the mother got pregnant and now her husband has been portrayed to his son as the father (neither man is on the birth certificate). My fiance wants a relationship with his son, but is unsure how to initiate. She has made things difficult and harrasses him via Facebook and Text calling him a sperm donor and such things. He is a very quiet man and doesn't know how to go about talking to her about seeing his son. It hurts him day in and day out, especially considering that I have a daughter myself that he plays a father figure role in. He is scared and does not know what to say to her. Advice?

Shaman29's picture

"Here is where it gets a little complicated. When she was pregnant, the mother got pregnant and now her husband has been portrayed to his son as the father (neither man is on the birth certificate)."

Would you please clarify this statement? Whose mother got pregnant??

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I'm so sorry, I'm not sure if I can offer advice. On the one hand, if the mother and father are considered mom and dad, and the real mom is a "sister" as I have heard happen before, then personally I would have let it go. On the other hand, they are coming after him for CS, more improtantly, he wants to be involved, that is not fair--he's good enough to be a sperm donor, an ATM machine, but not a father if the mother chooses not to let him be?

Fuck that.

Women like that piss me off.

Anyway, file for visitation rights, and slap the hell out of them with contempt every time they deny him. The battle will be long and expensive, unfortunately, and in the end he may not get it if the courts want to keep the status quo, and the best he can hope for is the kid seeks him out on his own when he reaches a certain age, if ever. Or reaching out to him after he reaches the age of majority.

Again, I'm sorry for your BF, this is a horrible situation to be in.

amber3902's picture

I think OP meant to say when she was pregnant, her husband was portrayed to his son as the father.

OP - your BF needs to get a court order in place for visitation.

tiffanymariet's picture

Guess I didnt re-read my entry before I sent it. Typo.

When the mother of his son was pregnant with him, she got married. Her husband is now portrayed to my fiances son as his father. Neither man is on the birth certificate because she did not know who the father was at the time of birth.

With his son being almost 3 now, my fiance is concerned how it will affect his son with him being in the picture.

tiffanymariet's picture

I am not sure that she will deny him. He just doesn't know how to address the situation to her. And it does not make things easier that we are all military. We are in FL and they are in SC. However, it is close enough that we could do one or two weekends a month. To Start anyways.

Purplemom's picture

Since he is a virtual stranger he needs to gradually work up to over nights. It would be worth it to talk to the mouse and see how difficult she will be, then plan from there with some professional help to ease he transition.

Anywho78's picture

Simply talking to the woman will not ensure that he gets his rights as a father fulfilled. She may play games by allowing him to see this kid once, twice, maybe a hundred times but then out of the blue she'd be fully in her rights to stop or hinder his visitation at a whim.

Your FDH needs to get a CO for visitation. He has been proven the father, is financially obligated to care for the child & is by right (& blood) his child.

If your FDH wants a relationship with this child, he needs to start working towards the kid getting to know him sooner rather than later. Judges will sometimes do a sliding visitation schedule starting with a few hours & working up to entire weekends but giving both the parent & the child time to adjust.

BM is the one who pawned her DH off as this kids dad & he went along with it. Unfortunately, her DH is the kids STEP dad while your FDH is DAD. The kid will learn to have TWO dads...he's young enough to adjust.

Your FDH has the right to know his child & see him grow he just needs to courts to follow through on getting those rights.